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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Financially irresponsible man?

191 replies

Stealmyheart · 12/03/2022 20:31

I've been going out with a really nice bloke, it's coming up to a year now of meeting but been exclusive for about 8 months.

He's always been honest about the fact that he has 'no money' as he is in the process of trying to launch a business (what seems like extremely slowly) but thing is, in the mean time it seems he is just not paying his bills and living on mounting credit.

There was an incident a few months ago when a bailiff knocked on the door and he was forced then to sort of come clean about his money issues but thing is he still hasn't earned any money at all and in my opinion hasn't really made steps to find an income.

He made a comment the other day that he'll just go stacking shelves if needed, good for you I thought, go on then. But nothing.

He has not brought in any money in two years now. He left his well paid full time job when covid hit in a 'now or never' sort of way as his job wouldn't furlough him so he just quit, he already had the business idea but it is a tech based start up so in need of £ investment before he can actually make it.

I asked him a few months ago how he was living and he said 'just savings'. I know this not to be the case though. He gets some UC but for a single person it is hardly any, it wouldn't cover his rent alone per month.

I think he might be taking money out of his business account per month to buy food etc, he has some individual investors who have put money in early doors before the business is launched. Is this even allowed? I'm not self employed myself but I know SO many people who are. But all of them started their businesses on their own from scratch and made sure they were off the ground before leaving paid employment.

I'm wondering if this guy is just burying his head in the sand or is this sort of thing normal pre launching a business? Is there usually a period of years before any income is generated?

I like him a lot but as we approach the year mark I wonder if there is any future for us together long term. I've made some bad financial decisions in the past regarding partners which is one of the reasons I still don't own a house so I'm really wary at the moment. For instance I couldn't imagine a world we could ever live together as I don't want to financially link to someone with bad credit not to mention not bringing money in.

For context. I'm a single mum. Work full time long hours, not a high earner but average full time wage (public sector). Zero assets and just about covering my bills.

OP posts:

TypicallyTopically · 12/03/2022 20:32

Run away and don't look back

Original poster

Stealmyheart · 12/03/2022 21:30

Oh dear. That simple?

OP posts:

TypicallyTopically · 12/03/2022 21:31

Yeah he'll ruin your life.

GeneLovesJezebel · 12/03/2022 21:34

Yep, run.

Summerbubbles · 12/03/2022 21:38

Run

RebeccaManderley · 12/03/2022 21:38

It's not as bad as physical or verbal abuse, but it will still be a nightmare if you stay with him. Having someone like that as a partner means always being solely responsible for bills and always wondering if bailiffs will knock at the door.

MissConductUS · 12/03/2022 21:40

If you want to get married bin him and find someone else. If you just want a casual relationship let him sink on his own.

Original poster

Stealmyheart · 12/03/2022 21:42

I have no desire to get married. I'm still not divorced from my DC Dad (can't afford it yet) but I do like him as a person and we have a nice time together. I just have never known anyone who does not have ANY money coming in before. I find it baffling.

OP posts:

Acheyknees · 12/03/2022 21:42

No, he'll drag you down with him

Original poster

Stealmyheart · 12/03/2022 21:48

If I stay seeing him but cool off a bit do you think I should have that conversation with him about why?? Or just be a bit less available? I don't want to hurt him and I don't think I want to just dump him either, but I am trying to be realistic about if it could ever last.

OP posts:

catfunk · 12/03/2022 21:54

Honestly op, fuck that.

unsync · 12/03/2022 22:21

Please don't do this. I've been there. This type of financial abuse will erode everything. It will destroy you.

papper · 12/03/2022 22:22

RUN

Original poster

Stealmyheart · 12/03/2022 22:27

I hadn't really considered it as financial abuse. As in abuse of services or his investors rather than me? I have been in an abusive relationship before which was largely financial and I'm out of that now and independent.

OP posts:

D0lphine · 12/03/2022 22:39

Hm depends what sort of relationship you want with him.

Would you want to get married or live together down the line?

Personally I think that if you're just seeing each other casually for dates his finances shouldn't be a problem.

But if you want to move in or get married or have another DC this is NOT the man to do it with.

Make sure your contraception is watertight!!!

Original poster

Stealmyheart · 12/03/2022 22:43

We certainly don't want any more children. I would not necessarily want to remarry either. I know he does though.
Living together long term is something I'd like I think although I'm happy with my lot in my rented house. One day down the line in the future I'd like to buy my own house.
This guy would not be able to do that for at least 7 years so I'd have to do that myself.

OP posts:

venusandmars · 12/03/2022 22:47

You might not expect full financial transparency after 8 months (i.e exact details of salary or investments and pensions), but he is being extremely unfair in not disclosing how he is living when he has no income coming in.

I would need to know: are you solvent, or are you not?

If you go for dinner and split the bill, how is his half being financed?

D0lphine · 12/03/2022 22:48

I wouldn't live with this man, personally.

Do you want bailiffs knocking on your door when your kids are home? Because that's likely to happen if you do.

So I think you should probably move on, although that's hard to hear.

Lots of couples argue a lot about finances. Imagine if you rented together and he couldn't pay rent bills food etc.

Imagine if he started another crazy business. The strain it would put you under would be intense.

JimmyDurham · 12/03/2022 22:49

@Stealmyheart

Dump him. Now. If not, sooner of later he will ask for a loan and it will be 1000 times worse

Don't worry about letting him down gently. He will drag you down quick enough if you stay with him and the "business" goes bust.

Original poster

Stealmyheart · 12/03/2022 22:55

He finances his half by credit card. Same as how he puts petrol in his car or buys things at the co op.

I don't know how much he owes but he is definitely of the attitude "I'll pay it off when the business launched" His card has been declined when we've been to places before.

I know for a fact he hasn't got any money coming in other that a few hundred in UC benefit.

Other than trying to get the business launched there is no reason for him to be out of work for instance no health issues that mean he can't etc.

He does 'do' stuff each day, lots of networking etc but it is annoying when I work such long hours and he doesn't.

OP posts:

Icanflyhigh · 12/03/2022 22:56

For clarity, I was totally transparent work DH from day 1. I was still maried (separated) and going through a divorce and I was dead honest about living essentially hand to mouth at that time. I was in an IVA - taken out about 6 months before we met.
I got my IVA completion certificate and became solvent a week before our wedding day and it was the best feeling ever.
No skeletons hiding re debt, because I'd been totally upfront about my financial position.
Not everyone is the same, I know, but I know my exH is still living in cloud cuckoo land and has now moved on to GF3 since me and is looking to go into business with her - the previous 2 ran for the hills because he tried to hide his significant debt from them.

Original poster

Stealmyheart · 12/03/2022 23:00

What's an IVA is that like bankruptcy where you consolidate all the debt and make an agreement to pay it off in a certain time? He should definitely do that. But we don't have the transparency to have those conversations at the moment I think he's embarrassed. I'm very financially independent as I have to be on top of things (because I'm not a irresponsible idiot and I have DC to care for!)

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/03/2022 23:05

Leave now.

My Dad (lovely and talented man in many ways) ‘ran’ his own business, but was a dreamer who couldn’t have run a sweet shop, it was bailiffs at the door and misery all round. It’s a horrible way to live.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/03/2022 23:07

I'm very financially independent as I have to be on top of things (because I'm not a irresponsible idiot and I have DC to care for!)

This is why you should walk before you get more involved OP. It just isn't worth the risk, especially when you've worked hard to be financially independent and responsible and you have a child.

D0lphine · 12/03/2022 23:09

@Stealmyheart

An IVA is an alternative to bankruptcy.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/debt-and-money/debt-solutions/individual-voluntary-arrangements/

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