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Original poster

Husband keeps leaving for his ex

237 replies

mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 07:57

I'm after some advice and moral support here.

I've been with my husband for 2 years now. We were married in under a year. I'd been completely swept off my feet. Infact, I felt like I was floating because I was so happy.
He has a children from previous relationships. His last relationship he was deeply unhappy in, but stayed for the sakes of his child.
Anyway, in the 2 years we've been together he's left me 10 times to go back to his ex. My heart has crumbled each and every time.
Each time he's wanted to come back, he's promised he won't leave me again.... same old story I've been sucked into.
His ex uses their child as a weapon. She's very very manipulative and causes no end of problems when she's not got control over my husband.
He's left at 2 major times been just before our child was born last year, who was premature and in neonatal. He met our child for the first time at a few months old.
Another time on my birthday.
Anyway he's been back home for a few weeks. With the promise of getting professional support to stop his ex playing manipulative and controlling games to get him back there and to not communicate with her unless essential.
Well for the past week he's been communicating with her. He's denying it, but he's using WhatsApp to message. I'm not stupid. I've told him I know where this is heading yet again and he's saying I'm been silly.
He's slowly starting to move belongings from the house, he's keeping his phone on silent and in his pocket at all times.
I've tried so hard to get him to just be honest with me but he won't.
I know he's a victim himself/ but he's making me an even bigger victim.
I'm at a loss on how to even deal with this situation. I'm so tired of hurting, so tired of questioning my own sanity

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 27/03/2022 09:37

Wrong thread

DarkShade · 27/03/2022 09:38

Her taking his phone is a non argument. She isn't his mum. He could have simply come to see you, or bought a new phone, or got in touch via Facebook. There is no way she could have actually stopped him from seeing you if that is what he wanted.

You need to leave him. Being a single mum will be great in comparison to this.

Reluctantadult · 27/03/2022 09:43

The ex could equally post on here saying her ex and father to her child has left her 11 times for another woman, who he also married and had a child with. What should she do. She probably took his phone to stop him contacting you because that's how she sees it!

You need to leave him. She needs to leave him. You're both with more that this. If you not strong enough to say no to him coming back then in all honesty I'd move away. Start a new life.

Octomore · 27/03/2022 09:43

It's actually staggering how you've managed to blind yourself to the obvious. For example:

when our child was born and nearly died she'd taken his phone off him so a message had to be passed on to her and she didn't tell him until about a week later

Let's assume all this was true. It still doesn't explain why the fuck he was with his ex (for more than a week) when his wife was heavily pregnant with his child and about to go into labour!

Open your eyes and grow some self respect. She didn't force him to stay away - that was his choice. He's a grown man, not a victim.

starrynight21 · 27/03/2022 09:43

He met our child for the first time at a few months old

You are being played , op. You say she took his phone for a week at the time your baby was born - but he didn't see the child for months ?? I doubt that she had him locked in a prison cell for all those months.

Your husband is lying to you, and I have no doubt that he is enjoying being with two women at one time. He's like a kid in a candy shop, with both of you accepting his lies. I don't believe all this nonsense about how manipulative she is - I bet he tells her the same about you. Playing you both against one another, while he acts like the poor little victim.

VioletVesper · 27/03/2022 10:03

I don’t want to upset you OP but you really need to put your children first. You can say you are but I’m sorry, you are not. They have no choice in this and it WILL be impacting them watching him come and go and their mum being upset. Whilst I have sympathy for you, he’s done this TEN times, and it some point you go from victim to a willing participant. Put your children’s needs first and get rid of him and mean it.

Greensandon · 27/03/2022 10:13
Flowers
layladomino · 27/03/2022 10:17

OP What would you say to a friend or sister or your daughter if a man was treating them how he treats you?

I know you're finding it hard to take some action, but do you at least see (if you take the emotion out of it) that the only sensible course of action is to dump him and make it forever?

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 27/03/2022 10:23

He's not a victim and he is treating you horribly. He met our child for the first time at a few months old. This would be unforgivable for me, even if your DC hadn't been premature. The fact that he didn't visit his child for months, including while they were in neonatal care after being born prematurely and you must have been going through so much, that tells you everything you need to know about him. He's not a decent human being. If he was there's no way he would have done that, no way he would be treating you the way he is.

Kdubs1981 · 27/03/2022 10:25

I'm not sure why you're blaming his ex? These are his choices and behaviours.

Please don't let him treat you like this. It's over. I'm sorry.

UptownWorld · 27/03/2022 10:26

Have some self respect OP. Stop letting him come back.

Anniefrenchfry · 27/03/2022 10:30

I’m so sorry you’re going through this op. But I think you know the only reason he’s going back is becayse that’s where he wishes to be. Unless he has some additional needs then he wishes to be with her, irrelevant of how you view her or what he tells you.

You are doing the pick me dance, when he’s already made his choice clear. It’s awful but it’s done.

boobot1 · 27/03/2022 10:30

@MrMrsJones

The first time he left would have been the last time.

Get some self respect and end this farce of a marriage.

He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it....

This, he doesn't deserve you.
Rainbowshit · 27/03/2022 10:36

You need to read this site: www.chumplady.com

2pinkginsplease · 27/03/2022 10:42

Stop enabling him to flit between you both! As soon as he knows you won’t take anymore shit then he will be forced to make his mind up.

Don’t allow your child to see you being treated like this!

HellToTheNope · 27/03/2022 10:48

He's playing you for an absolute fool, and you're allowing it.

MacaroniBaloney · 27/03/2022 10:56

When you say you were comfortably off but are not any longer, have you given money to DH and is he now preparing to leave for good as there is now non left?

Unsure33 · 27/03/2022 10:57

Have some self respect and kick him out .

You don’t need to be living a life like this . And the stress must be affecting the children as well .

Octomore · 27/03/2022 10:58

Tbh, I'm not even sure I understand how you could have managed to marry a man who has spent so much of your brief relationship with his ex. What has gone on in your life up until now that led you to accept a proposal from such a man?

Once you've kicked him out for good, you need to spend time single and do some serious self-evaluation.

brokengoalposts · 27/03/2022 11:01

He made a promise to you on your wedding day and has made 10 more promises to you since, he's broken every single promise, but it is his ex wife's fault. Do you think that every time he rocks up at hers that he doesn't make and break promises too? The man is a total rat, dump and move on.

OakRowan · 27/03/2022 11:08

She's not his ex, you are the other woman, even though you are married.

tkwal · 27/03/2022 11:09

You have been with your husband 2 years and he has been back and forth 10 times. Didn't see your child for a few months after being premature?. He is a master of having his cake and eating it. You have managed without him at the time you needed care and support the most. That floating on air feeling you had ?it was him fuelling the fantasy you had of having found the perfect man. You and your child(ren) don't need him and hopefully you will realise just how strong you are and stop enabling his bullshit

Nidan2Sandan · 27/03/2022 11:09

So on average he's left you every 2.5 months Confused come on OP, you cant seriously think that this will change and it's all down to his controlling ex.

Healthy relationships that have respect just arent like this!

Him not seeing his premature, unwell baby would have been a deal breaker for me. He's a nasty, manipulative piece of work. And you're a fool for putting up with it.

WoolyMammoth55 · 27/03/2022 11:14

OP, we had a "bigamist" in DH's extended family. It was a fetish thing for him to have two women fight over him. He is attractive and charming but what those women put up with was beyond belief - he would get one pregnant, then leave for the other one, get her pregnant, then leave for the other one again saying he had to build a relationship with the new baby... In the end they each had 4 of his kids, alternating ages.

I was told once that it's a known fetish thing and there are websites/Reddits for guys who want to do this with tips and so on. I don't know if that's true.

His situation ended absolutely tragically - one of his "wives" killed herself after he'd left for the millionth time. In fairness he did step up and parent those 4 kids, but the eldest boy couldn't cope and killed himself last year too. It's all so sad.

The absolute best thing you can do for yourself and your child is get him out of your house and go no contact NOW. It's already an appallingly toxic situation, and it will only get worse if you keep letting him manipulate you. You and your child deserve much better. Best of luck.

LowlandLucky · 27/03/2022 11:20

You know yourself that this marriage is doomed, you know what you need to do so don't waste another single day on it. Life is too short to be walked over.

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