My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

I hope you’re a a decent editor OP cause they don’t half bang on between them.

Why did you contact them on their honeymoon?

@Peppapigforlife i thought the same, there's an element of gloating in the message.

?????????= op’s thread

I'd dump him for no other reason than I really really wouldn't want to live in the middle of a badly-made, underbudgeted teen drama. These two are well-met -- on and on and on they go about themselves and their LURVE and their encounters etc etc.

He lied to her so terribly, yet she went on to become so close with him? Sure.

She's as much as a sociopath as he is, but he's your problem, not her. Your husband is one of the most brilliant gaslighters I've ever heard of. He has had you by the nose for years.

You may be able to salvage the marriage with counselling and him cutting off all contact with the OW and him agreeing to leave his job.

I also think you should move far away.

That would be my conditions of continuation and he moves out and you go to counselling and understand why he did what he did.

It may help give you closure and it may also be good for him to reflect on just how much he's fucked up.

He's a weirdo though. Imagine having it all and chucking it away? For the sake of his todger and a half-baked dream of something untested and unknown. People aren't half weird at times.

Agree with the person saying her response was written for an audience of 3. Also by saying stay at home if you need to - shows me she is going nowhere and fully expects to continue to be part of your husband’s life. Also feel that have told you a half truth of oral sex and really it’s much much more.

Wow just wow! I’m so sorry to hear this. If, and that’s a big if, you can get through this as a couple, he is going to have to cut all ties with her for good. Forever!
You need time to process this and to work out if you feel they are being honest to you, or just stringing you along. I sense he his being truly honest otherwise he would of left out a lot of it. Make him sweat, give him the ultimatum and try to forgive, but never forget. But it will be hard, he’s done an unforgettable thing. It takes a lot of strength to stay with someone who has hurt you like this. You have a beautiful family and it’s worth fighting for.

If someone led me on and only told me three.weeks before his wedding, I wouldn’t be befriending his wife and babysitting the kids. It’s bullshit.

Agree the only slight chance of saving it is

No contact between them
He changes jobs
Move close to your family
Counselling

I don't mean this to sound blunt but OP come on, you deserve better than a man who is in love with someone else and would no doubt be with them if she was single. Goodness knows what she's playing at getting married when she clearly has no intention of cutting contact with him and is expecting it to blow over. Be prepared as now she's married He will no doubt say all of the stuff you want to hear to get you back so he isn't alone- but this isn't just something that happened years ago, he still loves her.

I agree she didn’t think you knew - she would have been sheepish around you/avoided you or alternatively apologised, not jollied along with your “friendship”. So IMO she’s lying, and I think a lot of the lying is for her DH who also isn’t aware of the full extent of what’s been going on between them.

Also if she thought you knew and hadn’t been getting her story straight, why all the waffle about the friendship and various things you’ve all said. Surely she would just say “I honestly thought you knew, I’m so sorry”.

Although it wouldn’t actually matter to me either way, as he’s cheated on you with her, lied to you, involved her in your life when you didn’t know what had gone on and now says he loves her - I couldn’t come back from that. Maybe you could OP but remember you don’t have to. You don’t owe either of them anything and you can say enough is enough.

Apparently she is in tears that I am upset. Oh purLEASE.

Just to say that apart from her offer for either of you to stay at her place whilst she's on honeymoon which really underlines her position as his chum and her expectation of continuing in that role, neither of them have offered you anything other than excuses couched as half hearted apologies.
Neither of them have said (forgive me if I've missed something) that they will end or even reign in the friendship. Neither of them seem to expect you to want to continue with the marriage, except on their terms. The OW's DH accepts it so you should too seemingly.
But its interesting that so many people think the long texts are written by the same person.

I really don't like the fact she's making jokes in her response. Also the fact that she suggests you go and stay at hers... as if you would want to be around her things or your H around her house right now. She's doesn't sound very genuine or sorry!

Thinking of you OP at such a horrible time.

Like I said earlier. If you stayed together, could you ever really forgive this or feel good about yourself/relationship?

Did she…. Did she just fuck your husband and then slag him off? That’s, hmm.

I’m so sorry, he’s an absolute twat. It doesn’t matter if she thought you knew or not, he still did it. I couldn’t trust him again personally

@Wednesdayafternoon

I really don't like the fact she's making jokes in her response. Also the fact that she suggests you go and stay at hers... as if you would want to be around her things or your H around her house right now. She's doesn't sound very genuine or sorry!

Thinking of you OP at such a horrible time.

Like I said earlier. If you stayed together, could you ever really forgive this or feel good about yourself/relationship?

I agree, why on Earth is she making jokes

@Sisisimone Welcome to MN OP.

Oh OP I'm so sorry. Has DH at any point, just once, said he'll cut her out of his life to save your marriage. If he hasn't, it's over, you need to get your practical head on. Tbh things will probably snowball quite quickly with them now, they've been building up to this for years. Expect a big drama, her new DH will flounce off in a huff, lots of soul searching, both your DH and OW will end up at her house (let's face it your DH is there now waiting). I'm not trying to be mean but he's going to become someone you don't recognise in the next few weeks who doesn't actually have your best interests at heart and you need to get one step ahead. You will of course do it, plan for being alone moving forward and make sure you and the girls are ok financially xxx

hi op just read your update , im sorry its turned out the way it has , but really its not surprising , this situation had to come to a head at some point , at least now you now a bit more of the truth , i wouldnt believe anything shes written in that text , its just crap designed to make her part in this better and despite shes made your husband out to be the baddie shes happy to let him stay over at hers ! is that so she can soothe him whilst he agonises about the fact hes royally fucked over his family , what shes come out with is really unreal , and its condtradictory as well , so a few weeks before your wedding hes giving her oral sex , but shes telling you oh we were putting distance between us , well not much of it apparently it would seem

and as for we are all adults and have had years to process this , well shes clearly forgetting that you havent had years to process anything , op shes not your friend or someone you can believe or trust for the truth in any way , neither is your husband , they are both going to lie to cover up just how deep rooted their affair is and it is one , may not be physical anymore ,but it still is one of sorts

hes moved out , hes done it for you , you havent had to make any tough choices , sometimes things come to a head for a good reason and now its upto you how you proceed , personally i would say hes done you a big bloody favour , they between them have shown you just how it is , and i dont think myself id ever want him back knowing what hes done , but of course thats upto you

you arent the first woman to be betryed like this and wont be the last , but loads of them pick themselves up , get on with looking after their kids and rebuild , meet someone else and go on to be happier than they were before

now hes left the only thing i will say is dont be pressured by him guilt tripping you into moving back in if you dont know what to do , remember you are like the wronged party here, if hes upset and distraught because hes left the family home and all upset , missing his kids blah blah then he should have thought about that quite a few years ago , and i wouldnt be letting her get all involved any further , what happens next or if you dont decide to have him back is none of her fucking business . if she feels so sorry for him that hes now had to leave his home than she can put him up indefinatly with her husband

@OakRowan

No wonder DH and OW woman get on so well, they have so much in common, their style, the way they communicate, you all sound so similar OP, the way you all write. Extraordinary coincidence that you all sound so similar in your lengthy, wordy messages to each other, so close.

Aye. I can't imagine giving lengthy updates to strangers which are so similar in style to the husbands and the OW's texts. And all within hours of this all 'unravelling'

I trained as a journalist.

The father and brother dying and the 'cancer support' is really something else, though.