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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband keeps leaving for his ex

237 replies

mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 07:57

I'm after some advice and moral support here.

I've been with my husband for 2 years now. We were married in under a year. I'd been completely swept off my feet. Infact, I felt like I was floating because I was so happy.
He has a children from previous relationships. His last relationship he was deeply unhappy in, but stayed for the sakes of his child.
Anyway, in the 2 years we've been together he's left me 10 times to go back to his ex. My heart has crumbled each and every time.
Each time he's wanted to come back, he's promised he won't leave me again.... same old story I've been sucked into.
His ex uses their child as a weapon. She's very very manipulative and causes no end of problems when she's not got control over my husband.
He's left at 2 major times been just before our child was born last year, who was premature and in neonatal. He met our child for the first time at a few months old.
Another time on my birthday.
Anyway he's been back home for a few weeks. With the promise of getting professional support to stop his ex playing manipulative and controlling games to get him back there and to not communicate with her unless essential.
Well for the past week he's been communicating with her. He's denying it, but he's using WhatsApp to message. I'm not stupid. I've told him I know where this is heading yet again and he's saying I'm been silly.
He's slowly starting to move belongings from the house, he's keeping his phone on silent and in his pocket at all times.
I've tried so hard to get him to just be honest with me but he won't.
I know he's a victim himself/ but he's making me an even bigger victim.
I'm at a loss on how to even deal with this situation. I'm so tired of hurting, so tired of questioning my own sanity

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 27/03/2022 08:00

Why are you letting him treat you like this ?
He is playing you both, and you are both letting him. I don’t for one minute think the ex is manipulative, I think your lying DH tells you this so he can keep playing this game.
Grow a set and end it.

ReachersDaughter · 27/03/2022 08:00

You’ve got a husband problem, not a husband’s ex problem OP.

Deal with it by getting rid of him.

Holothane · 27/03/2022 08:01

Get rid he’ll never change handhold.

Sofacouchboredom · 27/03/2022 08:02

She’s ‘manipulating and controlling’ he’s ‘a victim’, their marriage was ‘deeply unhappy’.

Yep heard this before.

He’s playing you both. He’s enjoying the drama triangle and two women fighting over him. Did he leave her for you by any chance?

TracyMosby · 27/03/2022 08:04

Has he been to court to formalise access to his children?

Why didnt he see your child for months?

GeneLovesJezebel · 27/03/2022 08:04

And get an STI check.

parrotonthesofa · 27/03/2022 08:05

He's definitely not a victim.

TracyMosby · 27/03/2022 08:05

When he skulks off this time you really, really need to make clear he doesnt come back. Does he still parent your child each time he leaves?!

HeDidWhattt · 27/03/2022 08:06

How can you not see this is your husbands doing, wanting to sleep with both women obviously. He doesn’t even have to go back to his ex, you can get a court order to state visiting times with children.

He wants to go back to his ex, probably enjoys both women wanting him at theirs.

The first time he left you shouldn’t have had him back. Change the locks and say good bye, you can do so much better than this.

This isn’t your husbands ex’s fault, this is your husbands doing.

Hiddenvoice · 27/03/2022 08:07

She might be manipulating him but really you’re the victim here.
He has a child with you, one who was born prematurely yet he wasn’t there for supporting you!
You deserve so much better than this! I’d sit him down and tell him that you are not doing this back and forth anymore. If he leaves then he’s gone for good and cannot return. Explain you will start divorce proceedings and you will only have contact regarding your child. (I know you won’t be ready for divorce but he needs to see that you are strong and not tolerating being walked over)
This man is weak but wants the best of both worlds. You can’t keep putting up with this.
I know you love him and know you were happy but you deserve a partner who wants you to be their whole world, not someone who jumps ship when he feels like it.

mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 08:08

His ex truly is manipulative. That was on ongoing problem well before I come along.
I've sadly been on the receiving end of pretty awful things at the hands of his ex.
But you're all so right..... he's enjoying flapping with 2 women.
I feel so sad 😢

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 27/03/2022 08:08

The first time he left would have been the last time.

Get some self respect and end this farce of a marriage.

He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it....

Bananarama21 · 27/03/2022 08:09

Hrs not the victim and blaming her is a coop out he knows excately what he's doing playing two woman and both of you are falling for it playing second fiddle. This relationship sounds like it was rocky from the get go.

mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 08:10

He's not been to court for access no

OP posts:
TracyMosby · 27/03/2022 08:10

In what ways has she been manipulative?

What has he done to get regular access to his children?

Did he still parent your child last time he left?

youwouldthink · 27/03/2022 08:11

She may not be manipulative at all. He's very probably feeding her the very same bull that he tells you.
10 times! With kindness you need to cut him out of your life and talk to someone to see why you've allowed him to do this to you and your DC
Take control of your happiness. It'll be hard for you to begin but the joy of not always wondering what if will soon kick in

TracyMosby · 27/03/2022 08:11

@mamaof4xxx

He's not been to court for access no
Why not?
Theunamedcat · 27/03/2022 08:12

Stop blaming her for his actions

Bananarama21 · 27/03/2022 08:12

It says your a mum of 4 so you met a man and got married quickly when you both had existing kids and he's constantly leaving for his ex. This is not a normal relationship and will have a profound effect on your existing children. For the sake of your existing children leave this man behind.

TracyMosby · 27/03/2022 08:13

This relationship sounds like it was rocky from the get go.
Exactly. Op was love bombed.

HeDidWhattt · 27/03/2022 08:15

He won’t ever got to court either, he enjoys it just how it is so why would he ever.

Isn’t it funny, from the outside of someone else’s relationship looking in, you can see that unfortunately they are being taken for a ride quite clearly!!! Yet when it’s your own, your almost blinded to it!

Quitelikeit · 27/03/2022 08:15

What a despicable pathetic excuse for a husband and father this man is.

He is treating you like this because you keep allowing it.

May I ask are you wealthy? Could he have been after your money?

Please kick this man out today and change the locks.

334bu · 27/03/2022 08:15

The ex isn't manipulative but your husband is. I am so sorry you are being subjected to this.

PearPickingPorky · 27/03/2022 08:16

Unbelievable that you've put up with this stressful treatment 10 times. Come on OP, where is your self respect?

Sofacouchboredom · 27/03/2022 08:17

‘His ex truly is manipulative. That was on ongoing problem well before I come along.’

According to HIM.