Husband keeps leaving for his ex

[mamaof4xxx]

I'm after some advice and moral support here.

I've been with my husband for 2 years now. We were married in under a year. I'd been completely swept off my feet. Infact, I felt like I was floating because I was so happy.
He has a children from previous relationships. His last relationship he was deeply unhappy in, but stayed for the sakes of his child.
Anyway, in the 2 years we've been together he's left me 10 times to go back to his ex. My heart has crumbled each and every time.
Each time he's wanted to come back, he's promised he won't leave me again.... same old story I've been sucked into.
His ex uses their child as a weapon. She's very very manipulative and causes no end of problems when she's not got control over my husband.
He's left at 2 major times been just before our child was born last year, who was premature and in neonatal. He met our child for the first time at a few months old.
Another time on my birthday.
Anyway he's been back home for a few weeks. With the promise of getting professional support to stop his ex playing manipulative and controlling games to get him back there and to not communicate with her unless essential.
Well for the past week he's been communicating with her. He's denying it, but he's using WhatsApp to message. I'm not stupid. I've told him I know where this is heading yet again and he's saying I'm been silly.
He's slowly starting to move belongings from the house, he's keeping his phone on silent and in his pocket at all times.
I've tried so hard to get him to just be honest with me but he won't.
I know he's a victim himself/ but he's making me an even bigger victim.
I'm at a loss on how to even deal with this situation. I'm so tired of hurting, so tired of questioning my own sanity

How long is he with you/her?

I’ve just re-read that you’ve only been together 2 years!

So he’s leaving you roughly 5 times per year - that’s like every other month!!

Who does he spend the important holidays with like Christmas?

I know I badly need to break this cycle but how? It's so hard

Practical advice:

Step 1 - Change the locks. Do not let him back into your and your kids' home. Do not debate this with him. He barely lives their, so he can hardly claim you're depriving him of a room over his head.

Step 2 - Bag his stuff up and leave it somewhere he can collect it. Can you take it to the house of one of his friends/relatives for them to pass on to him.

Step 3 - Consult a divorce lawyer.

Don't try to understand why he's doing it, or try to change him, or try to get him to pick you. Those are fool's errands

^barely lives there

I think you probably felt better before this thread because you weee able to blame everything on the ex! I imagine what you’ve heard from this thread is that the way your husband is behaving is the way you are allowing him to behave by having him back whenever he feels like it

@Octomore

I know I badly need to break this cycle but how? It's so hard

Practical advice:

Step 1 - Change the locks. Do not let him back into your and your kids' home. Do not debate this with him. He barely lives their, so he can hardly claim you're depriving him of a room over his head.

Step 2 - Bag his stuff up and leave it somewhere he can collect it. Can you take it to the house of one of his friends/relatives for them to pass on to him.

Step 3 - Consult a divorce lawyer.

Don't try to understand why he's doing it, or try to change him, or try to get him to pick you. Those are fool's errands

yes indeed. Do not try and understand. Do not try and think if you tried harder he would pick you. I suspect very strongly this is what you are thinking. I was in a thankfully shortlived abusive relationhsip of 2 years some 20 years ago. i genuinely thought if I tried harder, did more, understood more, was more accepting more he would realise my value.

He's laughing at you. He's playing you. He is, really a piece of fucking shit and you and your children need to get the fuck out of there.

He's not a victim he's an abuser. He didn't sweep you off your feet, he lovebombed you with the intention of using you for his own ends. Look up "love bombing"

@WonderfulYou

How do you actually find the strength to break away from someone?

By putting your kids first instead of your vagina.

By deciding that you want to be with someone who loves you and not just when their partner kicks them out.

You talk about the ex like she is the problem. Like it’s you and him against her - no you are the third wheel here.
I bet she doesn’t even know he’s with you half of the time.

Stop making excuses that it’s her fault.
If he wanted to be with you he would be and there’s no way he’d keep breaking up with you.

Why oh why be so damn nasty?!

I'm sorry ut you don't know this man! He's feeding you a load of bullshit lies. Men don't go back to women they don't want. Obviously uts a toxic relationship between but probably highly sexually charged or something, there's obviously a connection there. Your the poor soul that is being used to try and get over her. Leave him amd find a free man

@mamaof4xxx

His ex truly is manipulative. That was on ongoing problem well before I come along. I've sadly been on the receiving end of pretty awful things at the hands of his ex. But you're all so right..... he's enjoying flapping with 2 women. I feel so sad 😢

How do you know she is? Have you seen it? Or just heard it from him?

Your "husband" is the problem here not the ex and you're in denial

I'm actually pretty heartbroken at some of the utter vile things some people are saying here.
'Put my kids before my vagina' at what point have I even said there's any sexual relationship?
I've plucked up the courage to come here for some support. I'm all up for been told how it is..... that's what I need.
But some of the comments are cruel!
Here's the thing...... I've gone forward to so much support. You get failed in whichever direction you go in.
I've got very limited people around me.
This very situation has nearly cost me my life twice. And I'm trying to damn hard!
I've tried to get a house move to completely out of area to give me and my children a fresh start and I'm getting nowhere with that.
I wouldn't have ever understood someone else been in this situation before I was in it myself. I'd have thought possibly similar to what some of you are saying. But I wouldn't as good as call someone a bad mum and make out I prioritise sex before my children.

@mamaof4xxx he’s not a victim!! How on earth do you see it like that? He likes fucking multiple women. End of. You are the victim.
He’s behaving like this to wear you down and accept that he polygamist

Meeting and marrying so quickly when you have other children was probably not the best choice, it sounds like he love bombed you. What’s done is done, you know what you need to do, and yes it is very very hard, but you need to do the right thing for yourself and your children.

Don’t argue with him, let him message as much as he likes, when he repeats the cycles and goes back to her, lock the door behind him and do not let him back, go to a solicitor and initiate a divorce, only talk to him regarding your child and let him initiate all contact.

You can do this

You've had his baby so there is very obviously a sexual relationship.

This thread must make hard reading, but you kmow what you need to do. Take a deep breath and think practically - what are the obstacles stopping you from kicking him out? What are your fears? What practical help might be of use here?

I wouldn't have ever understood someone else been in this situation before I was in it myself. I'd have thought possibly similar to what some of you are saying. But I wouldn't as good as call someone a bad mum and make out I prioritise sex before my children.

You are prioritising this man over your children. How do you think they feel every time this man leaves and comes back?

10 times?! You know what to do. You deserve better. Be strong.

I'm going to out this nicely.

1. Hes not going to change.

1. Unfortunately you are failing your kids by letting yourself and your kids be treated this way.

1. The only solution is to leave him.

Dont get involved in their games. Put yourself and your kids first.

And any questions, just work down that list again.

Especially 1.

1. Hes not going to change.

Just keep repeating it to yourself.

Op, my husband had an awful time with his ex, she was horrific and used children as weapons ect. He did not once go back to her, he went to court and set boundaries.

He is returning to the ex because he wants to and because he wasn’t ready to move on. Your marriage is now built soon lies, cheating, mistrust. You are not going to have the happy relationship and life you envision with this man ever. Do yourself a favour and start to move on.

I mean this doesn't even make sense.

You describe it as swept off your feet and floating on air so married quickly.

I assume he didn't leave you on that year. You can't have been swear off your feet if he left you during that year.

So he has left you 10 times since you got married. For several months at a time. So you haven't actually lived together for of your married life. It sounds like he has actually just left you and pops over and stays on occasion. And he isn't doing this because he gets to have sex with you. He comes to see his child? So in what way are you not separated?

Or he did leave you plenty during that first year. You weren't loved bombed or swept off your feet. He showed you exactly who is he and you went along with it.

Until you accept your responsibility for your part in getting yourself and your kids in this position, you will keep being in this position. You aren't a feather floating through life at the mercy of the winds. You are an adult, responsibility for 4 children. If you feel your mental health is so bad you can't make good choices, seek outside support. Can the other kids dad help out with the kids? Friends and family must want you out of it. Professional counselling etc

I haven’t even read all of your initial post and my answer is to get him in the bin right now!! Any women, any women at all on this planet deserves better than to be left 10 times in 2 years!!!!! Jesus wept have some self respect. Get angry.

OP, I am sorry that you feel this distressed. Some of the comments are rather harsh but it would be very different if it happened once and then you decided to forgive him and let him back. But 10 times! That is when people get exasperated and have a lot less sympathy. You got married far too fast and even in that time he could have hardly been there for you. This is an addiction! And you need to break it. But I understand that few people will have the patience with you now, given your revolving door. You have to indeed grow a backbone and stop this. And stop with the self-pity and victim hood, after so many times that is on you as well.

I'm actually pretty heartbroken at some of the utter vile things some people are saying here.

How did you think people were going to respond knowing what you put your kids through?

The fact is the only person that can change this situation is you - not amount of blaming the ex or saying he’s a victim is going to change that.

You now say you’re moving to a completely new area - your poor kids have had enough change over the past 2 years, I don’t think you should be putting them through anymore right now.

He doesn’t want to be with you. End of.
The next time he lies because he wants a place to stay whilst his gf has kicked him out tell him to fuck off.

Please stay single for a while now and concentrate on yourself and your children -

Op, if your children are happy at school please don't put them through more upheaval by moving them away. School, friends might be their only stability.

You CAN break away from him. Set your mind on being single and each day will get easier. You have to commit to going no contact on anything other than contact with the baby and the divorce. Use email and always leave a timeframe between responding.

This situation is very emotionally unhealthy but you can make it better by deciding to be single.

If you are interested in the psychology look up Karpman triangle. You might have thought initially you were his rescuer, him the victim and his Ex the persecutor. However when you are in this unhealthy dynamic the roles will switch. I'm sure at times the Ex has felt like the victim - likewise so have you felt victimised.

The person who created this dynamic is him...maybe consciously or sub consciously. It doesn't matter...what matters is you wake up to the reality.

This isn't about love, it's about unhealthy drama. There is only one healthy choice which is to stop playing any further role in the drama.

Stay on the thread to help you break this very unhealthy relationship. If you don't have support in real life MN can help.

You are dealing with an abuser op, you must realise this , he’s actually playing two women for your own sanity, you know what you must do! Abusers generally are charmers at the beginning hence sweeping you off your feet etc! The going backwards and forwards like this is not normal behaviour for anyone! Have you friends or family for support you certainly need help!

Stop blaming her and just get rid OP, he doesn’t respect you at all