Felt humiliated straight after sex

[supersonicspider]

DH and I have been having problems and are doing marriage counselling. Sex has been off the cards for a while because I've not wanted to be intimate if we've been bickering, low libido due to recently starting antidepressants and intercourse can become painful after around 45 minutes due to scarring.
I agreed to try to be more intimate so last Saturday morning, a kiss and a cuddle in bed led to sex. Kids downstairs watching tv which puts me slightly on edge.
DH knows I don't want sex to go on for too long because of pain and risk of kids disturbing us. DH loves long, slow sex so we're slightly incompatible these days with that regard. Before second child came along, sex was still amazing.
Anyway... about half an hour into it, we switch to doggy style. He wants me to talk dirty which we sometimes do when we've had a glass of wine and it's at night. This however was morning, bright sunshine coming through skylights with me saying "fuck me, I want you to fuck me" I'm trying to do what he likes but did feel a bit silly and self conscious.
After another 10 minutes or so, I stop and lay down... it's become painful and he has spat on his cock a few times which I find gross. He said he'd buy some lube which he never did.
We've been together 20 years by the way and in early 40s. Sex was always amazing before things started to feel rocky within our marriage, hence the counselling.
DH gets straight out of bed saying that he couldn't climax because I didn't look like I was enjoying it, I was being too quiet and then he imitated me by pulling a grimacing sex face, saying that's what I looked like. I felt really embarrassed and said I'm sorry but I just became too painful and I thought he was going to get some lube. I also said that I thought he understood that I can't have sex for ages these days but apparently he was expecting a sex marathon that morning. He made me feel embarrassed and humiliated as he left me in bed to go into the en-suite bathroom to shower (and presumably to finish himself off). I felt upset because I'd tried and my vagina was hurting. I'd had my not so skinny arse in the air at him in broad daylight just moments before and he did a horrible impression of me? This was last weekend and now the thought of having sex with him again is not good.
I don't know how we're going to get back on track. Sex is a vital for him but not for me.

Gosh I've found this thread so helpful. I thought there was something wrong with me. My Stbxh would last 30-40 minutes as a norm plus foreplay on top, sometimes longer. When he was on antidepressants (because he was living a double life it turned out) it would be 60-90 mins. I therefore sometimes would find sex a bit painful and sometimes made the odd stifled ouch sound, although he 'seemed' to care if it hurt, I felt like I'd damaged his ego as a result after. I almost never said no to sex and regularly gave him oral but he told me he was upset I didn't instigate sex much. I didn't say I thought he took a long time as I knew it would hurt his feelings so I subsequently made more effort to instigate and suggested more quickies. In a whole year quickies only happened a few times max and even then a quickie for him was still 15-20 mins.

He then had an affair, left and amongst other things blamed lack of sex (he worked shifts so it was normally once a week with oral for him in between). I've been beating myself up about not feeling as excited about sex as I used to because I'd be worried it would be uncomfortable. To hear so many other women say that they also would find 40 minutes of PIV uncomfortable and off-putting has made me feel a little better.

It astonishes me that so many women put up with things they don’t enjoy and don’t like to please men. Just why? Why do women accept this shit? It’s just so so depressing.

I should add that in the seventies I was reading the Hite report and Fear of Flying. The Rubyfruit Jungle .How come women are so ignorant about sex these days and still so enslaved to men’s agendas?

@FlyingGeeseAgain

It astonishes me that so many women put up with things they don’t enjoy and don’t like to please men. Just why? Why do women accept this shit? It’s just so so depressing.

I agree. Why do we think we are put on this planet to please men?

Why do we think we are put on this planet to please men?

Plenty of societal messages being pushed on us, from newborn upwards.

My ex used to get angry if I came too quickly . It was horrible.
I have no idea how long sex takes now, as its like a bubble of gorgeousness so I'm not thinking about it, but guess probs 10-15 mins

That would be the end of it for me. Horrible bastard

I had to convince my dp that many women (me included) don’t actually like a man with too much stamina (iykwim) I don’t know why some men seem to think being able to bang all night is a good thing. It bloody isn’t! He was genuinely surprised, I think. Our sex life is great when we do have it but he has had to accept having it less than he’d like.

Just given up onPeaky Blinders (earlier series) because I’m sick of the endless sex scenes with men just banging away. Literally. No wonder so many men think this is all that’s required.

Wtf how on earth does he think with kids and after 20 years 45 minutes is normal ?????

@SeenYourArse

I feel REALLY sorry for your kids do you really think they didn’t know exactly what was going on upstairs? It’s not appropriate to have sex in that situation at all if you know it won’t be a silent quickie, the fact that he wanted you to make more noise? Disgusting pig, wanting his kids to hear that is absolutely vile. He sounds absolutely horrible and if I were you the marriage would be over.

Kids were not in ear shot because we have a fairly large house.

They all watch porn films where the bloke takes forever, and the women apparently love it. Oh and the women ties herself up in knots.

@GalactatingGoddess

45-90 mins on an evening for us! Granted since DD it's only been 1/2 a week. Never morning sex as I feel grim and like to get up and crack on with the day!

Bloody hell. I’d be walking like John Wayne for a week after that. Surely you must get bored?

I'd say on average 30 minutes but only 10 minutes of PIV.

This might be unusual but we only have PIV 50% of the time. Sex to us is pretty much all sexual contact that ends in mutual satisfaction not PIV.

40 minutes?? Cripes, we had a Sunday morning quickie today (as had to get up and get on)...I came within 5 minutes, he about a minute after me. Usually coordinate and come together on a regular session after about 15 minutes plus foreplay about the same amount of time. Isn't that normal? Couldn't imagine 40 minutes of banging away. I'd be losing the will to live...so would he lol.

Really feel for you OP, totally disrespectful and cruel behaviour by yr OH. Kick him into touch. Ask him what HE is can to do to improve your sex life so he is focused on you not merely himself.

@FrancescaContini

OP, I am not really sure why you’re asking about the length of other posters’ sex sessions, or telling us how long it takes for you to orgasm…is this information really necessary at this point in the thread?

Yes.

OP, 20 minutes. This sounds so awful. You do not owe him sex.

I agree I dont think it matters because what does is how it is framed between the two of you. It could be quick or slow and long as long as both partners are happy and in agreement

Your issue isnt incompatibility - it is that your DH is aware of what is causing you to not what to meet his needs. Pain and discomfort due to scarring from and that after 45 minutes of PIV (which is in any world a very long time) it gets pain. Pain which he doesnt care about.

@supersonicspider

I'd stop wasting money on counselling and end it and walk away with some dignity he sounds awful

@supersonicspider

Just wanted to add that it may be an idea for your own comfort long term to get things checked by a gynaecologist.
I had scarring and pain after my 2nd child (I had had 30 odd stitches with my first) and just tried to live with it.
I finally got up enough courage to ask my doctor for a referral...11 years after the birth! Turns out things hadn't healed as they should have.
I have had a successful surgery and things are far far better now. So worth a check if you haven't had one.
Regarding your DH's behaviour ....he is disgusting for behaving the way he did. He had no regard or respect for you or your comfort whatsoever.

Most women would find 45 minutes of PIV sex uncomfortable, it's not you!

Get some lube. And once you've had enough, stop. If he wants to thrust away for an hour that's great, but if you're done after 15 minutes he needs to either hurry up or sort himself out.

Next time (if there ever IS a next time after his awful behaviour) I’d be tempted to pull a book out from under the pillow and say over my shoulder “Let me know when you’re finished, Okay?”
Make sure it’s a subtle one, like “Why does he do that?” Or “DIY Divorce”, etc

I grimaced reading this but it wasn't a sex face.
I don't believe sex with this man was ever "amazing", no matter what he's had you believe.

The whole thing sounds awful to me and very much about him

45 mins session whilst the kids are downstairs - urghh
Spitting on his cock
Mimicking you
Being happy to carry on when he knows you're hurting

Sounds just awful. It would be a long time before I ever went near him again

Are you okay OP?