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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am housing my BF of 3 years and he’s using OKCupid.

187 replies

bibera1 · 16/03/2022 08:59

My bf admitted to using OKCupid, we have recently broken up, although most of our relationship has consisted of us functionally dating while he denies that we’re together.

We have a good time together, exchange great affection and intimacy and truly he is the greatest love of my life, but I feel that it’s a betrayal of him to use dating sites while I’m paying to housing him for free.

He has nowhere else to go as he was kicked out by his mother. I am absolutely gutted. One minute we’re in love, the next we’re not. I don’t know what to do.

If I kick him out it’s like coercion to be in a relationship and I don’t know the mortality or legality of that.

I’m in so much pain. I’m in hell. It hurts to breathe.

OP posts:

beattieedny · 16/03/2022 09:00

Jesus Christ get him out. He's using your good nature. He's the definition of a cock lodger. Anyone who has treated you like that is NOT the love of your life.

beattieedny · 16/03/2022 09:01

Also ask yourself why his mum kicked him out.

hoadinthetole · 16/03/2022 09:02

Kick him out and block him. He's a waste of space who is using you.
There's probably someone on here who will come along with a better explanation of what he's doing to you but this is a form of control.
He obviously has no respect for you or your feelings, this isn't love.
Get rid and don't look back

Weenurse · 16/03/2022 09:03

Kick him out

MrsMoastyToasty · 16/03/2022 09:04

He has nowhere to go? That's his problem, not yours!

Mumdiva99 · 16/03/2022 09:07

What the he'll is functionally dating? You think you are because you go on dates, have sex, he tells you what you want to hear. He says you aren't because heusing you for sex whilst still looking for someone better. (In his opinion....I'm not saying you aren't good enough).

Get some self respect and improve your self esteem. Kick him out now. He is a user. He's a waste of space. He doesn't improve your life.

You are worth more than that. You are worth a man that worships you. A man that shout from the roof tops you are his girl. A man that builds you up and supports you.

Please don't settle for this.

Original poster

bibera1 · 16/03/2022 09:07

I should also add that he's staying with my mother in my old room while I pay half his rent (we split it into £250) to her, and he's about 100 miles away.

I love him but it just leaves a really bad taste in my mouth to be paying to house someone who is actively looking elsewhere? I've been an extremely tolerant and devoted girlfriend for the last 3 years, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

lemongreentea · 16/03/2022 09:08

If I kick him out it’s like coercion to be in a relationship and I don’t know the mortality or legality of that.

what does that mean?

hes using you for somewhere to sleep.
hes on a dating app
why is your self esteem and self worth so low to accept this.

kick him out not your problem if he has no where to go.

ReacherMargrave · 16/03/2022 09:08

You and your family kick him out. He is an adult and can find somewhere else to live. If worse comes to worse he can go to the council and say he is homeless! Cut ties with him OP!

Popetthetreehugger · 16/03/2022 09:08

For the love of god , kick him out now !! Today this moment . He is vile and too stupid to know he’s on to an amazing thing . It’s not your responsibility to house him . Raise your bar , you are worth so much more . You are worth love , compassion, loyalty. Get him out of the door and make room for a fresh start 💐

NowEvenBetter · 16/03/2022 09:08

‘He has nowhere to go’
So fucking what? That’s his problem. He can figure out a way to house himself like every other grown adult. No need for arguments or drama, just remove him from your property, if he resists, the police can remove him. Enjoy your life.

Theyulelog · 16/03/2022 09:09

The only one in denial about this relationship is you op.
He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t want a relationship with you. He is using you for free bed and board and you are accepting his crumbs of affection as payment.
Find your self respect and kick him out and get rid of him out of your life, right now.
You could be dating someone who values you and treats you with respect, who is willing to offer you all that you want.
You don’t have to prove your love and kindness to this tosser who is taking the pure piss out of you.
He has nowhere to go? Well that’s his problem, he’s an adult…he can March his ass down to the council.
Get rid.

StringFellow · 16/03/2022 09:09

Is it your property that you own/rent in your name only? How long has he been living there with you?

most of our relationship has consisted of us functionally dating while he denies that we’re together. he’s absolutely not the love of your life, you can do so much better than this

lemongreentea · 16/03/2022 09:09

@bibera1

I should also add that he's staying with my mother in my old room while I pay half his rent (we split it into £250) to her, and he's about 100 miles away.

stop paying your mum. get her to kick him out. please stop being taken for advantage of

Beamur · 16/03/2022 09:10

He's not the love of your life.
Nor is his accomodation your responsibility.
He's behaving appallingly towards you. Get some self esteem and show him the door. You really deserve much better.

HeddaGarbled · 16/03/2022 09:10

Did the point when he stopped denying you were in a relationship coincide with him being kicked out by his mum, by any chance?

RantyAunty · 16/03/2022 09:10

Is he working at all?

Of course kick him out.
He can find a room with someone else and pay for it himself like an adult.

You manage to pay for yourself. He can too.

NowEvenBetter · 16/03/2022 09:10

*have your mother remove him from her property. Is there a reason why your standards are so low? Do you need to work on developing self esteem?

MauveMavis · 16/03/2022 09:11

What the fuck.

Why on earth are you paying his rent.
Does he have a gold plated penis?

What exactly does he contribute? Not financially. He is actively seeking sec elsewhere? Detracts from your emotional well-being.

Get some self respect and dump the fucker. Stop paying his rent snd tell your Mum you are going to do so so she can get him to leave before he runs up lots of arrears.

Being single really isn’t worth taking all this shit to avoid.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/03/2022 09:11

I think you are confusing love here with codependency and you are likely codependent. Why are his needs apparantly more important than yours?.

And why is your mother housing him at all?!!!.

Original poster

bibera1 · 16/03/2022 09:11

No. We go through periods of being 'dating', we drift in and out depending on how he feels, but for the last 3 years we have been a couple functionally.

OP posts:

BeanStew22 · 16/03/2022 09:13

Kick him out!!! He’s sleeping in your bed, eating your food & lying on your sofa chatting up the next girl/mug!

He is NOT the love of your life - you can do better

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/03/2022 09:14

You need to get off this merry go around because this is really going nowhere.

What did you learn yourself about relationships when you were growing up?. How is it you've accepted such a poor relationship model in the shape of this person?.

Original poster

bibera1 · 16/03/2022 09:18

He doesn't work, no.

OP posts:

Chloemol · 16/03/2022 09:19

Grow up
He is using you
Tell him it’s now over, he has one week to collect his stuff, and move out

Stop paying for anything

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