Dh too incompetent to leave him

[Imanidiotiknow]

I’m trapped. My Dh is too stupid to look after the kids on his own, so I can’t leave him and risk them being cared for him eow for instance. I’m just absolutely furious with him.

They’re 3 and 2. Today was a longer day at work than usual for me. I usually work 5 hour shifts and then scoop up the kids when I’m done. Today, however, I had to work 8.5 hours- he clearly didn’t anticipate me having a lunch break. Came down to find ds had snot dried across both cheeks. He’s got a terrible cold and his nose is streaming. Dh mustn’t have wiped it once. I had to use warm water to try and soften it before it came off.
Dd had no bobble in her hair and was walking round lifting up the front section so she could see. He’d given ds calpol but didn’t bother to check if he still actually had a temp. Ds had poo’d in his nappy and just been left.
I was completely disgusted at this point. He apologised and tried to brush it off as all happening in the 5 mins before I came down.
Finished at 4.30 and came down to find them still in pjs. I just despair. The batteries and back of the thermometer were missing, Dh said ds was playing with it. Thankfully they’re just AA batteries but still. What the fuck is he doing.

I realise this is completely inadequate but I feel like I need to tread carefully. If I push him out he will absolutely want to see the dc wherever he goes but I can’t allow it happen. He’s not neglecting them to the extent I think ss would deny unsupervised visits but it’s more than enough for me to not want them out my sight.

Also there was no evidence he’d be such a failure before we had kids. I just don’t know what to do. Incredibly he has a very respectable job, which in paper vs me and my mh issues ( nothing bad but diagnosed anxiety- mainly due to this) means I think he would be given access even if I refused,

Mainly just venting. Agh

Oh that’s so hard and totally crap. It is entirely possible it’s deliberate incompetence- but the battery think goes into the territory of a genuine safety risk. Are his parents involved? Ie obviously it’s a RIDICULOUS thing to have to do - but you can his parents (and yes I know it would almost certainly be his mother…) be involved whenever he looks after them??

Have you had a serious chat with him about why he is like this?

Did you find the batteries? I’m not sure why them only being AA’s is a good thing?

For starters, get back to your doctor to discuss your anxiety and make sure you talk about what your husband is doing and at you are so anxious. Get it down on your record that your anxiety is caused by his neglecting the children.

I don’t know what to say. I’m so angry at the way he has parented them today. He’s skulked off to bed and I’m downstairs.

I had a pop at him wand said what on earth was he doing and he couldn’t answer. Just responds with some crap about how I’m making him feel bad. Well, yes, that is the point.

He’s got form for not spotting dangers. In our local shopping centre last week he was about 10m ahead with dd who’d ran to the escalator. She was in front of him and had her hands on the step in front going up, he didn’t get her to stand up or lift her as it went over the bit where the step meets the grill. My heart was pounding, like if she had lowered her head her hair would’ve been caught. He honestly terrifies me having any kind of responsibility over them.

I just don’t know what to do. The relationship is dead, he’s not a partner but a liability. But I still can’t leave. I just fantasise about him riding off into the sunset.

No haven’t found the batteries yet. I meant good as opposed to button batteries, surely ds would’ve choked swallowing an AA battery?

You would not want your children as adults to be in such a relationship so why should you remain within it?. Do not further teach your own kids that a loveless or others dead relationship could be their norm too.

At the very least I would urge you to seek legal advice re all aspects of divorce. Let him ride off into the sunset if he wants, at least he won’t be able to be strategically incompetent around you all then. Do you really think that he would be at all bothered about his kids post separation given how he is with them now?. He does not behave this incompetently at work because if he did he would be out of a job.

Well yes he probably wouldn’t have swallowed one easily but I’d still be unnerved by missing batteries!

Urgh this is so sad to read - I sympathise fully! My partner who has been super capable all his life in a responsible job suddenly becomes a huge liability when it comes to childcare. It does worry me that if we split up he would have unsupervised contact. I don’t know what to say to make you feel any better :( if you find a solution let me know!

Playing with batteries is bad
But the rest is not awful, maybe not to your standards but not awful

Christ look for the bloody batteries NOW! Yes it's unlikely he's swallowed them but it is possible. And to be blunt if he has he needs urgent medical treatment immediately - you're literally risking his life. If you can't find them your dh needs to get him A&E.

Separately, in a couple of years those sorts of things they'll be able to sort for themselves, and staying in grubby pyjamas won't kill them.

@Theredjellybean

Playing with batteries is bad But the rest is not awful, maybe not to your standards but not awful

Being left in a shitty nappy? Dried snot all over their face? In pyjamas at 430pm? Is that generally ok by anyones standards??

Batteries and the poo thing are not acceptable but I wouldn’t worry about the others, no ideal (except if one already had a worryingly high temp). Has he had much opportunity to parent them by himself?

I suggest you take DS to a and e and explain about the lost batteries and how it occurred so there is a record of this incident. Start logging stuff with gp too as pp suggested. Then kick him out.

@WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe button batteries are lethal if swallowed & not retrieved extremely quickly. There have been a number of cases of children dying of them. Cylindrical batteries don't pose the same risk, although obviously there is a choking risk as with any swallowed object.

He sounds insufferable.

I agree though that if you can't find those batteries you need to go to a&e. You just cannot take the risk!

OP it's not the choking it's that if they leak inside your child it could be fatal. I would honestly go to A&E if you can't find them in 5 minutes!

The likelihood of a toddler swallowing aa batteries is vanishingly tiny.
Op you have all my sympathy, this sounds awful.
You need to sit him down when you are calm and really talk about this. You need to find what goes on for him when he is supposed to be Parenting. He won’t be able to articulate it if you are angry so you will have to swallow it. If he can tell you what goes on then he has a chance of facing up to it and changing. If he just polarises with your ( perfectly valid) anger, he won’t own it and won’t change. It will all be about blame which never facilitates change.

Is he intentionally neglecting them?

Batteries and back cover of the thermometer have been found. They were behind the tv unit. I wasn’t overly concerned as ds isn’t one to put things in his mouth but agree it’s completely unacceptable in the first place that he had clocked him playing with them and didn’t immediately remove them.

That’s the type of opinion that terrifies me, it’s bad but not bad enough. Until he really fucks up and then it’s too late.

I agree, it would break my heart if either of them felt like I do. However I love my kids more than life itself, so I’ll do what’s best for them even if it’s not for me.

I think waiting another 5/6 years is the only real option, until they’re old enough to be able to do simple self care tasks and spot dangers better.

Glad you've found the batteries.

If you're really determined to stay until the kids are older - which sounds like a prison sentence TBH - then spend the time improving your own situation to the absolute maximum, so you are in as good a position as possible so you can leave with as little hassle as you can.

This reminds me of a thread about 10 years ago. The mum couldnt leave because the DC's were unsafe with dad (he left them alone with power tools/ chainsaws etc!!)

It is almost impossible to legally prohibit contact post split if the dad wants it. Even convicted child sex offenders get contact albeit supervised. Violent offenders as routine will get unsupervised contact.

So if you don't think they are safe with him you can't leave unless you get completely disappear so he can't find you (ie cross jurisdiction).

But this sounds more like a passive aggressive male pattern behaviour where he sees childcare as women's work/ wife work/ your job so will deliberately do it badly so you stop expecting him to do it. He (like lots of men) just wants to be a Disney dad cherry picking the fun bit of parenting. Not the dealing with nappies/ sick kids part. It's misogyny. But it's rife.

I dont know what to suggest. Find him a new partner who hates kids and doesnt want step kids around!?!

I think the batteries are just under a sofa somewhere and the hysterics aren’t helping anyone, especially the OP who said she has anxiety already…
OP he’s a grown man who can hold down a job, there’s no reason for him to be this shit. He’s doing it because he thinks you’ll save him, and I bet you do, all the time. Start letting him suffer the consequences of his own actions for a bit, he has to clean the snot, he has to change the nappy, he has to find the batteries, he has to explain the nappy rash to the doctor. He’s an adult just like you so he has to learn.
“You’re making me feel bad” “don’t be shit, then you won’t feel bad”. Calm and rational only, call the shots as you see them.
Then divorce him :)

He says he’s not doing it deliberately, and the rabbit in headlights look as I came down at lunch would support that.

But, that’s the thing with neglect. He’s not being actively harmful, but his lack of action is enough to cause harm if that makes sense. I felt so bad for ds trying to get the snot of his little cheeks, it was literally like glue to his skin.

It makes me hate going to work. I think he just sits on his phone tbh. There’s very little noise when he’s watching them, when family come round I can head just general chatting and voices. But there’s very little noise when it’s just him. When I come down dd doesn’t stop talking and ds uses what sounds he has to try and chat. I think they know he won’t play so take turns on the iPad or watch to all day. I feel so guilty but financially have no choice,