Dh too incompetent to leave him

[Imanidiotiknow]

I’m trapped. My Dh is too stupid to look after the kids on his own, so I can’t leave him and risk them being cared for him eow for instance. I’m just absolutely furious with him.

They’re 3 and 2. Today was a longer day at work than usual for me. I usually work 5 hour shifts and then scoop up the kids when I’m done. Today, however, I had to work 8.5 hours- he clearly didn’t anticipate me having a lunch break. Came down to find ds had snot dried across both cheeks. He’s got a terrible cold and his nose is streaming. Dh mustn’t have wiped it once. I had to use warm water to try and soften it before it came off.
Dd had no bobble in her hair and was walking round lifting up the front section so she could see. He’d given ds calpol but didn’t bother to check if he still actually had a temp. Ds had poo’d in his nappy and just been left.
I was completely disgusted at this point. He apologised and tried to brush it off as all happening in the 5 mins before I came down.
Finished at 4.30 and came down to find them still in pjs. I just despair. The batteries and back of the thermometer were missing, Dh said ds was playing with it. Thankfully they’re just AA batteries but still. What the fuck is he doing.

I realise this is completely inadequate but I feel like I need to tread carefully. If I push him out he will absolutely want to see the dc wherever he goes but I can’t allow it happen. He’s not neglecting them to the extent I think ss would deny unsupervised visits but it’s more than enough for me to not want them out my sight.

Also there was no evidence he’d be such a failure before we had kids. I just don’t know what to do. Incredibly he has a very respectable job, which in paper vs me and my mh issues ( nothing bad but diagnosed anxiety- mainly due to this) means I think he would be given access even if I refused,

Mainly just venting. Agh

This is exactly my point though. How can I? If I leave, he has access. If I stay I can try my best to mitigate the risks. That's the lesser of two evils at the age they are now.

Some of that list is really worrying. You don’t leave fingertip bruises with normal holds, even of a wriggling toddler. Fingertip bruises are caused by concerted pressure. You might cause them accidentally if you grabbed a child as it ran into the road, but not with a nappy change. And that friction burn is huge for a small child (are you sure it was a friction burn, BTW? - deliberate scalding is a common form of abuse). Your kids are experiencing physical abuse, as well as neglect from your DH.

Op am really sorry. This sort of thing wears one down.

Do you know if he's got ADHD? This pattern of behaviour fits unmanaged symptoms.

Forget the fact he's got a respectable job. Work is structured so he can perform but parenting and being a partner? He's completely lost.
For your peace of mind for the next years you're willing to stay read up abou adhd partners and adhd parenting so you get to deal with him without losing your mind.

It is the most frustrating,nail-biting , anxiety inducing, hopeless feeling not to talk about the perpetual state of hyper vigilance you're in because you have to be the only responsible adult when living with someone who's adhd is UNMANAGED

The chore wars
The dear in the headlights expression? because the brain doesn't literally absorb info around them so can't see danger or risk asses They sincerely can't see what they did wrong or what's wrong

In short most times it feels like you have an extra child.

Please read up on it. Many relationships have withered under the weight of unmanaged adhd symptoms and when not diagnosed as a child always always have big issues later in relationships or when they become parents

It looked like a friction burn to me; it was a red watery patch and then scabbed over with sort of speckles of scabs trailing the main bit that was hurt. ill never 100% know what happened but it definitely wasn't there when I got him ready for bed the night before. I started work at 7.45 in the morning so didn't go downstairs and left dh to get them up, came down when I finished and dh told me he'd spotted something while changing him. The strange thing was I didn't hear him crying and they hadn't left the house.
The shape was slightly narrower at one end and it was right down the middle of his spine, like his spine was curved and then he was pulled. So I think dh most likely lifted his feet to change him and the pulled him along the floor to bring him closer. We have a play rug that has a sort of cord trim so in typical dh fashion, he's probably lay him down where he was and adjusted his position paying no attention to what was under him. It's the only thing that makes sense but dh claims to have no memory of doing anything like that obviously.

He's not abusive like that, he would never lose his temper and hit them, he's stupid, so dangerous in a different way.

As for the bruising, I was changing ds and asked him to help hold his legs so I could get the nappy on. Ds had a couple of small brown bruises near his ankle, given his age I didn't really think anything of it until I saw how tightly he was holding his legs. He did it right infront of me and the penny dropped as to what the bruises were off. I've shown him how to hold his legs without having to use his fingers so he's not putting his skin under that much pressure. It honestly boggles my mind that I had to show a fully grown man how not to bruise his son while changing his nappy. It hasn't happened since but it's on the list. I'm not making excuses either for him, the point of this thread was the fact that I can't remove them because he would still be given access, only without me there, which would be worse.

Sounds like learned incompetence to me. What a lazy selfish twat he is. Why has he gone to bed? So he can doss around and leave you to the end of day routine?! I wouldn’t be sucking this up

@Gioia1 thank you for your input. I've just quickly googled and read about inattentive adhd, that could definitely be a possibility, the careless mistakes definitely sum him up.
He's never had anything diagnosed no, I don't think he'd volunteer for an assessment either but I'm going to read some more now.

Just pitching in to add that I was you 5/6 years ago.. it's got no better. I once came home to find the kids had emptied the bottom freezer drawer eaten / melted every ice lolly and ice cream and smeared it everywhere as they'd not been fed since I'd left 4 hours beforehand.. my H was upstairs working on his laptop completely unaware.. still in their PJ's or course. I have stayed because I can't trust him, he's got no better, totally irresponsible when it comes to the kids (and himself for that matter) .. I'm leaving shortly, with my children and I'll feed them up and hope for the best bi-weekly (he won't cope and they are old enough to feed themselves now)!! In a nutshell- it won't change, pack his bags or yours and get the heck out

@Imanidiotiknow

This is exactly my point though. How can I? If I leave, he has access. If I stay I can try my best to mitigate the risks. That's the lesser of two evils at the age they are now.

You are so wrong on that, do you think he will adhere to any contact pattern after you split when it is so obvious already he doesn’t care enough about his children?

Men like that just fade into the background, if you are lucky your kids will be cared by their paternal grandma or their aunts when they are spending “contact” with their dad. Otherwise it would be you with them 24/7 but your children will be safe and happy.

Parenting kids on your own 24:7 is much easier than parenting 24/7 with someone who can and will hurt them. You are currently just seeing the tip of the iceberg, your children can’t tell you what is going on but they are already showing you they feel are unhappy about how their dad is when they are alone with him.

Parenting children alone is not as unsurmountable as it looks when you are in the middle of that conflict. It is actually much easier and the likelihood of your kids growing happy and as well rounded individuals is much higher than experiencing your frustration, his neglect and being hurt in the process when he is alone with them.

Placemarking as I had a DH quite like this.
It’s so infuriating.

Though he has other redeeming qualities like doesn’t sit all the time on his phone and does enjoy engaging with us.

My two are 10 years older than yours and I had to explain EVERY LITTLE THING in advance, in triplicate & in writing. He did change but he really wanted to get it right.

We still fall out over things and not paying attention to dangers but he’s less likely to fo it, and the DC can think for themselves a lot more.

Is there no way back??

You need to take you children and leave as soon as possible.Takke photos of the bruises. Tell friends and family but leave. Or you could also be charged with neglect.

He will not get access if you can tell social services what you have told us, and can back it up.

@Imanidiotiknow
Thanks for taking the time to read my input

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

Some of that list is really worrying. You don’t leave fingertip bruises with normal holds, even of a wriggling toddler. Fingertip bruises are caused by concerted pressure. You might cause them accidentally if you grabbed a child as it ran into the road, but not with a nappy change. And that friction burn is huge for a small child (are you sure it was a friction burn, BTW? - deliberate scalding is a common form of abuse). Your kids are experiencing physical abuse, as well as neglect from your DH.

I agree. This demonstrates a lot of buried hostility. He is not merely clumsy.

Okay now that I’ve read about the fingertip bruises this is more than just weaponised incompetence and almost neglect this really is abusive. I work with children so I have received a lot of safeguarding training which tells us which bruises are play bumps and which aren’t and fingertip bruises would be raised as a concern. If you let this slide you risk losing your children yourself. Sorry OP but I’d follow pp advice take photos, log everything, text messages and report. If that was my DH I would confide in someone, the HV and take it from there. Honestly imagine you taking her for a check up and the doctor notices the bruises and then raises a concern. They would think you were hiding something. Please be very careful with your next steps.

If he's not like this at work it's not ADHD. But maybe he is like this at work, can't follow instructions or observe basic OHS and hygiene procedures? I suspect he's fine at work.

@Grimsknee

If he's not like this at work it's not ADHD. But maybe he is like this at work, can't follow instructions or observe basic OHS and hygiene procedures? I suspect he's fine at work.

Not always the case.

Many a CEOs have adhd.

Many hold down successful careers and are well liked by people and that's because some are aware and have symptoms under control or have come up with strategies to help them

Yes it's true some change jobs frequently or are frequently fired impulsively and are more likely to be fired, to miss work deadlines and to have troubled relationships with Co workers

Dt It's more often noticed easily if they are self employed as all the planning, structure,time management organising themselves etc is on them but when they are employed, a lot of that is distributed or structured iyswim so you will find that they don't fail miserably at work as they do in home life / relationship
To the contrary. Certain traits they have help them excel like the ability to hyper focus

Good grief. Stop with the ADHD.

These men are doing weaponised incompetence because they resent doing the donkey work so they do whatever it takes to keep their partner doing everything.

There are plenty of women on here with ADHD who manage to feed, clothe, change nappies, not injure, or leave their children in dangerous situations.

I have a DS(30) and DGS(19) who are competent at taking care of small children. They don't even have DC of their own.

Many men like the idea of being a parent for the clout and photo ops but have no interest in being a parent.

@Gioia1
My point is whether this man has ADHD or not, if he manages to perform ok at his paid job, it is likely not ADHD causing him to neglect (and possibly even harm) his children.
Looking after children is, after all, a job and as @rantyaunty says plenty of women (probably men too) with ADHD do it well.

What was his childhood like?
My DH was quite distant when DCs grew up - he was the eldest in the family and I felt he possibly resented the attention they got from me, like his siblings took his mother's attention from him.
If there is something in the background counselling could maybe help.

@RantyAunty

Good grief. Stop with the ADHD.

These men are doing weaponised incompetence because they resent doing the donkey work so they do whatever it takes to keep their partner doing everything.

There are plenty of women on here with ADHD who manage to feed, clothe, change nappies, not injure, or leave their children in dangerous situations.

I have a DS(30) and DGS(19) who are competent at taking care of small children. They don't even have DC of their own.

Many men like the idea of being a parent for the clout and photo ops but have no interest in being a parent.

Thank you for this post! I hate it when well maybe he has x so poor little lamb it's not his fault. No. As you say many women (myself included, I have ADHD) manage to not harm or be neglectful towards their children's needs. Assuming he isn't just wilfully shite or lazy and does has a ND, then he needs to do what all of the rest of us do, find out how to make it work. For me it's lists, phone alarms, calendar in the kitchen so I see it everyday, medication, learning coping mechanisms in therapy, being honest about when its too much and I need a breather amongst other things. Its incredible the lengths some will go to excuse men's behaviour. I mean holding their legs so tightly it leaves a mark is just abhorrent.

@Goldbar

For the batteries, I would have called an ambulance and made him explain to the paramedics that his children might have swallowed batteries due to his negligence. You need to make him face the consequences of his incompetence... if they are hurt or injured (I.e. potential concussion), take them to doctor/hospital as appropriate and be very clear about the cause of their injuries, e.g. dad not giving basic care/supervising properly. Don't cover up for him at all or try to sugar-coat things. Call him out every time he gives them inadequate care.

You’d waste massively overstretched emergency resources because you wanted to shame your husband? You did read that they were AA batteries, right?

Assuming he isn't just wilfully shite or lazy and does has a ND, then he needs to do what all of the rest of us do, find out how to make it work. For me it's lists, phone alarms, calendar in the kitchen so I see it everyday, medication, learning coping mechanisms in therapy, being honest about when its too much and I need a breather amongst other things. Its incredible the lengths some will go to excuse men's behaviour. I mean holding their legs so tightly it leaves a mark is just abhorrent.

ND might explain being unaware of exerting too much pressure. Lack of awareness generally is key. First stop is getting a diagnosis. Then, of course, he needs to do what you are doing.

Relatives have (diagnosed and medicated) ADD, and definitely would not be left in charge of a small child. In fact, the house could burn down around them and they wouldn't notice! Hold down professional work though, and are highly valued for their unique skills.

To give an example, one of them is the safest driver on the road, they are so hyperfocussed. As a pedestrian though..... Keep having to be dragged back from under the wheels of a car they failed to see!

The AHAD thing is absolute bullshit my eldest daughter has extreme AHAD but she cares for two cats like they are newborn humans and she would throw herself under a bus to save them. I wouldn’t leave her in charge of small children because similarly she wouldn’t see the all the dangers (escalator situation she absolutely would) but she would never allow anything to hurt them and she certainly would never hurt them herself.

Exactly. Medication and or CBT.

Without which they will not function well. Those of you saying enough with the ADHD you most probably are diagnosed and take your meds and are have awareness

Undiagnosed ADHDH therefore not medicated or managed is crippling to them and those close to them.

I was not aware that a symptom of ADHD was causing physical bruising to a baby when you changed its nappy?

All the mothers posting on the thread who have ADHD seem to have been able to avoid physically harming their babies.

He may or may not have ADHD. That is irrelevant to whether or not to the fact that he has physically harmed his babies.