Dh too incompetent to leave him

[Imanidiotiknow]

I’m trapped. My Dh is too stupid to look after the kids on his own, so I can’t leave him and risk them being cared for him eow for instance. I’m just absolutely furious with him.

They’re 3 and 2. Today was a longer day at work than usual for me. I usually work 5 hour shifts and then scoop up the kids when I’m done. Today, however, I had to work 8.5 hours- he clearly didn’t anticipate me having a lunch break. Came down to find ds had snot dried across both cheeks. He’s got a terrible cold and his nose is streaming. Dh mustn’t have wiped it once. I had to use warm water to try and soften it before it came off.
Dd had no bobble in her hair and was walking round lifting up the front section so she could see. He’d given ds calpol but didn’t bother to check if he still actually had a temp. Ds had poo’d in his nappy and just been left.
I was completely disgusted at this point. He apologised and tried to brush it off as all happening in the 5 mins before I came down.
Finished at 4.30 and came down to find them still in pjs. I just despair. The batteries and back of the thermometer were missing, Dh said ds was playing with it. Thankfully they’re just AA batteries but still. What the fuck is he doing.

I realise this is completely inadequate but I feel like I need to tread carefully. If I push him out he will absolutely want to see the dc wherever he goes but I can’t allow it happen. He’s not neglecting them to the extent I think ss would deny unsupervised visits but it’s more than enough for me to not want them out my sight.

Also there was no evidence he’d be such a failure before we had kids. I just don’t know what to do. Incredibly he has a very respectable job, which in paper vs me and my mh issues ( nothing bad but diagnosed anxiety- mainly due to this) means I think he would be given access even if I refused,

Mainly just venting. Agh

Was just thinking exactly the same @Asterales 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

Just wanted to add that bruising in a baby is considered a child protection issue. As a Social worker I would be asking how you are protecting your child. Leaving the relationship is the best option...or working with social services. If risks are not removed your child may be removed if father deemed abusive.

I was not aware that a symptom of ADHD was causing physical bruising to a baby when you changed its nappy?

I'd be asking whether DH leaves fingerprint bruises in other situations - height of passion, sudden panic and grabbing OP's arm etc. But I would also be making other arrangements for childcare, because learning awareness is a long haul task. If you can rearrange life so that DH doesn't do childcare, but does do significant providing for the family, you may come to an accommodation.

Just wanted to add that bruising in a baby is considered a child protection issue. As a Social worker I would be asking how you are protecting your child. Leaving the relationship is the best option...or working with social services. If risks are not removed your child may be removed if father deemed abusive.

Onanotherday I have heard about this but why is it that a child can be removed from its non-harmful mother because of an abusive man in the house, but so many women are then forced to hand over their DC to abusive or neglectful fathers after they leave? This fear is what stops many women from leaving abusive relationships in the first place.

As for ADHD, OP has explained he’s all about image and performs wonderful caring Disney dad in front of other people. He is capable of not doing these harmful or neglectful behaviours if he thinks he would look bad to someone whose opinion he cares about. At home, he deep down thinks the woman should be doing all this and resents her expecting him to do some childcare so takes it out on them/does it badly/lazes around and pleases himself. Classic strategic incompetence and resentment be misogynistic manchild who hasn’t grown up enough to realise that other people have feelings including his own DC.

Would he want to have them of you split up? He doesn’t seem to like them very much.

As for ADHD, OP has explained he’s all about image and performs wonderful caring Disney dad in front of other people. He is capable of not doing these harmful or neglectful behaviours if he thinks he would look bad to someone whose opinion he cares about.

For how long though? Five minutes, ten? Until he gets distracted by a squirrel? Bit different from an 8 hour hypervigilant shift.

I am fairly certain I have ADHD I am going to get referred as I am struggling with work and home life, always have done but I have started reading about it recently and need to do something so I doesn’t ruin my life completely as it has ruined things for me growing up. I need to do a questionnaire as suggested by a GP relative as he is the one that suggested I do it. I find difficulty in many aspects of my life organisation etc but when it comes to my children I am very much in tune with them and manage to avoid hurting them. It’s strange how men seem to be given all sorts of excuses. I get that everyone is different but fingerprint bruises ffs.

I would read about strategic incompetence. I remember a previous long running thread about this subject and there are many similarities to that.

I would bet a crisp tenner on it that ADHD has nothing to do with his overall lack of care to his children. He is not bothered about them, only his own self, and sees them as your job,

@onanotherday I don't disagree with it being an issue. The bruising was identified and rectified by me, it hasn't happened since. His problem is not foreseeing issues before they arise or the consequences of what he does/doesn't do. As I've said I don't believe it's intentional, not the bruising anyway, he's not actively trying to hurt them. He just doesn't think, or perhaps doesn't empathise mixed with laziness.

You suggest leaving the relationship but then what? I can guarantee my children are safer with me here than they would be with him during a visit on a weekend or god forbid he went for 50:50. I absolutely put my kids safety first and if I ever felt he intentionally put them at risk, was physically or emotionally abusive he'd be gone but I'd need to know he wouldn't be unsupervised with them. As it stands it's incompetence on a grand scale.

The only other solution is for me to stop working then he'll never be in charge solo. But financially that's not really possible. Both sets of gp are competent and kind however have health issues that mean they wouldn't be suitable long term. They will be going to nursery in September so thatll be a weight off my mind.

I know alot of people have mentioned he wouldn't keep up contact, but I've known him for 10 years. I genuinely believe he would- hence why I'm still here. He is off eow so that would naturally work, and despite his massive failings he does love them.

What sort of behaviour warrants supervised visitation? There must be a threshold for ss? Anecdotally men seem to do worse and still get kids to stay.

OP, how many hours are they under his care atm?

How could it change following your divorce?

How can you minimise the hours he spends with them? Would a 50/50 arrangement with joint childcare once a fortnight and your sole childcare every fortnight be practicable? That's more strain on you but also more comfort?

Would the situation change once both DCs are in school? It's not long?

Can you up your hours and can they be sent to professional childminders in the meantime so he does less childcare and the financial strain is lesser?

Realistically, you need to work out a solution whereby if you want to leave, his sole childcare hours are limited, otherwise you'll be stressing out. Can you be open with him about this? He might admit you're right and that it would be best if they're with a childminder and he does less hours with them on his own?

OTOH you need to remember you are trying to control the uncontrollable here and this will never work 100%. This is your anxiety speaking. You need to acknowledge they are at some risk now and they will be at some risk going forward regardless of what's going to happen. You can't completely eliminate it. Frankly, no parent can. But in your situation I understand you have increased concerns. You need to manage them realistically, however. xx

Re childcare arrangements above, I meant weekends every fortnight, sorry.

He sounds awful- lazy, irresponsible and neglectful. On these threads there's always a tonne of mental gymnastics to try and excuse feckless fathers, but leaving a bruise, even once, is unacceptable. As is leaving them in a shitty nappy and everything else, there's no excuse for that, it doesn't take 'nanny training' (whatever that is) to know ah need to change their nappy now and then. Eurgh thus type of behaviour is so abhorrent.

Your children are not safer in that situation than if you leave (unless you leave them behind). All that has happened did while you were there.