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Original poster

Felt humiliated straight after sex

324 replies

supersonicspider · 13/03/2022 07:35

DH and I have been having problems and are doing marriage counselling. Sex has been off the cards for a while because I've not wanted to be intimate if we've been bickering, low libido due to recently starting antidepressants and intercourse can become painful after around 45 minutes due to scarring.
I agreed to try to be more intimate so last Saturday morning, a kiss and a cuddle in bed led to sex. Kids downstairs watching tv which puts me slightly on edge.
DH knows I don't want sex to go on for too long because of pain and risk of kids disturbing us. DH loves long, slow sex so we're slightly incompatible these days with that regard. Before second child came along, sex was still amazing.
Anyway... about half an hour into it, we switch to doggy style. He wants me to talk dirty which we sometimes do when we've had a glass of wine and it's at night. This however was morning, bright sunshine coming through skylights with me saying "fuck me, I want you to fuck me" I'm trying to do what he likes but did feel a bit silly and self conscious.
After another 10 minutes or so, I stop and lay down... it's become painful and he has spat on his cock a few times which I find gross. He said he'd buy some lube which he never did.
We've been together 20 years by the way and in early 40s. Sex was always amazing before things started to feel rocky within our marriage, hence the counselling.
DH gets straight out of bed saying that he couldn't climax because I didn't look like I was enjoying it, I was being too quiet and then he imitated me by pulling a grimacing sex face, saying that's what I looked like. I felt really embarrassed and said I'm sorry but I just became too painful and I thought he was going to get some lube. I also said that I thought he understood that I can't have sex for ages these days but apparently he was expecting a sex marathon that morning. He made me feel embarrassed and humiliated as he left me in bed to go into the en-suite bathroom to shower (and presumably to finish himself off). I felt upset because I'd tried and my vagina was hurting. I'd had my not so skinny arse in the air at him in broad daylight just moments before and he did a horrible impression of me? This was last weekend and now the thought of having sex with him again is not good.
I don't know how we're going to get back on track. Sex is a vital for him but not for me.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 13/03/2022 08:37

Sorry need lub not club!

raspberryjamchicken · 13/03/2022 08:37

God, I could never enjoy sex if the kids were awake, let alone for 45 minutes. I'd constantly be on edge. And then to try to continue while you're in pain. He sounds completely unreasonable. I know it's embarrassing but I would probably try to talk about it in the next counselling session. If he can't understand why what he's done is wrong, I wouldn't see much future in the relationship.

HailAdrian · 13/03/2022 08:38

I'd be getting bored and sore after 45mins of penetration too.

BurntO · 13/03/2022 08:38

God who wants to be going on that long with kids downstairs. Mornings are for quickies. I think a part of him knows this and felt self conscious about the fact nothing was happening quickly so he put all the blame on you which is a disgusting thing to do when you’re already feeling vulnerable. He sounds incredibly selfish

Justilou1 · 13/03/2022 08:38

If he was any good, it wouldn’t need 45 mins. HE has issues here @supersonicspider. Please stop carrying the burden of responsibility for this. HIS sexual needs are not more important than yours. EVER.

deeplyambivalent · 13/03/2022 08:38

So sorry, OP, that sounds miserable.

Not the point, I know, but in your own interests it probably would be best for you to buy something good like Liquid Silk online, because I'm assuming that if he does actually make the effort to get some lube it'll be KY or something crappy and won't help as much for the discomfort.

That presupposes you ever want to have sex with him again, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't

Fadeout83 · 13/03/2022 08:39

Who the hell likes sex that long at our age?! Sorry only half joking. He’s an absolute twit and if my husband had done that to me I’d seriously have to re-examine the future we had together. It’s not about the sex, it’s the basic lack of respect. He knows you’re in pain and he expects you to get on your knees and not only tolerate it but throw in a “fuck me daddy” for his pleasure.

PermanentTemporary · 13/03/2022 08:39

I'd be telling your counsellor you lost your voice when trying to talk about sex, it's that difficult for you. Not unusual.

pinkyredrose · 13/03/2022 08:39

know you’ve sorted your contraception but I think you could also buy the lube- saying he wants sex so he should buy it is quite off putting

Hmm How the hell is it off-putting?

OP he sounds awful. Does he think he deserves sex because he 'pulls his weight' around the house? I bet you also pull your weight around the house. You deserve to be treated with respect not as a wank sock.

I don't think I'd ever want sex with him again.

Ilostit · 13/03/2022 08:40

Oh OP how horrible!! This is not normal. Don’t let people dismiss how you feel. He’s being very cruel. What do you want to do? I think that’s what you need to have a think about? Personally it’s gone beyond the counselling (as far as I can see) he’s being so horrible to you and you don’t deserve to feel like this. I don’t want to tell you to LTB but what’s the solution for you?

tinkywinkyshandbag · 13/03/2022 08:40

God the thought of being penetrated for 45 minutes makes me wince - does that include foreplay/oral as well or is that just the main event? If he wants you to enjoy it he needs to pay attention to your needs, and buying lube is the least of it!

NutellaEllaElla · 13/03/2022 08:40

If you're not talking about being humiliated and him inflicting pain on you then you might as well not go.

Honestly, i'd leave OP.

45 mins of penetration would hurt me too, and many/most women, especially without lube. He sounds like he doesn't give a shit about your pleasure or even wellbeing if he's HAPPY to make fun of your PAIN and criticise you for his own failings. I feel so sorry for you and I hope you find the strength to leave him. Masturbation is so much better than this.

ImInStealthMode · 13/03/2022 08:41

@RandomBasic

Classic porn overuse
I don't think this always needs to be the answer.

I slept with met a number of men in my youth who are convinced (from popular culture, talk among peers etc) that to be good in bed is to last a long time. Cumming too soon is the subject of many jokes, you must have heard some of them?

As long as both people are having their needs met then personally I'd much rather it happen whenever in the moment than the bloke be doing bloody maths equations in his head to stave it off for an hourConfused

NutellaEllaElla · 13/03/2022 08:41

to counselling that is

JemInher40s · 13/03/2022 08:41

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can relate to the long sex sessions, 30- 40 mins off straight penetration in my opinion is too long. In my case if I'm not feeling it I just stop, or might go limp.
However, as other posters have stated the issue is your partner being inconsiderate of your pain. I hope you can resolve the situation.

lapsat · 13/03/2022 08:42

No one should be telling this woman that lube is the solution. Or what brand to buy.

"Oh he's hitting you? Wear this type of padded armour it'll hurt less."

He KNOWS. She's just been abused then vilified by him for not pretending to like it.

Fuck counselling, you should be talking to a solicitor about the divorce. X

pinkyredrose · 13/03/2022 08:43

have some sensitivity to him trying to deal with your flighty libido and growing frigidness. It can’t be easy for him knowing you hate being intimate with him

Fucking hell! Shock What a revolting attitude. Definitely a man's point of view. It can't be easy for her knowing her husband is willing to fuck her when she doesn’t want it and she's in pain!

Lurking9to5 · 13/03/2022 08:43

Eugh So he was hurting you and then he gets up in a huff and mocks you for the face you were making? He should be focusing on the fact that he was hurting you. What a dickhead.

notthatonethisone · 13/03/2022 08:44

God. I don't even know what to say but I just couldn't not post and give you a virtual hug.

The guy is a dickhead. You know that right.

Does he spend any time on you? Does he make sure you are happy, satisfied, turned on?

He knows it hurts you but still chooses to have long sex. He is actively choosing his pleasure over your pain. I can't get my head round it.

I wouldn't buy lube. The fact he hasn't bothered shows how little regard he has for you comfort. And I wouldn't want to have sex with him anyway.

If you can send an email or write it down for your counselling. But that's if you want to. I'm not sure how I could come back from this. It's just all so cruel.

The mimicking is such cuntish behaviour. Have you said how much it upset you? I had one who did it once. (Not about sex but just my shit resting face) and when I said it's disrespectful he did stop. But he was also a dick so let's not go there...!

I feel the pain in your thread and it's horrible. It's the fact someone so close to you can hurt you so much Thanks

Velvian · 13/03/2022 08:44

I could not ever be in the mood when the DCs are up and about. A sex marathon would totally put me off at any time.

He has been a sexually abusive arsehole and I'm not sure I could ever trust him enough to have sex ever again tbh. I would consider LTB after this @supersonicspider, you don't have to have sex with him ever again.

He sounds like a very unpleasant person.

katepilar · 13/03/2022 08:45

Thats sounds awful for you. How can someone be so cruel to expect long sex when he knows you dont enjoy it and find it painfull is beyond my understanding.

deeplyambivalent · 13/03/2022 08:45

It amazes me how so many men just DO NOT GET the concept of pain during sex. Sure, in some cases they don't care, but it also seems to be that they just can't imagine it.

BrightonBunny · 13/03/2022 08:45

45 minutes? Fuck that shit.

Why do you want to save this marriage? It seems to me you would be far happier out of it. Flowers

Redberries85 · 13/03/2022 08:48

He sounds vile

CaMePlaitPas · 13/03/2022 08:48

I mean this gently, but sex is part of a normal healthy relationship. There are people in sexless relationships and there are people in relationships who don't have sex with one another but go elsewhere, with consent. It doesn't sound to me that your husband wants to be in a sexless relationship, so you are going to have to think about how you proceed with your marriage.

How is he outside of the bedroom? He didn't conduct himself very well last weekend, but is he a good partner to you? Do your (non sexual) needs get met? Don't give us the spiel of him being a great Dad, this is your relationship and you need to look closely at it for your own sanity and long term happiness.

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