Financially irresponsible man?

[Stealmyheart]

I've been going out with a really nice bloke, it's coming up to a year now of meeting but been exclusive for about 8 months.

He's always been honest about the fact that he has 'no money' as he is in the process of trying to launch a business (what seems like extremely slowly) but thing is, in the mean time it seems he is just not paying his bills and living on mounting credit.

There was an incident a few months ago when a bailiff knocked on the door and he was forced then to sort of come clean about his money issues but thing is he still hasn't earned any money at all and in my opinion hasn't really made steps to find an income.

He made a comment the other day that he'll just go stacking shelves if needed, good for you I thought, go on then. But nothing.

He has not brought in any money in two years now. He left his well paid full time job when covid hit in a 'now or never' sort of way as his job wouldn't furlough him so he just quit, he already had the business idea but it is a tech based start up so in need of £ investment before he can actually make it.

I asked him a few months ago how he was living and he said 'just savings'. I know this not to be the case though. He gets some UC but for a single person it is hardly any, it wouldn't cover his rent alone per month.

I think he might be taking money out of his business account per month to buy food etc, he has some individual investors who have put money in early doors before the business is launched. Is this even allowed? I'm not self employed myself but I know SO many people who are. But all of them started their businesses on their own from scratch and made sure they were off the ground before leaving paid employment.

I'm wondering if this guy is just burying his head in the sand or is this sort of thing normal pre launching a business? Is there usually a period of years before any income is generated?

I like him a lot but as we approach the year mark I wonder if there is any future for us together long term. I've made some bad financial decisions in the past regarding partners which is one of the reasons I still don't own a house so I'm really wary at the moment. For instance I couldn't imagine a world we could ever live together as I don't want to financially link to someone with bad credit not to mention not bringing money in.

For context. I'm a single mum. Work full time long hours, not a high earner but average full time wage (public sector). Zero assets and just about covering my bills.

He sounds like a dreamer

Yes there is absolutely no reason at all he cannot get a job. Other than the glaring gap on his CV. He puts the business down as an explanation of what he's been doing but as soon as an employer checks that out with the dates they would just go 'well that's not alot of result for 2 yrs is it' and then disregard it. Either this or they think he will be too busy with the app to hold down a job aswell (not true)

He did apply for one job recently that he really wanted and despite being qualified and experienced perfectly for it they didn't even invite him to interview. So I suspect the gap is a major issue.

Those on here who recruit would it be better to put the business on there or not. I can see pros and cons.

YES I KNOW THIS ISNT MY PROBLEM TO SORT OUT, it is his

YES I KNOW THIS ISNT MY PROBLEM TO SORT OUT, it is his

Then why are you asking how he should tailor his CV?

You seem to be continuing to waste so much headspace on someone who isn't just a poor prospect, but someone who is the same kind of poor prospect you've already got a history of choosing (you mentioned previous financially irresponsible partners impacting on you).

So the real question you should be asking is why are you continuing to try to find fixes (like the CV question) for a bloke who isn't a good prospect for you? Or your kids?

Run. No good will come of this.

He reminds me of Anna's boyfriend in 'Inventing Anna'. He was also one of these tech startup wankers - couldn't do any of it himself (in the two years your one has been pissing about, he could have taught himself enough tech to put a dent in this thing) but expert at getting investors. He pisses the money away and ultimately oh dear, another tech start up that fails, he folds the company and can begin again. Definitely a grifter.

On the plus side, he hasn't tried to tap up friends to build it for nothing, in return for equity in the company (as happened to a friend of mine) - so there was a product but no sales at all, just this dickhead swanning around giving out business cards. He'd made them believe some large US government organisations were interested in buying it, they flew out to New York at their own expenses - it was a total shambles.

You are already subsidising him by buying him stuff in your grocery shopping. He should be ashamed of taking money off a single mum.

You really do need to get rid before he spins you a line about how the business just needs a 5K loan to get it over the top and how you'll be killing his dream if you don't do this for him.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

YES I KNOW THIS ISNT MY PROBLEM TO SORT OUT, it is his

Then why are you asking how he should tailor his CV?

You seem to be continuing to waste so much headspace on someone who isn't just a poor prospect, but someone who is the same kind of poor prospect you've already got a history of choosing (you mentioned previous financially irresponsible partners impacting on you).

So the real question you should be asking is why are you continuing to try to find fixes (like the CV question) for a bloke who isn't a good prospect for you? Or your kids?

Sorry I realise reading back this sounds like I'm having a go at you, when I'm genuinely trying to get you to snap out of wasting headspace on this guy because you sound lovely and kind but vulnerable to giving too much of your time and effort to a lazy person who is happy to coast while you graft.

@Stealmyheart

If shit hits the fan and bf goes bankrupt. Can limited business co director friend be harmed by this do you know? He owns a house with his family so I would hate for him to be impacted

This is not your concern. Your concern is how you will be impacted if you “throw in your lot” with someone who is financially irresponsible.

The longer you stay with him the more attached you will become. Worrying about him and trying to problem solve for him and others is a form of co-dependency. You’ve been in a financially abusive relationship before. Do near in mind our subconscious habit of seeking what is familiar (even if it feels at first to be a very different scenario - eg here a driven, professional guy previously successful, talks a good game etc. )

*bear not near

Worrying about him and trying to problem solve for him and others is a form of co-dependency

Yep.

Yes I do have co dependence issues childhood trauma etc.

I want him to be ok and not get evicted or anything. I do care about him

@Stealmyheart

Yes I do have co dependence issues childhood trauma etc.

I want him to be ok and not get evicted or anything. I do care about him

I get that. I do too for similar reasons. But you need to understand that all of that is within his own power & not yours.

I’m not saying by the way he isn’t a nice guy or he’s an arsehole- he may be a very nice guy indeed- just not quite on the same page in terms of security and reliability as you. Either he needs to adjust his expectations of what you are expecting in terms of that if you matter so much to him ‘or ‘ you need to adjust your future planning in your head of what’s important to you and forget entwining households or money at the moment and treat him as a nice but separate boyfriend only- and see how it goes

Just reading your post made me feel stressed, so can only imagine how you're feeling. This isn't adding up - either he's a dreamer who will never run a successful business or he's dodging the responsibility of actually working a 'real' job. Either way this isn't someone who's a good catch and he's clearly lying about something. I'd end it now and cut my losses.

@Stealmyheart

Oh dear. That simple?

Yes OP for all the reasons in your original post, (the word bailiffs made me shudder) but also:

For context. I'm a single mum. Work full time long hours, not a high earner but average full time wage (public sector). Zero assets and just about covering my bills.

This man doesn't appear to have had any disciplined pre-planning before leaving his job and taking startup funds from people and seems to have no drive. How is he ever going to get a business together, let alone the grit to make it thrive? 🌹

@Luredbyapomegranate

Leave now.

My Dad (lovely and talented man in many ways) ‘ran’ his own business, but was a dreamer who couldn’t have run a sweet shop, it was bailiffs at the door and misery all round. It’s a horrible way to live.

Yep mine too. Some of the stories my mother told me about bailiffs at the front door demanding payment, or her realising that he'd tried to remortgage their home without her knowledge still makes me feel sick for her. 🌹

Yes I do have co dependence issues childhood trauma etc.

Ah. In that case you need to run away, not walk away.

You're a prime candidate to be taken advantage of by someone who is workshy. Whether they are nasty or just lazy, the outcome is the same - you give, they take.

I've been there and therapy to help me get to a place where codependency isn't a risk was possibly the best money I ever spent!

Painful getting there but worth it to be able to have an equal, stable, calm relationship.

And also remember that you're modelling relationships to your child. Don't teach them that men should always be allowed to do what makes them happy even if it means their partner has to be less happy, work harder, put their own money at risk to subsidise them etc etc.

Walking away from men like this (who may be 'just' entitled rather than horrible) is vital to your own emotional health and that of your DC too.

I have set up and sold on two reasonably successful tech start-ups (nowhere near Uber or similar, but they tick along and make their initial investors money).

The first thing I learned was that no serious investor will touch you with a barge pole unless you have a solid business plan, RoI overview and reporting structure.

In my case, the initial investments weren't enormous in the grand scheme of things (£5k and £15k respectively, with a 36-month forecast), but investors were updated monthly and I was expected to hold board meetings at least three times a year.

The first I sold on for a small profit on my part, with the initial investor retaining a 40% stake, the other for a much larger profit (the business was much more successful) and the initial investor was happy with 20%.

I should add I am VERY much a novice and just happened to get quite lucky, BUT my governance and reporting was absolutely top-notch, mostly because I didn't want to let down my investors or risk my own financial or professional reputation.

This man is not a businessman or an entrepreneur: he's a dreamer and he's putting himself, his investors (if he even actually has any) and possibly also you at risk

@Stealmyheart

Yes I do have co dependence issues childhood trauma etc.

I want him to be ok and not get evicted or anything. I do care about him

Ah, just read this.

Fucking RUN, now. He saw you coming. Meet a nice man with a nice, normal job and an income.

Dreamers are nice, but they'll never be reliable. You don't need that.

My sister was seeing a guy in a very similar situation

On the outside seemed to have a successful business, his own van, social media pages with customer reviews etc but he barely earnt enough to cover his rent and bills and she was there one day while he was out as she'd agreed to help him decorate (yes I know!) and a bailiff appeared then it materialised he owed loads of money to various people.

He blamed his ex wife for screwing him over which I know she did to a certain extent and he had to start again but the bailiffs weren't directly down to her it was him not managing his money which was a shame as he had a good trade and was very good at what he did but had no common sense with money or financial planning.

My sister (who couldn't afford too also being a single parent) bailed him out no end of times and bought shopping etc... and when she dared to suggest getting a part-time salaried job to supplement his income he went mad at her saying she was destroying his dreams.

It was at that point she ended it she was gutted but they've remained on good terms. He's not with anyone else and this was 3 years ago and periodically he puts some cash thru her door with a note so he is trying to repay her.

He is a lovely man - but for a relationship it wasn't going to work unfortunately. His own sister said while people bailed him out he'd never learn and her and his Dad won't do that anymore

You need to cut him free x

For context. I'm a single mum. Work full time long hours, not a high earner but average full time wage (public sector). Zero assets and just about covering my bills.

You deserve a prince, who is seeing your true value. I'm still not convinced he does ... Anything less than someone who understands you and goes all out is a sell-out. Ironic, unfair, but true. If you've had lots of crap in your life, you deserve even more ... On the plus side, you will probably be less 'surface', which is a gift, to yourself (and others if they are receptive)

Ironic also that you're the "helpmate" type. Helping people who don't need your help. You are the person who might need help. Like I said, ironic.

I couldn't have any respect for him.
What does he do all day?

Why doesn't he get a part-time job to keep the wolf from the door until his business gets going?
Is he entitled and thinks that other jobs (say driving) are beneath him?

I do not think he thinks that job roles are beneath him.

I do think that his upbringing has given him an over inflated sense of importance where he truly believed that he could just get away with it because "one day the business will make money, they will just have to wait, they will get their money".

This combined with a poor knowledge of how these things work as he had a privileged upbringing that the word bailiff would never had entered has I think caused him to fully ignore his responsibilities as he didn't realise the serious impact it would have.

Which is very bad, for someone who wants to be a businessman

OP, go back and read the first 4/5 responses. Nothing you have said since has swayed anybody's sentiments. Get yourself out of this.

You can sit him down and tell him, compassionately and kindly if you wish, that he's a lovely person but you cannot and will not throw your lot in with someone whose level of financial responsibility is so poor. Bailiffs, debt, a lack of honesty about how he's paying for things, and a lack of realism around ploughing all his time into a non-existent business and none into paid work mean that the two of you are simply incompatible, and you're backing out now before you get any deeper.

Whether he's a dreamer or a scammer doesn't really matter. He's not a responsible adult, and that's the only sort of partner you should be considering.

You’re still concerning yourself with his values, justifications, possible interpretations, upbringing etc

☕️ 👃 ➡️

Why are you worried about a grown man, with a privileged and supportive upbringing, with financial backers, who spends many days, by your own surmising, drinking coffee in his chinos with his mates? Just not getting this.