Financially irresponsible man?

[Stealmyheart]

I've been going out with a really nice bloke, it's coming up to a year now of meeting but been exclusive for about 8 months.

He's always been honest about the fact that he has 'no money' as he is in the process of trying to launch a business (what seems like extremely slowly) but thing is, in the mean time it seems he is just not paying his bills and living on mounting credit.

There was an incident a few months ago when a bailiff knocked on the door and he was forced then to sort of come clean about his money issues but thing is he still hasn't earned any money at all and in my opinion hasn't really made steps to find an income.

He made a comment the other day that he'll just go stacking shelves if needed, good for you I thought, go on then. But nothing.

He has not brought in any money in two years now. He left his well paid full time job when covid hit in a 'now or never' sort of way as his job wouldn't furlough him so he just quit, he already had the business idea but it is a tech based start up so in need of £ investment before he can actually make it.

I asked him a few months ago how he was living and he said 'just savings'. I know this not to be the case though. He gets some UC but for a single person it is hardly any, it wouldn't cover his rent alone per month.

I think he might be taking money out of his business account per month to buy food etc, he has some individual investors who have put money in early doors before the business is launched. Is this even allowed? I'm not self employed myself but I know SO many people who are. But all of them started their businesses on their own from scratch and made sure they were off the ground before leaving paid employment.

I'm wondering if this guy is just burying his head in the sand or is this sort of thing normal pre launching a business? Is there usually a period of years before any income is generated?

I like him a lot but as we approach the year mark I wonder if there is any future for us together long term. I've made some bad financial decisions in the past regarding partners which is one of the reasons I still don't own a house so I'm really wary at the moment. For instance I couldn't imagine a world we could ever live together as I don't want to financially link to someone with bad credit not to mention not bringing money in.

For context. I'm a single mum. Work full time long hours, not a high earner but average full time wage (public sector). Zero assets and just about covering my bills.

Also his response to yours was unacceptable. As others have said he sounds like a dreamer with little drive meaning there is a very strong risk of him dragging tou down with him.

Whatever you do do not join finances and do not become an officer of his company!!!!

OP,
No surprise there, your gut was well attuned to this con man.

This is not going to end well for him, and you certainly don't want to be there when things go tits up and his investors come calling.

His dismissive, defensiveness screams to me that he thought he had you fooled and that you are a mug.

He thought you dim enough to believe his lies.

Thank goodness you have seen through him.

Pain was inevitable with him, he's on the road to nowhere.

Feel the pain and move on.

You would never have any peace with someone so dishonest.

Be prepared for him to try and love bomb you.

He's got used to not having to work. He thinks he's special. Reality is he's leaching off the taxpayer / "investors" and it is now catching up with him - baillifs etc, meaning he won't be able to take out further credit. The government joke of a business loan scheme during covid where they were handing out 50k like confetti won't happen again due to the level of fraud, corruption and general misuse - wonder why so any people could afford renovations and houses during Covid... Meanwhile you guy is left in the pub spending remnants of other peoples money with bailiffs at his door and his dreams of beating the man. You've had a lucky escape.

I think his comment about establishment says it all OP. As a previous poster said if establishment means having somewhere to live, not having bailiffs and being able to buy your own shopping and electric— then yep we too are establishment — and yet we are not remotely Daily Mail type Tory’s and have a business (that makes money) — I think this guy has just got out of the habit of 9 to 5 and really really doesn’t want that again— tends to come with either being a child of a well off family ‘trustafarians’ or those that have never really acquired a work ethic and fit their life around benefits or an occasional job on the side.

Wow read this thread this morning and am so glad that to a certain extent he showed his true colours during your chat.
I'm sure you're hurting, but I hope that you can overcome that with time without being reeled back in by him
The reason this thread resonated with me is that he sounds just like my ex, but he was so charming and convincing with his words that it took him spending all my savings and almost my own financial downfall before I realised it was all pipe dreams but in the end he had no guilt about what he had done to me, spending my money and putting me into personal debt for his unrealistic dreams...

I'm devastated tbh. I've already had guilt trippy Msgs from his mum about how bereaved she is that I've done this and how sad he is.

I'm sad too. But he lied to me and could compromise my future security.

It is such a shame

She's in denial of course. I would, at least temporarily, mute or block anyone like her who is likely to guilt trip and make things harder for you. You really don't need people laying this burden on your shoulders. You are absolutely in the right here. Stay strong! 🌹

@Stealmyheart

I'm devastated tbh. I've already had guilt trippy Msgs from his mum about how bereaved she is that I've done this and how sad he is.

I'm sad too. But he lied to me and could compromise my future security.

It is such a shame

You could bet your last penny he hasn't told her the full truth

@Stealmyheart

I'm devastated tbh. I've already had guilt trippy Msgs from his mum about how bereaved she is that I've done this and how sad he is.

I'm sad too. But he lied to me and could compromise my future security.

It is such a shame

She thought he'd found someone who would put up with him lying about money and was relieved. Or she's believed his lies.

Either way, don't let her make you feel bad.

She's prioritising her son's feelings. Fine.

You're prioritising your DC's future. Vital.

I would probably send a "I understand he's sad and I'm glad you're there for him but my decision is final as lying is a dealbreaker for me. All the best." and then block her too.

Staying in touch any longer isn't productive for anyone involved.

You've made a smart decision here OP. Your future would have been full of uncertainty, insecurity and requests to lend, "why don't you believe in me / if you believed in me you'd lend me £5k" type chats. It would be exhausting. And unfair.

Focus on you and DC while you heal from it, no break up is nice but this one was necessary.

Thanks for all being kind with me. Sad today

Oh wow, im glad he revealed his true colours in your chat. You’ve had exactly the right reaction ie prioritising the stability of you and your dc. Congratulations

Console yourself in the knowledge that your radar is working pretty well.

His mum is not on your side. And may also be completely hoodwinked by the scheme, either she plenty of funds to bail her darling son out, and don’t much care about his coffee and chino lifestyle as long as he is happy. Or possibly he’s pulled the wool right over her eyes that next year he’ll be a millionaire. None of that has anything to do with you. Onwards!

[cake] for today while you lick your wounds. Poor you…

The fact that his mum is messaging you says a lot. She's probably concerned that now that you're gone her son will start leaching off of her instead.

Just take some time for yourself OP. As others have said, there are good, responsible men out there.

@Stealmyheart and It's heartbreaking when you glimpse a future with someone lovely then it doesn't turn out as you wished. But never let that stop you from wishing for the right things.

Before I read your update from yesterday I was going to say that I know a few people who have genuinely been succesful in this kind of business. Some of them have had multiple start-ups (and failures). Several have worked all hours in low-paid jobs and developed their businesses in the margins. But what categorises them all is their incessant drive to work ON and IN the business, to see opportuniteis round every corner and to work really hard at driving them towards possible success. None of them got there by soft-pedalling, they have all been racing to meet deadlines (before someone else took up a similar idea).

On the face of it you have different financial values and approaches, but I think more importantly, your work and life ethic is different. He in no terms works on this 'full time'. His time is his own and I suspect the two years have mainly been spent titting about drinking coffee with wankers in chinos. That is not what you would do in a similar situation.

See this for what it was - a lovely year in the company of a lovely man. That's enough.

Hugs OP you need them today, dh is moaning like hell now because I no longer will let general funds pay for his baccy he’ll fund it out of his pip what is took to cover that I’ll put in saving funds for when I leave. Get has much help as you can,

It's so hard isn't it?

I left my financially irresponsible and manipulative husband due to his lies and lack of care and control about bills etc amongst other things.

I found it helpful to remind myself I was upset at losing the relationship I had planned for and dreamed of, my fantasy of our relationship. In reality I had never had any of that and was mourning for the what if, fake future I hoped for bit would never have got in a million years. The real him, if I looked at he actions not the words, was no loss at all. Felt like it but it was all fake.

You will realise this more and more. Don't get sucked back in with his words - only his deeds tell you who he is.

He will ruin you..