Dh too incompetent to leave him

[Imanidiotiknow]

I’m trapped. My Dh is too stupid to look after the kids on his own, so I can’t leave him and risk them being cared for him eow for instance. I’m just absolutely furious with him.

They’re 3 and 2. Today was a longer day at work than usual for me. I usually work 5 hour shifts and then scoop up the kids when I’m done. Today, however, I had to work 8.5 hours- he clearly didn’t anticipate me having a lunch break. Came down to find ds had snot dried across both cheeks. He’s got a terrible cold and his nose is streaming. Dh mustn’t have wiped it once. I had to use warm water to try and soften it before it came off.
Dd had no bobble in her hair and was walking round lifting up the front section so she could see. He’d given ds calpol but didn’t bother to check if he still actually had a temp. Ds had poo’d in his nappy and just been left.
I was completely disgusted at this point. He apologised and tried to brush it off as all happening in the 5 mins before I came down.
Finished at 4.30 and came down to find them still in pjs. I just despair. The batteries and back of the thermometer were missing, Dh said ds was playing with it. Thankfully they’re just AA batteries but still. What the fuck is he doing.

I realise this is completely inadequate but I feel like I need to tread carefully. If I push him out he will absolutely want to see the dc wherever he goes but I can’t allow it happen. He’s not neglecting them to the extent I think ss would deny unsupervised visits but it’s more than enough for me to not want them out my sight.

Also there was no evidence he’d be such a failure before we had kids. I just don’t know what to do. Incredibly he has a very respectable job, which in paper vs me and my mh issues ( nothing bad but diagnosed anxiety- mainly due to this) means I think he would be given access even if I refused,

Mainly just venting. Agh

Well no matter what he does professionally, he won't be automatically believed if you share your concerns regularly with the HV and other professionals you may encounter. I also think raising such concerns puts you in a good light if anything, you are the responsible parent to put it simply. My counsellors know and have it on the record what DH is like, and in due course when I start divorce proceedings I won't be hiding the truth from anyone, particularly not from those involved with my children, eg HV, nursery etc. The way I see it, we work as a team to benefit DC and failings and any relevant safety concerns should be known and addressed. xx

Serious timetabled sit down discussion - it is neglect and an inability to parent and you need to go head on

No he absolutely won't like it, but if I can get him to acknowledge it then I'm not particularly bothered. I would just sleep a bit better knowing I had evidence

If you dont mind me asking how have the professionals you've encountered reacted @PurplePansy05? I think I will tell the gp where my anxiety is really coming from. I've literally just been prescribed medication this week and have a review in 3 weeks so that would be my best opportunity I think.

And just to add, if he has any contributing MH or other issues then he needs to address them and work on himself, this is not an excuse if he doesn't do anything about them. I'm not suggesting he does, btw, but if he has the same attitude to everything in his personal life then maybe there's more to it that needs to be treated. xx

@Imanidiotiknow They've been very understanding. It felt disingenuous not to tell them and I don't think I'd get the right help if I was concealing the reasons to begin with. They haven't judged at all and were very sympathetic. The attitude was that effectively it ties in and explains a lot why I've been feeling so overwhelmed. It's true. My private counsellor even said that she sees a supermum overwhelmed with worries that don't belong to her because he isn't doing his share. I was shocked when I heard that because I've been putting myself down a lot for being anxious (even though I'm very much like you describe with DC).

I was compensating for his shortcomings for years and finally don't have the energy or willingness to do so and I know deep inside I'll be better off alone with DC and without the unnecessary stress his attitude is causing me.

So if you think they'll judge you or apply whatever special measures to you as a result, this isn't how this works. They're there to help you. xx

He is doing it deliberately so he's lying to your face about that, as shown by the fact he is engaged when he thinks he's being watched. Don't wear yourself out too much keeping logs, it could give you a sense of control and keep you trapped longer. Make plans to separate, he will find your replacement to do all the grunt work quick sharp, there's no way he's going to look after his kids on his own eow. These types never do. At least you know there's one adult caring for them and you can catch your breath eow.

Text him from upstairs. Say "Given how bad things were when I came down in x day, with DS still in pokey nappy... (etc,etc). Could you please make sure these things are done: (list of things).

If he tries to talk to you instead say "you're in Meetings so you want him to acknowledge that he will actively try to do better.

This way you both tell him, and you have it in writing.

My ex is like this. And the escalator thing happened with him too. The amount of times he's almost accidentally endangered and I've had to step in was ridiculously high. I don't think he was doing it on purpose, just a really terrible dad.

I too wanted to stay for a few more years because of this but honestly couldn't manage it. I was so unhappy.

Now I drop off at soft play or a specific class/activity with instructors to spend the day with him. Dreading him letting me know in future that he's decided to do a different location or something else. Dreading if he goes for eow but hopefully he doesn't, he's exhausted after one day!

@WonderfulYou

If I was a sahm it wouldn’t be an issue because I could shelter them.

Hmmm it sounds like you have a bit of anxiety and are too much the other way.

When I read about the batteries it made me feel sick with worry but the other examples aren’t really that of a negligent parent - snotty face, a pj day, socks on backwards, falling over etc are all normal things.

I think you need to focus on the things that are damaging to them, not things like putting the socks on wrong - write these damaging things down and keep track of how often they happen.
Then when you leave you have a log of your concerns.

What hours does he work?
How often are they left alone with him?

The escalator one? Not giving them any water? Pooey nappies? Basic signs of neglect there. Never playing with them might not get them taken into care but is also unacceptable neglect in my eyes. He’s a useless shit.

He sounds lazy as opposed to incompetent, on his phone rather than checking his kids? Can’t be bothered rather than useless, although it seems identical.

Tell him to grow up and parent his children. He can do it if he’s capable of holding down a job, can manage to drive a car with wrapping himself around a tree, can manage to not burn down the house then he can care for his children…he can do it, but he’s choosing to do it badly so you take over, deliberately or subconsciously, either way he needs pulling up on it.

Is he able to take care of himself?

I suspect so. In which case I'd suspect this is 'learned helplessness' to get him off the responsibility of actually caring for and looking after his own children. By making you so sure he can't cope, he doesn't even have to try.

Does he do any housework/general day-to-day stuff or expect you to do it all?

I was very in a similar situation to you until recently. Hopeless ExH, verging on neglectful with 101 excuses and the relationship was dead. Everything I said was taken as a personal attack. I left at the beginning of this year. Took my DS3 and left. Yes it means I have to trust he doesn't fuck up but at least I'm not wasting my life being stuck in a unhappy marriage and my DS is so much happier now.

There's no point "sticking it out for the kids" especially if it means you and them have to put up with this shit.

Can you not put them in nursery?
Also I think you need to concentrate on the dangerous / neglectful things first
Not changing a top because it has some spilled milk on is not the end of the world or putting socks on wrong or keeping pjs on , not ideal but if your pulling him up on everything he isn't listening
You need to sit down and talk about the things he is doing that are dangerous and neglectful and give him an ultimatum
If he needs help to learn then ask and learn, does he have family that could talk to him

Image is everything to him, which is why I’m positive he would want them. He couldn’t possibly be a deadbeat dad, but a moronic one is fine.

He will probably just do what many many other men do, tell everyone his children are his world, his kids come first, he spends as much time as possible with that and that he'd love to have them full time.....while barely spending any time with them at all!!

They just keep up appearances with their words, while not actually looking after their children at all!

Sorry I had this tab open and though I had lost what I typed and typed similar out again!

Parenting classes would be a good idea, as is calmly discussing things, he is very likely to just tune you out completely if you get angry. Agree with the other posters who said not to focus on things like pjs, but on the really dangerous things.

The thing is you might commit to staying for 5 or 6 more years but a lot could happen in 5 or 6 years, the relationship between you both could deteriorate further, he could then leave himself after a couple of years and the decision is taken out of your hands!

I think you are being way OTT. You say a pyjama day would be 'lovely' but him not getting them dressed is somehow neglect? This is just sometimes the messy imperfect life of parenting. I know I feel somehow on edge and not my best parenting wise when my partner is WFH.

Oh god OP I can really relate to everything you are saying to the point you feel guilty for working. I do too but I need to work as I’m in a crap situation and sometimes feel he wants me to stop working so he doesn’t need to interact with them. There is so much deliberate incompetence and yep very respectable career etc yet sloppy with the kids. But these men turn dads of the year when you leave them though so I’m told, or their mums look after the kids for them. You’re not alone and I feel like running away to Australia or somewhere just to avoid ‘co’ parenting.

Wow, I only glanced at some replies and seems the mumsnet perfect parents are out in force. Seriously guys, it's snot and hair in the face. Yes, the unchanged nappy would bother me but you don't know how long that nappy was in that state.
Please, look at yourself and maybe it's your anxiety but you are massively over reacting talking about separation and visitation schedules.
If the shoe was on the other foot and you were maybe having an off day or you were just plain tired, how would you feel if your dh burst through the door fuming about a nappy and a snotty nose?
Give the man a break, did he feed them? I'm sure he did, did he supervise them playing, yes no one died.
Did you even stop to think that he may have played with them, read to them, enjoyed their presence???
Maybe your kids had a lovely day with their dad despite the snots and poo.
You need to address your mental health and I mean this in a very kind way. Both your kids are at very busy ages and it can be a very stressful time for families at this phase. Try to relax some more and realise that he is not you and he is his own person and maybe the things that bothered you didn't occur to him to be as urgent. I'm not excusing his lack of attention but your reaction has been way way over the top. To break up your family over trivial matters would be heartbreaking for your kids. Try to work on calming your initial reactions to things, even stepping out of the room and locking yourself in the bathroom to get some head space and then returning and have a discussion about caring for the kids hygiene and it's importance. Even the language you use calling him stupid, it sounds like you were still fuming when writing this post. I really hope you get support for your anxiety, it can be exhausting to deal with anxiety and is not a nice place to be in.

OP just to give you some examples to see if you can relate. I have to remind him to feed dd and then he complains that I micromanage him. I work mornings and 4 hours can go by and I ask him if he’s fed her and he says no. She doesn’t ask for food as she’s hardly talking yet. I’m not ‘bossy’ by nature I’m a chilled person but I have to do this as he ‘forgets’ or she doesn’t seem hungry or he can’t smell poo nappies etc. He takes her outside not fully dressed when it’s freezing yet he can’t feel the cold. He refused to baby proof the garden despite me pleading with him she could fall over the low patio wall but he thinks I’m being controlling if I try to do things myself ie get quotes for railings for instance. Everything kid related is so fucking inconvenient for him. I have a part time nanny who I am grateful for but is crippling me financially, nursery would be expensive too as I’m not entitled to any benefits cos he earns too much therefore I am rich too apparently. He is very good at housework and cooking and he does this but the kids I feel I am parenting alone. No input from him despite him being very intelligent the mental load of childcare/their entertainment and education is all mine and it’s stressful when I have to work too and I find him on his iPhone while my daughter is glued to the iPad. We have an older ds whom he loves to play fun time dad with as he’s independent so doesn’t need to do any of the dog work for but his infancy it was the same. He actually dumps dd with ds and goes off in another room, my ds is great with his sis but it isn’t his job to do that. It infuriates me.

I also confided in dd’s health visitor that I think I have anger issues and she actually told me it was expected given that Dp doesn’t listen to anything I say. It opened my eyes abit if I’m honest.

He should be talking to them all day to develop their brains. How sad that they sit in silence with him, resigned.

I figured he was sitting there on his phone. How useless.

I'd split. He'll lose interest after his first weekend alone with them.

I agree with the person who says to text him in a conversational way about some things you would like improvements on ( not every single thing that's ever happened - I'd flag the safety issues like the escalator, the fire truck, medicine or battery ). When he responds to your texts that's evidence there. I think having a formal discussion to try to get him to admit a list of things he has done wrong will go down very badly. I think if he knows your planning to trap him it could go badly.

When more things happen under his care you can text him about those when he skulks off.

@bluesberry

Sorry I had this tab open and though I had lost what I typed and typed similar out again!

Parenting classes would be a good idea, as is calmly discussing things, he is very likely to just tune you out completely if you get angry. Agree with the other posters who said not to focus on things like pjs, but on the really dangerous things.

The thing is you might commit to staying for 5 or 6 more years but a lot could happen in 5 or 6 years, the relationship between you both could deteriorate further, he could then leave himself after a couple of years and the decision is taken out of your hands!

And then you're five years older which narrows the dating pool, believe me.

I would want to know, just why a father is so incapable of looking after small chilren. Is he quite young, and a bit childlike himself., or just only semi interested in the children..