Husband keeps leaving for his ex

[mamaof4xxx]

I'm after some advice and moral support here.

I've been with my husband for 2 years now. We were married in under a year. I'd been completely swept off my feet. Infact, I felt like I was floating because I was so happy.
He has a children from previous relationships. His last relationship he was deeply unhappy in, but stayed for the sakes of his child.
Anyway, in the 2 years we've been together he's left me 10 times to go back to his ex. My heart has crumbled each and every time.
Each time he's wanted to come back, he's promised he won't leave me again.... same old story I've been sucked into.
His ex uses their child as a weapon. She's very very manipulative and causes no end of problems when she's not got control over my husband.
He's left at 2 major times been just before our child was born last year, who was premature and in neonatal. He met our child for the first time at a few months old.
Another time on my birthday.
Anyway he's been back home for a few weeks. With the promise of getting professional support to stop his ex playing manipulative and controlling games to get him back there and to not communicate with her unless essential.
Well for the past week he's been communicating with her. He's denying it, but he's using WhatsApp to message. I'm not stupid. I've told him I know where this is heading yet again and he's saying I'm been silly.
He's slowly starting to move belongings from the house, he's keeping his phone on silent and in his pocket at all times.
I've tried so hard to get him to just be honest with me but he won't.
I know he's a victim himself/ but he's making me an even bigger victim.
I'm at a loss on how to even deal with this situation. I'm so tired of hurting, so tired of questioning my own sanity

Protect yourself and your child from these monsters! He is not a nice person.

‘ Anyway, in the 2 years we've been together he's left me 10 times to go back to his ex. My heart has crumbled each and every time.
Each time he's wanted to come back, he's promised he won't leave me again.... same old story I've been sucked into.
His ex uses their child as a weapon. She's very very manipulative and causes no end of problems when she's not got control over my husband. ’

I’m sorry op but you are completely misplaced. Your husband isn’t a victim here. And his ex isn’t the problem, he is.

He’s left 10 times, why are you letting him back?

I know what I need to do. It's just so hard

Yeah, you’re blaming the wrong person.

You’ve only been together two years, married, had a child and in that short time, he’s managed to leave you ten times and spend months and months living back with his ex.

It’s hardly a relationship at all.

The ex might be a tremendous cunt but she’s not the one who’s married and has a supposed loyalty to you. That failure of a man is.

Dig deep and tell him to fuck off. For good

Wtf…. Where is your self respect ?? He’s left you 10 times!!!!
Why did you have a kid by him!!

He may be a victim of his ex but he is also manipulating you and your child. He could be seeking support, court for access, using a third party to communicate with his ex but he’s not. Instead he is gaslighting you and causing you emotional distress. Sometimes as much as we want to help someone, they are not ready for that help.
It comes to a point where you have to think of you and your child. If it doesn’t stop now, when? On the 20th time of him leaving? In 10 years time? When your child asks why daddy’s left again and is crying themself to sleep?
You need to talk to your husband and tell him the next time he leaves it’s for good. You can arrange contact with your child but it won’t be in secret. Think of the message this will give your child as they grow up.
It won’t be easy but neither will living in this situation for the next few years and then your child repeating the pattern in their own relationships because they think it’s normal

Come on OP, you need to locate both your anger at this dickhead, and your self respect!

He’s not a bloody victim, he’s a lying cheating piece of shit

Isn’t it amazing how many ex- wives are manipulative, abusive etc ? My ex husband told his next wife I was crazy , stopped him seeing our DC etc etc She believed him . We met years later after they divorced and she was going through the same thing with his next wife . We bonded over our shared experiences and even managed to laugh .
OP you really need to open your eyes here .

Each time he left how did you cope financially?

Very gently OP. He’s done this to you ten times. Ten. He is never going to change. Do you want to be miserable for the rest of your life? You are worth so much more than a silly little man and his drama.

He says she took his phone and didnt tell him for a week the baby was born. But the baby was a few months old when he first met her. So what happened from the point he knew to when he finally saw your child?

He is choosing this woman over your child. He has no interesting in getting a formal arrangement for his other children. He stopped the non-molestation order.

He has no interest in anything being any different. He enjoys the relationship with this woman. He enjoys the drama of it. He is deeply fucked up.

But the main things are he is a terrible father and a terrible partner.

He is also a terrible father-figure to your older children.

He is damaging all the children in your family and his.

He has damaged you.

OP your posts are articulate and well written. You’re obviously intelligent and can see exactly what’s going on.

What exactly is he bringing to you except misery, hurt and probably an STI too. Whatever it might be (him being weak or her being manipulative) you can’t remain in this relationship. It’s horrendous.

You are better free of him. How do you extract yourself? Sounds easy enough, tell him to leave or as you said he’s on his way out, let him go and then change the locks and cut contact.

He makes me feel like I'm going mad in the head!!!!

He is abusive. If you dont see how you can leave him, you need help to leave. Phone womens aid and ask them for advice.

You need to protect yourself and also your child from the damage this will do.

Your child will suffer greatly if this isnt stopped.

Of course it’s hard!! When is learning lessons in love easy…never!
Hopefully you’ve learnt your lesson and next time will stop any bullshit like this way before it gets to a point of you being in a destructive cycle.

TEN TIMES?!

Wow.
If I were you I’d disengage now. Stop asking if he’s talking to her, you know he is. Try and figure out a plan to be on your own properly. And when time number 11 inevitably rolls around - don’t let him come back!

He’s made his bed, let him lie in it.

You’ve allowed this to happen too many times, which is why it’s hurting you so bad. The man met his premature baby at a couple months old and you still let him back in. He’s nothing but a pig and you and your child deserve better. Let him go. It’ll hurt but don’t let him back, he has his mind made up if he physically cannot leave the woman.

You just walk away. It doesn't take "strength " or any special qualities, you just do it. Do you have other children? Perhaps focus your attention on them for a bit, concentrate on looking after your baby, do some thinking about what you deserve as a partner. Dont be constantly running after a man, especially a cruel and useless one.

I think that the main problem wives face when dealing with a husband that is checking out is to assume the guy needs to treat them better and demand so, when in fact they should be putting their ducks on a row to prepare for his imminent leaving.

What a horrible, horrible father. Those poor children. DC1 has had to watch their father leave 11 times! That's disgusting. You're lucky yours is still too young to realise. Get him gone ffs.

Don’t blame others for his actions, blame him and get control of your life back. I know it’s hard but you can do this!

File for divorce today in the basis of his utterly unreasonable behaviour.

He is NOT A VICTIM. He’s treating you dreadfully.

The only way forward is to kick him out. You need to take back control of your life. He's not going to change so you need to otherwise it's just going to continue on with this cycle of him walking out on you.

@all… I was talking about evidence of whether he was with friends or not. Facebook was a possible avenue to explore.

OP. The ex wife isn't being manipulative, your "husband" is. Fuck having his cake he wants the whole dessert trolley. I know it must be hard but do you really want to be the OW for the rest now your life. Please start making an exit plan and tell him to get stepping. What an arse.