My husband loves someone else as well as me

[Sazdun]

Bit of a long winded one but all my close friends are also friends of his or wives of his friends so have no one to turn to.
My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 15. We have two girls (5 years and 10 months) and life is pretty much perfect. Yet despite all this I have found out he is in love with someone else. I know he loves me too but having seen how he behaved last weekend I am now all over the place and feel shattered.
Back in 2013 a new girl joined his work and from the get go it was clear there was a mutal attraction there (I don't think anything aside from some slight flirting has ever occured) but she also moved very near to us and as a result my husband (fiance at the time) and her would share lifts, walk to work together etc and grew close. Since they both met she has also been with her partner too. This is why I don't believe anything has ever occurred between them.
Over the years my husband and her have been on work trips together, hung out together and we as a couple have socialised with her.
To be honest, current issue aside, I see what my husband likes about her, she is pretty and very kind. Over the years she has made a real effort to include me, give gifts to our kids, help us out but if I am honest deep down it has always left a bit of a nagging feeling that this is all just an attempt to seem great to my husband. I know this makes me sound paranoid but otherwise she would just be too bloody perfect.
In return my husband seems to make an effort in his friendship with her even though he is not an overtly sociable guy. They message each other fairly regularly despite working together and while the message are all above board (I've checked), he doesn't behave like this with any other women.
After a night out when people mistook her for his wife and his friends were teasing me about 'the other woman', we had an argument about her and candidly spoke to him about her. He said he doesn't know what it is about her but he likes her and cares for her and is someone he would like in his life. While that made me slightly uncomfortable and I don't really know what to make of that, at the same time I want my husband to have friends who he cares about who are a range of different people. It has meant Over the past three years I have stepped up to be a friend to her too, I thought that might guarantee there is less chance she might overstep the mark and do anything. As I have got to know her I can see she cares deeply for my husband but that she also values the friendship I have with her too. I also think she is quite lonely and insecure. Personally I think she can do better than the guy she is with and I can see why someone like my husband is the type of person in an ideal world she would be with however in this world he is my husband.
Anyway last weekend we were at her wedding and my husband's reaction to her freaked me out and brought everything that has been under the surface for the past 8 years to a head. As she walked down the aisle he couldn't take his eyes of her. He even said to me she looked stunning (he isn't the type of guy to normally talk about people like that) and at a point in the ceremony he looked about ready to cry (he didn't even look at me like that at our own wedding). Later at the reception when my husband and her danced together they looked perfect together and so happy to be dancing together. I honestly felt like I had been punched in the gut. We left not long after as I said I didn't feel well. When we got home the next day I spoke to him about how I felt and asked him if he loved her. He said that he ofcourse loved me but there was a part of him that did love her but he didn't know in what way and he has felt like that for years but would never do anything to hurt me and our girls. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said there was no point discussing that, however now I can't get it out my head. He has known her since before we got married, he could have broken it off with me and got with her if he wanted and I feel she would have been happy to go with him but now I feel like she will always be the perfect one who got away to him and I will never be able to view their relationship as an innocent friendship.
I don't know what to do. She has invited us round for dinner next weekend but I can't even face seeing her and I now feel like my husband doesn't truly love me or that our life is the one he truly wants and I feel heartbroken.
Any advice on what to do would be great.

Do you know what has really struck me about the message? The bit about her ‘stupid shoes’. He obviously doesn’t think they’re stupid, it seems like he is actually in awe of a beautiful woman in this beautiful high shoes and she ‘needed’ him to hold her up as they walked. I’m projecting probably but it sounds like he’s proud of walking with her at that moment. I cannot fathom why else he’d have mentioned it?

I think he is "being honest" with you so that gives him some kind of "get out clause" .Problem is a marriage is for 2 people not 3 .Every time he talks to her ,turns to her for advice ,goes for walks, are times he should be talking to you! The essence of your RL is being diluted by a third party. Im surprised her DH is on board with it.The point is you are being sidelined here. He needs to put you and his marriage first .I would suggest Counselling and for him to leave his job .He needs distance ,and seeing her all the time is stopping him from moving away from her and giving you 100% which is all anyone expects from their RL. I think you are in a difficult place .And he is being unfair to you to expect to have his marriage and DC, and something on the side as they say.All his message is saying is "look at me ,poor me misunderstood!" What about you is the question here.You are his wife ,he made vows to you .You are DM of his DC ,Will he really be "so happy" if he did split with u to be with her.Its just not on

Op I'm sorry I just couldn't live with this, it's just not OK.

Never forget a work friend in my twenties came to my party and saw one of my sisters friends who to be fair is stunning intelligent etc. they looked amazing together and hit it off. My friend left the party early shaking his head and said to me “maybe in another life” with a rueful smile and went back to his very nice long term girlfriend. That’s what your Dh should have done 9 years ago.

I think this article has been shared before

www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/

It basically summarises a study that found whereas women have no issues being platonic friends with men, it is men who are hard wired to see women friends as potential romantic partners, rather than friends. Explains why a man is always ‘just good friends’ with a pretty, younger woman rather than old Ada in accounts!
Seriously, in my experience every close male friend I have ever had has come on to me at some point. I am very average looking too. They were obviously friends with me only because they were in some way attracted to me.

So OP very sorry but he is 100% is not with the OW only because she has rejected him. He must agree of his own free will to end the friendship and change jobs if your marriage has a chance to survive.

But see a solicitor and know your financial rights before having that conversation.

@TwtrT

Oh isn't it easy to fall in love with someone who's never farted you awake.

I'd leave him, he's been an absolute drip and had an emotional affair. He's fantasised about her because he's never lived with the reality. Nobody is perfect, but he's kidding himself that she is.

This absolutely. How on earth can you expect you to merrily carry on now this has come out? It sounds like he as a narrative in his head of the star crossed lovers who, cannot be together and are oh so nobly sacrificing themselves to the commitments made to their own partners.

I suppose I will get flamed but I am not a cool wife - I would have to say I cannot go on with her playing a part in our lives. It's not a choice as such, I just couldn't live like that.

i dont think you have anything to worry about! and you and your husband sound like a very strong couple. You sound very open-minded and thoughtful about the people involved. I think that your husband considers her a friend in a way that would not move to a relationship now - It sounds like the potential for that has past psycologically and he obviously loves you.

*Is it though? At least he is being honest .

I think you can love two people at once . And probably genuinely he does feel split in two . Emotions are hard to just switch off .

Now she is married and hopefully happy the feelings may fade*

Yes, it is. If you enter a monogamous marriage you should not be crying in front of your spouse about your feelings for another woman. That is obviously awful behaviour.

Love and feelings may not be black and white but if you go to the lengths this guy has to bring someone deeper into your life you are developing feelings for then you have behaved very poorly indeed.

The worst thing is that others are probably aware of your dh’s feelings for this woman. He is making a fool of himself and disrespecting you at the same time.
I could never get past this
He is a very cruel man to behave like this and to expect you to put up with this shit
Tell him that you need him to leave so that you can decide if YOU are fine with being in a relationship with a man who is having an emotional ( possibly physical) affair with another woman in plain sight. Unforgivable

"We first met I probably I was curious about what it would like with her."

"Am I attracted to her. I suppose there have been times I have been"

"I probably have flirted with her more than I should have"

"Would I have been with her if I could? Had we both been single when we met then yes we probably would have got together"

"Yes there have been some hugs"

"When you and I have had arguments or rough patches, she has always been on your side"

"seeing her get married made me feel things I didn't expect to feel"

Ignore the rest of the waffle. He is telling you with his own words that he has imagined being with her, he's attracted to her, he has flirted with her, they have hugged, he tells her about your marital problems, if you weren't around they would be together, and it has messed him up that she got married to someone else.

For some reason he seems to think that the fact that they chose not to sleep together (so far) means anything. They are not just friends. It is an affair.

I have the life she wants yet her behaviour isn't trying to oust me.

No, her behaviour either sounds like someone who feels guilty but not guilty enough to take herself out the picture even thought she is 100% aware of his feeling for her or, more likely, she gets to enjoy your children and husband and being in the family dynamic event though they're not her children and not her husband. It sounds like her life would be poorer without that so why wouldn't she not to everything to preserve it?

If she was truly being decent about the whole thing she would have removed herself by now.

Having read the text, your husband sounds very self-absorbed and dramatic. I would be more angry after that outpouring.

Maybe you need a few days or so apart from him to clear your head about what you want to do?

he would be with her if he could its that simple

His text with its cringey explanations and mental gymnastics reminds me of the Prince Andrew interview.

@Sazdun
It's clear what I and the majority of posters think.

It is your marriage, however. Putting up with things like this isn't done as much anymore when there's no longer shame in being divorced but I'm certain there are still people who do.

Personally, I think the only way you can work through it together is through complete transparency, an ending of all contact with her and you both need to be firmly on the same page.

However. You love him. And I get that that might make it feel more complicated for you. You are free to choose, of course, without judgement from others, to ignore it or to work on your marriage.

What no one here wants to see you do is sell yourself short, because you deserve better.

Sometimes it feels much easier to go with the devil you know than embark on a potentially new life and disrupt your safe world in favour of change when the future feels like a blank page. We all do this at times, in different situations. It's ok.

One thing though: if your marriage doesn't survive this, if you or he choose to end it, it doesn't mean that you've failed.

I understand your fear of your marriage breaking up after your mums history, but there's only so much we can do to keep a relationship happy. And marriage isn't the most important aspect of your life.

This is your life, and your choice and I'm sure you'll weigh things up carefully before you make any decisions.

Here is the update I never thought I would write.
When he came back i told him we needed to talk tonight and we were going to counselling. He had brought me back my favourite coffee and brownie and just as I am telling him about the activities our friends did before counselling he just started to pace and shake his head. He told me he would do counselling but being a total masochist I told him before we embark on counselling it all has to be on the table. My friend has sent me some of the initial stuff her and her H were asked to do before they started and one if the activities was no lies and no unspoken words. He was adamant at first he told me everything and then he asked me did I want to know everything everything or what was relevant now.
It turns out when they first met she did not know he was with someone let alone engaged. She was off with her now current H and the two of them kissed. They apparently kissed two more times at work in 13 and 14 and once at a work night out and sexted on a few occassions and he gave her oral sex, 3 weeks before our wedding. Apparently it went no further that night as he suddenly felt bad about oh I don't know our impending fucking nuptials. He even said it was only then he told her we were engaged and living together and she was furious. So while she knew I was around it seems he played down our relationship on purpose to see where her and him would go. I also cannot believe in the midst of this he is still trying to make her look good to me by saying she didn't know the extent of us being together. Anyway she got back together with the now H and apparently since we made a vow in front of God and our friends and family he and her have done nothing but be friends since. He is religious so actually the making a vow to God would have actually meant something to him but frankly that is nothing to me now. Things apparently cooled off between them after we got married and they calmed contact just seeing each other at work on her behest. I know we turned down quite a few invitations to things she was at including things at hers and he stopped going out on work things as much at that time, however from 2016 things picked back up as they were part of the same team and had an 18month contract to work on. He just wanted her in his life as friend nothing more. He says that since we got married they have only been platonic friends but what the fuck do I do now? He has been on 5 work trips with her since then and he stayed over at hers the night she found out her dad and brother had been killed because her boyfriend was out of town and he didn't want to leave her alone (fyi I was pregnant at that stage) but he swears on all those occasions they never did anything and based on how in depth he was about those earlier dalliance I believe him but none of that matters he was unfaithful and he brought her in to our lives and she actively made an effort to be my friend knowing she did this with my husband when we were engaged.The horrible thing is that during that time we have conceived our daughters and i have been pregnant and given birth to them. What the hell is wrong with her? After he spent the night and then drove her 300 miles to the hospital her dad and brother were at she bought us a mini break to say thank you for being such good friends. There have been countless gifts too when we have helped her during her cancer surgeries. It feels like they have noth rewritten history and blocked that bit out because it doesn't suit their narrative anymore.
He swears the earlier stuff before our marriage was a terrible mistake and he would never do that again. He felt there was no need to hurt with that info because it was in the past and not relevant to the current situation as now the issue is just how he feels about her as a friend. It just seems seeing her get married has opened something up.

Ican't believe it. told him to leave but he has just moved his stuff into our daughter's room as he has nowhere to go. I can't begin to admit this to my friends, my family. I can't believe I am reaching out to total strangers and my life has been blown apart in a morning. I have known him since I was 22 and never ever thought he could be this person.
I can't afford to go because although I am the bigger earner I toom a year career break to raise my daughters. I am broken.

Also I know that is a very long post but I am literally typing as I process. Short version my husband of 8 years and my apparent friend are lying POS

I am so, so sorry @Sazdun

Short version my husband of 8 years and my apparent friend are lying POS

And there's your anger. Good. We're here for you as process and in deciding your next steps.

But I hope you're giving him hell.

Terrible news, if not wholly unexpected. I am very, very sorry, though. What a fucking arsehole.

What a lot to unpack in one day.

OP I am so very sorry. It shows your niggling instincts as the start were right, about her being too goody two shoes. He doesn't seem to realise that saying nothing happened, as in terms of sexual intimacy doesn't actually mean anything. Something did happen as you say - he put her needs before his own pregnant wife. That's a big something.

I can only say what I would do and I would really need him to be out of the house so I can think straight. Being in another bedroom just wouldn't be enough. Surely he can go into a B&B for a few nights? It would be the most respectful thing for him to do at this point so that you can start to process the mess caused by this bomb he has dropped on your lives.

I apologise for my post earlier. You were right to feel insecure. He does not deserve you. I hope you get through this as painlessly as possible.

What a lying piece of shit bastard wanker. Get him out of your house. See a solicitor and let everyone know. That's what I would do.

3 weeks before your wedding. What an absolute creep. Yuck.