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Original poster

I am housing my BF of 3 years and he’s using OKCupid.

187 replies

bibera1 · 16/03/2022 08:59

My bf admitted to using OKCupid, we have recently broken up, although most of our relationship has consisted of us functionally dating while he denies that we’re together.

We have a good time together, exchange great affection and intimacy and truly he is the greatest love of my life, but I feel that it’s a betrayal of him to use dating sites while I’m paying to housing him for free.

He has nowhere else to go as he was kicked out by his mother. I am absolutely gutted. One minute we’re in love, the next we’re not. I don’t know what to do.

If I kick him out it’s like coercion to be in a relationship and I don’t know the mortality or legality of that.

I’m in so much pain. I’m in hell. It hurts to breathe.

OP posts:
dottydodah · 16/03/2022 11:41

22 Youre young babe ,dont please waste your life like this! My DD was in a similar so called RL .Got out and hasnt looked back .I think he was quite possibly your first real BF maybe? and you think you cant imagine life without him/you wont be able to cope ,and neither will he? Newsflash you will ,and you are not responsible for him in any way at all! Lots more fishes all swimming around, at 22 you will reel in a much nicer one (or ones!)

Bananalanacake · 16/03/2022 11:41

How long has he been out of work, is he actually looking?

diddl · 16/03/2022 11:42

@bibera1

I'm 22 and it just seemed like what we have is very sincere and romantic, I don't know how or why he would sabotage it like this
Because he doesn't care about you.
Friedel · 16/03/2022 11:44

This reply has been deleted

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dottydodah · 16/03/2022 11:46

Bibera please have a lady lodger (one who works!) and remember that a useless tosser like BF(soon to be ex BF!) will probably doss around and soak up all the electric on Playstation /TV whatever ! So no real help with energy or anything else

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/03/2022 11:52

@bibera1

I can afford it or I wouldn't have been approved for a mortgage, I would just prefer to live with someone and have someone pitch in. In case you were somehow unaware, there is an energy crisis at the moment.
If you're unwilling to listen to all the advice on here and are going to steam ahead with this shitshow of a relationship then knock yourself out but stop having your poor mum involved in this.

It's one thing having a shit boyfriend live with you in your new home but it's unbelievable to rope your mum into having him live in her spare room so you need to end that immediately.

Why doesn't he work? What possible reason is there for him to think his on/off girlfriend and her mum should fund his life?

Siepie · 16/03/2022 11:52

although most of our relationship has consisted of us functionally dating while he denies that we’re together.

He’s not your boyfriend. It’s only a relationship if both people agree it is. If he denies you’re together then you’re not together. You can’t unilaterally decide that someone is your boyfriend.

So since he’s not your boyfriend, why are you housing this random man? Stop paying his rent. Let your mum kick him out.

Crimesean · 16/03/2022 11:53

There are LOADS of decent men out there. Sticking with this loser is preventing you from finding a kind, decent, solvent bloke who will love and cherish you - something this loser clearly doesn't.

He is using you.

You obviously have very low self-esteem - has this always been the case, or only since you've been 'together'? If it's always been low, if you can, I'd advise some counselling to work on your self-esteem before entering into a new relationship, as awful men can spot a target a mile off.

This is not a normal, or happy, or loving relationship, and you are worth so much more. Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/03/2022 11:53

@bibera1

I can afford the bills I just want to have a bit more than £500 left over after my paycheck each month. I don't -need- a housemate to afford it.
Have him then.

It's a stupid thing to do but have him and let your mum be free from a horrible bloke living in her spare room just because he's intermittently shagging her daughter.

Nanny0gg · 16/03/2022 11:55

@bibera1

I can afford the bills I just want to have a bit more than £500 left over after my paycheck each month. I don't -need- a housemate to afford it.
So get a female housemate/lodger
Nanny0gg · 16/03/2022 11:57

@bibera1

id rather be a helpless rentoid stuck in a 1 bed flat and have a loving bf. god i would give anything for him to actually be decent
Well, he isn't

So do something about it

Redcrayons · 16/03/2022 11:58

@bibera1

I can afford the bills I just want to have a bit more than £500 left over after my paycheck each month. I don't -need- a housemate to afford it.
Stop paying his rent and you’re already up £250.

He’s looking for other women whilst mooching off you. It isn’t going to get better than that.

You’re so young, don’t waste anymore of your youth on this man.

RockinHorseShit · 16/03/2022 12:02

He's a cocklodger who has massively abused your trust & disrespected you.

Grow a bloody backbone & some self respect woman & turf the user out on his ear. You were in love with a fantasy, the reality of this man does not deserve your time, let alone your love

Opentooffers · 16/03/2022 12:04

You have more money than sense girl. Chucking money at a guy and giving them an easy life, doesn't make them love you. In fact, it does the opposite, he doesn't even respect you. It's very clear as day to anyone of sound mind, that he has never loved you. So, you love him, so what? Pointless it is to love someone who doesn't love you back, the sooner you get that the better.
Get a lodger for your new place, you'll be far better off. Every day you waste on this guy is delaying finding a man that will love you back, your wasting your youth on this hopeless case.

scoobydoo1971 · 16/03/2022 12:05

Cocklodger who doesn't even pretend you are his girlfriend. There are plenty of losers out there in the world, don't adopt this one. He is not the love of your life. But saying that is your problem, not his. Get therapy to raise your self confidence and never let a man mooch off you. The fact he is jobless, a scrounger, his ma doesn't want him and he is using OLD while lodging with you for free makes him the 22 carat gold loser who will drag your life to the gutter. He has no respect for anyone, not you, not him...not anyone. Single life is great compared to this, and you will have more £££ in your pocket. Renting a spare room is tax free income. Imagine having kids with this loser and being saddled with him for life. You are not a social worker, change the locks and kick him out. If he gets nasty, the police will remove him for you if you highlight financial abuse.

throughtheair · 16/03/2022 12:06

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AnotherForumUser · 16/03/2022 12:10

@bibera1

The thing is, I'm about to buy a 3 bed maisonette, and I could really use his help with the bills. He was going to move into one of the spare rooms upstairs and pay the energy bills for me.

Is there no way we could just stay friends/roommates so that I don't have to live alone or pay everything on my own?

His mum throwing him out is a red flag in most cases. If his mum doesn't want him in her home then why would anyone else put up with him. Don't let this parasite in your new home even as a flatmate. He is depending on you accepting his contemptible behaviour and it will get worse. He will leech off you and make you feel as if you are at fault if you raise any issues. You deserve better than this man. Kick him out of your life. But if you are worried about bills why not continue with the purchase and look for a lodger if you are stretched by the cost of living. There are all sorts of people looking for a room. Look on spareroom.com, it has details of people seeking rooms and you can advertise too.
PurplePinecone · 16/03/2022 12:13

You are making excuses to try and keep him in your life. You don't need him to move in with you. What you can do is get a lodger.

You might next say, but I don't want to live with someone I don't know..... But regardless of knowing someone...do you honestly think your bf/ex will pay the bills he's promising to pay? Considering you are paying rent for him at the moment? So better option is a lodger that will have to pay!

Honestly get rid. He is not the man for you. He will just bring you down and you will end up supporting him forever while he sits about doing nothing. Is this really what you want? Just take our advise please and kick him out

TedMullins · 16/03/2022 12:34

Oh come on, this is ridiculous. He's taking you and your mum for a ride and you need to get him out of her house and out of her life. Why do you feel responsible for this man child when he doesn't respect you?

He's repaying your generosity by going on dating apps and blowing hot and cold with you. It's not romantic and sincere, he's completely taking advantage and sees you as nothing more than a house and a cash cow. Whether he has nowhere to go is NOT your responsibility. He can always get a job like the rest of us.

If you're worried about energy bills buy a smaller property and get a female lodger. If you're a single 22 year old you don't need a three bed house.

D0lphine · 16/03/2022 12:37

Tbh sometimes I wonder if these threads are real.

OP if this is real please move into your home and get a lodger to help with bills.

Also please have counselling to work on your boundaries and your concept of a good relationship!

AChocolateOrangeaday · 16/03/2022 12:43

Sooooooo depressing.

Day after day after day.

I despair.

Tabitha789 · 16/03/2022 12:46

@bibera1

id rather be a helpless rentoid stuck in a 1 bed flat and have a loving bf. god i would give anything for him to actually be decent
He's on dating websites.... I think you need help! I truly do. He's just using you. If he really loved you he wouldn't be on dating websites
D0lphine · 16/03/2022 12:48

He is obviously using you. Get fucking rid! Bye.

RockinHorseShit · 16/03/2022 12:58

"The thing is, I'm about to buy a 3 bed maisonette, and I could really use his help with the bills. He was going to move into one of the spare rooms upstairs and pay the energy bills for me.

Is there no way we could just stay friends/roommates so that I don't have to live alone or pay everything on my own?

Get a lodger & NOT him.

You do know that he'll be bringing his conquests back to yours for a shag don't you?

He's telling you he's not your BF & disrespecting boundaries big time, this is guaranteed when you make yourself so much of a walk over

Yankeescot · 16/03/2022 13:17

This has got to be a wind up from the OP!

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