Dh too incompetent to leave him

[Imanidiotiknow]

I’m trapped. My Dh is too stupid to look after the kids on his own, so I can’t leave him and risk them being cared for him eow for instance. I’m just absolutely furious with him.

They’re 3 and 2. Today was a longer day at work than usual for me. I usually work 5 hour shifts and then scoop up the kids when I’m done. Today, however, I had to work 8.5 hours- he clearly didn’t anticipate me having a lunch break. Came down to find ds had snot dried across both cheeks. He’s got a terrible cold and his nose is streaming. Dh mustn’t have wiped it once. I had to use warm water to try and soften it before it came off.
Dd had no bobble in her hair and was walking round lifting up the front section so she could see. He’d given ds calpol but didn’t bother to check if he still actually had a temp. Ds had poo’d in his nappy and just been left.
I was completely disgusted at this point. He apologised and tried to brush it off as all happening in the 5 mins before I came down.
Finished at 4.30 and came down to find them still in pjs. I just despair. The batteries and back of the thermometer were missing, Dh said ds was playing with it. Thankfully they’re just AA batteries but still. What the fuck is he doing.

I realise this is completely inadequate but I feel like I need to tread carefully. If I push him out he will absolutely want to see the dc wherever he goes but I can’t allow it happen. He’s not neglecting them to the extent I think ss would deny unsupervised visits but it’s more than enough for me to not want them out my sight.

Also there was no evidence he’d be such a failure before we had kids. I just don’t know what to do. Incredibly he has a very respectable job, which in paper vs me and my mh issues ( nothing bad but diagnosed anxiety- mainly due to this) means I think he would be given access even if I refused,

Mainly just venting. Agh

@Goldbar

For the batteries, I would have called an ambulance and made him explain to the paramedics that his children might have swallowed batteries due to his negligence. You need to make him face the consequences of his incompetence... if they are hurt or injured (I.e. potential concussion), take them to doctor/hospital as appropriate and be very clear about the cause of their injuries, e.g. dad not giving basic care/supervising properly. Don't cover up for him at all or try to sugar-coat things. Call him out every time he gives them inadequate care.

Called an ambulance Seriously

Oh this brings back memories of dh in our early years. My anxiety steadily increased through near disasters. His whole family were like that, all parented as if it was the 70s. Leaving babies in the car while shopping, saying it did not harm for them to sleep on their front, leaving 6 year olds at home alone. I was always facilitating things so DC were not alone with any of them. I remember phoning home once from a work trip overseas. I could hear the DC fighting in the background. I could tell they were bored and hungry. Dh said 'oh yes, they didn't really have any lunch'.
Somehow we all survived but that combination of neglectful patent and anxious patent is really tough. Much sympathy.

It seems that your husband is that special combination of bone idleness coupled with a complete inability to see and deal with hazards. I suspect he is completely unfixable. I would start preparing to leave in say five years. In the meantime I'd try to document as much stuff as possible. Try to teach your DCs to be as independent as possible and ingrain good habits as soon as you can.

For example, explain why you always have seatbelt on in the car - to keep them safe and stop Mummy and Daddy getting into trouble - they always have their seat belts on in the car. Obviously this is going to go over the head of the two year old but eventually stuff will stick. Start teaching them about escalators - some friend of my mother told me horror stories about them as a child. Hair or fingers being dragged in would be my worst nightmare. I'm not saying you terrify them but make them wary. In time you can encourage the older one to keep an eye on the younger one. Cleaning teeth is another thing to emphasise because your husband won't. Get them in a routine - bribe with special brushes or toothpaste and explain what happens if they don't look after their teeth - they get sore and then they have to have fillings etc. Road crossings should be practised with you - look both ways, use the pedestrian crossing if you can etc.

Duct tape the back of the battery compartment on devices if they can be opened easily without a screwdriver to stop them easily being got at. (He can work out how to get the duct tape off.) Even chewing on an AA battery can cause acid burns. Try to buy only toys or gadgets that have a secure compartment for the batteries. Keep all cleaning stuff under lock and key or in a high cupboard.

In five years time you'll be dealing with an 8 year old and a 7 year so they will be toilet trained and able to wipe their own noses. I'd keep your DD's hair on the shorter side - easier for her to comb and wash and less likely to get stuck in things. By this time your children will know their father is an idiot who can't be relied upon. In fact I'd make sure they knew that - a few wry comments about silly Daddy wouldn't go amiss after some disaster of his making occurs.

How about changing the wifi password while you're at work.

That way he couldn't do whatever he is doing on his phone and he couldn't palm the kids off on the iPads.

When you've both calmed down tell him he needs to empathise with the kids. How would he feel if a parent did the same? Having to look after 2 kids is hard and they're both young. They both constantly need attention. Some things are concerning yet others show he isn't a bad dad he's trying. Maybe write things down for him.

You guys need a conversation!! It sounds like your anxiety is making you over think; he absolutely has not neglected your children!!! Dried snot can be wiped off, hair can be put up and nappy’s can be changed.
Batteries…To all those that induced panic in an already anxious person, shame on you!!

Maybe he doesn’t feel confident in engaging in play activities with the children and doesn’t ‘know’ how to? Some people find it hard! You need to let go of some of your hang ups too. Maybe speak to your GP about your medication? But small steps towards supporting each other to get the best of of being a family, which includes being allowed to make mistakes and learning through doing stuff!

I think you are mostly BU the snot probably was wiped during the day just not as you came down. If dd hair gets in face surely it needs a cut. Calpol is paracetamol it's used for more than temp, I would give calpol for cold symptoms. The only serious thing is the batteries due to choking / internal damage if swallowed. Yet that seemed the thing you were least bothered about! I've been that parent in past who feels dh fails in comparison and it's not a happy place to be for either of you. You need to accept he may not parent exactly the same as you and that's ok, you would fare better if you are a team rather than enemies. If you don't want to be with him fair enough but his children absolutely need a relationship and time with him unless there is more to this that would deem him an unsafe parent.

@navydear
I agree with you on this. I'm surprised by the majority of responses here.
Reading between the lines, little one is ill so I imagine pretty hard work.
I think if a mother posted and said that she had a bad day with a poorly kid and hadn't managed to get them dressed, everyone would say it was fine.

Poo, snot and batteries unacceptable!
I would of hit the roof about the batteries.

I work occasional Saturdays and when I get home there has been an occasion when my daughter is still in her pjs and her hair is wild!
However I know my husband would have played with her all day doing lots of things so I let it go over my head

Id start keep a diary

@navydear

Wow, I only glanced at some replies and seems the mumsnet perfect parents are out in force. Seriously guys, it's snot and hair in the face. Yes, the unchanged nappy would bother me but you don't know how long that nappy was in that state. Please, look at yourself and maybe it's your anxiety but you are massively over reacting talking about separation and visitation schedules. If the shoe was on the other foot and you were maybe having an off day or you were just plain tired, how would you feel if your dh burst through the door fuming about a nappy and a snotty nose? Give the man a break, did he feed them? I'm sure he did, did he supervise them playing, yes no one died. Did you even stop to think that he may have played with them, read to them, enjoyed their presence??? Maybe your kids had a lovely day with their dad despite the snots and poo. You need to address your mental health and I mean this in a very kind way. Both your kids are at very busy ages and it can be a very stressful time for families at this phase. Try to relax some more and realise that he is not you and he is his own person and maybe the things that bothered you didn't occur to him to be as urgent. I'm not excusing his lack of attention but your reaction has been way way over the top. To break up your family over trivial matters would be heartbreaking for your kids. Try to work on calming your initial reactions to things, even stepping out of the room and locking yourself in the bathroom to get some head space and then returning and have a discussion about caring for the kids hygiene and it's importance. Even the language you use calling him stupid, it sounds like you were still fuming when writing this post. I really hope you get support for your anxiety, it can be exhausting to deal with anxiety and is not a nice place to be in.

Agree with this. You sound really controlling of him.

I've not read every single response you have had but from the ones I've seen, it didn't look like anyone has suggested working with him to improve his parenting skills. Look, at some point you loved this man enough to want to live with him, to have sex with him, to have children with him. He is now clearly struggling with an aspect of the life you both built together (presumably out of free choice on both sides). Parenting is really hard, for everyone. Surely a better option than waiting it out for years or trying to log every shortfall in order to keep him away from sole charge when you split, is simply working with him on gently recognising where and how he needs to improve. You are good at something he is struggling with. It makes sense for you to help him get those skills up. Find that compassion you would have had if he were struggling with a big change earlier on in your relationship. Combine that with the patience and kindness you would apply to a new employee who isn't quite trained up. Of course, he needs to be willing to change. So ascertaining that is your first step.

Op I sympathise I really do. My ex husband also showed zero signs of being such a shit parent before he actually became one. I've point blank refused him unsupervised access and he takes them to his mums for the measly few hours he has them.
Mine are older. The teen is ok but youngest 2 have sen and mental ages of 3 and 4 .

Oh dear. I can understand why you are worried.

I am not excusing any of this but I wonder if either parenting classes or some couples therapy might help with his understanding of the issues and make it less you vs him.

Have you considered that he may have a MH issue too?

Hmm, the thing about playing with batteries is worrying, but you yourself didn't seem to think that ds could have put them in his mouth. You obviously didn't think this was a risk as you weren't bothered about seeking medical attention.

The other stuff seems like you're making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. The snot isn't great, but it wouldn't exactly do ds any harm, and maybe your dh felt that it was annoying for your ds to constantly have his face wiped or something. The bobble and the pyjamas - no big deal at all, I don't see why they needed to get dressed when ds is clearly poorly and they're not going anywhere. Not taking the temperature - again, not really an issue as long as he was monitoring ds in other ways, which he presumably was because he decided to give him calpol. And the dirty happy - he might have only just done the poo at the point that you came down, so again, no big deal.

Doing things differently to how you would have done them doesn't necessarily mean that he's doing things wrong. When I read your thread title and opening paragraph, I must say that I was expecting something much worse than a bit of snot/lack of a hair bobble!

The concerning thing is the Calpol and battery situation. The rest is learning how to coordinate and parent but won’t physically harm the kids. If you’ve done most of the care to date it will take a while for him to develop his own routines. He will need a bit of space to do this and will likely make many mistakes in the process.

In essence, you need to wholly pass responsibility over and let the mistakes happen, not stepping in to rescue unless serious harm could be caused (run over, swallowing batteries, drowning). It will probably take 6 months or so for him to find his feet.

Can you have a sensible conversation with him OP? The fact he had the rabbit in headlights look, means he OS doing it on purpose and was caught out. Otherwise he'd have looked normal.

Can you talk him through the basic necessities, including safety. I kniw this is ridiculous, but you need to point it out to him.

The snow, pjs, hair bobble are all things that happen daily for some sadly. It doesn't make it alright though.

I think in your shoes I would tell the GP what the actual issue is, tell the HV too and tell him you want him to take parenting classes. Maybe even book them and get evidence of having done so. Make plans to separate and leave him.
I would bet he would either want contact with them at yours or not bother at all when actual push comes to actual shove.

Failing that, wait a couple of years until they are that bit older.

Being left in a shitty nappy? Dried snot all over their face? In pyjamas at 430pm? Is that generally ok by anyones standards??

Calm the farm! The batteries and shitty nappy is the only issue. Nappy may or may not be situational, the child may have done it in the 2mins before OP came down or it may have been 2hrs before, without knowing that can’t say (obviously one is okay, one is not).

Everything else is fine, not to OPs standards but fine. Kids that age with a runny nose get snot drip constantly, sometimes it really is a choice between hovering and wiping every minute or admitting defeat and going for once every few hours larger clean, especially if they are one of those kids that don’t like having their noses/faces wiped.

PJ’s at 4.30- why not? If I don’t have to go out and am off for the day that’s how you’d find me at 4.30 most likely. When my kids were young that’s what they’d be wearing on a home day with a fresh set put on after they’d messed them even more with dinner. Never hurt any kid.

I don't think the OP is over-reacting about the Calpol, the unwiped snotty nose or the nappy. It sounds like he's not put any thought into the Calpol, bothering to read instructions, take temperature etc and not bothered at all with nose wiping or nappy changing all day probably hoping the OP will magically appear a lot earlier than she did and do it for him.

Obviously he won't let the DC come to harm if they all just sit staring at screens waiting for the OP to reappear to literally deal with the shitty parts of parenting but it's not being a competent, engaged parent is it?

Maybe you need to have a conversation about this? I know you shouldn't have to, but surely he knows that everyone sitting staring at screens isn't healthy and it's not a good habit to model with preschoolers?

OP if you seriously want to give him one last chance, maybe spend as much time parenting together as is available, evenings, weekends, the coming bank holidays and literally take it in turns with things like nappies, snotty noses, taking to the toilet/toilet training, getting ready for days out, etc etc and if you do something like this then when you start thinking about it needing to be done again, say to him 'your turn' and let him work out which child you mean, what needs doing and then him doing it?

Make him realise how much constant thought is going on in your head and make it so he knows that all these things just don't happen by magic.

OP, why are you so sure he will want to have the children if you leave?

Men like this will the same when they don’t have a woman doing everything for them.

I really doubt he will see the kids that often and that’s it’s better to push him out.

I would not be happy especially about the batteries!
If you are going to stay with him until the children are older would it be possible to put them in nursery? Would your 3 year old get free funding? I don’t think I could trust him after the battery incident.

Would he want to see the children anyway if you split? He sounds lazy rather than just incompetent, I wouldnt be too fussed on the dried bogies (toddler crust) or hair bobble, but the rest of the stuff is common sense. Come on he knows he should change a pooey nappy, he just couldn't be arsed. Your life will be so much better if you leave his pathetic self

Did he have a bad childhood, poor care, and he is sort of punishing them - if it was good enough for me it's good enough for them.
In which case counselling about his own issues could maybe help.
What he is doing is not just careless imv it is deliberate.

I don't think anything in your op is massively awful apart from the batteries. However they are still low standards, unless its a pj day or we are both ill our kids are up and dressed. There is no excuse for leaving a child in a t-shirt with dried milk on it, it would have been uncomfortable while wet and takes less than a minute to change. He's either overwhelmed as he doesn't take care of them on his own enough without you telling him what to do or he's an arse who thinks it should be down to you so is being passive aggressive. I'd have it out with him, so when you came down at lunch I would have said something about them still being in their clothes at lunchtime. I'd have then piped up at the end of the day when your child had snot on it's face. Do you not talk or communicate at all?

My dh asked why I hadn't changed baby's clothes after breakfast,I had to plonk her down to help the eldest get dressed. I told him I was helping the eldest and was going to give baby a bath. No issues, all dealt with.