My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

Great minds @Itsthemaybelline

They read like someone's trying to write a bad romance novel and failing

@robocracker

I can't actually believe you are still with him. Why are people even advising anything on this? After all this time. It's so inappropriate for a married man.

From my perspective it's quite simple.

If my husband spent this much time and effort on a woman but wasn't the same with me I'd have left him

If my husband cried over another woman at her wedding I'd have walked out there and then.

If my husband told me he loved another woman that wasn't his mum or sister I'd have left him.

My husband has a lot of female friends through his hobby. I'm not worried about them in any way. I have no issues if they do away days or weekends. That's how you should feel about your spouses friends. You shouldn't have to worry about it at all.

I have actually just discussed this with my husband and he is incredulous at your husbands behaviour! He says he should have chosen to leave and stop treating you like second best.

I was going to type a response however this post pretty much says everything I want to say.

I am sorry this happened op, your dh is an idiot.

@Itsthemaybelline

It's almost as if the same person wrote those 2 mammoth texts.

Yes on reflection they have probably colluded today to try to get their stories straight. On reflection do we seriously believe they had oral sex and then went on platonic work trips and didn’t go all the way ????? She is as bad a him - a two faced deceitful bitch

I think you have two options, either to forgive him and try and make work with the stipulation that this friendship ends (although how can it? They work together), or you end things.

Personally I would not ever want to feel like "second choice" and i think, in your shoes, I would. I would rather be single (and I am, with 2 kids) than settle for feeling like this.

How would you ever trust him again? What about the next time he makes a great new female friend?

The OW has showered you with gifts because she feels guilty and probably to try and buy favor with you. She probably doesn't ever want you to try ane stop their friendship so she is trying to keep you on side.
He apparently didn't tell her how serious your relationship was which is why she had the sexual encounter with him.... Or he doesn't want to paint her in a bad light so you stop their friendship.

You cannot believe anything he says to you. I absolutely do not believe for one minute that they had all this unresolved sexual tension and were able to contain it for years, even when they went away on work trips (and were they drinking on these trips???). He has treated you like a fool and you've trusted him and this woman who have had this dirty little secret all along.

You deserve so much more than this half-arsed husband. Things need to change.

Whatever you decide to do, you will be OK. Please reach out to your friends or family for support. And we are all here for you x

Nice people??? Wtf??
OP - it’s so so vile that’s she saying her stuff as she is - she clearly left her now DH earlier on in 2913 to be with your DH. He pretended he’d done the same.
She was hurt he’d lied. She got back with her BF.
He got jealous and ignored her for a bit.
They reconnected over a few shags and then decided she’d work her way into your house and children’s lives so when the time is right..
Except she decided to punish him by marrying the “bad for her” guy which of course paces the way for your DH to be round there shoring her fragile self up blah blah blah.
If you believe her shit…
They’ve planned thousand played you.
So, did he go to her house?
Is she flying home early?

@Itsthemaybelline

It's almost as if the same person wrote those 2 mammoth texts.

I agree with you!

Op I'm so sorry this has turned out the way it has. I feel your pain. It will make you stronger. Now you know the truth and your gut instincts were correct. Please let us know you are ok 🌻🌷

@Sisisimone

Both his message and her message sound like they were written by the same person.

I agree. I am surprised more people haven’t commented on this.

Is saying they only had oral sex meant to make you feel better? Maybe he thought it worked for Bill Clinton . Surely he doesn't expect to believe they didn't have PIV sex? I think oral is far more intimate anyway, there'd be no coming back from that for me.

Thinking of you OP. I think it would be very hard to continue with your husband now

I know it's not really relevant but I couldn't help thinking that that perhaps explains why her husband always seemed like a jerk. Maybe he subconsciously knew he was being taken for a ride by her and also he said he knew about their affair so how uncomfortable he must have always been around you both, must have made him look an extra shade of obnoxious, as you didn't know there was something else going on under there.

Does OW want children, despite not being able to have them?

He has weaved her into not only your marriage and life.... but your childrens lives. He has loved her for all these years and now gets her parents to babysit your children?!

In this situation I would find it hard to believe I wasn't being used to 'give him the family' he wouldn't get with OW.

So sorry OP.

Oh you poor thing.

You've found out your husband has been hiding his history with this woman, has developed an extensive facade of a friendship you've had a accept, and now tells you he loves her after dancing with her on her wedding day.

What a totally cruel piece of shit, and a total idiot.

How are you supposed to live with all that?
How utterly painful.

What does he think will happen? He'll be seen as a romantic hero, so loving of you both yet so confused, and everyone will understand and support him? You'll stay together knowing he loves someone else?

It's as if he thinks you have no feelings or agency and only he exists!
I wonder if over time you'll notice that this was the way he saw your life more generally?

You as a support act in his heroic drama?

Take care OP this must be so hard.

So so sorry for what you are going through.

Just wanted to point out something - both messages (your husband's and his "friend's") have the same grammatical error. 'Went' is used instead of 'gone'. Call me cynical but I think this is not a coincidence. These messages were either written by the same person or in tandem.

And no, I don't think she sounds genuine - there is such a thing as being too nice.

@stayathomegardener

Personally I think she sounds quite genuine. I do think your marriage is over however. I'm so sorry.

She wasn't that genuine when his head was between her legs. I think she sounds a patronising woman! I could never trust any of them again op. I hope youre ok

I don't believe that she thought he told you.
There's obviously no way you would have wanted the friendship to continue if he had and you wouldn't have been ok with them being so close.

ts part of the reason I accepted that [her OH friendship with his ex] when we got back together. Like you have told me when i said it annoyed me them hanging out, you initially felt the same way about me but if he wanted to be with her then he wouldn't be with me.

Did her OH cheat on her with his ex too??? If not then why would she consider it to be like for like.

Also she just became friends with you, minded your girls, this, that and the other and never once apologised to you? When you had the conversation she mentioned surely she would have apologised then. She definitely did not think you knew!

Oops cross post sorry, I've just seen the update. Sadly, I can't say I am surprised that something happened between them . I am not sure what to think about the ow's message. Part of me does think she is being genuine, however she also sounds very deluded and quite naive. How on earth does she think it'd be a good idea for you or DH to stay in her house even without them being there?! Seems a bit crazy.

I personally couldn't get past this, especially given he lied about something happening, and him admitting he loves her. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. For now, focus your energies into getting things ready for what you plan to do, sorting your financial affairs, etc. Do you have a family member or close friend (who isn't his friend) you can talk to who could help support you through this? You deserve much better than this

And no neither of you should be going to stay at her house, she should have no involvement at all in your relationship and the aftermath of this...if he's there she'll be checking if he's ok or seeing if he needs anything in the house, asking him how you're doing, if you're coming around, telling him all the reasons why he's a great guy and how you'll probably forgive him in time, pitying him when he's pitying himself, getting all the updates on what you've said and your emotions and feelings and private conversations.

Ugh.

@PoppyGG

So so sorry for what you are going through.

Just wanted to point out something - both messages (your husband's and his "friend's") have the same grammatical error. 'Went' is used instead of 'gone'. Call me cynical but I think this is not a coincidence. These messages were either written by the same person or in tandem.

And no, I don't think she sounds genuine - there is such a thing as being too nice.

People who are close and who live in the same area often use the same grammatical errors when they speak or type!

It doesn't matter if her text is genuine or not it's irrelevant. He lied, he cheated, he manipulated you. Your marriage is built on a lie. He said his vows while having already betrayed your trust. Then kept the lie going for years. You only know everything know because his heart broke seeing her marry someone else. I would never be able to trust him again.

I'm so glad someone else mentioned this! Both DH and other woman write texts that read like bad women's fiction.

OP, I'm hoping this is because they're both a pair of shitheads so write equally shit texts. Hope you have people in real life to confide in. You've had some supportive replies to your thread, people have taken time out if their day to give advice, hopefully not in vain.

She sounds really controlling as well. Saying that you will have to have space and go to their place and that you already know she could never be with him because of xyz petty reason. İt's almost as though she's rubbing it in your face that she could have him if she wanted to and that she holds all the power over all of you and the entire situation. I'd block her and her hubby and not let your husband come back and don't be tempted to find out what happens next.

@BadNomad

"We first met I probably I was curious about what it would like with her."

"Am I attracted to her. I suppose there have been times I have been"

"I probably have flirted with her more than I should have"

"Would I have been with her if I could? Had we both been single when we met then yes we probably would have got together"

"Yes there have been some hugs"

"When you and I have had arguments or rough patches, she has always been on your side"

"seeing her get married made me feel things I didn't expect to feel"

Ignore the rest of the waffle. He is telling you with his own words that he has imagined being with her, he's attracted to her, he has flirted with her, they have hugged, he tells her about your marital problems, if you weren't around they would be together, and it has messed him up that she got married to someone else.

For some reason he seems to think that the fact that they chose not to sleep together (so far) means anything. They are not just friends. It is an affair.

This ^^

Okay that makes more sense. They’re agreed in what they’ll admit to because she’s already told her husband. They absolutely have gone further since but neither you not her husband knows that.

Sorry, I missed OPs update...