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Original poster

Felt humiliated straight after sex

324 replies

supersonicspider · 13/03/2022 07:35

DH and I have been having problems and are doing marriage counselling. Sex has been off the cards for a while because I've not wanted to be intimate if we've been bickering, low libido due to recently starting antidepressants and intercourse can become painful after around 45 minutes due to scarring.
I agreed to try to be more intimate so last Saturday morning, a kiss and a cuddle in bed led to sex. Kids downstairs watching tv which puts me slightly on edge.
DH knows I don't want sex to go on for too long because of pain and risk of kids disturbing us. DH loves long, slow sex so we're slightly incompatible these days with that regard. Before second child came along, sex was still amazing.
Anyway... about half an hour into it, we switch to doggy style. He wants me to talk dirty which we sometimes do when we've had a glass of wine and it's at night. This however was morning, bright sunshine coming through skylights with me saying "fuck me, I want you to fuck me" I'm trying to do what he likes but did feel a bit silly and self conscious.
After another 10 minutes or so, I stop and lay down... it's become painful and he has spat on his cock a few times which I find gross. He said he'd buy some lube which he never did.
We've been together 20 years by the way and in early 40s. Sex was always amazing before things started to feel rocky within our marriage, hence the counselling.
DH gets straight out of bed saying that he couldn't climax because I didn't look like I was enjoying it, I was being too quiet and then he imitated me by pulling a grimacing sex face, saying that's what I looked like. I felt really embarrassed and said I'm sorry but I just became too painful and I thought he was going to get some lube. I also said that I thought he understood that I can't have sex for ages these days but apparently he was expecting a sex marathon that morning. He made me feel embarrassed and humiliated as he left me in bed to go into the en-suite bathroom to shower (and presumably to finish himself off). I felt upset because I'd tried and my vagina was hurting. I'd had my not so skinny arse in the air at him in broad daylight just moments before and he did a horrible impression of me? This was last weekend and now the thought of having sex with him again is not good.
I don't know how we're going to get back on track. Sex is a vital for him but not for me.

OP posts:
Prettynails · 13/03/2022 08:27

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

If dh had mimicked me that would have been the last time he had sex with me. Not surprised you were sore either!

You don't have to get back on track, you could make a plan to leave . Doesn't have to be overnight, just start thinking about it.

He sounds disgusting.

He made it your fault that he can’t come and spits on his cock?

He’s never come in my house again never mind my vagina.

Happy you are hurting? Not about what you want is it? Or love? Or affection?

Just a porno marathon and bugger you.

There is no coming back from this - he is beyond selfish

EricScrantona · 13/03/2022 08:28

Just re read and see he mocked you and clearly wasn't nice about it. Scrap what I said. What a dick. Could he even see your face? Mocking you for trying to please him is low.

You say sex used to be amazing, I think he can't understand why things would change after birth and doesn't appear willing to try to.

I still think you should buy lube as it's literally hurting you not having it available but if he can't be arsed to buy it or listen to you about this problem, I'd not be having sex with him.

GrendelsGrandma · 13/03/2022 08:29

Jesus, he's selfish.

It's daytime, the kids are downstairs, you're in physical pain... And he just keeps on whacking away because that's how he likes it? Then mocks you?

He's not showing you any respect op.

BigOlDingleSlinger69 · 13/03/2022 08:29

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Iwonder08 · 13/03/2022 08:30

Quite right you were not enjoying it and whose fault is that?! He is a selfish, bad and inconsiderate lover. What sort of man would want to have a sex marathon with his wife who is in pain? The problem is not a lack of lube, is the fact he doesn't turn you on.. And frankly I can see why

Feelingoktoday · 13/03/2022 08:31

I wouldn’t enjoy sex if my kids were downstairs and could disturb us whist I’m in the doggy position!

45 mins!!!!!!is there any foreplay in that time?

Spitting? Yuk dirty sod.

Hurting you!!

I wouldn’t be having sex with him for a very long time until he changed his sexist selfish dirty ways. You are not just there for him to poke you.

ChaToilLeam · 13/03/2022 08:31

He sounds horrible and pornsick. He doesn’t care that he’s hurting you and he demonstrates no respect for you.

No wonder you don’t want sex. I wouldn’t want this man in my house, the selfish nasty wanker.

RhubardCrumble · 13/03/2022 08:32

He sounds like a bully. Scrap that. He is a bully. Doing things that he knows are hurtful to you. Physically and emotionally.

I hope for your sake this behavior is only limited to the bedroom.

I'm glad you've confided in this group. Hopefully it will help you reflect on the situation and work out what to do about it.

RandomBasic · 13/03/2022 08:32

Classic porn overuse

ImInStealthMode · 13/03/2022 08:32

45 minutes!! Nobody's got time for that. Where on earth has he got the idea that 45 minutes of intercourse is anything other than fucking tedious and sore for the Woman? I bet he thinks he's some sort of Don Juan too, doesn't he? Pathetic.

For me sex would now be completely off the table at least until he learns that both people's needs should be met.

EdgeOfSeventeenAndThreeQuarter · 13/03/2022 08:33

LTB. You’ll be amazed how well your vagina self-lubricates when you get an opportunity to offer it to someone you’re mentally attracted to.

Feelingoktoday · 13/03/2022 08:33

[quote BigOlDingleSlinger69]@supersonicspider

You say mocking and humiliating - but he may be totally unaware he made you feel that way. Men are often very unaware of (most) women being more sensitive to things like this in sex. To him he may have given it no more thought than doing a funny face of you concentrating hard on a crossword or something. That doesn’t excuse it and he should be made aware but I wouldn’t jump to it being intentionally cruel and kicking you when down.

I think you should buy the lube which you like best, as at the least it would show you have taken some interest in your sex life. The dick spitting would be nothing to most people - it’s actually far healthier than putting lube chemicals in your vagina.

He’s been insensitive and he needs to know that but I think you also need to consider that you are very sensitive during and easily put off during sex (for instance not liking using saliva as lube - it’s actually far more natural and probably healthier) and have some sensitivity to him trying to deal with your flighty libido and growing frigidness. It can’t be easy for him knowing you hate being intimate with him.[/quote]
Yes let’s blame the woman. Poor little man. He just can’t help himself. Please make him happy op. Blah blah. She doesn’t need lube she needs decent foreplay.

RavenclawsRoar · 13/03/2022 08:33

Jeez 45 minutes of penetration would hurt anyone I reckon! Especially if you're not fully in the mood and the kids are awake!!! Bloody hell, it sounds like an absolute nightmare.

Staryflight445 · 13/03/2022 08:33

He sounds horrible. Instead of wondering why it’s not enjoyable for you and trying to make it enjoyable for you, he’s more interested in himself and what he wants and mocking you afterwards.

Why are you with him?

Feelingoktoday · 13/03/2022 08:34

Frigid. Only used against women.

LadyRoughDiamond · 13/03/2022 08:34

If you’re uncomfortable discussing sex with DH or your counsellor, maybe explain this and describe his behaviour in a different context? Imagine he’s cooked you a meal that he knows will make you ill, but insists you eat it all regardless and look like you’re enjoying it. It’s not unreasonable to find this impossible, and your response is part of your body’s defence mechanism.
He’s cruel, selfish and controlling, and no one has the right to make you feel this way.

SpaceFarce · 13/03/2022 08:34

What he did was not okay. That would need to be a strongly worded conversation for us and for him to understand that if he ever made me feel that way again, it was over. However, I don’t think it’s his responsibility to buy the lube, sorry. We use it when we have sex and it’s more enjoyable for me to have it; sometimes I buy it and sometimes he does. It’s a joint responsibility and if you’re not buying it because you don’t want sex, no wonder he doesn’t want to buy it either. Just don’t have sex if you don’t want it - don’t acquiesce but then complain that lube would have made it more enjoyable. Take that into your own hands. I think that in itself is indicative of much bigger problems. The whole story is, to be honest. Perhaps you’d just be better moving on.

spacehardware · 13/03/2022 08:35

Everything about this is awful

Everything. Your husband is a horrible, horrible man and a crap lover. No wonder you don't want to fuck him. I couldn't get wet for a man like this either.

Why are you with him? Seriously being single has to be better than this

RestingMurderousFace · 13/03/2022 08:35

What a horrible, inconsiderate, tedious little man. Never mind lube, you deserve a medal for letting him anywhere near you.

SunflowerTed · 13/03/2022 08:35

45 min of PIV - jeez I’d have fallen asleep half way through ! You need an apology at least and an agreement in how to move forward.

SpaceFarce · 13/03/2022 08:36

@EdgeOfSeventeenAndThreeQuarter

LTB. You’ll be amazed how well your vagina self-lubricates when you get an opportunity to offer it to someone you’re mentally attracted to.
Bollocks. I’m incredibly attracted to my husband and love having sex with him. Lubrication has been a problem for me since I had the kids and it is NOTHING to do with him. I’ve been to the doctor and they have t found any underlying issues, so we use lube.
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/03/2022 08:36

Op, I'm going to start with the physical side of things.

45 minutes of PIV (penis in vagina) sex is going to be uncomfortable for most people, let alone someone with birth injury scarring.

Once it's got to the point where it's uncomfortable for me - which could be less than 5 minutes if the guy has a large package - I'll say "Sorry but this is getting uncomfortable for me. Shall we finish with oral?" I phrase this as a question, but the only question is how he wants to finish, because continuing penetration is not an option. Once I'm in discomfort, that's it, the activity (whatever it is) stops.

Now let's talk about lube. I cannot have sex without lube. Some women simply don't produce enough lubrication naturally, and I'm one of them. I can literally have an orgasm and still not be wet enough. Please do not use cooking oils, body lotion or saliva (yuk) as lube - they can disrupt the pH balance of your vagina and lead to thrush or BV. If your "D"H is embarrassed about buying it, he can order it from Amazon. (This one is my favourite - expensive but lasts for ages and has no smell or taste) I can understand the embarrassment because look at some of these responses -" if he was good enough he wouldn't need lube" etc. Please stop shaming people for being caring and responsible about their sexual health, folks!

All of what I've written so far is for the benefit of anyone reading this thread who wants to address issues of discomfort during sex.

All that is leaving out the emotional side of sex in your case OP. His behaviour is shit. Really, really shit. Your marriage is in trouble, you're going to counselling, he knows you don't enjoy sex, he can see you're in pain - and instead of stopping and saying "I'm sorry love, shall we stop or do you want me to do something else" he mocks you and belittles you?? Fuck this idiot.

Nobody who is a loving, caring partner will look at their partner in pain and want to carry on having sex with them.

He has made it blindingly clear that his orgasm is the only thing he gives a shit about during sex and he will happily see you suffering to get it. Oh, and then he'll take the piss out of you for the pain he's put you in. I couldn't come back from that personally. I'd be using the counselling sessions to discuss how to split finances and childcare and end the marriage.

No wonder you don't feel safe to discuss sex in your counselling sessions when he's so critical and negative. I really recommend you get some solo counselling for yourself.

Decent men are not like this OP. You deserve so much better 💐

lapsat · 13/03/2022 08:36

That's awful. So he knows, yes he knows. He didn't "forget" that a long session would physically hurt you. He prioritised his wanting that over it hurting you.

He should be loving you, checking you are ok, giggling and making you feel loved. Not spitting, behaving like a wannabe cheap porn star and going off for a wank.

Where's the love? Where is the caring for you?

Please leave him. X

ittakes2 · 13/03/2022 08:37

I am sorry but if you both agree you need club for sex and neither of you have enough bought some I think there’s your answer I am sorry.

FrancescaContini · 13/03/2022 08:37

[quote BigOlDingleSlinger69]@supersonicspider

You say mocking and humiliating - but he may be totally unaware he made you feel that way. Men are often very unaware of (most) women being more sensitive to things like this in sex. To him he may have given it no more thought than doing a funny face of you concentrating hard on a crossword or something. That doesn’t excuse it and he should be made aware but I wouldn’t jump to it being intentionally cruel and kicking you when down.

I think you should buy the lube which you like best, as at the least it would show you have taken some interest in your sex life. The dick spitting would be nothing to most people - it’s actually far healthier than putting lube chemicals in your vagina.

He’s been insensitive and he needs to know that but I think you also need to consider that you are very sensitive during and easily put off during sex (for instance not liking using saliva as lube - it’s actually far more natural and probably healthier) and have some sensitivity to him trying to deal with your flighty libido and growing frigidness. It can’t be easy for him knowing you hate being intimate with him.[/quote]
Interesting username Hmm You’re a man, aren’t you? “It can’t be easy for him….” Angry