Husband keeps leaving for his ex

[mamaof4xxx]

I'm after some advice and moral support here.

I've been with my husband for 2 years now. We were married in under a year. I'd been completely swept off my feet. Infact, I felt like I was floating because I was so happy.
He has a children from previous relationships. His last relationship he was deeply unhappy in, but stayed for the sakes of his child.
Anyway, in the 2 years we've been together he's left me 10 times to go back to his ex. My heart has crumbled each and every time.
Each time he's wanted to come back, he's promised he won't leave me again.... same old story I've been sucked into.
His ex uses their child as a weapon. She's very very manipulative and causes no end of problems when she's not got control over my husband.
He's left at 2 major times been just before our child was born last year, who was premature and in neonatal. He met our child for the first time at a few months old.
Another time on my birthday.
Anyway he's been back home for a few weeks. With the promise of getting professional support to stop his ex playing manipulative and controlling games to get him back there and to not communicate with her unless essential.
Well for the past week he's been communicating with her. He's denying it, but he's using WhatsApp to message. I'm not stupid. I've told him I know where this is heading yet again and he's saying I'm been silly.
He's slowly starting to move belongings from the house, he's keeping his phone on silent and in his pocket at all times.
I've tried so hard to get him to just be honest with me but he won't.
I know he's a victim himself/ but he's making me an even bigger victim.
I'm at a loss on how to even deal with this situation. I'm so tired of hurting, so tired of questioning my own sanity

I'm guessing since he fucked off when your poorly baby was born that he isn't on the birth certificate? In that case I'd just kick him out, change the locks and not let him or his crazy ex anywhere near my child.

When it comes to your children it really is that simple. Have you ever asked them how this man coming in and out of their lives makes them feel? Those poor kids. Do better.

I can’t believe you’ve had a child with this poor excuse for a man

If they're married (seriously how is that even the case, it's absurd) she can put him on the birth certificate without him being present, and as her husband he has automatic parental responsibility. So she can't just sideline him unfortunately

This isn't the ex this is your husband

He's not actually leaving you for her though is he?

Is is WITH her and always has been he just keeps leaving her for you. Why on earth did you have a child with him?

Truthfully I think you need to feel worse on this one to a point to spur you into action.
I get it I really do the stasis affect but truthfully by doing nothing you are colluding in making your dc life hard. It truly does not work that the more love you give it offsets being in this situation.

Sometimes what you need to hear is that yes it's as bad for your dc as you think and as much as I understand the emotional impact you do not get the luxury of crying that it's too hard as a parent to make the changes you need to.

My dp often tells the story about his upbringing that was poverty stricken and hard but his overriding memory is that his mother left his stepfather when he made the home unreliable. He doesn't care in the least about growing up in poverty, couldn't care less being homeless at one point. He respects his mother for making the hard decisions. Its a reminder that being able to trust your dm to make hard decisions is part of a healthy childhood.

You can love your children with all your heart but do you love them enough to stop being passive ?

Your husband is playing you both. He is the one to blame. Kick him out and do not take him back and get some self respect back. He would not have gotten back in the first time he decided to leave. Please do not put up with this and his lies anymore. He keeps leaving and coming back because you keep taking him back. Get some counselling and put yourself and your child first and do not let him manipulate you again as he is the one manipulating her also.

OP he (and she) have done a complete number on you.

I'm not saying this to be nasty, I'm saying it because I want to get through.... WAKE UP. Get angry. You are being walked over and treated like a complete fool.

If he doesn't see your children then he's a cunt but that's not on you. It will be worse for them seeing him constantly coming and going and you miserable because of it.

LEAVE. You have to. Have some self respect and do not allow them to treat you like this! Do you really want to live your life being someone doormat?

Please OP. You only get one chance at life. Don't waste it with this loser.

OP. Im really sorry to see how distressed the comments have made you. Its the amount of times you've let him come back that I think is leading to harshness. Dont let it drag you down, you're obviously in enough pain already and what you need is encouragement and a rally of cries to tell you you can do this. You really can.

What went before is in the past. You really. Really. Now. Need to forget who you think he was. How he made you feel in the beginning. What his exs problem is. Why he tolerates it. And on and on and on. Its all bullshit. Its all his filthy little drama. None of it belongs to you and your children. He will drag you all down. Its up to you to cut the tie and keep it cut. You can do it x

He took his phone and not allowed him to see his child.
Did she lock him in a room. Was he tied to the radiator ?
No. I very much doubt it.
He is capable of getting in his car, on the bus , taxi to visit you.
I assume he works. Can he not ring, email etc you from work.
Dis he contact mutal friends, your family etc.
If he wanted to see his child he could have.
He is choosing not to.
You are doing the pick me dance.
Just decide enough is enough
That you and your child are worth more than this.
Be brave. Be strong and look to a better future without him.

I really feel for you. Not sure how old your other kids are, but thankfully your child with your husband is too young to know what her dad is up to.

I’m the middle child of 7. I have 3 full siblings, 3 half siblings. You guessed it, my Dad had been having an affair for 5 years and my mum (who he was married to) was none the wiser until she bumped into his mistress while shopping. Both of them pushing babies that looked like they could be twins.

Bit of back story - Mum recognised the mistress as the ex wife of my Dads cousin who she had met at a party of one of dads relatives years earlier. At said party, mistress told my mum that my mum and dad would have beautiful children together. My mum says she knew from that day she had her eye on my dad. She saw her at occasional family gatherings until her and dads cousin divorced a couple of years later.

So mum gets home, mentions to my Dad that she bumped into so and so, he’s like who? She says you know cousin so and so’s ex. He’s like oh yeah, how is she? my mum replies with why don’t you ask her when you’re next there to see your new baby.
He splutters something about her being crazy with baby hormones and leaves the house. When he got back, my mum had packed his things and left them at the door and took us to our nans.
She divorced him a couple of years later (I asked when I was older why it took so long to divorce and mum and dad both say dad wouldn’t agree to the divorce) then he married the mistress the same year.
I’m guessing he didn’t want to divorce my mum cos he thought she would always be there until my mum threw him out and seeing as his mistress was happy to be just that he thought he would get away with it. He never spent the night with her. When I was younger he was always at home for bedtime, breakfast and school run etc.
The oldest of their children resented me and my siblings for years as he thought my dad had an affair with my mum - don’t know how he thought that as the oldest of us all is my full sibling. He also didn’t know that dad was married to my mum. He always thought that dad didn’t do bedtime and stuff with him when he was little cos we/my mum kept him away.
Turns out he used to visit his mistress and other kids when my mum would go to my aunts for Sunday lunch once a month. Those poor children only seeing their dad once a month :,(

I think in this situation, even though you are the one married to him - that he is treating you like you’re the mistress. Spending weeks if not months at time away from you and his little baby. You are his fallback option for when his “ex” gets sick of his behaviour.

I hope you find the courage and strength to get out of this really bad relationship. For yourself and for your children. The things they can pick up on even at a young age can be damaging.

So you all know - dad stayed married to the mistress. They’re both miserable but miserable together lol. Turns out monthly hook ups and getting knocked up do not make a happy marriage. But the mistress stuck with him and his bad behaviour, but I guess their bad behaviour is one thing they actually had in common (cos there’s certainly nothing else) cos she knew he was married to begin with.
Mum married a nice man about 25 years ago and is happy.

You can do this. You deserve happiness. You just need to find the strength to block out all the crap that comes out of his lying mouth!!!

@Turningpurple

I mean this doesn't even make sense.

You describe it as swept off your feet and floating on air so married quickly.

I assume he didn't leave you on that year. You can't have been swear off your feet if he left you during that year.

So he has left you 10 times since you got married. For several months at a time. So you haven't actually lived together for of your married life. It sounds like he has actually just left you and pops over and stays on occasion. And he isn't doing this because he gets to have sex with you. He comes to see his child? So in what way are you not separated?

Or he did leave you plenty during that first year. You weren't loved bombed or swept off your feet. He showed you exactly who is he and you went along with it.

Until you accept your responsibility for your part in getting yourself and your kids in this position, you will keep being in this position. You aren't a feather floating through life at the mercy of the winds. You are an adult, responsibility for 4 children. If you feel your mental health is so bad you can't make good choices, seek outside support. Can the other kids dad help out with the kids? Friends and family must want you out of it. Professional counselling etc

Very apt!. At some point we need to take control of our lives. Stop being a damsel in distress swept along by life. Anything that is blunt is seen as nasty on these threads.