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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband keeps leaving for his ex

237 replies

mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 07:57

I'm after some advice and moral support here.

I've been with my husband for 2 years now. We were married in under a year. I'd been completely swept off my feet. Infact, I felt like I was floating because I was so happy.
He has a children from previous relationships. His last relationship he was deeply unhappy in, but stayed for the sakes of his child.
Anyway, in the 2 years we've been together he's left me 10 times to go back to his ex. My heart has crumbled each and every time.
Each time he's wanted to come back, he's promised he won't leave me again.... same old story I've been sucked into.
His ex uses their child as a weapon. She's very very manipulative and causes no end of problems when she's not got control over my husband.
He's left at 2 major times been just before our child was born last year, who was premature and in neonatal. He met our child for the first time at a few months old.
Another time on my birthday.
Anyway he's been back home for a few weeks. With the promise of getting professional support to stop his ex playing manipulative and controlling games to get him back there and to not communicate with her unless essential.
Well for the past week he's been communicating with her. He's denying it, but he's using WhatsApp to message. I'm not stupid. I've told him I know where this is heading yet again and he's saying I'm been silly.
He's slowly starting to move belongings from the house, he's keeping his phone on silent and in his pocket at all times.
I've tried so hard to get him to just be honest with me but he won't.
I know he's a victim himself/ but he's making me an even bigger victim.
I'm at a loss on how to even deal with this situation. I'm so tired of hurting, so tired of questioning my own sanity

OP posts:
Original poster
mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 08:17

@TracyMosby

In what ways has she been manipulative?

What has he done to get regular access to his children?

Did he still parent your child last time he left?

Here's a few things of what she's done. She's sent people to my house to cause upset, she reported us both for taking drugs and beating my children (both utterly malicious and seen so by social services too), when our child was born and nearly died she'd taken his phone off him so a message had to be passed on to her and she didn't tell him until about a week later. She uses their child as a tool. She demands any contact with their child is at her house because her child doesn't want to see daddy anywhere else. She makes up awful lies about me to make out I'm some kind of evil person. He falls for those lies, falls for his child not been able to cope without him there and he leaves to go back. Within days he realises he's messed up and he wants to come back. He sees through her lies. But then the cycle starts again. He partially went through the right channels for contact then stopped because she allowed him to see their child. And the cycle started again. When he's with her, he will see small amounts of our child but it's done secretly. She has said he's not allowed contact with our child
OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 27/03/2022 08:18

Tell him next time he leaves it's for good. And mean it. Yea, you'll be sad when he leaves but you'll save yourself years of heart ache. You are letting him treat you like dirt. If he needs to see his children so badly off he can go and live with them permanently.

HeDidWhattt · 27/03/2022 08:18

I bet he tells her your manipulative too.

What excuse does he give to her to leave and come back to you again?

What excuse does he give you to leave for her again?

Does he say he wants a relationship with the ex? Just leaves “for the kids”?.

I don’t really understand this as your married, so if he was too leave for the ex then surly you should be getting a divorce? Or does he know you won’t do that and just have him back?

Bit of a weird set up when you really think about it.

Original poster
mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 08:18

@Quitelikeit

What a despicable pathetic excuse for a husband and father this man is.

He is treating you like this because you keep allowing it.

May I ask are you wealthy? Could he have been after your money?

Please kick this man out today and change the locks.

I was once quite comfortable financially but not anymore
OP posts:
NewtoHolland · 27/03/2022 08:19

He first met your child when they were a few months old.
Read and re read and re read that.
WTAF
He left you to cope with your new baby in hospital and didn't even visit???!!

I'm struggling to understand why you allow this man anywhere near you...and why you swallow the bollocks about him being 'sucked in' it's his choice to leave 10 times and mess with your head like that.

This is a form of domestic abuse.

Set yourself free...and access sole counseling or the freedom programme through your local domestic abuse charity.

Life can and will get better.

Mumof3confused · 27/03/2022 08:19

She’s not his puppet master. He can and does decide his own actions.

NewtoHolland · 27/03/2022 08:20

*some not sole

HeDidWhattt · 27/03/2022 08:20

She makes up awful lies and what…he just believes them?

Come on OP…WAKE UP!!!

Original poster
mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 08:21

Never in a million years did I think my life would end up like this 💔

OP posts:
TracyMosby · 27/03/2022 08:23

I was once quite comfortable financially but not anymore
What happened?

Also, op. He needs to go to court with all the evidence of domestic abuse and ask for full residency because of it.

But you should still leave him because he believes her lies about you and chooses her every single time. Thats not him choosing his other children. The lies are about you, he is choosing her over you. This guy clearly gives no fucks about any of his children.

SunshinePie · 27/03/2022 08:23

I think the biggest question here is why you allow yourself to be treated this way. It’s appalling. I can only imagine that your self esteem is so low that you don’t believe you deserve better? I can promise you - YOU DO DESERVE A WHOLE LOT BETTER!!

Original poster
mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 08:24

How do you actually find the strength to break away from someone?
I know this situation will never change, I know there's no respect for me, I know I deserve better.
I know I badly need to break this cycle but how? It's so hard 😌

OP posts:
ReacherMargrave · 27/03/2022 08:24

He's feeding you both lies! I know it hurts OP but you need to take the initial step and say no more! Think of your children and your own mental health. Do you have any support in real life?

Sofacouchboredom · 27/03/2022 08:25

Their relationship and their family seem to be his primary focus. You may be married but quite frankly this has other woman written all over it. How on earth can you live like this? And please stop blaming her and look at what he is doing to you and your child!

Surely your children and you deserve more than this turmoil!

Original poster
mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 08:25

How do I argue with him about him messaging his ex when he's denying it? I'm not stupid! He makes me feel like I'm going mad in the head!!!!

OP posts:
spotcheck · 27/03/2022 08:26

OP
It doesn't matter what the ex does. Your husband is not behaving in a mature, grown up manner.

If he wanted all this to stop, he would hire a solicitor. And he hasn't.
And before you say that he can't afford one- well, he's decided that the emotional impact on you and his children isn't worth the cost of legal help.

He's a weak weak man

Original poster
mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 08:26

I'm not fully blaming her. I'm just explaining the true facts in what's happening.
He's massively guilty. He had a non molestation order on her last year but cancelled it 🤦‍♀️ why? Why bloody cancel it

OP posts:
User0610134049 · 27/03/2022 08:27

10 times?
He would only have done that to me once then that would’ve been it, and if not once then definitely twice.

User0610134049 · 27/03/2022 08:28

Sorry I haven’t read the rest but you don’t have to put up with this. Whatever she’s doing or not doing isn’t relevant imo.

GoIntoTheLight · 27/03/2022 08:28

“He left you to cope with your new baby in hospital and didn't even visit???!!“

This! What the fuck - most parents would move heaven and earth to see their new baby! Screw manipulative - this man is completely pathetic.

Sofacouchboredom · 27/03/2022 08:29

He had a non molestation order on her last year but cancelled it 🤦‍♀️ why? Why bloody cancel it

Because he WANTS the contact with her!

Crimeismymiddlename · 27/03/2022 08:29

I know you are convinced he is victim, and that his evil ex is the cause, but honestly the picture you paint is of a weak man who rather than not leaving his wife and premature baby at birth, and not meeting them for months believes lies about you from his ex, does not go to court for proper access and is probably enjoying every minute of two women fighting over him. I don’t believe for one min that she took his phone so he did not know you gave birth, more likely he was not bothered-even if she do he knows where you live.
Please don’t let him come back after he leaves you again. She probably is awful, but he loves it. He is lying to you all the time.

Thesheerrelief · 27/03/2022 08:30

You don't have to argue with him about it. Tell him you're done, you've been through enough and you don't feel the same about him anymore. When he argues over why and says he's not doing anything you can say it doesn't matter why. You're done.

HeDidWhattt · 27/03/2022 08:31

What would help you get over him once you kicked him out?

A holiday? A rebound guy? A new sofa? What ever it is…do that! And then work from there, basically anything that gets you out of this really weird and strange set up!

dudsville · 27/03/2022 08:31

Stop arguing with him, he's let you know all you know need to know. He's happy to leave you, multiple times, regardless of the reason, he's OK with you feeling like shit, frequently. Focus on how to rebuild your happiness away from this couple (yes a couple, healthy or abusive, he and his ex are still quite entertwined).