Felt humiliated straight after sex

[supersonicspider]

DH and I have been having problems and are doing marriage counselling. Sex has been off the cards for a while because I've not wanted to be intimate if we've been bickering, low libido due to recently starting antidepressants and intercourse can become painful after around 45 minutes due to scarring.
I agreed to try to be more intimate so last Saturday morning, a kiss and a cuddle in bed led to sex. Kids downstairs watching tv which puts me slightly on edge.
DH knows I don't want sex to go on for too long because of pain and risk of kids disturbing us. DH loves long, slow sex so we're slightly incompatible these days with that regard. Before second child came along, sex was still amazing.
Anyway... about half an hour into it, we switch to doggy style. He wants me to talk dirty which we sometimes do when we've had a glass of wine and it's at night. This however was morning, bright sunshine coming through skylights with me saying "fuck me, I want you to fuck me" I'm trying to do what he likes but did feel a bit silly and self conscious.
After another 10 minutes or so, I stop and lay down... it's become painful and he has spat on his cock a few times which I find gross. He said he'd buy some lube which he never did.
We've been together 20 years by the way and in early 40s. Sex was always amazing before things started to feel rocky within our marriage, hence the counselling.
DH gets straight out of bed saying that he couldn't climax because I didn't look like I was enjoying it, I was being too quiet and then he imitated me by pulling a grimacing sex face, saying that's what I looked like. I felt really embarrassed and said I'm sorry but I just became too painful and I thought he was going to get some lube. I also said that I thought he understood that I can't have sex for ages these days but apparently he was expecting a sex marathon that morning. He made me feel embarrassed and humiliated as he left me in bed to go into the en-suite bathroom to shower (and presumably to finish himself off). I felt upset because I'd tried and my vagina was hurting. I'd had my not so skinny arse in the air at him in broad daylight just moments before and he did a horrible impression of me? This was last weekend and now the thought of having sex with him again is not good.
I don't know how we're going to get back on track. Sex is a vital for him but not for me.

30-45 minutes of intercourse? No wonder you're sore and bored. I would be too. He needs to learn to be adaptable and get it over with more quickly.

Is he watching a lot of porn?

Were you enjoying it at all op? A morning quickie is one thing, but a half hour session with dirty talk and spitting while kids watch TV downstairs sounds quite stressful (to me). Sex should not only be exactly how he wants it to be, and throwing a tantrum when things don't go to plan is revolting.

45 mins of PIV sex?? No wonder you're in pain!!! The mocking is something else
You are really not the best problem here...

45 minutes, Christ. Why does it have to go on so long?

Get him to put some groundnut oil on his cock next time and hopefully it will be over in a few minutes

I would buy the lube and seek a sex therapist.

I'm sorry. He sounds quite disgusting (spitting yuck!) and cruel to me to initiate you like that. Does he have any respect for you? This isn't how you treat someone you love,. especially as the goal here should have been nurturing a restored sense of connection. For him it was just about sex? Discuss it in counselling for sure.

An aside but don't put yourself in the position of having sex without lube. Say no. Your wellbeing and pleasure are linked and of course you won't want it again if it's painful.

• imitate sorry

45 minutes of him banging away? Jeez..

I think he's the one with the issues not you. I wouldn't want sex if I knew someone was going to be hammering away at me for 45 minutes and then subsequently blaming me for him not coming, and also mocking me.

And he seemed to have no interest in your pleasure -it was just about his orgasm. honestly OP, don't feel guilty. He sounds awful.

45 mins is probably longer than I've ever had sex for!
With your health concerns, this sounds horrifically painful!

His impersonation of you was very rude and distrpectful. If you were in pain, of course you will pull uncomfortable faces! But the fact you were grinning and bearing it, shows how much you want to please him. (And yet he doesn't see that)

I remember a very similar incident with me and my husband. I actually felt really cross with him. I was trying to please him, but my facial expression was not to his taste.

I think that having sex when you don't want to is always going to be shit. Maybe you don't need counselling together. You need to tell him you are not attracted to him and don't enjoy sex at the moment. You should not be having sex to just make him happy.

Buy the line in case you can ever bring yourself to consider sex with him again after that behaviour!! I really think doctors should warn us about that side effect from antidepressants.

He was cruel to you, and OMG the spitting on his cock and wanting dirty talk when the kids are in the house is just rank.He is treating you like dirt and wanting his own little porn situation. He's definitely watching it.

On a side note - I'm still a bit at a 45minute shag!!!

The LUBE!!! Not the line!!

Penetrative sex for 45 minutes!!!!!
When the kids are downstairs?

I think the porn question is relevant as to why he seems to need a lot of stimulation, sex talk etc, and his horrible objectifying response to you. He is treating you like a blow up doll. Or expecting you to behave like a woman in a porn video.

But whatever the background, his behaviour is unacceptable in every way.

You tried to make space for and be open to intimacy, doing your bit, and he betrayed your trust most horribly.

Sometimes making the effort, ‘acting as if’, does help re-awake the sex and intimacy habit in the thick of baby and toddler years. But it requires total trust and mutual respect.

I hope you can use the support of this thread to talk frankly about this in your next counselling session. Whatever you end up doing, I think your DH needs to hear what the problem is, and talking to him by yourself isn’t ‘safe’ because he will just mock you further.

well she might not actually need lube if he bothered to turn her on and didn't hammer away for hours.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.
He was frustrated and mimicking you is just wrong and hurtful.
I know you’ve sorted your contraception but I think you could also buy the lube- saying he wants sex so he should buy it is quite off putting.
I think he was feeling hurt, he was trying everything to make you feel happy but seeing a grimace on your face can also make him feel rubbish too- that you’re not attracted to him and not turned on by him.
You’re both at counselling, I know you said you felt uncomfortable talking about sex but k think for your marriage to work you need to try get over this fear and discuss properly why it’s not working for you.
You had a great sex life before, he will be used to the time you used to spend together and even though things have changed, he will want the old times back.
I think you should be open with each other in counselling, tell him how he made you feel this morning.
Try do a few romantic things for each other, arrange childcare and have a proper relaxing date night and see where it leads.

I’m not condoning any of his behaviour- what he did was awful

He probably wanted dirty talk to help him be quicker because he was aware it was taking a long time.
He chose to blame and humiliate you instead of addressing and admitting that he takes so long and why that might be. Also the fact he doesn’t get you wet. He feels inadequate.

He's absolutely horrible
He fucked you for an hour with your kids downstairs knowing you were in pain and then mocked you for not being into it enough?
Grim.

OP I feel really terrible for you. That is vile, disrespectful behaviour and unloving to the extreme.

He sounds horrendous. You don't have to live like this you know. What a cruel and selfish man. You deserve better.

Look: The OP didn’t buy lube because he said he would.

If my DH says he is going to buy Weetabix, I don’t put it on my shopping list.

Why the fuck should she buy the lube? He wants to get his end away, making sure his partner is comfortable is the absolute least he can do! If my dh mocked me after sex i would be so upset and id really struggle to make myself that vulnerable again with him. And who has time for 45 minutes sex marathons with kids!?

What I’m getting from this is that your pleasure doesn’t really matter to him at all, in fact he’d rather you were in pain if it means he can have his ‘slow’ sex and finish.

Do you ever finish during these sessions?

To mock you being in pain is also beyond cruel. I’m not surprised you don’t want to have sex with him.

Also I agree with you regarding how you sort out the responsibility of not having another child so the least he can do is purchase something that benefits you. Sounds as if he really doesn’t give a shit.

Really sorry you’re going through this.

Urgh how vile of him. I’d have a talk later where you tell him what he did was horribly inappropriate - tell him his face looks weird & ugly too when he’s having sex with you sometimes but you would be so disrespectful to say. Tell him it’s properly damaged your trust in him in such an intimate act. Tell him it’s breached your boundaries for what is acceptable and sex is now off the cards until he finds a way to gain your trust back.

What a grade A knob.

Sounds like your marriage is in it's death throws OP. He doesn't sound like a nice man and you don't sound happy with him. 45 mins of PIV is ridiculous anyway, I'd be sore even with lube after that not to mention bored out my mind. Do you even enjoy the sex initially or is it just 45 minutes of you feeling bored, awkward, in pain, and counting the seconds until it's over? Can you get individual councelling as well to help think about what you actually want your life to look like?

What an arsehole he is