My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

I am so sorry to read the latest update. The manipulation of both of them, encouraging friendships and becoming more enmeshed in each others lives while they were both being dishonest about the extent of their relationship. Her bonding with your children by babysitting and getting her mother and stepfather to step in and do the same sits very uncomfortably with me.

Yeah, tell her you know

She can shit herself (on her honeymoon?) worrying whether you'll tell her husband

Oh you poor thing. He is dispicable. He was obviously lying to you on the the previous occasions you asked him about it. So you can add lying to his list of qualities, along with cheating and putting his 'friend' above his wife's feelings.

EVEN IF nothing physical has happened since you got married, why on earth did he have to stay in close tough with her, build his friendship wither her?? If he was so disgusted with what he did with her, wouldn't he have made sure he didn't see her again? But no - he became best friends. He must have known that something else could happen. HE STAYED THE NIGHT AT HER HOUSE. This woman who he'd previously cheated with. Hardly trying his best not to let it happen again was he?

If he had an ounce of decency a) it wouldn't have happened in the first place, b) he wouldn't have lied to you when asked, c) he would have distanced himself from her rather than cultivate a close friendship with her.

And as you know he's been happy to lie for years, and was happily lying only today, you can assume that he isn't telling you the full truth now. I'm sorry, it feels as though we're trying to stick the knife in further, but I'm so angry on your behalf. You deserve so much better.
I think he needs to try harder to find somewhere to go and stay. Maybe his best mate and her husband will have him?

I am so sorry OP. And how dare he decide which bits of cheating and lies are important for you to know. Get whatever support you can in real life and get him out. You at the very least deserve time to yourself to process all of this.

As someone who has been ‘the other person’ in this relationship, I can only say that the temptation was there but that we agreed if anything happened it would hurt too many people and change the relationship that we had so we said no. We stayed friends, went out for drinks regularly and honestly, for me, it was like finding the other side of the coin to me. We talked about things that our partners had no interest in, like sport and we’re just really good friends. We were both adults, recognised the feelings, admitted them, but took the right decision. It can be done. His wife felt very insecure about me but my husband had no issues with me, because in the end, it comes down to trust. I would never cheat on my husband and he knows that. There are different kinds of love. We never cheated. Never. And that makes the friendship more special.

Can you actually move past this OP? Even if he 100% commuted to you and you had an amazing few months or years, you moved away, your lives change.. even if all of those things happened would you ever feel completely settled?
I think that is always the answer to these threads.

Sending you so much love. This must be absolutely gut wrenching for you.

He should love you completely or let you go respectfully.

Makes his devastation at the wedding clear doesn't it? She chose the other bloke over him by getting back with him so your husband settled for you. Now she's marrying him which means hes even less chance.

They are a pair of bastards and I absolutely would tell her I know and to tell her husband or you will.

Oh OP I'm so sorry and I hope you are OK. You really must reach out to someone in RL if you possibly can, you need support. You can and will get over this, find support, earn money and manage without him but I understand you are in turmoil right now.

Agree with others there is no way this is the extent of it. There is a classic cheater's "script" that is very often followed, we're just friends, well OK I do have feelings for her, well OK we kissed/had sex but only once, etc. and on and on. You will never know and can never know if he's being honest and telling you the whole story, because you know he's already lied to you and can't be trusted.

You have nothing to be ashamed of at all, he has. There is nothing wrong with telling people. You cannot spend your life papering over cracks and pretending you have a happy family just so you don't have to admit to people you've got a cheater. You have all the power here, I know it doesn't feel like that now but you can and should kick him out, tell him to go and stay at hers or hey even her parents, make sure he can't drain family finances and get angry.

I’m new to mums net, and this is the first thread I am commenting on.

All I can say is I’m truly sorry for the revelations but I stick by what I’m about to say…

If they do it once, they’ll do it again! My previous relationship was proof of this.

Men are good at telling us what they think we want to hear!

I hope it works out for you in the end!

I’m sorry. Just read your update. You have good reason not to trust him. People do get over affairs. This is something you do need to work through with professional help. If he’s a good husband in all other ways then maybe there’s a chance for him. ButI don’t know. It depends how you want to play it, and this really is a decision for you.

Huge, huge hugs OP. Started reading your thread this morning and felt the replies saying to kick him out were harsh, I wouldn’t have kicked him out, but I would’ve said he needed to make a choice, between our marriage or this friendship and let him decide.

However, now, I really don’t know what I’d do well, I guess kick him out and file for divorce but sometimes the reality, especially when finances and kids are involved isn’t that easy.

He absolutely doesn’t deserve you and I hope however you move forward from this, you start validity yourself more as you’ve come across as such a lovely person in this. Oh and I absolutely would be messaging her saying I know she’s a lying, two faced bitch and not to ever come near me or my children ever again.

He really should go into a hotel or BnB for a few days to give you some space and I would be insisting he does this, I’d be booking it for him and handing him an overnight bag.

He’s still lying.

Well there it is - the real truth.
I am so sorry.
I would feel my whole life was a lie - it’s shocking to think he could lie for so long to you.
He had an emotional and physical affair for many many years, and that ‘kind’ woman was never your friend.
Do you believe they were not together during work trips? Because I don’t.
If tell everyone - family and friends - everyone should be aware of who and what he is.
He knowingly brought two little girls into this shot show, i could never forgive him.
The question now is are you going to be your mother or are to keep your promise to yourself?

I would ask her what happened op. I don’t quite understand why something would stop with oral sex.

Not in their scenario anyway.

See the unforgivable part is not the sex or even lying. It's the collusion between the pair of them to make you feel 'ok' about it and not trust your instincts. What they've done to your self esteem is not what loving friends or partners do.

Tell someone. Get some real friends round to support you. He needs to fuck off. Regardless of what happens next. He owes you space at least. Utter bastard.

I doubt he's even told you the whole truth now.

But now you know they've colluded in living a lie, and lied to you daily, for 9 years. They are both terrible people - as far as you're concerned of course he is worse, and don't be fooled into blaming her. He did this to you.

Sorry we are not people IRL OP - I hope you can confide in someone. But we are here for you. Many have been through same or similar and can give you a lot of practical help and advice. As another poster says it's not up to him to choose to stay in the house at the moment and I would absolutely follow their suggestion and book him into a B&B. It's the very least he ought to do.

I’ve just read your husband’s text.

It’s tactical.

Even if every word is true - which, technically, it might be - he is leveraging the ‘truth’ to keep you right where he wants you to be.

He’s weaponising transparency.

Right now, he has the best of both worlds. He can maintain (quite a delicious) relationship with this woman, with no disruption to his own life.

Wife, kids, home...with a ‘tendresse’ on the side.

But, oh - it’s not that! They’re just ‘friends’!

That he wants you and her to be friends is particularly revolting.

He is wrong-footing you in such a gentle way that you aren’t seeing this for what it is.

Stop feeling obliged to give him the benefit of the doubt. You have been more than fair.

This situation is not going to go away. Over the years, it will take its toll - on you.

You say that you still love him, and you don’t want to leave.

Please at least consider that, at present, you may be too close to the situation to be viewing it objectively.

I hope that, in time, you will at least consider that it might be what I suspect it is - a slow form of emotional abuse. Gaslighting writ large.

Trust yourself, OP. Trust your own judgment and your gut.

Oh Sazdun I'm so sorry.

The fact that he did this just before your wedding and then proceeded to entrench her more and more into your lives, is nothing short of absolutely disgusting, and proves he did not feel that bad. Someone that genuinely felt bad wouldn't have been able to stomach seeing her, let alone seek out more and more. Instead, he's still justifying the relationship, even down to this morning, when he clearly was not intending to admit this to you.

This is all so much worse than if he had just cheated, genuinely felt bad and admitted it. I really hope for your sake you do not forgive this revolting slimeball.

@madantonia you need to catch up, it's gone beyond that now

I read your post this morning and some of the posts that followed. I thought then their was far more to his and her story than he was telling you and even now I think theirs more to this tale.

You sound like a nice decent woman. You though you hit the jackpot with him and meanwhile he was doing all that behind your back with her.
At this stage he should move out of the house and stay away for a few days to let you have time to decide what to do next. I would gather up all your financial things including his pension information and ring a solicitor on Monday morning to make an appointment re a divorce.
I contact a close friend who would listen and who you know is discrete. Tell them all that gone on as you need some help and support now and see what they think as they know you both.
I know that ending a marriage is not easy but long term you could never trust him again.

Does /could anyone just stop at one way oral?
I would get sti tested op.
And if he has nowhere to go how is that your problem?

So sorry to hear this. I read your earlier posts but didn’t get chance to reply. It sounded dodgy to me and like you then l wouldn’t be happy. But your latest update is way worse than l thought it would be. I would be getting legal advice in your situation and gathering financial info. The “lm sorry” might wear off relatively soon.

He better make plans about where to go, as he can’t stay in his child’s bedroom forever . Unless he’s hoping to weasel his way back in

I also don't believe it ended with oral sex op. That would be abit strange imo. It's like he feels he's confessed to just enough that you feel justified to have had suspicions but not actually leave him. And even if that is 'all' that happened, you can bet he's thought about it a million times since then. Can you live with that?

He's making a fool of you. I'm so, so sorry.