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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband keeps leaving for his ex

237 replies

mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 07:57

I'm after some advice and moral support here.

I've been with my husband for 2 years now. We were married in under a year. I'd been completely swept off my feet. Infact, I felt like I was floating because I was so happy.
He has a children from previous relationships. His last relationship he was deeply unhappy in, but stayed for the sakes of his child.
Anyway, in the 2 years we've been together he's left me 10 times to go back to his ex. My heart has crumbled each and every time.
Each time he's wanted to come back, he's promised he won't leave me again.... same old story I've been sucked into.
His ex uses their child as a weapon. She's very very manipulative and causes no end of problems when she's not got control over my husband.
He's left at 2 major times been just before our child was born last year, who was premature and in neonatal. He met our child for the first time at a few months old.
Another time on my birthday.
Anyway he's been back home for a few weeks. With the promise of getting professional support to stop his ex playing manipulative and controlling games to get him back there and to not communicate with her unless essential.
Well for the past week he's been communicating with her. He's denying it, but he's using WhatsApp to message. I'm not stupid. I've told him I know where this is heading yet again and he's saying I'm been silly.
He's slowly starting to move belongings from the house, he's keeping his phone on silent and in his pocket at all times.
I've tried so hard to get him to just be honest with me but he won't.
I know he's a victim himself/ but he's making me an even bigger victim.
I'm at a loss on how to even deal with this situation. I'm so tired of hurting, so tired of questioning my own sanity

OP posts:
grapewines · 27/03/2022 08:33

He doesn't respect you. The ex isn't the issue here. Stop putting up with this shit.

Iamnotamermaid · 27/03/2022 08:33

Maybe time to cut yourself free and move on, the writing is on the wall with this one. He is messing you about here and using the ex wife as an excuse.

Ridingoutthewaves · 27/03/2022 08:34

He’s having an affair, which you’re supporting him to do. Dosen’t matter how his X is. He has not been there for you and continues to lie to you and manipulate you and let down you and your child. Please ask him to leave permanently!

Autumnleaves4 · 27/03/2022 08:34

He is absolutely not being a victim, you are.

He’s playing you both, he wants you both so keeps stopping to keep you both dangling. 10 times in one year, you could put up with that level of emotional abuse because that is what it is. He left you on your birthday!!! He is enjoying the coercivel control and you can’t see it.

Kick him out immediately, don’t give him another minute of your time, you were in love with an image/ideal that is nit him.

MostlyOk · 27/03/2022 08:37

Oh goodness OP, so in two years, he's walked out on you approximately once every eight weeks and he's preparing to do it again? I know everyone is saying to you 'why are you letting him do this?' but obviously, that's not an easy question to answer. In short, it sounds as though you are with a deeply messed-up narcissistic person who is enjoying the drama 'high' and you are (maybe) feeling beaten down, depressed and terrified of rejection?

This won't get better.

This will be your forever life, forever living on a knife edge, feeling constant instability and insecurity unless you find the inner strength to shut the door to your heart and home for good.

Here is what I would suggest as an action plan:

  1. Get your plans in order (finances/think about housing and what you would need to do etc)
  2. Tell someone you trust, exactly what is going on and ask for their support. This person can hold you accountable and remind you why you are doing this
  3. End it and tell him to leave. Don't wait for the axe to fall. He's clearly going to do it again, but take back your power and do it before he does.
  4. Tell him that's it. He's out of 'lives' and chances and it's over. Cut off contact (apart from anything that's essential) and then get into some counselling to help you unpack it all to uncover the roots of why this went on so long
  5. Stick to your guns and do not let him back into your life.
  6. Look forward to a new life with a partner who would never dream of treating you in such a despicable way!

This won't get better. He has shown you who he is. Everything he says to you, all the promises that he won't do it again or that he'll go to counselling, are just his props/tools in order to keep the charade going for as long as he can. He's addicted to it. It's time to say goodbye. ❤️

Sofacouchboredom · 27/03/2022 08:38

@mamaof4xxx

How do I argue with him about him messaging his ex when he's denying it? I'm not stupid! He makes me feel like I'm going mad in the head!!!!
You KNOW he’s contacting her. You don’t need to argue this. He’s gaslighting you, tell him enough is enough.
coldfeetmama · 27/03/2022 08:38

I would help him out here

Make things a bit easier for the poor love

Pack his shit , tell him to fuck off and don't come back

Take legal advice re access and finances

Move on with your happier less dramatic more secure life

SpringLobelia · 27/03/2022 08:39

Kick him out.

Divorce him.

Leave him to play his petty stupid little games.

Let him apply to the court for access to your child if he chooses to do so. Don't run around trying to make him give a shit because he clearly doesnt and franjly you might well be better off on yourown, as will your child be.

layladomino · 27/03/2022 08:39

Stop focussing on how bad his ex is. He chooses to pander to her. He chooses her over you. He cooses to lie to you. He chose not to see your child for months. He chooses to encourage her behaviour. He likes it in some way. If he wanted to stop her behaviour (or minimise it) he would ignore her, only deal with children stuff, and go to court to formalise arrangements.

She has no obligation to you. He is meant to be your husband. He has swept you off your feet and married you when he's clearly still enmeshed with her. And the fact he's left you 10 times and you still take him back! Honestly, you should have told him to stay away after the first time.

This will be your life, unless you take action. The sooner you take action the less damaging it will be, the longer you will have to recover and get your life back. The less destructive it will be for your DC. The less it will damage your self esteem.

He wants to be with her. Or maybe he wants you both begging him and fighting over him. If he loved you, cared for you, respected you, he wouldn't do this.

Don't let him have all the power. You deserve better than him. Take control. Go and get some legal advise and start the ball rolling. There is literally no chance of him becoming a good, reliable husband and father, and the longer you wait for him to do that, the more of your life you'll waste and the more you'll regret it later on.

Be strong. You can do this. You will be SOOO much happier on the other side.

orangeisthenewpuce · 27/03/2022 08:39

OP if a friend was telling you this story what advice would you give them? You'd hopefully tell them to stop putting up with his shit and divorce him asap. He is not a victim. You are. And you're allowing him to treat you and your child like shit. Get rid now.

LetHimHaveIt · 27/03/2022 08:39

Jesus Christ. He's either a liar, or he's so dangerously stupid that he shouldn't be allowed to leave the house unaccompanied, let alone have children.

'When child was born and nearly died she'd taken his phone off him so a message had to be passed on to her and she didn't tell him until about a week later.'

Unbelievable.

What a crew.

Steelesauce · 27/03/2022 08:40

I was the evil ex once. Things looked bad on my side but they didn't see what he was saying to me. 10 years of gaslighting and manipulation sends you a bit loopy. He will be playing you both off against each other so he has his cake and eats it too, just like my ex did. Youre a fool, bin him off.

Goneblank38 · 27/03/2022 08:40

There's no point arguing with him because he's a liar. You know he's a liar. For the sake of your children's wellbeing and your mental health, end this.

To end it, you tell him it's finished. He's broken your trust. He's a dishonest person. He's treated you like dirt. He's treated your poor baby like dirt while they fought for their life. He's scum. His relationship with his ex isn't your responsibility to figure out or solve. It's toxic and destructive. Then you tell him to pack his bag and go. You get children out of house for a few hours. Then you come home once he's left. You ask for all the support you can get from friends and family. you seek counselling so you never have a relationship again. You seek legal advice from relevant parties in your country for child support. You get a solicitor and file for divorce. Good luck OP.

Original poster
mamaof4xxx · 27/03/2022 08:41

@Crimeismymiddlename

I know you are convinced he is victim, and that his evil ex is the cause, but honestly the picture you paint is of a weak man who rather than not leaving his wife and premature baby at birth, and not meeting them for months believes lies about you from his ex, does not go to court for proper access and is probably enjoying every minute of two women fighting over him. I don’t believe for one min that she took his phone so he did not know you gave birth, more likely he was not bothered-even if she do he knows where you live. Please don’t let him come back after he leaves you again. She probably is awful, but he loves it. He is lying to you all the time.
Hand on my heart..... she took his phone. He wasn't allowed to have a phone whilst with her. She's openly admitted that to everyone. She's also openly admitted not allowing him a relationship with our child. But nothing.... and I mean nothing would ever effect me been with my child
OP posts:
babywalker56 · 27/03/2022 08:42

@HeDidWhattt

How can you not see this is your husbands doing, wanting to sleep with both women obviously. He doesn’t even have to go back to his ex, you can get a court order to state visiting times with children.

He wants to go back to his ex, probably enjoys both women wanting him at theirs.

The first time he left you shouldn’t have had him back. Change the locks and say good bye, you can do so much better than this.

This isn’t your husbands ex’s fault, this is your husbands doing.

This!

I have no clue why you’re allowing him to go back and forth between you two. You and your child deserve better so why settle for this? Sorry but you need to leave and he doesn’t sound like a victim to me. He sounds like he has you right where he wants you

sparklefarts · 27/03/2022 08:42

This is all utterly utterly batshit

amymorris01 · 27/03/2022 08:43

Sorry op this has made me angry you should have got rid when he wasnt there at the birth. He disent care about you or your child. Im so sorry to be so blunt but you have put this on yourself. Get rid of him he and ex are toxic to you. He is making you weak and you must be strong for you and your child. Do it now!

MostlyOk · 27/03/2022 08:43

@mamaof4xxx

How do I argue with him about him messaging his ex when he's denying it? I'm not stupid! He makes me feel like I'm going mad in the head!!!!
You DON'T argue with him. You say, 'I believe that you are in communication with your ex again. I have been through this enough times to see the signs. It is over. I would like you to leave and I would like you to be gone before the end of the day'.

If you argue with him, he'll simply gaslight and manipulate his way out of it and you'll be back to square one. He needs to go. No negotiation. Give yourself the BEST mothers' day present of all and put an end to this endless misery today. Great day to do it!!!

layladomino · 27/03/2022 08:44

No matter how awful she is, he still chooses her over his wife. He could put a stop to their contact but won't.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 27/03/2022 08:45

He missed the birth of your child and was not there to support you while your child was in NICU.

This is when he confirmed you can never rely on him and you will never be a team. This is when you should have kicked him out and filed for divorce.

Honestly whats the point of him?

Sofacouchboredom · 27/03/2022 08:45

He allowed her to take his phone, because he clearly at that point wanted THEIR relationship to work.

SpringLobelia · 27/03/2022 08:45

The poor little man who had his phone kidnapped by his evil ex. (what, like he never goes to work and can't phone from there? It is a total crock of shit). Poor little man who is not allowed to have a relationship with his own child.

You have blinkers on. He is the one in control here. Clearly he feeds off the drama. I say the best thing you can do for yourself, your child and your future is to say the end credits have rolled.

whymewhyme · 27/03/2022 08:46

You deserve better, he's in no way a victim. Look at your child and leave for them. Kick him out and mean it, he doesn't care about you at all,if he did he wouldn't do that to you. Once you get over thr inital shock of ending it withinf a few weeks you will wonder who that person was who allowed it to happen!

Sunnierdays · 27/03/2022 08:47

Is this an April fool’s joke ? If it’s not it’s seriously messed up ! This is not good for the children involved in this bizarre love triangle!

Beefcurtains79 · 27/03/2022 08:47

I mean this kindly but you need to get some self respect, if not for you then for your child.
You might not mind being second best, but don’t you think that when they figure out daddy loves his other kid more, that they will be messed up for life?
Take control, ask him to leave and don’t allow this to happen.

‘Didn’t let him have a phone’ Jesus Christ.

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