My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

I don’t believe that they stopped at only oral sex. I’m afraid I think they will have been having sex and the work trips will have been an opportune circumstance for this to take place. I’m so sorry OP but I think he’s only admitted to a tiny portion of what’s gone on.

Nobody needs this cheap soap opera drama in their lives, least of all your girls. He’s not good enough for you, and he’s not good enough for them. Get him out, pick up your shattered dignity and get on with your life.

You say her dp is no good for you .
Well sorry op but your dp is no good for you either.

*no good for her

Oh OP I'm so sorry 💐

They are both utter POS.

Give him 24 hours to pack a bag and leave. If he questions it just keep repeating that statement. You don't need to say anything else to him.

Once he's gone, please try and reach out to at least one friend irl.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

Get him out of the house, OP. He's trying to control and manipulate the situation by not going, thinking he can wheedle his way back in. Tell him he needs to get out. He can stay in a hotel if he's got nowhere to go. He's got no right to be calling the shots here. What an absolute piece of shit he is. Unbelievable how the two of them manipulated and gaslit you. Unforgiveable.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. He's a cheat and is now pinning after his affair partner. He'd be there in a shot if she snapped her fingers. You're better than both of them.

Let's see what happens to their deep connection now it's all out in the open.

He’s letting you know that you don’t deserve space to grieve. He could give it up, but he won’t. He’s letting you know, not for the first time, what you’re worth to him. Listen.

He's still lying.
There is no way they haven't had sex.

OP - have you thought about talking to some of your other RL female friends… get them round for a bit to be with you?
Ps I hope he has gone now and isn’t still spilling his guts out

I agree with pp. They have definitely had sex - probably multiple times.

Is he claiming that he got no pleasure from her - it was just him giving to her? Because that would be bullshit too.

I’m just wondering why his motive is for telling you is? I’m thinking he wants you to get upset and confront her, possibly tell her husband. So that the two of them can finally be together. It sounds like he really wants to hurt you too. I’m so sorry

Oral sex is still sex.
Saying it stopped at that because he felt bad could simply mean he couldn't get hard.
BUT oral sex is still sex.

He cheated and what a bastard he was to continue to have this woman in his life and in your life and go to her wedding and everything in between that he has done for all these years.

You deserve so much better OP. I hope you are ok

So sorry OP...you sound lovely, they are both scum. As someone else said, get your finances in order without letting him know, then kick him out and start telling people whats happened.

He is clearly not remorseful nor wanting to stop seeing this woman. Don't be someone's second choice, you are worth so much more

Take this cunt to the cleaners.

@Forumqueen

I’m just wondering why his motive is for telling you is? I’m thinking he wants you to get upset and confront her, possibly tell her husband. So that the two of them can finally be together. It sounds like he really wants to hurt you too. I’m so sorry

I'd say he's very cut up about the wedding and knows he can't keep his feelings in if the OP is going to keep questioning him about it so he blurted it all out.

There are men who do that, they often say they will give up the affair partner but then openly grieve and mourn the relationship they had with them in front of their wives/girlfriends!

The problem is that he only told you because you confronted him after all these years. He didn't tell you out of remorse or shame and probably never would have, if you hadn't rocked his boat. That's the reason for me why I wouldn't take him back after this.

Oh how awful, you must be devastated. I don’t see any way back from that. It’s bad enough he was unfaithful. Had he closed the door, walked away from her and stayed away for the past eight years PERHAPS you could get past it with a lot of work. But not only has he lied, he’s brought the woman into your world, your little girl’s world and made you all friends. He and she are revolting. They obviously think their “friendship” (huge inverted commas there!) is more important than anything else. And you watched him practically cry over her and dance tenderly at her wedding. It’s not over and you can’t trust a word he says (even though he thinks he’s honest joe!). I’m so sorry.

Op if he won’t leave do you have somewhere to go to, a relative or close friend? It will be unbearable sharing space with him in the next few days and removing yourself, and your children, will give you time to come to terms with his revelation. He’s banking on you staying put, don’t give him the advantage, let him worry about what you are going to do for a change. Even book a caravan for a week but don’t let him manipulate the situation or your response.

My tuppence worth.

Ask him to leave. Tell him that he has hurt you deeply by this 'friendship'

DO NOT ask him to give her up or break contact etc - for 2 reasons:

1. He will blame you & he will romanticise her & he can play out his pathetic middle age Romeo & Juliet drama in his head with yoy as the villain. And invariably it will come out in the future

1. You'll never be sure if he's staying because he loves you or because of circumstance, kids, her marriage etc

Imho you need him to fight for you, to be devastated at potential loss of you in order to feel safe & secure again. His reaction when you tell him to leave & in a few weeks time will be your answer.

You sound a lovely lovely person OP & my heart is breaking for you.

@beachcitygirl
He has admitted kissing her and having oral sex with her.

He’s telling this version of events to protect her relationship with her husband. I’m betting he’s husband knows ‘something happened when they split but they never had sex’ so he is disclosing enough as to not upset her marriage.

@Weightscales

Oh gosh. Reading your post is heart breaking.

I know people will come in strong and if you want to leave him I can see why. But you have two little girls and I can see why that's probably not the first place you want to jump to. I think the more balanced advice is better but I don't for one minute think it's necessarily the easiest for you. I can imagine it feels very 'put up and shut up'.

He's put you in a position where you're effectively competing with an idealised version of another woman - a woman who doesn't take her make-up off in front of him, break wind, or has a go at him for leaving his socks out! She can do no wrong. That's horrible.

I read a book called Brand New Friend by Mike Gayle. It's an easy read, beach type book - but it's about something similar, written from the man's perspective.

I also agree with what others are saying - she probably wouldn't have him. If she had fallen in love with him, it would probably have come out at some point. What does her husband make of all this? Do you know him well?

One thing I would be doing - although not sure that it's particularly effective or mature but I'd be showing him he'd destroyed our marriage with actions not words. I'd be saying he needs to sleep in the spare room. I'd be dropping him out of any plans. I'd be taking my kids off for days out - saying - I need space. I'd be leaving him alone in an evening and I'd be barely speaking to him during the day. I'd also be making a big old effort to look great and I'd be taking myself off to places. I'd have him wondering wtf I was up to. I'd be distracted by my phone. And I'd be visibly showing him I don't have any desire to be around him. I'd let him feel me slip away, while I planned for a single life.

What he does with that, faced with a clear uncertainty in his home is down to him.

I wouldn't be saying to him I want to work on our marriage. I'd probably say something like- it's very hurtful all this and it's making me rethink the way I feel about you and in all honesty I don't know how I feel about you anymore. Then withdraw. Its going to be hard to do but I feel if you do withdraw it gives you time to get prepared and it will either spark him to fight for you and wake up from this ridiculous dream and bring things to a head or it will send him the other way and then you'll be able to walk.

Better than living in limbo I guess?

Good post.

What a dick!

No way two adults like these with such history, that they stopped just at oral...

But does it matter?

If he bloody apologises , makes it up to you, treat you like the woman you are, you have the option to forgive..... assuming all contact with the other dick stops now

Good luck!
And .... never ever put him on a pedestal again , he's just a dick!

I’m so so sorry to read your update. Give yourself time to process this and see where you want to go. X