Dh too incompetent to leave him

[Imanidiotiknow]

I’m trapped. My Dh is too stupid to look after the kids on his own, so I can’t leave him and risk them being cared for him eow for instance. I’m just absolutely furious with him.

They’re 3 and 2. Today was a longer day at work than usual for me. I usually work 5 hour shifts and then scoop up the kids when I’m done. Today, however, I had to work 8.5 hours- he clearly didn’t anticipate me having a lunch break. Came down to find ds had snot dried across both cheeks. He’s got a terrible cold and his nose is streaming. Dh mustn’t have wiped it once. I had to use warm water to try and soften it before it came off.
Dd had no bobble in her hair and was walking round lifting up the front section so she could see. He’d given ds calpol but didn’t bother to check if he still actually had a temp. Ds had poo’d in his nappy and just been left.
I was completely disgusted at this point. He apologised and tried to brush it off as all happening in the 5 mins before I came down.
Finished at 4.30 and came down to find them still in pjs. I just despair. The batteries and back of the thermometer were missing, Dh said ds was playing with it. Thankfully they’re just AA batteries but still. What the fuck is he doing.

I realise this is completely inadequate but I feel like I need to tread carefully. If I push him out he will absolutely want to see the dc wherever he goes but I can’t allow it happen. He’s not neglecting them to the extent I think ss would deny unsupervised visits but it’s more than enough for me to not want them out my sight.

Also there was no evidence he’d be such a failure before we had kids. I just don’t know what to do. Incredibly he has a very respectable job, which in paper vs me and my mh issues ( nothing bad but diagnosed anxiety- mainly due to this) means I think he would be given access even if I refused,

Mainly just venting. Agh

I think he should be interacting / playing with them properly and obviously on the look out for dangers like the batteries. I would also not be happy if it seemed like he wasn’t doing this and would have a serious talk.

On the other hand, some of the other stuff isn’t terrible. I’ve had to use a flannel to wipe dried snot off my DD’s face before when I’ve been looking after her and I don’t change a stained top immediately unless it’s really bad, I just don’t see the point. I understand that it’s everything adding up that’s making you so annoyed, but I wouldn’t include some of the smaller issues as being essential to address.

@navydear I'm far from a perfect (single) parent . PJ days are great, we have them quite a lot. But they get a shower, put on clean ones and brush their teeth. Occasional movie days / tv days are fine too if everyone is ill / knackered / its pissing down but clearly the OP is giving some specific examples of a a general approach which just isn't ok in the context of him having them for days or weeks in the school holidays alone. It would be different if the DH was horrified and apologetic about the escalator or batteries - how often do we see posters on here beating themselves up because there was a mishap. That's fine. But if he can't see the problem, that's an issue. He's a grown up with a FT job and takes care of himself ok. Why does he need to be "taught" parenting? Did anyone teach the OP? Do you really need lessons in wiping snot, changing nappies when dirty, interacting with the kids? Another depressingly low bar for this man to slither under.

Reading your initial post you don't come across particularly well.

You would have no right to deny child contact unless there are serious safeguarding concerns.

The messy clothes etc would t worry me the real neglect is letting them sit with an iPad the whole time. They are 2 and 3? Introduce a limit to screen time which he agrees with like half an hour! Then when he has the kids he has to play, get out arty stuff, take them to park, etc…and it sounds like he needs his phone removed too!

No wonder you have anxiety! Seeing dangers everywhere is normal when you have babies and toddlers - it’s an instinct that keeps them safe. But having to cope with incompetent adults as well is too much.

I think you need childcare as a priority because he isn’t a safe co-parent. Why would you leave your dc in his care when you would never, ever hire a childminder that was this incompetent?

My dm sent us to a cm even during periods when my df was out of work because she insisted that we needed consistency and wouldn’t risk losing the cm to another family. But the main reason was that she needed to know we were in safe hands while she was working.

I strongly suspect that your anxiety will reduce if you do the same.

Does your dh have any expensive hobbies he could cut back in to help pay for childcare?

Sounds like he's completely distracted at home (the escalator thing is awful), can you strongly suggest that when he's got the dc on his own he turns his phone off? I've seen so many people get so distracted by a phone that they completely miss what their small children are up to.

OP this was me a few years ago. DH would leave 3&4 year old DDs in the bath unattended. He would also let them "have a bath" for hours, I found them sitting in cold water more than once.

On the very rare weekends he actuallly got up with them giving me a lie in (I was usually in tears asking for him to get up so I had "woken up" already) I would lie awake hearing the kids get things out of the kitchen try to "make" sandwiches with knives etc. I used to get up and sort them out then go back to bed. Ditto for not getting them up or teeth brushed etc.

The resentment was AWFUL. It built and built and almost destroyed our marriage. Like your DH mine is a compentent adult, just couldn't or wouldn't parent effectively.

It all came to a head resulting in me taking the plug to work and to bed with me to at least remove that risk from the equation. He thought I was batshit so I ended up posting on here, shared the thread, told his mum on him (!) she read the riot act. I also rang social services to get some advice. They weren't that helpful but he AT LAST realised I was serious as I explained why I had rung them and that they had advised that unless I left him and took the kids there is little they could do.

We had a few months of marriage counselling about this and other significant issues but we made it through.

Now he takes responsibility and listens to my concerns, ditto for when he feels I'm not pulling my weight with engaging with the family.

I really hope you can get him to have his lightbulb moment.

How’s his own hygiene?

@AspergersWife

Oh and as pp said, get stuff logged with your GP, kids GP etc. I was lucky in the fact that H fully admitted he was crap and wouldn't cope with 50/50 custody, and as a result was more than happy to pay me a higher amount than the CMS calculations in order for him not to have the kids more than EOW. Sad but true. If yours is an arse or deluded about his parenting capabilities, he might well try for 50/50 to preserve that perfect image you've mentioned or to reduce any CMS payment, and then you might be glad of evidence as to why 50/50 is not appropriate.

I found therapy helpful as it's a very isolating thing to be planning secretly and if you struggle with anxiety it may trigger further issues for you as you prepare. Do you have people around you who can help? I could confide in a friend and my mum and had all my important papers, passports and some cash hidden at my mums just in case.

I'm afraid it's total fantasy that the courts give a shit about stuff "logged with the GP". I'm a GP. We never get asked for reports unless a child is being taken into care.

Sorry, OP, not trying to be unhelpful - I just don't want you to be placing faith in a system that won't actually help. I'm afraid that many kids live full-time with parents who are much more shit that your DH (which I am not saying to excuse him) and the system does nothing.

@Goldbar

For the batteries, I would have called an ambulance and made him explain to the paramedics that his children might have swallowed batteries due to his negligence. You need to make him face the consequences of his incompetence... if they are hurt or injured (I.e. potential concussion), take them to doctor/hospital as appropriate and be very clear about the cause of their injuries, e.g. dad not giving basic care/supervising properly. Don't cover up for him at all or try to sugar-coat things. Call him out every time he gives them inadequate care.

His level of competence is clearly lacking but calling an accident in case a child has swallowed an AA battery is crazy and a complete waste of nhs resources

No way a child would swallow an aa battery without choking. So yeah his behaviour risked them joking (which isn't any better) but you couldn't say to a paramedic there was a chance your child had a battery in their stomach

Would you really put the child through a hospital trip, assessment, possible x ray etc. just to embarrass him?

Sorry if it’s been said, but have you spoken to him about how he’s not meant to be pissing about on his phone most of the time when he’s looking after them? How he’s meant to be caring for them and playing with them and it is a full day’s job? A hard one at that.

Did you ask why he hadn’t changed the nappy? Or what he was doing when the battery thing happened?

OP, ave not read the full thread but just wanted to say you are not trapped, neither do you have to worry about your children being neglected by their dad on every other weekend if you split.

Sorry to be blunt but parents like that do not stay in the picture for the long run. And raising kids on your own is so much easier than raising them on your own while carrying their father on your shoulders as well.

One thing that surprised me on the first week after exH moved out was that nagging was exhausting and pointless: I found my elf at 9 pm, in an immaculate house, a child asleep in bed who went out without a fight, the food for the next day already sorted in the fridge and an eerie feeling I had not felt for years: I had no more chores to do!

I wouldn’t say that raising DS on my own 24/7 has been easy but have been much easier than raising him with a irresponsible father around.

No elf (I wished I had one!) I meant to say I found myself not my elf

I'm going to come at this from a different angle. Hyperfocus.

You say your husband is really good at his job. I'll take a guess here and suggest he has the ability to concentrate really well on stuff and block out everything else to do it. People with very strong strengths can come with equally strong weaknesses. In this case, he gets lost on his phone and the children become a blur in the background.

I think this is what you need to be talking about as a couple. However, you might need to understand that he may be expending the same energy at work each day as when taking his finals - leaving little over for home life. Talk to him about his job and the demands it makes on him - both parents working, 2 toddlers and no childcare sounds a very tough gig.

@SpaceshiptoMars

I'm going to come at this from a different angle. Hyperfocus.

You say your husband is really good at his job. I'll take a guess here and suggest he has the ability to concentrate really well on stuff and block out everything else to do it. People with very strong strengths can come with equally strong weaknesses. In this case, he gets lost on his phone and the children become a blur in the background.

I think this is what you need to be talking about as a couple. However, you might need to understand that he may be expending the same energy at work each day as when taking his finals - leaving little over for home life. Talk to him about his job and the demands it makes on him - both parents working, 2 toddlers and no childcare sounds a very tough gig.

That is true, but at the end of the day is a matter of priorities and his priorities are not in the right order if he chooses to prioritise his job over the children all the time.

What a waste of what could have been a lovely day. That’s what gets me most. Glorious weather yesterday, most normal dads would have been at the park or on a walk or feeding the ducks with kids that age, not keeping them indoors in their pyjamas. When I was a SAHM, we always did activities if we ended up indoors for whatever reason - baking, crafts, threading pasta on a string. What has he actually done to educate them today? Nothing! He’s simply kept them alive and done a poor job of that it seems. Total total waste of life. You get out what you put in with children. So many wasted opportunities.

That is true, but at the end of the day is a matter of priorities and his priorities are not in the right order if he chooses to prioritise his job over the children all the time.

Well, I'm coming at it from the view that the job might be the problem. Is it too much for him? If the only way he can do it is with every scrap of his mental energy, what do you do about it? The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak stuff.

"He’s different in public, literal Disney dad. Totally engages with them if there’s the chance someone nearby will comment what a good dad he is."

There it is - narcissist. He won't change.

I agree with @navydear

Your kid will not die from an unnecessary dose of calpol. The most likely place to find missing objects is the floor and in pockets, not mouths. You're thinking worst case scenario. The escalator was most unfortunate; your husband clearly cannot risk assess on the go, but that's a lesson learned for him.

Do the kids enjoy his company? Does he engage and play with them? That's more important than snot or bobbles. Your kid probably cried when you wiped off the dried snot because you were acting like it was a big deal.

The man works FT not PT, so he's not your childcare. Leave him a list and operate a no-screens policy between x and y hours and be prepared to follow that policy yourself.

I think some responses here as expected, are focusing on the few examples OP provided. But believe me, being with with someone like this every day is a total nightmare. It's very difficult to convey this because certain behaviours taken out of the full picture might not seem bad at all or many people can relate do doing the same, particularly on a 'lazy day'. This isn't this type scenario though. And it isn't OP's job to micromanage an adult, clearly intellectually and physically capable man. Did anyone manage her in her parenting? No. She has the children to parent and a job, she doesn't need to take on more. This is his job to sort out his own shortcomings. He clearly gives no mental space to large parts of their lives and OP is forced to step up which inevitably induces her anxiety as she's carrying the load alone, together with getting stressed about what it is that he won't do or will fuck up next.

It's no way to live and I really think unless you're in a relationship with someone like this you don't understand. It's quite clear those of us who have are pretty much unanimous about leaving as it's an incredibly draining and unhealthy dynamic.

Also reporting to HV/GP is important for the OP to get the right help, not so much for the custody battle, in relation to the latter have a word with your solicitor OP. But I suspect he'll end up wanting less than 50/50 or getting help when he has them.

OP xx

Op I know how you feel and mine wasn’t even this bad. It is neglectful and shit parenting. It’s not just about does a bit of snot matter, does a pj day matter - the issue is that he doesn’t care, isn’t paying attention, doesn’t have a sense of responsibility. It’s just about how little can he get away with doing, and seeing the DC as a chore to be avoided instead of as people he loves and cares about and wants to be there for. It’s not even just about their safety, though that would worry me. It’s also about the emotional impact on them, knowing their parent doesn’t give a crap. That makes it harder for them to be with that parent alone.

I held out until my youngest was 6, and then after I ended it there was a period when we had to stay in the same house, so almost 7 by the time they had to stay overnights with him. Luckily, and to give him credit, it’s been quite amicable and he’s stayed local, and they’ve always been able to phone me from his and I’ve been able to go round if youngest needed me, which happened at first. Over time I will say he has improved, and of course they have become less dependent.

I do think you need to spell it out to him that this is not acceptable, give him parenting books, and keep your own detailed diary of his behaviour. I found planning to leave helped me a lot, my youngest was 2 when I knew I was over it, and I did make it through those years. ( It wasn’t just this issue that ended it for me, there were many others.) there’s a chance he will wake up and sort his act out, as a pp has described but even if not, you might get some improvement. Ask him how he’d feel if something terrible happened on his watch. Or if someone filmed his “parenting” and put it online. (Not as a threat, just to make him think.) and remember this isn’t for ever, they grow up fast and you can teach them self-care skills which is a good thing anyway.

And for posters who think OP is overreacting.imagine you have a disability where you can’t wipe your own runny nose or change your own nappy or get things you need, and you’re alone with a career who doesn’t give a shit and leaves you like that all day. It’s not just “how dangerous is this?” (Though of course safety is an issue here too). It’s also about being uncomfortable, disrespected and shown you don’t matter.

carer sorry

So the terrible things he did was your son have some snot on his face. daughter not have a hair tie and a poo in a nappy that really could have happened in the last few minutes. I think you need to lighten up a bit.

@maybemu

So the terrible things he did was your son have some snot on his face. daughter not have a hair tie and a poo in a nappy that really could have happened in the last few minutes. I think you need to lighten up a bit.

FFS did you miss this bit In our local shopping centre last week he was about 10m ahead with dd who’d ran to the escalator. She was in front of him and had her hands on the step in front going up, he didn’t get her to stand up or lift her as it went over the bit where the step meets the grill.

Getting her hair ripped out/ scalp torn/ crushed in the steps - doesn't bear thinking about