Husband keeps leaving for his ex

[mamaof4xxx]

I'm after some advice and moral support here.

I've been with my husband for 2 years now. We were married in under a year. I'd been completely swept off my feet. Infact, I felt like I was floating because I was so happy.
He has a children from previous relationships. His last relationship he was deeply unhappy in, but stayed for the sakes of his child.
Anyway, in the 2 years we've been together he's left me 10 times to go back to his ex. My heart has crumbled each and every time.
Each time he's wanted to come back, he's promised he won't leave me again.... same old story I've been sucked into.
His ex uses their child as a weapon. She's very very manipulative and causes no end of problems when she's not got control over my husband.
He's left at 2 major times been just before our child was born last year, who was premature and in neonatal. He met our child for the first time at a few months old.
Another time on my birthday.
Anyway he's been back home for a few weeks. With the promise of getting professional support to stop his ex playing manipulative and controlling games to get him back there and to not communicate with her unless essential.
Well for the past week he's been communicating with her. He's denying it, but he's using WhatsApp to message. I'm not stupid. I've told him I know where this is heading yet again and he's saying I'm been silly.
He's slowly starting to move belongings from the house, he's keeping his phone on silent and in his pocket at all times.
I've tried so hard to get him to just be honest with me but he won't.
I know he's a victim himself/ but he's making me an even bigger victim.
I'm at a loss on how to even deal with this situation. I'm so tired of hurting, so tired of questioning my own sanity

He’s not a victim. Nobody is putting a gun to his head. He keeps breaking promises to you. She’s gloating every time he goes back. Make him leave now. Get your self esteem back

LEAVE HIM.

This isn't fair on your child.

What do you mean “keeps” leaving for his ex? After the FIRST time you are now the one at fault for being such an idiot to keep taking him back ffs! Where is your self respect?

Promises of getting professional support? 😂 I actually laughed out loud at that part. He is playing you for an absolute FOOL!

Sorry but I have no sympathy for you.
If this was the first or even second time then you’d have my sympathies but you’re obviously ok with being treated like this else you wouldn’t have put up with it 10 times.

Him and his ex will never be over - it’s nothing to do with her being manipulative. When she kicks him out he comes running back to you until she has him back.

Let them get on with things.
It’s hard because you have a child but you’ll need to get your mum or someone to facilitate access as you need to stop having any contact with him as you’re acting like a mug and he’s happy to treat you like one.

Once he's moved out this time, I'd change the locks tbh.

And he's not a victim.

@WonderfulYou

Sorry but I have no sympathy for you. If this was the first or even second time then you’d have my sympathies but you’re obviously ok with being treated like this else you wouldn’t have put up with it 10 times.

Him and his ex will never be over - it’s nothing to do with her being manipulative. When she kicks him out he comes running back to you until she has him back.

Let them get on with things.
It’s hard because you have a child but you’ll need to get your mum or someone to facilitate access as you need to stop having any contact with him as you’re acting like a mug and he’s happy to treat you like one.

I'm far from ok with it. That's why I've posted for support!

WOW!

I really hope you don't have 4 kids

Yeah I agree with everyone else.

He’s not the one being mugged off... you are.

You'll have the mental energy to do what you need to do once you finally decide it's over. While you're trapped in the cycle of waiting on him to go, to start romancing you again, to come back, to work up to leaving again, you'll have no mental energy to focus on doing what needs to be done to put you and your dc on a better path.

He’s an energy vampire, sucking you dry.

I know he's a victim himself

He is NOT a victim. He is a complete waste if space wanker! He is not good for you or your child! KICK HIM OUT AND STOP TAKING HIM BACK! And get proper formal court ordered visitation and financial arrangements set up for your child.

He has left you 10 times and He's left at 2 major times been just before our child was born last year, who was premature and in neonatal. He met our child for the first time at a few months old

WTF are you thinking?

@mamaof4xxx

How do you actually find the strength to break away from someone? I know this situation will never change, I know there's no respect for me, I know I deserve better. I know I badly need to break this cycle but how? It's so hard 😌

By recognising that you have power and choices over your own life - and then making different choices.

• It has been a choice to take him back 10 times.

• It is a choice to watch his behaviour now without telling him to leave and not return.

• It's a choice not to consult a solicitor or speak to Citizens Advice about divorce.

• It's a choice to tell yourself you can't end the relationship.

• It's choice to tell yourself you're not strong enough to end the relationship - you are clearly a very strong person to come through all this.

Step back: notice all the many, many choices you have been making. The first step is seeing them.

Then decide which choices to change. You are not helpless unless you choose to be.

Hand hold OP, I know and have experience of how extremely distressing your situation is.
My situation happened many years ago and fortunately we weren't married, no children, however, over a 2 year period the man I was in love with went back and forth between me and his ex (also mother of his children). It's utterly heart wrenching when you just know what's about to happen, you have no control because sadly this man is enjoying the flexibility of having you both.

I lost count of the number of times this happened with my ex, eventually my patience and (in)sanity gave up and I found the strength to stop contact.
After this there weren't any ties for me, but if you have the strength to end your relationship with him try to compartmentalise your co-parenting relationship with him for your child.

Just FYI, there has been very occasional and very much arms length contact with my ex over the years because he never changes. He's gone from one relationship to the next and treated all of those women the same.

Break free and distance. You will be happy again.

How do you actually find the strength to break away from someone?

You take responsibility for your own choices and actions. You look at your child and decide that you are going to be a good role model.

You don't need evidence. You don't need to argue. You don't need blame. You WILL NOT EVER BE ABLE TO CONTROL HIM. You can control yourself. You can build boundaries and stick to them. You can show your child what self respect looks like. Or you can choose to stay....but any pain, conflict, and hurt that happens will be down to your own choices as well as his.

"She's also openly admitted not allowing him a relationship with our child"

He is meant to be married to you

It should be impossible to prevent him having a relationship with his wife and child

He's basically a bigamist but you both know. This is mad.

Throw him out for good. She can have him. He might get off on the drama but unless you do too, just boot him.

Op, this is a very tricky problem to respond to because you are obviously in an abusive relationship, and yet you don't know it.

This man has manipulated and gaslighted you to such an extent that even being abandoned ten times hasn't woken you up out of his spell.

You are focussing on "her" as the problem, to the extent that this narrow focus has blinded you to what is really going on.

And that is, he's playing the both of you, because he enjoys it. He probably tells her the same lies, that you manipulate and blackmail him into coming back.

Six pages of responses so far, and every person on this thread can see it, because they can see the bigger picture, and they have seen this pattern of behaviour in abusive men before.

I know it sounds like a cliche, and it sounds like a hard thing to do, but the only person who can end the abuse is you.

He will keep you both on his puppet master strings for as long as he wants. My prediction is that he will bring a third woman into the equation at some point, and you will both blame HER for "stealing" him away.

Please stop being his puppet.

Cut those strings today and get your dignity back.

Pack his things into bin bags and change the locks. Don't ever let him into your home again. Then you can begin to heal and to make sense of what REALLY happened over these past two years. Currently your understanding of the situation is entirely dictated by him.

Is there anyone who can come and stay with you for a few weeks? Mum, sister, best mate? Just for moral support and to talk it through.

What do you family and friends make of the way he behaves?

This post makes me so angry! How on earth can you allow this to continue! And what an example as role models for the children! Sorry op but you have more patience than me I have to ask you though where’s your self respect here! Ten bloody times! He’d be out on his arse after the first time! I actually think him and his ex are enjoying these cat and mouse games! Have his bags packed! Noooo second thoughts Chuck the lot in bin bags on your front garden!

I’m so sorry this has happened OP.

You know what you have to do.

You are strong enough to do it.

This marriage will never, ever, make you or your child happy. He abandons you, he LIES to you. His ex sounds awful, but the bigger problem is him. No one can manipulate him into being cruel to you, it is something HE is choosing to do.

I’m so very sorry.

Stop letting him back FFS. Tell him to go now and make that the end of it!

And change the locks

Over and over again, he has chosen his other child and their mother over you and your child. You are excusing this but why? What's the worst that could happen if he says no to her? Yes maybe for a while she could stop him seeing their child, but a court would lay down rules that would mean he has regular contact.

Instead of doing something that might mean he can't see his older child for a while, he has made choices that meant he definitely didn't see your child in the most crucial few months of their life. He allowed her to take his phone, in the same way that he is now not allowing you to know what he is doing on his phone.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, it must have been an awful time, with a premature baby and being deserted but I can't see how it's going to get any better if you allow this man to carry on traumatising you and your children by coming and going.

You just need to accept that you made a mistake marrying this man, having a baby with him and then allowing him to take the piss out of you since then.

If you don’t bring an end to it then you can’t blame anyone else but yourself.

He has left you 10 times and you have lef him back each time.

He goes because he wants to. Because he wants to choose her.

Instead of pursuing official action he leaves his wife 10 times, because the child is upset?

He didn't see your child for months. So in this very short relationship how much time have you actually been together? Like an actual couple without him living with his ex.

I am guessing g if he is gone months at a time, he is actually with her more than you are. You have somehow ended up being tied to this fuckwit AND are also the OW.

Aren't you just sick of having your heart broken?