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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I am housing my BF of 3 years and he’s using OKCupid.

187 replies

bibera1 · 16/03/2022 08:59

My bf admitted to using OKCupid, we have recently broken up, although most of our relationship has consisted of us functionally dating while he denies that we’re together.

We have a good time together, exchange great affection and intimacy and truly he is the greatest love of my life, but I feel that it’s a betrayal of him to use dating sites while I’m paying to housing him for free.

He has nowhere else to go as he was kicked out by his mother. I am absolutely gutted. One minute we’re in love, the next we’re not. I don’t know what to do.

If I kick him out it’s like coercion to be in a relationship and I don’t know the mortality or legality of that.

I’m in so much pain. I’m in hell. It hurts to breathe.

OP posts:
WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 16/03/2022 11:10

You want him to move into a spare room and pay rent?

You know he will take other women back and shag them in your home right?

He is treating you like shit already, he has made you feel responsible for him, he will not change this.

MermaidEyes · 16/03/2022 11:12

@FullBush

Is it just me or is the OP posts all over the place? So much drip feedConfused

Hmmmm 😒

bibera1 · 16/03/2022 11:12

£500 after mortgage, council tax, food, holiday savings (£150), etc.

OP posts:
spacehardware · 16/03/2022 11:12

Yes well if wishes were horses all beggars would ride

Stop wasting your time wishing this bloke would magically start behaving decently, and find one that already does. It's much less effort. Dick is plentiful and low value, honestly, there's nothing special about this one at all

MermaidEyes · 16/03/2022 11:13

@bibera1

id rather be a helpless rentoid stuck in a 1 bed flat and have a loving bf. god i would give anything for him to actually be decent

Then find one, there are plenty out there when you're not wasting your time with tossers.

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/03/2022 11:15

You’ve just spent four pages telling us that he doesn’t work and that you pay his rent. Have you forgotten? How is he supposed to help you with your mortgage and bills?

OhMygodddd · 16/03/2022 11:15

Buckle up Buttercup! Your about to learn some hard lessons! Your young and everyone makes mistakes so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Kick him out, this isn’t love, you will discover that when you do really find love.

Badbaddog · 16/03/2022 11:16

Get a bloody grip

MermaidEyes · 16/03/2022 11:16

@ComtesseDeSpair

You’ve just spent four pages telling us that he doesn’t work and that you pay his rent. Have you forgotten? How is he supposed to help you with your mortgage and bills?

Think OP should be writing notes to keep the story straight

Pinkbonbon · 16/03/2022 11:17

I should add op that between 17 and 21 I was in a 'sorta' relationship with someone too. By that I mean, I loved him but he would never let me know where I stood. We functioned as a relationship yes, he acted like we were in one but, we weren't. He would tell mutual friends that we were just mates.

About two years in, he started name dropping another 'friend' and my heart felt like he had it in a vice grip. What I could I do, I couldn't say anything because 'we're just mates' and I didn't want to look like a crazy possessive weirdo.

And of course, that's why they do it. That's why they never make things official. So if something else they like the look of comes along they can just add her to their portfolio.

So I stepped back a but and paired it back to only friendship. It hurt like a bitch but I wasn't ready to walk away. But then, a funny thing happened...I started to realise, that as a person, I didn't like him. That he was a lousy friend, and had been even worse as anything more.

He was selfish, mean, went out if his way to ruin things I looked forwards to and would slang off the new lass he was seeing one minute and then try to compare me unfavorably with her the rest!

I fell out of love with him and I realised, I wouldn't ever choose someone like this as a friend. So why on earth would I want them to be my partner?!

As I've got older I've learned that I will never stay with someone who isn't proud to have me as their partner. Because I would never treat anyone like that. I have basic moral fibre...and a heart. And people who don't want to see or acknowledge your worth, don't belong in our lives.

And incase it was a worry: you are good enough.
It's him that isn't good enough for you.
Your feelings matter. Your needs matter. And anyone who cannot see your worth, is not worth your time.

isthismylifenow · 16/03/2022 11:19

@bibera1

id rather be a helpless rentoid stuck in a 1 bed flat and have a loving bf. god i would give anything for him to actually be decent
C'mon.

A rentoid.....

This was a bit too far I am afraid.

Thoosa · 16/03/2022 11:22

@ComtesseDeSpair

You’ve just spent four pages telling us that he doesn’t work and that you pay his rent. Have you forgotten? How is he supposed to help you with your mortgage and bills?
Don’t apply logic. We just have to be kind. Or something. Smile
DockOTheBay · 16/03/2022 11:23

@bibera1

No. We go through periods of being 'dating', we drift in and out depending on how he feels, but for the last 3 years we have been a couple functionally.
You're not a couple if he is looking on dating sites for someone else
Suzi888 · 16/03/2022 11:24

He’s using YOU.
Stop that! Get him out, he’s wasting your time OP. Flowers

PunishmentSnart · 16/03/2022 11:27

This can’t be real…..

Eviebeans · 16/03/2022 11:28

He may be the love of your life but you are clearly not the love of his life. Im not sure what exactly you are getting out of this relationship. He really needs to go.

Turniptracker · 16/03/2022 11:29
Biscuit
dottydodah · 16/03/2022 11:29

Out Out Out! WTF? He is royally using you and why is your mum putting up with it also.Frankly bizarre! You are not being an extremely tolerant GF youre being taken for a mug! Please just break up with him and a week or two to leave Mums (Tops)!

Sparkling321 · 16/03/2022 11:29

If he doesnt work, how is he going to pay the bills??
Be careful, if he can prove hes been living there and contributing to the bills, he might stake a claim on the house as its not officially a tenancy? Just kick him to the kerb and start a fresh

TrooBloo · 16/03/2022 11:30

How can you not know what to do?

This post has to be a complete effing joke.

BestestBrownies · 16/03/2022 11:33

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BestestBrownies · 16/03/2022 11:33

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SamphiretheStickerist · 16/03/2022 11:34

@bibera1

The thing is, I'm about to buy a 3 bed maisonette, and I could really use his help with the bills. He was going to move into one of the spare rooms upstairs and pay the energy bills for me.

Is there no way we could just stay friends/roommates so that I don't have to live alone or pay everything on my own?

You need to grow up, sometime in the next half hour.

You are 22 and he has been with you for 3 years. You simply don't know how a real relationship is supposed to work.

So take a deep breath and say out loud "being a good fuck is not enough" and maybe "I am a fully functioning adult. Self supporting, working, advancing myself. He is squatting in my old bedroom and I am paying for him to do so"

Finish with "Fuck! I can do better than this"

Then go to your mum's and get him packed and out. He isn't a tenant, he is barely a lodger, and as such can be removed with minimal notice. That is the legal position. He has very, very few rights and can be put out for no reason other than your mum wants him out of her house.

Morally, well. He is a cock lodger. You are a soft hearted dupe. Find your anger and get rid of him.

Come on, you can do it...

Scbchl · 16/03/2022 11:34

Why doesn't he work?

How do you expect him to give you more than he costs when you pay your mum to house him?

Him being there all day using your gas and electric will cost you more than the house being empty during the day 🙄

ImInStealthMode · 16/03/2022 11:39

@bibera1

The thing is, I'm about to buy a 3 bed maisonette, and I could really use his help with the bills. He was going to move into one of the spare rooms upstairs and pay the energy bills for me.

Is there no way we could just stay friends/roommates so that I don't have to live alone or pay everything on my own?

You can't be fucking serious?

A) pay your bills how, if he doesn't work and you're already paying his rent?

B) how are you going to feel when he starts bringing his poor unfortunate OK Cupid matches back for sex?

Every time I think we've seen the lowest bar for Men on this forum along comes someone else who's buried it another foot deeper into the core of the earth.

Stop being a doormat and an ATM OP. Buy your place, get a proper lodger if you want, chuck this guy out of your Mums place and forget he ever existed.