Dh too incompetent to leave him

[Imanidiotiknow]

I’m trapped. My Dh is too stupid to look after the kids on his own, so I can’t leave him and risk them being cared for him eow for instance. I’m just absolutely furious with him.

They’re 3 and 2. Today was a longer day at work than usual for me. I usually work 5 hour shifts and then scoop up the kids when I’m done. Today, however, I had to work 8.5 hours- he clearly didn’t anticipate me having a lunch break. Came down to find ds had snot dried across both cheeks. He’s got a terrible cold and his nose is streaming. Dh mustn’t have wiped it once. I had to use warm water to try and soften it before it came off.
Dd had no bobble in her hair and was walking round lifting up the front section so she could see. He’d given ds calpol but didn’t bother to check if he still actually had a temp. Ds had poo’d in his nappy and just been left.
I was completely disgusted at this point. He apologised and tried to brush it off as all happening in the 5 mins before I came down.
Finished at 4.30 and came down to find them still in pjs. I just despair. The batteries and back of the thermometer were missing, Dh said ds was playing with it. Thankfully they’re just AA batteries but still. What the fuck is he doing.

I realise this is completely inadequate but I feel like I need to tread carefully. If I push him out he will absolutely want to see the dc wherever he goes but I can’t allow it happen. He’s not neglecting them to the extent I think ss would deny unsupervised visits but it’s more than enough for me to not want them out my sight.

Also there was no evidence he’d be such a failure before we had kids. I just don’t know what to do. Incredibly he has a very respectable job, which in paper vs me and my mh issues ( nothing bad but diagnosed anxiety- mainly due to this) means I think he would be given access even if I refused,

Mainly just venting. Agh

OP, you have my sympathy. The people who say oh this is not so bad. I am guessing you've given 5-6 examples that you could think of but there's a lot more and he just is this way, every day, every week, every month there's something. It's no way to live. I fear my DH is going this way, maybe not to that extent, but he's blase and not thinking ahead about DS's needs or safety at times, even despite me flagging up the issues for him over and over again. I really don't know what the answer to this is. I'm planning to leave him too, not over this, but it is a problem. Are there any parenting courses that might get them to be more tuned in? I really don't know, but sending you a virtual hug xx

Do you even think he’d want to have contact with the DC? I think it’s unlikely. You’re ultimately a single parent and I say it as a single parent. What a prick

@Imanidiotiknow

Batteries and back cover of the thermometer have been found. They were behind the tv unit. I wasn’t overly concerned as ds isn’t one to put things in his mouth but agree it’s completely unacceptable in the first place that he had clocked him playing with them and didn’t immediately remove them.

That’s the type of opinion that terrifies me, it’s bad but not bad enough. Until he really fucks up and then it’s too late.

I agree, it would break my heart if either of them felt like I do. However I love my kids more than life itself, so I’ll do what’s best for them even if it’s not for me.

I think waiting another 5/6 years is the only real option, until they’re old enough to be able to do simple self care tasks and spot dangers better.

Not today, but when you have some headspace…..

Consider that this is their model for what a family should look like. You are setting their expectations for what a father is, by allowing this to be the example they live in. You might not be able to change the fathering. But you can not condone it by withdrawing from the relationship. Absence is a better example better than poor presence.

Also I think the only way is for you to split custody in a way he has them less than you do to minimise the risk. You need to see a solicitor to discuss your exact position and the possible financial scenarios upon divorce. I really think there's usually a way. It will be tough but can you live like this for another 15, 20, 40 years? xx

OP I completely empathise. My ex is exactly like this and it breaks my heart having to hand my DD over to him. He puts her shoes on the wrong feet, “forgets” to give her a drink all day. Takes her out with her sitting in the shopping basket bit of the buggy because he can’t be arsed to put the seat attachment on. The list on and we argue about it constantly. It verges on neglect, and I hate him for it.

You have my sympathy. I avoided leaving my incompetent H while the kids were very small because I knew he couldn't look after them. He used his ASD as an excuse to neglect them by just being hyper focused on gaming, phone, work or else being asleep. I suspect it's not all ASD related, more so that he just can't be bothered as doesn't see parenting as his thing - I think he felt it's my job to sort house and kids. I knew when my youngest was 6 months old we were done, he was so useless as a father and partner. I rode it out til youngest was 5 and eldest 7 when lockdowns finished us off, now finally he's gone. He has them most weekends and they tell me he mostly just sleeps while they go on their Switch games or watch tv. It's annoying but thankfully not the same level of safety concerns as when they were toddlers. I anticipated having to wait til my youngest was more like 7/8 but actually she's fine now, so perhaps you won't have to wait as long as you think. If you aren't seeing anyone already, consider individual therapy to have a safe space as it's like leading a double life, knowing what you know but having to suck it up for the welfare of your children, and of course get legal advice to help you prepare.

Thank you @PurplePansy05 you’re correct. I’ve started keeping a log on my phone each time something happens, it’s getting longer!

If I was a sahm it wouldn’t be an issue because I could shelter them. Being at work just worries me now. He also lies to try and cover his incompetence. Eg. One day I heard a thud from upstairs, then screaming. Ran downstairs and Dh said ds had fell over and hit the fire truck he was stood next to. Nope, what actually happened was ds had stood on the fire truck, which had wheels, truck moved and ds whacked his head off the floor. It took so much clarifying and prodding to get to the actual truth so I could take the appropriate action to make sure he was ok and not concussed.

Image is everything to him, which is why I’m positive he would want them. He couldn’t possibly be a deadbeat dad, but a moronic one is fine.

@WoodyBrambles yes to the dressing issues. He puts socks on upside down, clothes that are dirty. Yes to the lack of drinks and just general care. How do they not care? These are their children. You’re situation is my worst nightmare, I don’t know how you do it

Thank you @AspergersWife your post rings true. I definitely need therapy after this!

Don’t give him another 5-6 years to further show incompetent behaviour towards you and in turn your kids. They won’t thank you either for doing that to them.

He does not behave like this to his work colleagues. He sees the childcare as your job, these types do stuff so badly in order not to do it again.

TBH I wouldn't stay but I get why you would

Is the relationship dead completely, as in if overnight he suddenly became the perfect dad would that change your mind?

Is he being incompetent because he knows you will sort it out, you say he didn't know about the lunch break did he really not? 3 hours going mmhaa to 2 kids, knowing that sooner or later someone is going to sort it out is an easy deal.

If you told him, you were done and the only reason you haven't left is he is so shit, would he get his arse in gear? Even if it is just to monitor his children?

Image is everything to him, which is why I’m positive he would want them. He couldn’t possibly be a deadbeat dad, but a moronic one is fine.

This if you started calling him out on his shitness everytime infront of people, would he up his game then?

For the batteries, I would have called an ambulance and made him explain to the paramedics that his children might have swallowed batteries due to his negligence. You need to make him face the consequences of his incompetence... if they are hurt or injured (I.e. potential concussion), take them to doctor/hospital as appropriate and be very clear about the cause of their injuries, e.g. dad not giving basic care/supervising properly. Don't cover up for him at all or try to sugar-coat things. Call him out every time he gives them inadequate care.

@Imanidiotiknow It's interesting you say you suffer from anxiety - I do too and it's gone worse since the arrival of my DC for different reasons, but one of the key reasons is how my DH's overall blasee attitude, not willing to step up, take responsibility, not having the initiative or willingness to start or finish tasks (or do them properly), all of this spirals it. I wonder what he's like outside the context of children, generally in life? And has he been like this pre-kids? If so, I think you have one conclusion, leave. Line up all your ducks in a row over the next year or two. Prep financially as much as you can. Then go. And fight for as much custody as possible.

Do not let his behaviour make you think that you shouldn't work and that it would be better off if you were a Sahm. No. It would be better if you had an actual adult as a husband who is your partner, not a bloody passive aggressive man child. You're overwhelmed with what's expected of you for a reason - it's way too much. It's not right. Of course it's causing your anxiety.

The man is literally making you ill. Your children will see it and remember it, pretty soon. Looking after them also includes looking after yourself so that you can be a mum you truly deserve to be, without the unnecessary burden of getting shit treatment from your DH.

I am getting counselling privately btw, and it's helping me see things with greater clarity. Get a referral now or go privately if you can, Zoom sessions can be cheaper and easier to fit in around young children. xx

I also agree about calling him out publicly, make him take responsibility for his shitty attitude in front of others, maybe if he feels they judge him it will make him think twice as obviously he isn't respecting your valid concerns at all. xx

If I was a sahm it wouldn’t be an issue because I could shelter them.

Hmmm it sounds like you have a bit of anxiety and are too much the other way.

When I read about the batteries it made me feel sick with worry but the other examples aren’t really that of a negligent parent - snotty face, a pj day, socks on backwards, falling over etc are all normal things.

I think you need to focus on the things that are damaging to them, not things like putting the socks on wrong - write these damaging things down and keep track of how often they happen.
Then when you leave you have a log of your concerns.

What hours does he work?
How often are they left alone with him?

God the escalator one is terrifying!

An occasional day spent in pjs all day, not bothering to brush their hair or wipe noses, ignoring them while watching TV might be acceptable, but when it's every day it's not.

If image is everything to him, I'd start telling people what he's like. Maybe people he respects the opinion of like his family members or professionals like nursery or the HV - but do it in the guise of asking advice (with him there) "DH finds it hard to remember to feed the children/give them drinks, do you have any advice for him, how do you remember".
Make an appointment for both of you with the HV or nursery and ask them "DH has trouble avoiding accidents/risk assessing and the children got hurt in xyz way - is there any kind of parenting course he can do that will help?".

Oh and as pp said, get stuff logged with your GP, kids GP etc. I was lucky in the fact that H fully admitted he was crap and wouldn't cope with 50/50 custody, and as a result was more than happy to pay me a higher amount than the CMS calculations in order for him not to have the kids more than EOW. Sad but true. If yours is an arse or deluded about his parenting capabilities, he might well try for 50/50 to preserve that perfect image you've mentioned or to reduce any CMS payment, and then you might be glad of evidence as to why 50/50 is not appropriate.

I found therapy helpful as it's a very isolating thing to be planning secretly and if you struggle with anxiety it may trigger further issues for you as you prepare. Do you have people around you who can help? I could confide in a friend and my mum and had all my important papers, passports and some cash hidden at my mums just in case.

For the batteries, I would have called an ambulance and made him explain to the paramedics that his children might have swallowed batteries due to his negligence. You need to make him face the consequences of his incompetence... if they are hurt or injured (I.e. potential concussion), take them to doctor/hospital as appropriate and be very clear about the cause of their injuries, e.g. dad not giving basic care/supervising properly. Don't cover up for him at all or try to sugar-coat things. Call him out every time he gives them inadequate care.

As a paramedic, I'd point out that ambulances are for emergencies identified by the presence of symptoms, not for nebulous worst-case scenarios or petty point-scoring. Paramedics are trained health care professionals, not referees of domestic disputes.
If the child had symptoms then by all means an ambulance is appropriate, but in this case, or cases where the family has access to transport, there is absolutely no indication for the use of an ambulance.

The snot and the hair bubble. You are just exaggerating.

Jobseeker that's not even coherent. What is your point?

Your adult husband will staty like this all the time you pick up after him. Leave him to it, don’t interfere. If I knew someone would take over all the time I’d not be arsed to anything either

But this sounds more like a passive aggressive male pattern behaviour where he sees childcare as women's work/ wife work/ your job so will deliberately do it badly so you stop expecting him to do it. He (like lots of men) just wants to be a Disney dad cherry picking the fun bit of parenting. Not the dealing with nappies/ sick kids part. It's misogyny. But it's rife.
I agree with this.

He says he’s not doing it deliberately, and the rabbit in headlights look as I came down at lunch would support that.
I disagree with this. He wouldnt look guilty if he didnt know he was being shit.

I do have an anxiety diagnosis but I don’t feel it influences the care standards I have for them.
It wasn’t just a snotty nose like where you see a little kid with a blob of snot hanging out their nose- this was ds wiping his snot with his sleeve across his cheeks and it solidifying. He cried as I was trying to wipe it off, it had dried like wax on his skin. It’s just unnecessary- he should’ve wiped it every 5/10 mins or whatever is needed.

The clothing isn’t necessarily neglectful and if they were having an actual pj day that would’ve been lovely, but what it actually was, was dh not being arsed to get them into day time, clean clothes after eating breakfast and lunch in those, and the general mess toddlers make showing all over them.

He works full time I’m part time so thankfully not too much.

He’s different in public, literal Disney dad. Totally engages with them if there’s the chance someone nearby will comment what a good dad he is.

Thank you for the supportive comments, it’s nice to know I’m not alone, and I really mean that. There’s no one I can talk to about this to without alerting dh to it so it’s nice to vent

Image is everything to him, which is why I’m positive he would want them. He couldn’t possibly be a deadbeat dad, but a moronic one is fine.

More than likely he will just do what many other dads do, tell everyone their kids are their life, tell everyone they spend as much time with their kids as possible, tell everyone they'd love to have their kids full time if they could.......while barely seeing them and only taking them very occasionally!

And I’m not the type of parent who is bothered about them getting mucky, I’m all for jumping in puddles and playing in the sand or whatever, but then we get clean and dry after. But there’s a line where it just becomes neglectful like the way he left them. Dd had had cereal for breakfast and had dried milk down her front. It takes 10 seconds to put a clean top on

I like the parenting classes idea.

I was thinking of sitting down calmly and going through the list of near misses and general shit parenting with him - but recording it so I have evidence of him acknowledging it to be true. His job means he is very likely to be believed if he denied it down the line.

I do like our hv, I’d just be scared to be tarred by association.

He won’t take at all kindly to you sitting down with him going through all his parenting fails. He will further shut you down if you do that, he really does think he is Mr Perfect Dad.

He certainly is not this bloody incompetent at work. Only to you people.