Felt humiliated straight after sex

[supersonicspider]

DH and I have been having problems and are doing marriage counselling. Sex has been off the cards for a while because I've not wanted to be intimate if we've been bickering, low libido due to recently starting antidepressants and intercourse can become painful after around 45 minutes due to scarring.
I agreed to try to be more intimate so last Saturday morning, a kiss and a cuddle in bed led to sex. Kids downstairs watching tv which puts me slightly on edge.
DH knows I don't want sex to go on for too long because of pain and risk of kids disturbing us. DH loves long, slow sex so we're slightly incompatible these days with that regard. Before second child came along, sex was still amazing.
Anyway... about half an hour into it, we switch to doggy style. He wants me to talk dirty which we sometimes do when we've had a glass of wine and it's at night. This however was morning, bright sunshine coming through skylights with me saying "fuck me, I want you to fuck me" I'm trying to do what he likes but did feel a bit silly and self conscious.
After another 10 minutes or so, I stop and lay down... it's become painful and he has spat on his cock a few times which I find gross. He said he'd buy some lube which he never did.
We've been together 20 years by the way and in early 40s. Sex was always amazing before things started to feel rocky within our marriage, hence the counselling.
DH gets straight out of bed saying that he couldn't climax because I didn't look like I was enjoying it, I was being too quiet and then he imitated me by pulling a grimacing sex face, saying that's what I looked like. I felt really embarrassed and said I'm sorry but I just became too painful and I thought he was going to get some lube. I also said that I thought he understood that I can't have sex for ages these days but apparently he was expecting a sex marathon that morning. He made me feel embarrassed and humiliated as he left me in bed to go into the en-suite bathroom to shower (and presumably to finish himself off). I felt upset because I'd tried and my vagina was hurting. I'd had my not so skinny arse in the air at him in broad daylight just moments before and he did a horrible impression of me? This was last weekend and now the thought of having sex with him again is not good.
I don't know how we're going to get back on track. Sex is a vital for him but not for me.

Come off the pill, you'll get your libido back.

And more importantly, divorce him because this is abuse and he hurt you and degraded you willingly and you deserve better.

It's really good that you wrote this down. You could copy your OP here to your counsellor. It summarises everything factually and shows all that's wrong, brilliantly.

This is awful op and he has a horrific attitude around it. Him enjoying long sex versus it being painful for you and you feeling humiliated is very different. How is he not sympathetic?

You have nothing to be embarrassed by!

@CaMePlaitPas

I mean this gently, but sex is part of a normal healthy relationship. There are people in sexless relationships and there are people in relationships who don't have sex with one another but go elsewhere, with consent. It doesn't sound to me that your husband wants to be in a sexless relationship, so you are going to have to think about how you proceed with your marriage.

How is he outside of the bedroom? He didn't conduct himself very well last weekend, but is he a good partner to you? Do your (non sexual) needs get met? Don't give us the spiel of him being a great Dad, this is your relationship and you need to look closely at it for your own sanity and long term happiness.

Yes sex is a part of a healthy relationship

What's not healthy is doing it in a way you know hurts your partner.

That's abuse.

He just sounds gross and selfish and immature and he should have asked were you ok during sex and not be making it all about him. Did he take the time for foreplay and to give you pleasure and he could easily have stopped when you were in pain and to make fun of you and mimick you is just disgusting. I could never look at him the same again. Also 45 mins in the morning when the kids are downstairs and could run up anytime shows how selfish he is. a fun quickie after foreplay or just pleasuring each other even without the piv. I would tell the counsellor this and speak up as he was very disrespectful. Hope you are ok and his behaviour would turn anyone off sex. Ignore the stupid person with the 'frigid' name calling. Any caring person would make sure their partners is not in pain and would want to give them pleasure and not pain. You should have told him to just feck off.

Do you mean 'throwing his weight around the house' not pulling? Don't accept that, call him directly out on any behaviour. You might both have to accept that your marriage is over. If all he wants to do is pound for 45 minutes, it isn't surprising that you don't want it.

Apart from the fact that you find sex painful if it goes on too long, are you getting any pleasure from it? It doesn’t sound like you are. Reading your post made me cringe. He rubs spit on his penis? He bangs away for 45 mins when the kids are awake? He mocks you? What do you see in him? He sounds absolutely awful.

Leave.

He's a selfish emotionally abusive arsehole that's putting his wants and needs before yours, I'd wager that isn't just during sex either.. I bet he comes first in a lot of areas of your lives..
It won't improve.

'growing frigidness' actually means 'man who is shit in and out of bed and is too stupid to understand why his partner is increasingly unwilling to put up with it'.

Any man that spat on his dick would be kicked out of my bed (although I do admit that spitting anywhere makes me retch).

Any man that mocked me after sex would never get to have sex with me again.

And if he is such a tender little lamb that he can't buy the lube, perhaps suggest an exchange of responsibilities- he can a vasectomy to take care of the contraception and you'll get the lube.

If you can be bothered of course. I wouldn't, personally.

The whole thing sounds beyond disgusting.

Btw, I've never seen nor heard of any man spitting on their dick. That is utterly gross. Spitting is gross per se but actually spitting into someone else's body, via the proxy of the dick? Disgusting and demeaning. Sounds like something out of humiliation-based porn.

Ew. He spits on his cock. No thanks. Told my other half and he cringed too. I would be more embarrassed by his actions

He sounds horrible. Spitting on himself?! That's so grim. And mocking you afterwards is really vile behaviour.

I have to say though that there is a possibility that being on the pill is affecting your libido. When I'm on the pill I find sex really unsexy. I don't get wet and never feel turned on. When I'm off the pill it's the total opposite. We use condoms! I'm not advising you to come off the pill because if I were you I'd be totally reconsidering my relationship. And your DH doesn't sound like he'd be happy using condoms anyway if he can't sort out some lube. BUT it might be worth considering for your next relationship, with a man who treats you like an actual human being with feelings.

@CaMePlaitPas, who are telling 'gently'? OP or her DH? You've fallen into the misogynist's trap of 'wanting sex' being working on your sexual relationship. Therefore, it must be the trodden on woman's problem.

@Hotcuppatea

30-45 minutes of intercourse? No wonder you're sore and bored. I would be too. He needs to learn to be adaptable and get it over with more quickly.

Is he watching a lot of porn?

He probably suffers from Delayed Ejaculation I can suffer from it as well, after about 30 mins I give up now. It changes the dynamics of sex, not linked to porn

www.verywellhealth.com/delayed-ejaculation-3300047

I think 30/40 mins is a long time TBH! Plus you are aware of DC being awake .This is going to make you tense adding to your soreness.He is being unrealistic for sure! I think you need to decide whether or not to carry on with this RL ,as you are not getting much from it.It sounds like you were very uncomfortable and found the whole process painful .You need to tell him this!

Saliva is the worst thing to use as lubrication as well as it dries out quickly and takes moisture with it. It will cause tears in your vagina.
What a shit he is.

It is really difficult when your sex life includes 45 minutes plus of piv. Is he on antidepressants? I found orgasmic retardation really tricky. I can believe he does too. Something he could perhaps talk about in counselling,

You lost me at 'spat' 🤮

You can’t force yourself to have sex - you are going to end up feeling how you’re feeling every time because you don’t actually want to do it so you just feel gross and want it over as quickly as possible.

I don’t think he’s done anything majorly wrong in this situation. You embarrassed him and he tried to embarrass you. He then went to the bathroom to finish off which I probably would have done too.

Have you tried pleasuring each other without sex?

Do you still find him attractive and want to be with him etc or do you think actually you’d be better off as just friends now?

I don’t think anyone should feel embarrassed talking about sex in front of their partner and if you are then the relationship obviously has big issues.

45 mins of penetration and he can't come?? That's not your fault.

And that sounds painful, uncomfortable and boring.

What are you trying to save? He humiliates you, mocks you, refuses to address your wants and needs, uses you etc.

You must bring this up with a counselor. I was in a very similar situation, too ashamed to tell anyone so I stayed. It got worse. If I could go back and give my body a gift it would have been to speak up for it, give those feelings a voice. It was hurt and abused and I told myself it was ok because there were bigger things to worry about but bodily integrity is absolutely vital to our wellbeing.

Tell him you want to try a strap on with him. Ram away for 45 mins. Spitting on it occasionally..
Someone posted 'club' instead of lube. .. Sounds like a plan. Every time his dick comes near bop it...
And give yourself 10 points for every hit..

I'm not surprised you don't want sex, it can be the case that the sex stops because the rest of the relationship is rubbish. And as for 45 minutes of banging away while kids are downstairs and being expected to talk dirty. I mean that really is too awful. I know that after a time my genitalia just become completely numb and there would be no chance of me enjoying it, and that would happen long before 45 minutes.
Sorry, but I think that what has happened to you is symptomatic of the rest of your relationship, I think he is selfish and nasty. Do you really want to be in that sort of relationship?

He sounds awful.
So selfish!
Spitting on his todger is he’s too mean or lazy to buy lube?

45 mins of penetration?
Does he have neurological issues?

Sounds very unfair if you find it painful.