Dh too incompetent to leave him

[Imanidiotiknow]

I’m trapped. My Dh is too stupid to look after the kids on his own, so I can’t leave him and risk them being cared for him eow for instance. I’m just absolutely furious with him.

They’re 3 and 2. Today was a longer day at work than usual for me. I usually work 5 hour shifts and then scoop up the kids when I’m done. Today, however, I had to work 8.5 hours- he clearly didn’t anticipate me having a lunch break. Came down to find ds had snot dried across both cheeks. He’s got a terrible cold and his nose is streaming. Dh mustn’t have wiped it once. I had to use warm water to try and soften it before it came off.
Dd had no bobble in her hair and was walking round lifting up the front section so she could see. He’d given ds calpol but didn’t bother to check if he still actually had a temp. Ds had poo’d in his nappy and just been left.
I was completely disgusted at this point. He apologised and tried to brush it off as all happening in the 5 mins before I came down.
Finished at 4.30 and came down to find them still in pjs. I just despair. The batteries and back of the thermometer were missing, Dh said ds was playing with it. Thankfully they’re just AA batteries but still. What the fuck is he doing.

I realise this is completely inadequate but I feel like I need to tread carefully. If I push him out he will absolutely want to see the dc wherever he goes but I can’t allow it happen. He’s not neglecting them to the extent I think ss would deny unsupervised visits but it’s more than enough for me to not want them out my sight.

Also there was no evidence he’d be such a failure before we had kids. I just don’t know what to do. Incredibly he has a very respectable job, which in paper vs me and my mh issues ( nothing bad but diagnosed anxiety- mainly due to this) means I think he would be given access even if I refused,

Mainly just venting. Agh

@Goldbar

For the batteries, I would have called an ambulance and made him explain to the paramedics that his children might have swallowed batteries due to his negligence. You need to make him face the consequences of his incompetence... if they are hurt or injured (I.e. potential concussion), take them to doctor/hospital as appropriate and be very clear about the cause of their injuries, e.g. dad not giving basic care/supervising properly. Don't cover up for him at all or try to sugar-coat things. Call him out every time he gives them inadequate care.

Our Ambulance service doesn't have the resources to be used to show someone up!!

A toddler isn't going to quietly swallow AA batteries, they're just not.

They needed to be found (which they were) but there was never a need to call an ambulance for the child & as I said, they do not have spare resources to show someone up! Another person could have died waiting for that ambulance.

@Imanidiotiknow. Definitely get your concerns noted by someone official. I totally understand why you feel trapped by this situation, I think I'd look at embarrassing him (telling friends & family) for his neglect while they're in his care, I don't know what else to suggest really.

This was me.
My H 'didn't notice' everything from the 'minor' wiping of an encrusted face to changing or feeding for a few hours. To major - child once stepped off a high castle wall / cliff area / into an A road (actually H stopped partway across an A road to argue about something & held child with him in dangerous sit)
He 'didn't see the problem' yet when I explained I was always 'overreacting/ hysterical' & 'there is no point trying as nothing i do I right anyway'. Yet he can hold down a job, pay rhe rent on his flat (now), arrange holidays with his family.

My kids are now 17 & 14. They have Autism so still don't really realise they are hungry/ thirsty / need a shower without prompting. Guess who is still not capable of taking care of them for so much as a single whole day ? I should have left years ago as they've grown up around H's 'helplessness' & my resentment. Sorry if I sound bitter & I appreciate your kids don't have SN so will become independent much sooner than this, but I thought worth sharing.

I'd document stuff but HCPs / Courts not interested unless it is obvious & flagrant abuse so yes it may come down to a straight choice between staying so you can ensure they are cared for, or leaving and worrying about EOW etc. I wish you luck xxx

I felt so bad for ds trying to get the snot of his little cheeks, it was literally like glue to his skin.

Little bit over dramatic there. You washed his face.

Focus on the things that actually are a problem.

They needed to be found (which they were) but there was never a need to call an ambulance for the child & as I said, they do not have spare resources to show someone up! Another person could have died waiting for that ambulance.

If there is any risk that a child has swallowed batteries, that is an emergency. I would call an ambulance for my own child in that situation. Better safe than sorry - the call handler will be able properly to assess the seriousness of the situation.

Men like this don't really want childcare IME.

A good strategy can just be to leave ASAP while the kids are still young enough you can make an excuse of "let's wait until they are older" for overnights.

Then just be vague about contact and leave it entirely up to him, tell him you think it's best you all take a couple of weeks initially to get settled and then he can take them out for the afternoon at the weekend. Be clear that contact will not take place at your house. Those are the only two hard boundaries that you set. Do not get involved in solving problems like "But where should I take them?"

Then leave it up to him to arrange everything. He will at first, because he'll want to look good. Any time he enquires about contact, respond with openness but no actual arranging - just replies like "No problem, let me know when you're free". "Any time - let me know what you think"

It's highly likely that once he gets past the first flush of "I'm a single dad woe is me look at how brave I am looking after my own children" and he realises nobody cares any more, his appointments to see them will get further and further apart as he waits for you to arrange it for him and you...don't. He may even take them to see his female family members, who will probably badger him for contact, because he doesn't like looking after them alone, so there will be another adult there anyway.

She already found the batteries everyone, calm down!

You're looking at this completely the wrong way.

Your DC are at risk every single day around this man as it stands.

For 12 days a fortnight they'd with you and risk free....... 2 days a fortnight the clown would be running the circus. He will HAVE to step up when he can't rely on you being there to micromanage him.

@Goldbar

They needed to be found (which they were) but there was never a need to call an ambulance for the child & as I said, they do not have spare resources to show someone up! Another person could have died waiting for that ambulance.

If there is any risk that a child has swallowed batteries, that is an emergency. I would call an ambulance for my own child in that situation. Better safe than sorry - the call handler will be able properly to assess the seriousness of the situation.

Does anyone seriously believe had 1 or 3 year old has swallowed an AA battery?? I totally understand the panic over the small round ones

@XmeansX

Your adult husband will staty like this all the time you pick up after him. Leave him to it, don’t interfere. If I knew someone would take over all the time I’d not be arsed to anything either

Really? You would choose to let your kids be uncomfortable and in danger simply because someone else might intervene? That's a shocking admission!! Don't you care about what happens to them?

I kind of felt like this and my marriage breakdown dragged on for another 7 or 8 years, which I regret as I'll never get that time back, and I can just hope that my dcs aren't damaged by spending a large part of their childhood seeing parents who weren't happy together and were poor relationship role models.

What I found when we eventually split was that he pretty quickly learned to cope, as most people would. My dcs were older by then, but I think he'd have managed smaller dcs.

What I also realise now is that I was enabling his helplessness by being the responsible adult in the relationship and managing everything myself. A lot of people are happy to be lazy or irresponsible if they know someone else is around to pick up the pieces.

So my advice would be to work out what is best for you and your dcs, and, if your relationship is irretrievable, then end it sooner rather than later.

When you're going through all the break up negotiations you need to be very firm about him providing a safe environment for your children. Keep notes (dates, details) of all of your concerns in case it's needed, but I really think you'll be surprised by what incompetent people can do when they don't have someone else propping them up.

@WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe

Did you find the batteries? I’m not sure why them only being AA’s is a good thing?

SHe meant they weren't button batteries that they could swallow,

I feel for you op - my H was a it like this. It's one of the reasons why I only have 1 DS.

It's a lazy thing - and I'm surprised at all the posters telling op she outfit to help improve his parenting! Did anyone teach op how to wipe noses and change nappies? And I hate the idea of him sitting on his phone on a glorious day when he could have taken them out.

What I would suggest is make all his fuck ups his problem- unless the kids are in danger then don't step in - that's what he's waiting for.

My H used to pull the 'that's only just happened' when DS was little. He still does it now with anything that he hasn't taken responsibility for. Cat litter tray overflowing - only just happened. Messy kitchen - only just finished cooking and was just about to sort it.

Even DS knows that 'it's only just happened' is his father's catchphrase for literally everything.

@BoodleBug51

You're looking at this completely the wrong way.

Your DC are at risk every single day around this man as it stands.

For 12 days a fortnight they'd with you and risk free....... 2 days a fortnight the clown would be running the circus. He will HAVE to step up when he can't rely on you being there to micromanage him.

They don't always step up though, not to standards that most people expect from a good parent.

They're the ones you see in McDonalds on their phones, while their DC desperately try to get their attention to show them something from their happy meal or run around wiping ketchup all over everything.

@BoredZelda

I felt so bad for ds trying to get the snot of his little cheeks, it was literally like glue to his skin.

Little bit over dramatic there. You washed his face.

Focus on the things that actually are a problem.

A lack of basic care all day, every time that he is alone with them is a problem.

Pointless other poster's saying "I didn't brush my kids' hair once! We sometimes have a pyjama day!" - yes of course, we all do.
What we don't do is ignore our toddler age children every time we care for them, never bother with basic hygiene, never notice they need food or drinks.
Any of those things as a one-off are not ideal but acceptable. Maybe sometimes you couldn't be bothered to get your kids breakfast because you were busy on your phone - no one is going to take your kids off you for that.
Maybe once they almost got badly injured because you weren't watching them - accidents happen.
But when that's your whole relationship with your children - overall, you ignore their needs, can't be bothered to interact, don't keep them safe - then that is a problem.

OP this is awful. He is neglecting your kids and that’s not ok. Dried snot is one for a brief time but hours of congealed snot is neglect. Not dressing them as one is sick but putting on fresh pjs and washing them isn’t much to expect. Is he is on his phone all the time? If so he needs to get off it as he is putting his kids at risk of harm by being on it. Why were the kids not out in the garden “playing on a lovely day? Is he not interacting with them at all? How is he with food preparation etc? Are things like grapes being cut safely for the kids? Is your 3 year old not eligible for nursery funding yet?

Unfortunately i do know a girl who has to hand her child over to such a duffas several times a week and there’s nothing she can do - been to court several times over it. Id stay until the kids are old enough.

I think tbh you have to try and work with him. Blaiming him won't improve the situation. I think it's pretty commen for 2 parents to parent differently. You have probably become hipper aware due to his lack of it.
I would suggest you both go on a patenting course. Try and tackle this together. Try and have an open dialogue so you're both able to say when your unhappy with something.
I'm just not sure that patenting comes natural to everyone. I just think you have to try everything to improved the situation before making any major changes.
Is he often left alone with the children? Maybe hes not confident? Of course it could just be he's lazy but I think you need to know you have tried everything.

Try hose who say their ex learnt quick - mind didn’t- the older child stepped into the parenting tole when i wasnt there, this meang I couldn’t get cross when shoes were lost, heads banged, etc because “Julie” was looking after him/meant to be watching despite the fact that when we were married id asked him fire nannies for less.

Take away his phone so he has to pay attention to them?

Don’t necessarily tell him, just sneak it in your bag before you leave the house.

It will do you no favours, let alone them, to remain within such an environment where you're doing all the hard work parenting whilst he neglects his children because he CBA with any aspect of them. What does that teach them about relationships and would you want them as adults to have a relationship like this is?. You would want better for both children here.

He does not behave like this at work because his carefully crafted image of Family Man is all important to him.

What does your set up look like. Is he trying to work or sleep after a night shift and childcare? Just trying to see how he works ft but could cover 8.5 hours on a weekday.
Fastest solution is childcare. You get peace of mind they are safe whilst at work.
If you split I’d bet he wouldn’t want them eow too much work.
People picking on the examples given saying not that bad. It comes down to a feeling of trust. Can Op go to work or out feeling confident pre school children are safe. She can’t. That’s not sustainable and will contribute to op’s anxiety.

They need to be in childcare when your working and he needs to pay for it , if he can't be bothered .. Our youngest hates her bum being changed when she's been for a no2 , so if her dad's home he does it , I'm a sahm but when my husband walks though the door we are 50/50 parents , I'm very particular about the house being clean and wouldn't be able to do it alone as we have 4 children , my husband doesn't have enough time to help so we got a cleaner and send our ironing out , he doesn't expect it to me to do it all and neither should your husband expect you to do everything especially as you work , sit him down talk to him and if he doesn't listen leave !

Why can't this man actually work with the OP; this woman's now developed an anxiety problem primarily because of him.

As if such a man would at all go on a parenting course; all this getting him to go on parenting courses and or otherwise train him makes me think I've blundered into Netmums.

DH parents differently to me. He is stricter on things I’m not, his more lenient than things I’m not but at the end of the day I trust him with our children more than anyone else in the world.

Your husband’s behaviour is shameful. I’m so sorry that you’ve found yourself in this position. I’m glad you’ve realised this is dead in the water but I just want to emphasise that staying is not the answer. In 6/7 years there will be something else. There is never a good time to go but there is also never a proper length to stay.

At least if you became a single parent you know your children will be safe in the own home. If he’s as lazy as he seems even EOW will be too taxing for him.

Yep - I've heard all the same excuses. Also from a DH who manages to hold down respectable job and wipe his own nose etc... so is clearly perfectly capable. And clearly demonstrates how capable he is when other people are around. It is just laziness! If he gets away with it for the first hour of the day then this roles into the next hour and suddenly the whole day is gone. I do try to only focus on the actual dangerous stuff (like the time he let them play on the stairs and one fell down) rather than the things that are more a matter of personal standards (wearing PJs).

It may possibly help your anxiety to know that it really won't be long before your kids start giving him some clear feedback! My eldest from about the age of 4 would tell me loudly in his earshot "Daddy just looked at his phone all day", "Daddy hasn't made us any lunch", "Daddy didn't give me a drink" etc... and I may have possibly quietly let her know that she should complain loudly when these things happened...

This has really made him buck up more than anything I could say. Also they both now have a pretty strong opinion on how they should be dressed and they let him know loudly if clothes need changing or turning the right way round. As they get older I think DH starts to see them as actual people who are worth interacting with - rather than mysterious snotty little creatures that are somehow automatically mum's responsibility.