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Original poster

My husband loves someone else as well as me

758 replies

Sazdun · 26/03/2022 01:27

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

OP posts:
Inertia · 26/03/2022 14:29

I am so sorry.

Mumteedum · 26/03/2022 14:31

Gaslighting bastards Flowers

Underfrighter · 26/03/2022 14:32

What an absolute dick. So cheated and its somehow not relevant because he is not currently cheating. And he is not eithe you currett because he wants to be, because he doesn't want to hurt you or your children...its because he promised a third part, and it would be terrible to break that promise to god (much worse than breaking a promise to you when you were exclusive and planning to be married). And if it was such a huge mistake he would have cut her out completely. I actually feel sick for you. I'm so sorry but there is no way back from this. Especially the way he is framing it, he actually seems to think it was ok to keep her in your life after what they did. He has absolutely none of his own morals or any empathy

TinaYouFatLard · 26/03/2022 14:33

I’m sorry OP.

The dynamic of your relationship sounds like you and he both consider him to be the prize you won. He thinks his stock value is higher than yours and this gives him the green light to behave in the appalling way he has. Even without the most recent revelations about sexual intimacy, you have turned a blind eye to a totally inappropriate relationship because you think he’s a catch and you don’t want to lose him.

You are worth more than this.

heathspeedwell · 26/03/2022 14:34

So sorry that you are going through this. At least now you know for certain that she is two-faced and manipulative and that your husband cannot be trusted.

I hope you can talk to real-life friends and family about this now. You have been treated incredibly badly and you need to talk about your experiences to help you to get your head around it and decide what you want to do next.

You will get through this, you are clever, insightful and compassionate. You have beautiful children who love you. Put yourself first for a while, let people help you and be kind to yourself.

LetHimHaveIt · 26/03/2022 14:34

You might also tell him that performing oral sex on her isn't 'better' than shagging her, ffs. It's arguably more intimate.

I wasn't even that surprised to hear he's religious. Philanderers frequently are. The most prolific shagger I ever knew, was a godder. He met his fourth wife (she thought she was number two) at some kind of free church where they bonded over their love of bloody awful esoteric musical instruments, which no-one but them could play and no-one but them ever wanted to listen to. He was shagging everyone. EVERYONE.

Inertia · 26/03/2022 14:35

He needs to find somewhere to go.

In your shoes I’d have messaged OW and new husband and them they were welcome to yours, he’s told you everything and is no longer welcome in your home.

His hypocrisy is stunning- damn sure there is nothing in the bible to say that cheating on your future wife is forbidden if it’s full sex but God absolutely approves of oral sex and fumbles in the photocopier cupboard.

Blue4YOU · 26/03/2022 14:35

You poor woman. Stay angry!!!!
Imagine if you’d never mentioned your feelings at his reaction to her wedding ….
You’d have lived a “Sliding Doors” life.
You can be quite sure this “we are only friends” but I had sex (it’s only oral sex) and kissed and carried on as if we were an item before God intervened in the form of a wedding he probably couldn’t get out of (in his mind)… is more minimising.
If you do counselling you will hear the rest of it. The whole grubby lying affair that was waved in your face for 8 years

Maybe83 · 26/03/2022 14:38

Cut her out of your life immediately she is a piece of absolute shit as is he. I would text her and tell you know they have had an affair and to never ever contact you again.

Get counselling and start thinking about how your can get back to work.

I'm so sorry.

stripeyflowers · 26/03/2022 14:39

He says he felt 'bad about it' - but not bad enough to cut the relationship out.

And ''she was furious' - but not enough to remove herself.

Through all of their public role playing, all these years, they have this secret fizzing between them. They are disgusting OP - you sound lovely and far too good for the pair of them who sound like they deserve each other.

Appleblum · 26/03/2022 14:39

I am so sorry. I don't think I could live with this level of deceit. They have absolutely taken you for a fool. I don't think I would ever be able to forgive this.

Hugs.

Blue4YOU · 26/03/2022 14:39

Oh and I’d text her and say “he told me”. And say, so “what now? And she what she does

Buildingthefuture · 26/03/2022 14:40

Well fuck. If I’m honest, I had silently disagreed with pps, who said there must be more to it. It seems I was wrong. So what do you do now? Now, you sling his shit into the garden and tell him to GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. He has lied to you for years op, bloody years. He is a sanctimonious, lying shit head. And she is no friend of yours, she’s a lying traitorous bitch. No fucks given about whether he has somewhere to go or not. He is no longer a priority for you, as (very sadly) you haven’t been for him. He needs to go op, right fucking now. How fucking DARE HE send you that long shite of a message then fess up all this shit, which unfortunately, will only be the tip of the iceberg (oral sex my fucking eye!) I’m so pissed off for you op, it’s a massive shit sandwich. You must be utterly, utterly floored. But know this. You WILL rise again. This lying piece of shit will not define you. Sling his sad arse out, take some time to recover and then see what the rest of the world has to offer. You are, quite obviously, a loyal, honest and loving person. Rare qualities today. You will survive this and thrive xxxx

LetHimHaveIt · 26/03/2022 14:41

I for one simply do not believe that nothing has happened since 2016. I don't care how much detail he was prepared to go into about the pre-wedding cunnilingus, and his insistence that nothing has happened since. Nah. Bollocks.

stripeyflowers · 26/03/2022 14:42

Yes BUILDING THE FUTURE, aptly named, is right.

You WILL rise again.

Nothappyatwork · 26/03/2022 14:43

They gave fucked. 100% this is going to be death by 1000 cuts it will be drip drip drip drip drip drip drip for the next months. Save yourself hours of agony of needing to know the truth, you do not need to know, you need to kick his arse out

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 26/03/2022 14:43

You might also tell him that performing oral sex on her isn't 'better' than shagging her, ffs. It's arguably more intimate.

No way this wasn't at least reciprocated.

I think many people would have chucked his stuff on thr lawn and locked him out.

Malibuismysecrethome · 26/03/2022 14:43

I’m so sorry I hope you recover from this. For me that act is far more intimate than a quick shag. You must feel sick now that he has confessed (unburdened himself). Let him have her they deserve each other. Lying pair of c*nts.

Nothappyatwork · 26/03/2022 14:43

@Blue4YOU

Oh and I’d text her and say “he told me”. And say, so “what now? And she what she does
Definitely definitely do this
theleafandnotthetree · 26/03/2022 14:44

Oh OP, I am so sorry. I know I was not one of the people rushing to 'dump the bastard' but these latest revelations change everything. I cannot see how this is salavageable now but as always, you will have to figure out for yourself whether that is the case.

Buildingthefuture · 26/03/2022 14:44

Oh and I would message her too, and her DH. I would tell her that she’s a lying, horrid cunt and she can have him. But if she ever comes near you or your dc again, you won’t be responsible for your actions.

HellToTheNope · 26/03/2022 14:44

He can go to hers, surely? They are such good friends, after all.

Kick the narcissistic gaslighter the fuck out. Where he goes is not your concern.

IncompleteSenten · 26/03/2022 14:46

They only tell you the absolute minimum.
If he's now gone from nothing to oral sex, you can bet he's fucked her.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 26/03/2022 14:46

This is unlikely to help you right now but thank FUCK you have finally finally finally discovered who he is.

You can now start the rest of YOUR life

What an utter piece of shit he is

Madrenetterhere · 26/03/2022 14:47

Before your post about your husband admiting to have had physical relations I would of bet my house that he had but didn't see the point in writing this to you. Then I read your post about your husbands confession and now I want to say this:- there is much much more he has done behind your back. I would bet my house on it. You don't know the full truth nor do you need to....what he has done is enough to ruin your marriage and my advise is to end it now. Rarely would a situation like this improve....BTW even without his confession of kissing oral sex etc the marriage was ruined anyway by his behaviour. I think you facilitated it and kept your head in the sand. I hope finally you do the right thing for yourself and your young children. And by that I mean end your marriage with that pig of a husband. You actually deserve better but won't get it with him.