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Original poster

My husband loves someone else as well as me

758 replies

Sazdun · 26/03/2022 01:27

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

OP posts:
Boysgrownbutstillathome · 26/03/2022 18:43

Don't do anything too hasty. We all make mistakes and he obviously regrets his. You were going to have counselling, so do that and then decide what to do. You have children who need a dad and you said you love him and he loves you so, yes, be angry but fight for him and set some boundaries for your marriage.

TeatimeGlitter · 26/03/2022 18:44

Hi OP, I created an account just to comment on your post! I just wanted to tell you that even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, absolutely everything will be okay and you will look back on this time and be glad that it took you where you needed to go.

You’re about to undergo a huge transformation, both internally and externally, that will make you into the best version of yourself that you’ve ever been and the best mother for your lovely girls.

Sometimes we go through hell to come out the other end as who we were supposed to be all along, and we realise the inner power that lay dormant whilst we were in a dynamic that didn’t serve us.

Everything that you have written points to you being a kind, loving, empathetic and loyal woman. Your ability to always see the best in people and to support them no matter what will be so powerful in a context where the players aren’t set to drain you of your wonderful qualities.

Look after yourself, choose yourself, choose self-worth, choose self-respect and always remember that no matter how hard it gets, the ease will come.

Original poster
Sazdun · 26/03/2022 18:48

The last few hours have been surreal. He has moved out. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about it yet, I don't want it to be real. I messaged her and her husband on their honeymoon. Fuck them. They both got back to me in minutes, I don't know if H has been in touch with her during his walk earlier but they seem as surprised by this as me. I just can't look at him and I keep.picturing them together now doing that!

Her husband said he knew as she told him when they got back together. It is why he has always been a bit less friendly with my OH and I sensed always sensed a bit of tension but he said he couldn't have a go at her when she accepts his friendships with exes. He called OH an idiot and said she genuinely believed I knew but that we were all being grown ups, realised people fuck up and moved on. Apparently she is in tears that I am upset.

Her message with some omissions to protect identity

Jesus how do i begin to say sorry for everything you have went through today because sorry will never be enough to make up for what happened. It breaks my heart I have contributed to you feeling so shit. You are amazing and don't deserve to be feeling so heartbroken. He told me years ago you knew already. I thought you knew about this and had moved on so long as i knew my place. Our dalliance was pure and simple infatuation. We realised quickly we would just be hurting people and that we should stop and just be friends. It stopped within weeks of it starting. I hold my hands up and say it should never have went that far in the first place and certainly not just before you got married. I never thought I was that type of person and put space between us immediately when he told me he was weeks from getting married.I suppose it means nothing now but I was so angry when he told me. I had never realised until then you were anything but just casually dating let alone you lived together streets away. You both got married and that was that nothing has ever happened since. When we started working and then hanging out again a few years later, I asked him if you were okay with this and he told me, he told you before the wedding and you were angry but decided to forgive him. I knew if we were to be friends that youneeded to be comfortable with it and I wanted to be your friend too, so it could be a new chapter that was all above board and transparent. You were so kind and understanding and I believed you to be ten times the person I was, its part of the reason I accepted that [her OH friendship with his ex] when we got back together. Like you have told me when i said it annoyed me them hanging out, you initially felt the same way about me but if he wanted to be with her then he wouldn't be with me. That is the exact same case with ** and me. He views me as his friend that is it. I also told [her H] what happened when we got back together. I promise you nothing has ever happened since then. He loves you and the girlies so much and it is you he wants to be with. I am his friend that is all. You and I have talked about how I could never be with him and how he irritates the shit out of me at times. Who doesn't like cheese or wine for fuck sake and his shoes! Yes our friendship came out of something that shouldn't have happened but for 8 years has been nothing else. To find this out now, I can only imagine the anger and hurt and I am so sorry for the part I played in it. I value you both and your friendship, you have both been there at the worst times in my life and I wouldn't never do anything to break up your family. I am so pissed at him for not telling you but I can only say in his defence it is because he loves you all so much and his idiotic way of doing that has blown up the very thing he has always wanted to protect. You will need space. We are away for another two weeks If you or him want to stay at ours to get that breathing space you have the spare key. I appreciate you hate me as much as him right now but when you are ready please talk to me. We have all had years to process this and move on so I know it will take time.

Thoughts people?

OP posts:
NorthSouthcatlady · 26/03/2022 18:52

You or him stay at theirs Shock The lady does protest too much. Block her

Jalapinot · 26/03/2022 18:52

You haven't had years to process this!
Fuck her and fuck him too.

stayathomegardener · 26/03/2022 18:53

Personally I think she sounds quite genuine.

I do think your marriage is over however.

I'm so sorry.

IncompleteSenten · 26/03/2022 18:54

It sounds sincere to me.

It changes nothing of course. He betrayed you and lied to you. You'll never truly trust him again will you?

I'd suggest taking some time to digest all this.

Pawtriarchal · 26/03/2022 18:54

I can see why they’re ‘friends’ if they both send essays like this back and forth, who else would have the time to read all that?

What happened back then is only half of it, he’s self sabotaging your relationship now. I’d walk away from him at least for a while. You can’t compete with this level of navel gazing and why would you want to?

DuckDuckNo · 26/03/2022 18:55

My thoughts: she is manipulative and if I was you, I'd cut contact with them all.

I am so sorry to read the latest update. The manipulation of both of them, encouraging friendships and becoming more enmeshed in each others lives while they were both being dishonest about the extent of their relationship. Her bonding with your children by babysitting and getting her mother and stepfather to step in and do the same sits very uncomfortably with me.

This exactly. It's like.. he is manoeuvring her to take your place, if an opportunity occurs.

And you really CANNOT believe that they have been on five trips together and nothing has ever happened since the oral sex "dalliance".

cantbelieveheletmedown · 26/03/2022 18:56

@Sazdun

The last few hours have been surreal. He has moved out. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about it yet, I don't want it to be real. I messaged her and her husband on their honeymoon. Fuck them. They both got back to me in minutes, I don't know if H has been in touch with her during his walk earlier but they seem as surprised by this as me. I just can't look at him and I keep.picturing them together now doing that!

Her husband said he knew as she told him when they got back together. It is why he has always been a bit less friendly with my OH and I sensed always sensed a bit of tension but he said he couldn't have a go at her when she accepts his friendships with exes. He called OH an idiot and said she genuinely believed I knew but that we were all being grown ups, realised people fuck up and moved on. Apparently she is in tears that I am upset.

Her message with some omissions to protect identity

Jesus how do i begin to say sorry for everything you have went through today because sorry will never be enough to make up for what happened. It breaks my heart I have contributed to you feeling so shit. You are amazing and don't deserve to be feeling so heartbroken. He told me years ago you knew already. I thought you knew about this and had moved on so long as i knew my place. Our dalliance was pure and simple infatuation. We realised quickly we would just be hurting people and that we should stop and just be friends. It stopped within weeks of it starting. I hold my hands up and say it should never have went that far in the first place and certainly not just before you got married. I never thought I was that type of person and put space between us immediately when he told me he was weeks from getting married.I suppose it means nothing now but I was so angry when he told me. I had never realised until then you were anything but just casually dating let alone you lived together streets away. You both got married and that was that nothing has ever happened since. When we started working and then hanging out again a few years later, I asked him if you were okay with this and he told me, he told you before the wedding and you were angry but decided to forgive him. I knew if we were to be friends that youneeded to be comfortable with it and I wanted to be your friend too, so it could be a new chapter that was all above board and transparent. You were so kind and understanding and I believed you to be ten times the person I was, its part of the reason I accepted that [her OH friendship with his ex] when we got back together. Like you have told me when i said it annoyed me them hanging out, you initially felt the same way about me but if he wanted to be with her then he wouldn't be with me. That is the exact same case with ** and me. He views me as his friend that is it. I also told [her H] what happened when we got back together. I promise you nothing has ever happened since then. He loves you and the girlies so much and it is you he wants to be with. I am his friend that is all. You and I have talked about how I could never be with him and how he irritates the shit out of me at times. Who doesn't like cheese or wine for fuck sake and his shoes! Yes our friendship came out of something that shouldn't have happened but for 8 years has been nothing else. To find this out now, I can only imagine the anger and hurt and I am so sorry for the part I played in it. I value you both and your friendship, you have both been there at the worst times in my life and I wouldn't never do anything to break up your family. I am so pissed at him for not telling you but I can only say in his defence it is because he loves you all so much and his idiotic way of doing that has blown up the very thing he has always wanted to protect. You will need space. We are away for another two weeks If you or him want to stay at ours to get that breathing space you have the spare key. I appreciate you hate me as much as him right now but when you are ready please talk to me. We have all had years to process this and move on so I know it will take time.

Thoughts people?

They are both skanks. She's trying damage limitation as she is worried about herself only. He is a bastard but her to do this to another woman is the lowest of the low.
SucculentChalice · 26/03/2022 18:56

Ugh. What a stupid man. Some people get married so as to trap someone with them as a security blanket, so they can have a girlfriend or boyfriend as well. From the sound of his initial text, thats what he had planned. I had an ex who tried that, he got married and then 6 months later texted me to say he "was able to see me again now" without mentioning that he had got married. Fortunately a friend had told me. Lies come too easy to this man and he is very manipulative. Run, and keep running.

Beansontoastagain · 26/03/2022 18:56

What a truly horrible position to be in. I felt angry for you. What an absolute shit of a man he is! All the years promising that they were just friends when he had/was having an affair. If I were you I would out the affair to her husband and tell your friends so they can offer support. I'd also tell him to go to a hotel for a few nights so you can have some space to think.

Blue4YOU · 26/03/2022 18:57

My thoughts are he colluded with her when on his dog walk as to what they’d mutually admit to.

MadameGazelleBand · 26/03/2022 18:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

spacehardware · 26/03/2022 18:58

For what it's worth, she sounds sincere

But that just means he's lied snd lied and lied to her to

He lied to her about being engaged to you, and he lied to her about having told you the truth

He's a cunt

I'm glad he's left. You will be too eventually

Mumof3confused · 26/03/2022 18:59

Her actions and what she believed isn’t that relevant (although it turns out she did know he wasn’t single at the time). It’s your husband’s behaviour lying to all and sundry. Weaving her into your lives and lusting after her for almost a decade. He’s rotten to the core.

OMG12 · 26/03/2022 19:00

[quote Blue4YOU]@OMG12
You could stay after this man walked his affair partner right into your marriage and home?
Had his OW’s parents babysit.. so the children get to know them, so when he makes the move the lovely kind woman who was there for him and gave gifts and was never nasty to mummy and the rest of the bollox but let daddy lick her out a few weeks before he got married- is someone you think counselling can help?
Counselling isn’t prison- it’s not punishment.
It’s not going to “fix” him.
He does not think he had issues other than he can’t be with the person he wants to be with.
And he’s lied every minute of every day since he met her..[/quote]
It’s totally irrelevant whether I could stay, he’s not my husband, it’s down to the OP. What I would do on sickly circumstances is hypothetical and how we think we would react in hypothetical situations is often very different to how we react when things play out.

Blue4YOU · 26/03/2022 19:00

She’s just got married and hoped that’d be a convenient cover for him to continue with her. What the fuck else was that wedding dance about?

LetHimHaveIt · 26/03/2022 19:00

I could never put on a pedestal, someone who doesn't know the difference between 'gone' and 'went'. So we know he doesn't love her for her mind . . .

That aside, I think she may be sincere. Possibly.

But he still went down on her three days before marrying you. He needs to get to fuck. Useless dickturd.

Ludo19 · 26/03/2022 19:03

I read your post earlier then came back on to see if there were any further developments. I'm so sorry OP please keep in mind some facts to help you decide what kind of person you have in your life.

  1. A liar
  2. A cheat
  3. A gaslighter
  4. A controlled and deliberate bastard.

Please be assured he's definitely had sex with her multiple times. You don't just go down on someone and leave it at that, not the way they've been behaving. He's lied to her about you being engaged to him to see if she'd be an option. She's then facilitated this facade by befriending you. The way they've both behaved is appalling but he is utterly despicable. Please don't waste your love and devotion on this absolute lying bastard, what he's done is unforgivable. She's a dreadful bitch also but you're not married to her.

I wish you well OP xx

Electriq · 26/03/2022 19:03

They have a story that matches from previous, the fact he still 'loves her' 8 years on suggests that more has happened since then, but she's just got married, she's got a free pass from her new hubby for that, but obviously can't admit to everything in between, it will come out in the wash, it always does.

Sorry Op, they've had years to cover their tracks.

MadameGazelleBand · 26/03/2022 19:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Planesmistakenforstars · 26/03/2022 19:04

They have had years to process everyting, but they have also had years to get their stories straight. If she's telling the truth, then it doesn't change the fact that your husband cheated on you before the wedding, didn't have the decency to let you decide on marrying him given that fact, and then has spent YEARS lying to you and having AT BEST an emotional affair with this woman under your nose.

spacehardware · 26/03/2022 19:05

Yeah ok, fair points, she's probably actually as much of a deceitful cunt as him

Ridingoutthewaves · 26/03/2022 19:06

She’s offered that he can stay at her house? Is this real? You have no reason to trust either of them anymore. They both are clearly in love with each other whether they admit it or not, probably not based on reality but he’s not a nice man. Sorry.

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