Felt humiliated straight after sex

[supersonicspider]

DH and I have been having problems and are doing marriage counselling. Sex has been off the cards for a while because I've not wanted to be intimate if we've been bickering, low libido due to recently starting antidepressants and intercourse can become painful after around 45 minutes due to scarring.
I agreed to try to be more intimate so last Saturday morning, a kiss and a cuddle in bed led to sex. Kids downstairs watching tv which puts me slightly on edge.
DH knows I don't want sex to go on for too long because of pain and risk of kids disturbing us. DH loves long, slow sex so we're slightly incompatible these days with that regard. Before second child came along, sex was still amazing.
Anyway... about half an hour into it, we switch to doggy style. He wants me to talk dirty which we sometimes do when we've had a glass of wine and it's at night. This however was morning, bright sunshine coming through skylights with me saying "fuck me, I want you to fuck me" I'm trying to do what he likes but did feel a bit silly and self conscious.
After another 10 minutes or so, I stop and lay down... it's become painful and he has spat on his cock a few times which I find gross. He said he'd buy some lube which he never did.
We've been together 20 years by the way and in early 40s. Sex was always amazing before things started to feel rocky within our marriage, hence the counselling.
DH gets straight out of bed saying that he couldn't climax because I didn't look like I was enjoying it, I was being too quiet and then he imitated me by pulling a grimacing sex face, saying that's what I looked like. I felt really embarrassed and said I'm sorry but I just became too painful and I thought he was going to get some lube. I also said that I thought he understood that I can't have sex for ages these days but apparently he was expecting a sex marathon that morning. He made me feel embarrassed and humiliated as he left me in bed to go into the en-suite bathroom to shower (and presumably to finish himself off). I felt upset because I'd tried and my vagina was hurting. I'd had my not so skinny arse in the air at him in broad daylight just moments before and he did a horrible impression of me? This was last weekend and now the thought of having sex with him again is not good.
I don't know how we're going to get back on track. Sex is a vital for him but not for me.

So it’s your fault he can’t come ? Yes, sure it is.
I can’t see why you want to be with him.

If dh had mimicked me that would have been the last time he had sex with me. Not surprised you were sore either!

You don't have to get back on track, you could make a plan to leave . Doesn't have to be overnight, just start thinking about it.

Why does he have to be the one to buy the lube?

Because he wants to have sex and I'm not bothered. I'm trying though for the sake of our marriage.

@mumofEandE

Why does he have to be the one to buy the lube?

Plus I sort out the contraception (pill) so it's the least he can do!

Not surprised you feel like this.
I’d talk about it in counselling.
If you do ever feel like having sex again though I would choose the lube yourself and when you put it on- it’s your body.

He's an inconsiderate dick OP, I'm not surprised you don't want to sleep with him. Is this something you could bring up with the marriage counselor during a session (that he behaves in an inconsiderate and unkind fashion during sex)?

Ouch. He sounds like he doesn’t care much for how he’s making you feel. My dp has a much higher sex drive than I do and it’s caused so many problems but fundamentally he has accepted it (I think!?) If he hurts me he’s extremely apologetic and never means to. Your husband didn’t even acknowledge that he hurt you?

Be strong. You have to want to have sex, and I’m really not surprised that you don’t.

We spoke about sex once during counselling and it was so embarrassing that I literally lost the ability to speak.
I just can't believe he mimicked me. Maybe that was his response to feeling embattled about not cumming? I don't know. He wasn't very sympathetic towards me being in pain.

You don't exist to please him.

*embarrassed about not cumming.

Yes he was frustrated and his ego and penis are more important to him than anything else.

@IngenueGinny

You don't exist to please him.

Apparently I do, because he is now pulling his weight around the house.

Shit...

I think it's understandable to be put off sex if you become aware the other person isn't enjoying it. That's ok ish ( if said kindly, not as recrimination).

However, him mocking you is way, way over the line.
Can you talk about it?

Honestly that sounds awful and not something I'd have enjoyed at all. He also sounds really inconsiderate and selfish...

I grimaced several times through that post, but not one was aimed at you.
He's the one who should be embarrassed.

I'd talk to your counsellor about this episode, and hopefully he can understand from a third party how awful he was.

If my husband ever spat on anything during sex, I'd be up and in the shower, alone.

I was also going to suggest you choose the lube but if my OH had mocked me like that then sex would be off the table.

Does he use porn ?
Is this the first time he couldn’t climax ?

Can you talk alot it in counselling in a more oblique way? It doesn't sound like it's the intimate details that are important here - would you maybe find it possible to explain that 'during intimacy he behaves with little regard to your comfort and then leaves you feeling humiliated.'

Oh OP, he didn’t care you were in pain. That’s really all you need to know.
I’m really feel for you because it sounds like you’re trying hard to please him but he’s not doing the same for you.

45 minutes?? Sounds incredibly tedious. I wouldn’t be having sex with him ever again based on his ridiculous expectations. The mimicking is just the cherry on top tbh.

Well, if this is the way he behaves, no wonder you don't want him anywhere near you. He is deeply selfish, and it turns out, mean.

This left me feeling really uncomfortable (let alone you). You can’t have long sex, he knows that and he doesn’t care. That is awful. How would he feel if you wanted to do something that hurt him? Not impressed, I reckon. This needs to be discussed in counselling. He humiliated you when you were feeling vulnerable; that doesn’t sound like love and respect to me.

@GeneLovesJezebel

Does he use porn ? Is this the first time he couldn’t climax ?

I think you're missing the point

45 min???? Ouch.

What a selfish guy. He sounds really unattractive. No wonder you have "low libido". Why would any woman want to be anywhere near him? You don't deserve any of this crap.

(Coconut oil works great. Not the point, I know.)