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Original poster

I am housing my BF of 3 years and he’s using OKCupid.

187 replies

bibera1 · 16/03/2022 08:59

My bf admitted to using OKCupid, we have recently broken up, although most of our relationship has consisted of us functionally dating while he denies that we’re together.

We have a good time together, exchange great affection and intimacy and truly he is the greatest love of my life, but I feel that it’s a betrayal of him to use dating sites while I’m paying to housing him for free.

He has nowhere else to go as he was kicked out by his mother. I am absolutely gutted. One minute we’re in love, the next we’re not. I don’t know what to do.

If I kick him out it’s like coercion to be in a relationship and I don’t know the mortality or legality of that.

I’m in so much pain. I’m in hell. It hurts to breathe.

OP posts:
Original poster
bibera1 · 16/03/2022 13:23

i wish it was

OP posts:
badkitty · 16/03/2022 13:26

If he moves in to your new house you will never get rid of him. You will end up looking after him, cleaning for him, doing his laundry, feeding him. Apart from the domestic labour you will, I guarantee, be buying all his food etc - this will way outweigh any contribution which you hopehe might make towards the bills (because let's face it, it doesn't sound likely that he will cover them). Financially supporting two people costs a lot more than one.

Well done you to have been approved for a mortgage on your own at your age - this could be the beginning of a life of financial independence for you (even if things are a bit tight for the first couple of years - which is (a) completely normal at 22 and (B) could be solved by renting out a bedroom to a proper lodger).

You will find someone else once you have this useless man out of your life completely. If he moves in not only will you be financially screwed, your self respect will be destroyed and you will be unable to move on and find someone much better. I know there are some harsh comments on this thread but they all offer the same good advice - get rid of him.

chemicalworld · 16/03/2022 13:36

I didn't have positive examples of relationships as I was growing up and I had a boyfriend a bit like yours. We broke up, kept sleeping together and I eventually moved away and he followed me to a different country. We lived together as friends (I know, I know) and the inevitable happened. We were still sleeping together and he bought back people to shag whilst I was in the next room. I wish I'd had mumsnet back then to give me advice as no one guided me and I had to find my own way through the mess and work out why I had allowed myself to be treated in the way that I had.

Suffice to say, I left - and moved away. I wasted good time on him but also learnt a valuable lesson.

This man doesn't care for you in the way that he should do. He won't call you his girlfriend. You are looking for excuses to keep in touch with him. You've wasted enough time on this man and could get a single girl your age to move into your house with. That would be a far better solution than carrying on with this.

EatSleepReplete · 16/03/2022 13:42

He’s using you for the free space to sleep. Stop acting like a mug & tell him to find somewhere else to stay. He need to move out immediately.

If you need help with finding the full rental costs, get a lodger or something. Can you flat share? Practically anything would be better than your current situation. It’s not like he’s actually even paying his way. And he’s exposing you to the risk of STDs. Have you been tested recently?

SpiceRat · 16/03/2022 13:46

@bibera1

id rather be a helpless rentoid stuck in a 1 bed flat and have a loving bf. god i would give anything for him to actually be decent
But you don’t have a loving boyfriend. You have an lazy jobless arsehole sponging off you while messaging and I presume shagging other women. Come on op, ditch the loser and work on your self esteem, no one deserves this.
MrsMoastyToasty · 16/03/2022 14:22

You say he is the love of your life.
No, the fantasy is that he is this.
The reality tells us a different story.

BoredZelda · 16/03/2022 14:49

No. We go through periods of being 'dating', we drift in and out depending on how he feels, but for the last 3 years we have been a couple functionally.

Why on earth do people put up with this sort of shit?

Throw him out.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 16/03/2022 14:59

He's using you and you are paying for his company Literally and emotionally
Get rid and then you can pay your bills with the £250 you're currently spending on this loser

ChickenStripper · 16/03/2022 15:01

@bibera1

No. We go through periods of being 'dating', we drift in and out depending on how he feels, but for the last 3 years we have been a couple functionally.
What do you mean by "functionally"?
Sloth66 · 16/03/2022 16:01

You think you’re a couple, he clearly doesn’t.
He’s using you in quite a shocking way.
Seriously why are you tolerating this? Get support to get him out of your life. So what if he’s homeless, it’s not your problem and he’s not your responsibility.

layladomino · 16/03/2022 19:00

This man is not the love of your life.

Does he make you feel loved? And by that I mean - when someone loves you they have eyes for noone else, they want to spend lots of time with you, they support you and share the workload of life, they take opportunities to show you how much they care, they respect you as an equal, always honest, always trustworthy, always caring.

Whereas this man sounds lazy, selfish, a user, not that bothered other than in what he can get out of you.

He isn't showing you love. He is treating you like a doormat. He is activiely seeking another woman. Do you think that is love? You deserve so much better.

Your mum should ask him to leave. Stop paying for stuff for him. Let him stand on his own two feet - he is a grown up, the same as you. And why on earth would you want to love with him? I would rather be single and live in a smaller place, than live with someone who has no care for me and is using me so he gets a cheap roof over his head.

You really need to cut all ties with this user. And in future, remember that in a healthy relationship, with a decent person, you both put in the same effort, you look after each other, support each other, care for each others' wellbeing and happiness.

You deserve so much better.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 16/03/2022 19:07

You know other people can be lodgers right? Not only shitty ex boyfriends?

Nnique · 16/03/2022 19:09

Look.

Giving you the benefit of the doubt, quite reluctantly because this just seems too hairy handed...

This might be one of the hardest lessons you have to learn in life. The sooner you learn it, the better:

Do. Not. Beg. For. Crumbs. From a man.

Ever.

If he doesn’t treat you well then he doesn’t get to be with you. Simple as that.

No one needs a boyfriend that badly.

Shoxfordian · 16/03/2022 19:24

Stop being a mug

Onthemaintrunkline · 16/03/2022 20:14

This is not said unkindly, but I cannot believe in this day and age there are still women around like you. Why would you allow someone to treat you like this, (a convenience) because that’s what you are…his convenience. He doesn’t give a monkeys about you, despite what garbage he feeds you. For your own sake, realise this, retreat, raise the drawbridge, kaput, goodbye. And when/if the next user comes along hopefully this experience will allow you to spot it and run.

IrishKatie1971 · 16/03/2022 20:16

Is this real? Buying a large home at 22 and you'll still have £500 left over and you're not happy about that?

Bloody hell I'm absolutely in the wrong sodding job.

Apart from your toxic user of a supposed "boyfriend".

Haffiana · 16/03/2022 20:19

@bibera1

id rather be a helpless rentoid stuck in a 1 bed flat and have a loving bf. god i would give anything for him to actually be decent
Well you already are giving everything, aren't you OP? You are paying for cock. Paying for the illusion of having a boyfriend.

What you can't do is turn a cock into a decent BF, no matter how much money you throw at it. It won't value you for throwing money at it, it will simply understand that you are a complete fool and a sucker and it will respect you exactly as much as you respect yourself.

TooManyPJs · 16/03/2022 20:28

@bibera1

I should also add that he's staying with my mother in my old room while I pay half his rent (we split it into £250) to her, and he's about 100 miles away.

I love him but it just leaves a really bad taste in my mouth to be paying to house someone who is actively looking elsewhere? I've been an extremely tolerant and devoted girlfriend for the last 3 years, I don't know what to do.

Get some self respect?

Sorry OP but really? He totally has you exactly where he wants you doesn't he?

He's fucking using you. Kick him out and don't look back. You deserve so much better.

GettingItOutThere · 16/03/2022 20:30

@bibera1

The thing is, I'm about to buy a 3 bed maisonette, and I could really use his help with the bills. He was going to move into one of the spare rooms upstairs and pay the energy bills for me.

Is there no way we could just stay friends/roommates so that I don't have to live alone or pay everything on my own?

are you 12? has the school holidays started early ? because this has to be a joke?

if you are serious - raise your standards in men because this one is a cocklodger.

get another room mate - plenty out there

IrishKatie1971 · 16/03/2022 20:32

I think this is a wind-up. The nasty comment about being a "helpless rentoid".

Nobody with a good and well-paying job who has been approved for a mortgage, so is clearly financially savvy would talk like this. Nor would they rationally expect a man who they are paying for, who does not work, furthermore, to make a contribution to household expenses. It is totally illogical.

I call troll.

IrishKatie1971 · 16/03/2022 20:33

There seem to be quite a few odd posts in a similar vein on here lately. Is it done deliberately to "pad out" the board? Or are these trolls or hackers of some sort ... possibly?

MermaidEyes · 16/03/2022 20:51

@IrishKatie1971

There seem to be quite a few odd posts in a similar vein on here lately. Is it done deliberately to "pad out" the board? Or are these trolls or hackers of some sort ... possibly?

I've noticed this. Aibu used to be full of these kinds of posts, you could guarantee every third post was a piss take, but now they seem to be taking over Relationships too

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/03/2022 21:13

@IrishKatie1971

There seem to be quite a few odd posts in a similar vein on here lately. Is it done deliberately to "pad out" the board? Or are these trolls or hackers of some sort ... possibly?
Needs a Turing Test.
JamieNorthlife · 16/03/2022 21:30

My bet is on childish man Troll.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 16/03/2022 21:31

@Cloudsanddaffodils

His mom kicked him out because he's a useless chump. You should do the same. He's a user and a cocklodger and you must raise your standards and your self esteem. Get him gone, block him and move on with your life!
I love this post.

The guy is a bell end and a waste of space. Doesn't work, scrounges, plays games, lazy, bet he does Jack S**t around the house too. I really don't see the point.

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