My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

She sounds like she's being honest tbh.. and genuinely shocked that you didn't know. Her hisbands message seems to corroborate that. Sounds like your husband was hedging his bets and he might even lose his friendship as she'll probably be disgusted that he lied to her too (that he'd told you). Good enough for him. Hope you're OK.. xx

Wow just read her text. She's a patronising bastard......in fact a lying patronising bastard.

I’m sorry op

Sorry to be direct, but who gives someone oral sex once and leaves it at that?!

It sounds to me that this has likely been an on/off infatuation on both sides for a long time.
He's engineered a friendship between you and her to keep her close and in plain sight.

What a fool.

So he lied to her too did he? Or has she just thrown him under the bus to preserve her (5 minutes old) marriage? She can hardly, on honeymoon, fess up and say, well yes, we’ve been shagging for years? To be honest, I’m not sure it matters and she, along with your utter dick of a husband, can absolutely fuck right off to fuckoffsville. NO ONE in their right mind would play out this charade over so many years, with that history. Whatever the case, these two people are not in your corner and are not good for you. I cannot begun to imagine how bloody dreadful you must feel op. What a god awful shock and worse, a realisation of years worth of niggling doubts.
I am normally the last to say LTB, but in this case, I think you need to chop them both off, block, delete, ignore. There is just far too much here to come back from.

So sorry, OP.

Sazdun, he is still lying and feeding you shit sandwiches. You do not have the full story.

He and OW have really done a number on you and your girls. The insidious way they have rooted her into all your lives to maintain their secret thrills is revolting.

His self-absorbed missive proves that he is completely immersed in OW and you are marginalized. She is his primary emotional relationship, and he thrives on her presence and all their interactions. The affair is ongoing.

It’s gutting to know that your cherished H is actually an entitled, self-serving liar and cheat who has stolen your consent/choices for 8 long years….who has used your children to perpetuate his infidelity.

There’s no way I would move forward with such a man.

My heart goes out to you because the trust is broken now . Why are men never happy with what they have ?? Fu..ing fool !!

I read your first post and my first thought was ‘they’ve fucked’ but didn’t see the point in commenting but after seeing your update, I am raging for you. How dare they? And his wishy washy text to you made me sick. He is a cheat and they are both disgusting for entrenching her into your lives. She is no friend to you and he is an absolute pig. I’m sorry but if she’d have him, I truly believe he’d leave. The fact that he almost seems to be protecting her from your anger is very telling about his true feelings for her.

Oh and for me, oral sex is worse than penetrative sex. It’s much more intimate and I would be heartbroken if my husband told me he done that with someone else while we were together. No way it wasn’t reciprocated either.
It comes across that you feel lucky to have him. You’re not. He’s a lying cheating piece of shit. See your worth darling and tell him to leave - where he goes is not your problem.

Wow that's quite a response from the OW. as much as if does sound sincere (ish) I agree with others that they have had a long time to agree on a story..yes she may have told her DH that there was a thing between her and your DH in the past but she will equally be covering her tracks about all the (suspected) other meet ups since. Her DH has been fooled like you. Seriously messed up..

In any case, can you really trust him again. If he doesn't continue with this woman can you really say you wont worry when he's away on future work trips? Or late nights out? If you can't trust him the marriage is over

I'm so angry for you op. What a pair of duplicitous arseoles! I don't believe she is sincere at all, ingratiating herself into your and your children's lives whilst knowing all along what she had done and was still probably doing. As for him, I think I'd get banned if I gave my opinion. I expect your family will rally for you and your lovely girls, there are so many here who have unfortunately been in the same situation so you will get support here too. Bless you and your girls

@Sazdun

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to. My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered. Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them. Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her. To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect. In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women. After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband. Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship. I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken. Any advice on what to do would be great.

I can relate to that feeling of feeling punched in the gut . I suspected something between my Husband and a friend and in an instant when I saw that look I knew and my heart broke . I don’t know if it was an emotional or physical affair by that time but they have been together for 11 years now .

You need to talk to him honestly to find out his feelings and then decide how this plays out for you . I personally would not want my husband to gave any more to do with her if you stay

@Blue4YOU

My thoughts are he colluded with her when on his dog walk as to what they’d mutually admit to.

This exactly. They have their stories straight. He sounds very fond of himself. What an awful shock for you. Change the locks and get a solicitor. You’ll get through this x

My uncle did to my auntie. He was with his first wife for years, had kids, 'happy' marriage and then ran off with a close female friend. He'd apparently always loved her and she was the one and one day they both realised the truth and left their partners and families. They literally bought a house together (or rented, can't remember) from behind their partners backs and made an agreement to start their lives together on a set date.

Ruined his ex's life. She never saw any of us again. The kids keep their distance from us, I've only seen my cousins about 8 times in my life. Very upsetting.

He then did the same sort of thing to the new wife and is now on his third. Kids with all three too.

Guarantee he’ll have spoken to her whilst composing his essay.

I'm sorry OP your husband is a shit. There's no way I could forgive this. If nothing had happened for so long, why is he so in love with her still and crying watching her get married? Who stops at oral sex? And like the others have said - it's worse than sex anyway.

@stayathomegardener

Personally I think she sounds quite genuine. I do think your marriage is over however. I'm so sorry.

Same.

Her message is highly manipulative but it doesn’t surprise me that you were the last to know. It sounds like her relationship with her husband is toxic whereby they “one-up” each other by keeping people who they’ve been romantically involved with/had sex with as “friends.” Whether people want to admit it to themselves or not, they either do that because they have unresolved feelings or because that person still serves them in an ego-driven way (or both).

I’m so sorry that you’ve been dragged into this utter toxicity. I don’t believe that they truly believed that you knew, by the way, at least not deep down, and I get the sense that they’ve kept you “out the loop” in multiple ways.

Everything about her response gave me the creeps, from her “matey-matey” reasoning of why she wouldn’t be with your husband, to her closing line of offering for one of you to stay at theirs. She clearly gets off on how entwined she is in your relationship and loves the ego boost, attention, feelings of validation and of significance that it gives her. That this man thought so highly of her he managed to “convince” his wife to keep her in his life.

This woman needs serious help and her husband is clearly along for the ride because she lets him get away with so much as well. What a mess. A mess your husband has dragged you into (I’m not going to comment on him specifically as I think others have said all that can be said).

Like I wrote in my first post, everything will be okay, OP. You 100% do not need this utter toxicity and gutter dysfunction in your life, nor do your girls.

I was in a relationship with a guy from the age of 21 to 28 (but we were on-and-off since I was 16), I also thought he was the most beautiful, wonderful thing to walk the planet (he’s an actor, so the toxicity was fuelled by him getting lots of attention) that ended in a similar way to you, but I let it drag out for 10 months longer than I should’ve and left the relationship physically emaciated and emotionally hollow.

I thought I’d never heal from the relationship ending, and honestly it took years, but those years of healing, blood, sweat and tears have seen me emerge with a successful writing business, a great relationship with God, a loving husband and a renewed energy for life, and an overhaul of my self-esteem - none of which I had in that relationship.

You can do this. Sending you so much love and hugs.

@EarthSight Yup I came out after I was married, but when there was nobody else on the scene. I’ve been living with feelings for other people for so long but when DH came into my life I thought I could commit fully to him without having those feelings. I found out I was lonely with just one partner, so I talked everything through with DH. I have only been seeing my other friend for 3 years and I didn’t go looking and told my DH about my feelings before I acted on anything.

As far as the OP is concerned: After reading the update I can say her DH is being a total arse! It seems he was only properly honest when he was backed into a corner and that is no good for any relationship.

Well you could stay married. But how do you ever trust him again?

They sound like nice people, both of them. But again, the trust.

I'm so sorry. It's so tough.

It's almost as if the same person wrote those 2 mammoth texts.

Both his message and her message sound like they were written by the same person.

Okay so basically she is now married and in her honeymoon and when he is finally available to whatever he wants.

The oral sex thing is interesting. When I was younger a few guys who were in a relationship offered to give me oral sex. According According them its not cheating cause they are not having sex...just giving. These are the crazy things people tell themselves to justify their actions.

There is no saving your marriage. He lied to you and he lied to her just so he could get what he wants. There was never any confusion. I'll never understand why guys like him don't break it off. If he wanted a cheap fuck before marriage, I'd get it. But being jn love for years and there was an opportunity opportunity be with her long term without a risk of ending up being single.

"They sound like nice people, both of them"

What thread are you reading?!

I am torn. I'd like to say she's being sincere. But I also think its written for an audience of 3, for your DH, for you , and for her brand new DH.
I might have missed something, so apologies if that's the case, but I cna't remember seeing in these messages either your DH or this woman say that they will end what has turned out to be inappropriate friendship, so that the two of you can rebuild your marriage, (which if she really didn't know that he hadn't told you about his earlier mishaps with her one might expect)
She doesn't really express any remorse about the friendship itself or admit that its inappropriate. They say they are sorry for pain caused, but the fact that her DH has female friendships is almost used as an excuse for them, and there's no direct admission that they should not have been integrating her into your married life and family or that he was wrong to continue it.
It doesn't read as if either of them intend to end their friendship... which implies they expect you to put up with it, now that everything is out in the open. Not sure how they can be expecting that to work in the long run.
Horrible for you OP but if its got to come out, its better to know the truth so that you can make informed choices for yourself and your girls.