My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

The web of deceit is horrible. He seems to have encouraged the relationship between both women. Even getting HER parents to babysit the little girls while on a date night. 🥺 What was his game plan and what will his next move be?

I’m completely stunned by this post. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such anger towards a post on here before.

I’m am so so sorry OP this is absolutely horrific.

The fact she is so involved in your life after all this is deeply disgusting. I’d have it out with her as well.

I can’t tell you what to do but there’s absolutely no way in hell I could want to stay with him after this. You deserve better than this.

They are vile. The both of them.
It’s a complete lie, how dare they both treat you like this.

Ok caught up. I had read first few pages & everyone seemed on same page as me. So just read op posts.

OP get him in the ducking bin - out your life, out your front door, right now .

It's not just the vile oral before your wearing &'their undoubted affair.
It's the fucking gaslighting evil shitty behaviour of the two of them having this secret fizzing between them.

It is cruel & harmful & he is NOT a good man.

Get him out of your house.

I certainly wouldn't judge you if you sent a group chat to her & her new husband spelling it all out. I would.

I'm beyond sorry you're going through this. Get angry. Stay angry. Get him out.

I am so sorry
Please see a solicitor asap - try to get recommendations for a good one - and find out where you stand legally
You don't need to tell him how you feel, or what you are planning on doing.
Try to find some real life support, tell your family and friends
I'd be very tempted to message her and her husband and tell them that you know what's happened and want no further contact with her.
Find your anger and fight for a better future for you and your children. You may well get a better financial settlement if you act fast while he is feeling guilty

I'd ask him to leave, he needs to understand what he's lost. In the cold light of day, once he realises his real relationship is over, his fantasy relationship won't seem any where near as appealing. Then and only then, can you decide if you want to carry on with him. He needs to fight for you.

They've both lied to you for years, he's had an emotional and physical relationship with this woman throughout your entire relationship. He might think it's ok because he's 'done nothing' since you've got married, but you married him under false pretences, you thought he was a good and honest man, so you married him, had you know he's been lying and cheating on you, I doubt you'd have married him.

Cheeky fucker trying to tell you only the relevant parts! What a cheek!

He can go to a hotel in the first instance and get a flat next week.

Please stick to yours guns OP and divorce. You deserve so much better
He uses a lot of words but from what I see he would be with her like a shot and she likes to keep him on the back burner and to flatter her

OP it's almost a definite that he's telling you what he think you will believe. There will be far more to this story still to come.

I would get in touch with her for her side of the story (although I'm sure they'll have their stories straight by now) but I feel sick for you at the thought they have conspired together and made you part of it all.

The trust has gone.

Op you earn more than he does so that might mean you having to pay him off.

He will have rights to your marital assets: pensions, home, savings etc.

You cannot kick him out.

Men are usually practical so the fact you have a good job, good earning power and assets would make you an attractive catch to him for an easier life than if he was the sole breadwinner.

I am sorry. They have been having a full blown affair through out your marriage in full sight of everyone right under your nose, and you are the last to know.

The ruse worked up until now but he has told you because he is mad with jealousy he's not on honeymoon with her right now and is prepared to chuck everything he has with you under a bus so that he can be with her.

Having half the marital assets will make that more possible than if he stays in the sham marriage he has with you.

He can't keep the pretence up anymore.

Op please be strong but omg you have been deceived so badly but not just by your DH and her, but my all the people you know and their work colleagues who have kept you in the dark all along.

Sounds like he’s been controlling this situation, this is not normal at all . No way would I be socialising with her, what about her husband doesn’t he think it’s odd ?? I would tell him to leave and find a man who only loves you, you’re not second best don’t let him treat you as if you are !!

He may not have done anything physically with her since, but he’s still having An emotional affair with her. Also, he lied about his relationship prior to your marriage and although you weren’t married then, he still ‘cheated’ on you.

I know you said you couldn't talk to your friends about this OP but I think it's at a point where you absolutely can. No matter how he tries and spins it he's been an absolute rat and she's no better. Talk to people in RL, Don't quieten it for him. You will find lots of support.

At first I felt for your husband, because I had a friendship like this, however he was in a relationship, we never so much as hugged by I loved him with ever fibre in me, I just wanted him in my life but I was not prepared to cheat, eventually I got married and he recently split with his partner, we still talk and every so often I do get that pang of what if, but it can never happen, then your update came, and wow, I'm so sorry OP, me personally, I'd get in the car and head straight to her house, she did this too, but I also understand that your life has just imploded.

I’ve thought about this a fair bit and there is no way she didn’t know he was engaged when in the same workplace across years.

Which leads me to wonder why he’s so keen to protect her and I think maybe one day he sees her as your girls’ stepmother.

I've just read the whole thread. And wow.

Firstly, I am so sorry for what you are going through. You must be devastated and I feel sick on your behalf!

She has basically overshadowed your whole relationship. They have both betrayed you greatly and are liars. Once she found out about you, if she was such an amazing person she would have not gone bear him again. She's been some fake friend and i would be furious she's buying my.choldrwn gifts whilst knowing she's fucked my husband (she will have had sex with him).
He is disgusting, he betrayed you and allowed her to become a huge part of your lives. Keeping up the act of his family whilst still having the woman he loves in his life.

He needs to leave. You can't come back from this. This isn't just a man admitting he's cheated in the past. He cheated and actively brought her into yourives whilst falling in love with her. You are worth so much more and the fact he has wasted so many years of your life whilst being a lying arsehole is disgusting.

Alternatively, if he paints her as a saint he’s atleast got leverage if she decides to tell the whole truth.

If he did tell the truth - full blown affair in which she always knew about you - there’s a risk she’d be angry at him and suddenly tell you everything.

You need to consider if you want to stay. Telling you to leave is not straightforward.

If you wanted to make it work the only way it could would be for him to get a new job, move out the area and get some serious counselling.

Please tell someone in real life. A friend or family member, someone you trust. You have done nothing wrong, nothing to be ashamed of, and you need some support.

Talk to people. Your friends will understand and want to help

Didn't I say this dude reminded me of Matt Hancock? He's known that Gina person for longer than he did his wife.

Seriously I must be clairvoyant

Sorry missed your last couple of updates. Can you go and stay with a friend for a few days?

Oh no how upsetting. I’m so 😢 you’re in this position.

I wonder what this woman would say if you confronted her with this information. I wonder if she is in love with your husband or if maybe she isn’t interested in him in that way.
Would you feel like talking to her about it? I guess then you run the risk of your husband and her having a conversation that confirms they both feel the same.
I’m also wondering if her new husband seems to have any insecurities around their friendship?
I think if it were me I have to do something as I couldn’t live with the situation as it is. X

So sorry this is happening to you.

@OMG12
You could stay after this man walked his affair partner right into your marriage and home?
Had his OW’s parents babysit.. so the children get to know them, so when he makes the move the lovely kind woman who was there for him and gave gifts and was never nasty to mummy and the rest of the bollox but let daddy lick her out a few weeks before he got married- is someone you think counselling can help?
Counselling isn’t prison- it’s not punishment.
It’s not going to “fix” him.
He does not think he had issues other than he can’t be with the person he wants to be with.
And he’s lied every minute of every day since he met her..

He felt so bad for what they did he decided to stay friends and make sure she wa sin your life still

bastard

Oh Op I am so sorry to read your update! Don't rush into any decisions yet just take time to yourself to process your feelings. I would be seeing if they're stories match up before he has chance to feed his version to her if your up to it but just do what's right for you xx