Felt humiliated straight after sex

[supersonicspider]

DH and I have been having problems and are doing marriage counselling. Sex has been off the cards for a while because I've not wanted to be intimate if we've been bickering, low libido due to recently starting antidepressants and intercourse can become painful after around 45 minutes due to scarring.
I agreed to try to be more intimate so last Saturday morning, a kiss and a cuddle in bed led to sex. Kids downstairs watching tv which puts me slightly on edge.
DH knows I don't want sex to go on for too long because of pain and risk of kids disturbing us. DH loves long, slow sex so we're slightly incompatible these days with that regard. Before second child came along, sex was still amazing.
Anyway... about half an hour into it, we switch to doggy style. He wants me to talk dirty which we sometimes do when we've had a glass of wine and it's at night. This however was morning, bright sunshine coming through skylights with me saying "fuck me, I want you to fuck me" I'm trying to do what he likes but did feel a bit silly and self conscious.
After another 10 minutes or so, I stop and lay down... it's become painful and he has spat on his cock a few times which I find gross. He said he'd buy some lube which he never did.
We've been together 20 years by the way and in early 40s. Sex was always amazing before things started to feel rocky within our marriage, hence the counselling.
DH gets straight out of bed saying that he couldn't climax because I didn't look like I was enjoying it, I was being too quiet and then he imitated me by pulling a grimacing sex face, saying that's what I looked like. I felt really embarrassed and said I'm sorry but I just became too painful and I thought he was going to get some lube. I also said that I thought he understood that I can't have sex for ages these days but apparently he was expecting a sex marathon that morning. He made me feel embarrassed and humiliated as he left me in bed to go into the en-suite bathroom to shower (and presumably to finish himself off). I felt upset because I'd tried and my vagina was hurting. I'd had my not so skinny arse in the air at him in broad daylight just moments before and he did a horrible impression of me? This was last weekend and now the thought of having sex with him again is not good.
I don't know how we're going to get back on track. Sex is a vital for him but not for me.

@DawnMumsnet Thank you

You say you’re seeing a counsellor - have things improved since then?

I’m really shocked that it seems you can’t have a conversation with your long-term partner and if you really want to try and make it work I’d think about getting a new counsellor for starters.

If things still don’t improve then you know the relationship is over.

45 minutes of sweaty jackhammer is torture.
After 10 minutes, I'd be getting out my shopping list.
"So you out of constipation sachets?"
"Seems that toe fungus is back. What was that stuff again?"

Oh man that's too long and in the morning with the kids downstairs and dirty talk. No just no......you need to set some boundaries in your counselling sessions. Morn ing sex should be a quick fumble and done. Not a marathon. Mocking you is cruel he doesnt really sound like that nice a guy.

I thought you had mistyped 45mins, crikey. No bloody way with the kids downstairs!
You are putting up with a lot and not saying anything. He'll have to compromise and have quickies on those mornings or not at all. Like 10 mins max. I know how you feel trying to keep an ear open to the kids you just want it over quick.

This thread is really upsetting me. Ooof.

I just wanted to add that lubrication is not the only issue here. I have been lubricated naturally whilst being sexually coerced and it did nothing to lessen my psychological anguish or confusion. My ex often touched me deliberately to get me wet as proof I really wanted it all along but was just being a bitch in refusing him.

Even if OP 'solves' the lubrication issue it wouldn't change his attitude to sex and I suspect he'd then want sex even more regardless of whether OP wanted it or not. I could be wrong but it's worth mentioning as a possibility.

Eewww how awful for you! 45 mins of him banging away and he thinks you're the one with the problem?! Ridiculous. Kids downstairs and you're sore?! What a loser he is. Nothing wrong with you love it's him

Tell him to go bore someone else with his amateur dramatics!

@BigOlDingleSlinger69

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Good god. You are disgusting. I've never had a man do this to me and if one ever did it would be the last time I ever had sex with him again.

@ItMustBeBedtimeSurely

45 minutes?? Sounds incredibly tedious. I wouldn’t be having sex with him ever again based on his ridiculous expectations. The mimicking is just the cherry on top tbh.

That's what I thought! 45 mins of penetrative sex? Especially when he knows it can be painful for you?!

[quote MotherofAutism]@SpaceFarce Sorry but it's not bollocks for most people. Usually when you feel intensely attracted to somebody, downstairs becomes very lubricated. If that's not happening for you then that could be for a number of reasons but it's wrong to say it's bollocks just because it's not the case for you[/quote]
@MotherofAutism The original comment I responded to was “LTB. You’ll be amazed how well your vagina self-lubricates when you get an opportunity to offer it to someone you’re mentally attracted to.” and this is bollocks. It doesn’t for everyone and perpetuating this inaccurate information makes people like me and @aSofaNearYou (and probably many many others!) feel weird/inadequate because they need some help. Advising someone to LTB because they don’t self-lubricate IS bollocks and I stand by it.

(Of course there are many other reasonable to LthisparticularB and I’m not saying OP shouldn’t. I’m just saying needing lube is not a sign on its own that you’re not attracted to your partner).

Even if OP 'solves' the lubrication issue it wouldn't change his attitude to sex and I suspect he'd then want sex even more regardless of whether OP wanted it or not. I could be wrong but it's worth mentioning as a possibility.

I agree.
A lot of posters are focusing on the spitting but that’s a red herring.

They had sex without lube.
He ‘forgot’ and OP still went along with it even though she was uncomfortable physically and emotionally - that’s not ok.

I was the person with the “LTB” comment. I apologise for not littering my comment with caveats … he sounds like a “real peach” and he mocked her for a myriad of reasons- and it certainly sounds like it’s an ongoing problem within their relationship - a relationship littered with problems.

I can only speak from my own personal experience of my ex husband being so deeply unattractive (to me) - not so much physically repulsive - but his repulsive personality - left me as dry as a rock.

I’m not frigid. I’m not “hard work”. I just didn’t want to have sex with him.

Buying lube would not have fixed our broken relationship. I’d have just had him brandishing them bottle at me with a look of intent.

it’s caused so many problems but fundamentally he has accepted it (I think!?) If he hurts me he’s extremely apologetic and never means to.
@BrutusMcDogface

This is so messed up.

Dh and I had years of mismatched sex drives due to 3 dc in quick succession. I used to feel like a robot trying to perform.
@TheVolturi

This is also f messed up.

@DrSbaitso

I’ve never heard women say they have a problem withit.

That's because the only thing you have to worry about with those ones is whether you've got the puncture repair kit.

@EdgeOfSeventeenAndThreeQuarter

I was the person with the “LTB” comment. I apologise for not littering my comment with caveats … he sounds like a “real peach” and he mocked her for a myriad of reasons- and it certainly sounds like it’s an ongoing problem within their relationship - a relationship littered with problems.

I can only speak from my own personal experience of my ex husband being so deeply unattractive (to me) - not so much physically repulsive - but his repulsive personality - left me as dry as a rock.

I’m not frigid. I’m not “hard work”. I just didn’t want to have sex with him.

Buying lube would not have fixed our broken relationship. I’d have just had him brandishing them bottle at me with a look of intent.

Same. My ex had me thinking I was weird, frigid, a prude and also odd for not liking 45 min sessions (I am so relieved to read this thread). I needed lube. New partner of 5 years, no issues whatsoever mainly as he never ever pressures me or is otherwise critical of my sexual performance. As a result no lube required.

Thanks for all your responses. You have made me feel validated and see that what he did straight after sex was not ok.
I'm shocked at how many of you are surprised by sex taking around 45mins as this is usual for us, sometimes an hour. I usually cum pretty quickly and it's usually enjoyable although I do end up wishing he'd hurry up during the last 10 mins. How long does a 'normal' session of sex last for you? Before antidepressants I'd get and stay fairly wet but the pills have really changed my libido plus like I said, the bickering is a turn off. DH would probably say that were bickering because of lack of sex however.
I would probably have been alright had it been a 15 minute quickie that morning, but the prospect of a mini marathon is often why I don't want to get started. He knows this though as we've discussed in the last. We've had our final session of counselling because it was so expensive. We managed to utilise some strategies to get on better but not discussed sex during one session which I found excruciatingly embarrassing.

The average length of time people have penis in vagina sex is under 6 minutes - last study was 3 minutes and I think 34 thrusts (or something like that)

Personally I'd be bored as fuck after more than 20 minutes

He's clearly wanking too much and has death grip

45-90 mins on an evening for us! Granted since DD it's only been 1/2 a week. Never morning sex as I feel grim and like to get up and crack on with the day!

I couldn't stand a long sex session every single time?! That would put me right off. 20 mins or less and I'm good. Anymore than that? I'm watching the clock.

Why does he need such a long session?

PIV 25-45 mins of that time I'd estimate to be clearer

OP, I am not really sure why you’re asking about the length of other posters’ sex sessions, or telling us how long it takes for you to orgasm…is this information really necessary at this point in the thread?

@supersonicspider

Thanks for all your responses. You have made me feel validated and see that what he did straight after sex was not ok. I'm shocked at how many of you are surprised by sex taking around 45mins as this is usual for us, sometimes an hour. I usually cum pretty quickly and it's usually enjoyable although I do end up wishing he'd hurry up during the last 10 mins. How long does a 'normal' session of sex last for you? Before antidepressants I'd get and stay fairly wet but the pills have really changed my libido plus like I said, the bickering is a turn off. DH would probably say that were bickering because of lack of sex however. I would probably have been alright had it been a 15 minute quickie that morning, but the prospect of a mini marathon is often why I don't want to get started. He knows this though as we've discussed in the last. We've had our final session of counselling because it was so expensive. We managed to utilise some strategies to get on better but not discussed sex during one session which I found excruciatingly embarrassing.

15 minutes is a normal sesh to me, I can't imagine any longer than that being pleasurable at all. The whole thing might take longer if there's a lot of build up and foreplay but the PIV bit wouldn't be anywhere close to that long.

@FridaRose- why messed up? Don’t we all have “oops, sorry!” Moments?