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Original poster

Felt humiliated straight after sex

324 replies

supersonicspider · 13/03/2022 07:35

DH and I have been having problems and are doing marriage counselling. Sex has been off the cards for a while because I've not wanted to be intimate if we've been bickering, low libido due to recently starting antidepressants and intercourse can become painful after around 45 minutes due to scarring.
I agreed to try to be more intimate so last Saturday morning, a kiss and a cuddle in bed led to sex. Kids downstairs watching tv which puts me slightly on edge.
DH knows I don't want sex to go on for too long because of pain and risk of kids disturbing us. DH loves long, slow sex so we're slightly incompatible these days with that regard. Before second child came along, sex was still amazing.
Anyway... about half an hour into it, we switch to doggy style. He wants me to talk dirty which we sometimes do when we've had a glass of wine and it's at night. This however was morning, bright sunshine coming through skylights with me saying "fuck me, I want you to fuck me" I'm trying to do what he likes but did feel a bit silly and self conscious.
After another 10 minutes or so, I stop and lay down... it's become painful and he has spat on his cock a few times which I find gross. He said he'd buy some lube which he never did.
We've been together 20 years by the way and in early 40s. Sex was always amazing before things started to feel rocky within our marriage, hence the counselling.
DH gets straight out of bed saying that he couldn't climax because I didn't look like I was enjoying it, I was being too quiet and then he imitated me by pulling a grimacing sex face, saying that's what I looked like. I felt really embarrassed and said I'm sorry but I just became too painful and I thought he was going to get some lube. I also said that I thought he understood that I can't have sex for ages these days but apparently he was expecting a sex marathon that morning. He made me feel embarrassed and humiliated as he left me in bed to go into the en-suite bathroom to shower (and presumably to finish himself off). I felt upset because I'd tried and my vagina was hurting. I'd had my not so skinny arse in the air at him in broad daylight just moments before and he did a horrible impression of me? This was last weekend and now the thought of having sex with him again is not good.
I don't know how we're going to get back on track. Sex is a vital for him but not for me.

OP posts:
TheVolturi · 13/03/2022 08:16

I love sex but 45 mins when the kids are downstairs is not feasible. I'm not surprised you couldn't relax. He should be making you feel comfortable and at ease so that you can enjoy it with him.
Is there any way you can be alone without the kids? It's important not to use every bit of alone time for sex, you need to start to enjoy each others company again first really. Dh and I had years of mismatched sex drives due to 3 dc in quick succession. I used to feel like a robot trying to perform.
We got our thing back by making the most of our time together, going out for lunch and relaxing together when we had the day to ourselves. Sex came naturally after that and now it's amazing again.

Karwomannghia · 13/03/2022 08:16

The lube thing- if I needed lube I’d want to choose what kind and when to put it on.

DrSbaitso · 13/03/2022 08:16

@mumofEandE

Why does he have to be the one to buy the lube?
Because he's the one spitting on his dick before entering OP with it, and then insulting her, and then wondering why she doesn't want to sleep with him, that's why.
billy1966 · 13/03/2022 08:16

You poor woman.

He sounds really awful.

You were in pain and he couldn't care less.

Stop being embarrassed and find your anger.

He is not a good man.

Why exactly are you trying to save a marriage with a man that has so little regard for you.

I wouldn't be able to look at him and sex would never be on the table again.

Mind yourself OP Flowers

SilverMakeUpBag · 13/03/2022 08:16

@Karwomannghia

He probably wanted dirty talk to help him be quicker because he was aware it was taking a long time. He chose to blame and humiliate you instead of addressing and admitting that he takes so long and why that might be. Also the fact he doesn’t get you wet. He feels inadequate.
This. Sorry you are having to deal with him at all.
Porcupineintherough · 13/03/2022 08:16

@cansu

I think that having sex when you don't want to is always going to be shit. Maybe you don't need counselling together. You need to tell him you are not attracted to him and don't enjoy sex at the moment. You should not be having sex to just make him happy.
This. One thing is giving it a go to see if you get in the mood but you really shouldnt be forcing yourself to do things you are not comfortable with.

I do think you need to be able to talk honestly with each other about this.

BurbageBrook · 13/03/2022 08:17

45 minutes! No wonder you’ve got no libido. That’s about 5 times too long, anyone would be sore. Does he think he’s in a porn movie?

beastlyslumber · 13/03/2022 08:17

This was really upsetting to read, OP. I'm not surprised you feel hurt and humiliated. His behaviour is vile and abusive.

Could you write out what happened, as you have here, and read it to an individual counsellor? Your couples counselling does not sound like a safe space for you.

So sorry OP Flowers

MissyB1 · 13/03/2022 08:18

@Karwomannghia

He probably wanted dirty talk to help him be quicker because he was aware it was taking a long time. He chose to blame and humiliate you instead of addressing and admitting that he takes so long and why that might be. Also the fact he doesn’t get you wet. He feels inadequate.
I think this is probably the truth. He’s feeling very inadequate, that’s not your fault though. His insecurities are causing him to be nasty. It’s not normal for a man to have penetrative sex for 45 minutes and not come. You both need to explore what’s going wrong with your sex life. Can he be honest with you I wonder? Is he brave enough?

Resorting to mocking and blaming you is unacceptable, he needs to know he could kill the relationship never mind your sex life. No matter how hurt and inadequate he feels he needs to stop lashing out. None of this is your fault, it’s just a combination of circumstances.
It’s going to take time, trust, and effort to sort all this out.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 13/03/2022 08:18

45 mins!! I’m not surprised your sore and bored. Has sex with him always been like this?

Inconsiderate sex and now these comments, not normally pulling his weight and bickering. Perhaps you need individual counselling. Or if you wanted to raise the sex issue perhaps you could write a letter and ask the counsellor to read it out.

Quartz2208 · 13/03/2022 08:18

So he knew that after 45 minutes of gets painful for you
That his children were downstairs watching tv (what on Earth did they think was going on)
And that sex can be embarrassing for you

And he handled it like that when it was suppose to be you two reconnecting

I am not sure OP there is a way back because there is no compromising from him is there? It’s not only his need for sex which trumps everything but he has to do it exactly the way he wanted

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/03/2022 08:18

This is so so horrible. He should be making an effort, you’re having therapy together to try and make things better between you and this is what he thinks will get you to reconnect? Morning sex with kids is a quickie, it’s not the time for a mega session. If he wants to go at it for ages he needs to plan ahead better.

He should also care about your feelings - physical and emotional - and he doesn’t seem to at all. To mock your expression is just awful.

You really need to find a way to discuss this in your therapy. It’s incredibly indicative of the wider issues and his lack of basic consideration.

Reallybadidea · 13/03/2022 08:18

I would find it very, very hard to come back from that. It's such a betrayal when you've made yourself vulnerable and completely exposed, essentially for his pleasure. He's treated you with contempt and I don't know how you move on from that.

EricScrantona · 13/03/2022 08:20

I think it would be weird if he could climax when he thought you weren't enjoying it or worse it's hurting you!

I've had a similar issue where sex can start to hurt after childbirth and doggy style is the absolute worst for this! We used to have similar situations. I'd try to continue but he would stop and say "that's hurting you isn't it" or ask if I'm not enjoying it and then we would change. He said he can't enjoy it if he knows it's causing me pain.

I don't think he is blaming you, just saying. Obviously depends on the tone it was said and only you know that.

Is he understanding when you're not in the middle of sex? You can buy lube too if it makes it easier for you.

Sorry you feel like this. Thanks

sloeslowgin · 13/03/2022 08:20

His reaction to being able to see you're not enjoying sex, isn't to ask you what he can do to make it enjoyable for you - but to mock you and make you feel bad you didn't hide that you weren't enjoying it enough for him to come. This is despicable behaviour.

I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him. He's happy to have sex with you without your enthusiastic consent as long as you don't bother him with your feelings.

He's treating you as less than human.

Maybe you need to stop trying to save this marriage and listen to your own instincts and needs for a change. Ignore his, he's ignoring yours.

FrancescaContini · 13/03/2022 08:21

@mumofEandE

Why does he have to be the one to buy the lube?
Jesus. Spectacularly missing the point.

OP, he’s nasty. No good man would ask this of you, and no good man would mimic you in such a way. Flowers

PermanentTemporary · 13/03/2022 08:21

The spitting thing and the worry that you 'should' be dripping wet without lube are both porn influenced. But I agree that if he'd spent 45 minutes just doing what you like most sexually without worrying about his cock you'd be a whole lot wetter. Fact remains that at the moment probably what you like most sexually is to be left alone or at most a nice gentle massage and a sleep.

Things have gone horrifically out of kilter between you. Can I suggest that you write down something for the next counselling session? I don't think sex is the central issue for you but it is for him and I think you need to be able to say your piece.

Londondreams1 · 13/03/2022 08:22

I’ve been thinking about these men who withhold/withdraw sex or who withhold affection or kindness and you hear all the excuses, but it struck me that if they genuinely weren’t being nasty, or not naturally tactile people, then their attraction and kindness would be expressed in other ways, for example buying something lovely for their partner ‘I was passing by the window of Next and saw this and knew it would look beautiful on you’ ‘oh you look gorgeous in that skirt’ etc
Ya ya some men don’t have the money etc, but isn’t it a strange coincidence that the men who are making their partners feel like shit during/ after sex are the same ones that can’t seem to manage showing their attraction (or hell even respect) in other ways.
Yes I suppose it’s true that a man can go off you, but because there will be plenty of other men out there who would absolutely love to sleep with you, its a hard thing to put up with.

TrooBloo · 13/03/2022 08:24

I couldn’t even finish reading your OP, I was cringing so much. Who the fuck wants to be having intercourse for that long on the daily? If my husband is gagging for it and I’m not 100% in the mood, we will have a quickie which lasts under 5 minutes, it’s fun and gets the job done. He sounds like a selfish prick.

You’re having sex when you don’t want to and it’s painful but he can’t buy some lube on Amazon prime or come quicker than he’d like? Tell me what you’re getting out of this because it doesn’t sound like much.

FrancescaContini · 13/03/2022 08:24

As for the spitting - that’s disgusting. I don’t think I could ever come back from any of this.

It’s all about him, isn’t it? He doesn’t see you as a human being.

Lovemusic33 · 13/03/2022 08:25

I think the reason you have gone off of sex is because of him, how can you find someone like that attractive, someone that thinks he deserves sex because he pulls his weight around the house? Some one who has no respect for you when you are in pain? And someone who mimics you?

I have been where you are now when I was married, I thought the issues were with me, I found sex painful and I just went off it completely, dh kept on and on for it and occasionally I would give it to him just to shut him up, it wasn’t enjoyable or comfortable. After a few years I realised I no longer felt the same about him, I didn’t find him attractive, him pestering for sex had made me less likely to want it and just made me annoyed with him. Eventually I ended our marriage and although it was hard it was the best thing I ever did. I have had several relationships since and had great sex 😉 so it wasn’t me that was the issue.

MazzleDazzle · 13/03/2022 08:25

Imagine this scenario in reverse:

  • you complain to your DH that he doesn’t turn you on enough to get you wet
  • you ask him why he takes ages to come, roll your eyes and complain it’s boring
  • you mimic him banging away begging you to talk dirty

I’d got for it OP. Give him a taste of his own medicine. What a selfish creep.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 13/03/2022 08:25

Even having the most amazing sex in the world most women will dry out after a lot less than 45 minutes. It might be old fashioned or something but my DP is responsible for buying anything sex related in our relationship and I don't think there is anything weird about that.

Flickflak · 13/03/2022 08:26

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EmeraldShamrock1 · 13/03/2022 08:27

Tell him to fuck off.
He overly pushed the boundaries knowing that the DC were close, you were uncomfortable
There is a time and place for the kind of sex he usually enjoys.