Financially irresponsible man?

[Stealmyheart]

I've been going out with a really nice bloke, it's coming up to a year now of meeting but been exclusive for about 8 months.

He's always been honest about the fact that he has 'no money' as he is in the process of trying to launch a business (what seems like extremely slowly) but thing is, in the mean time it seems he is just not paying his bills and living on mounting credit.

There was an incident a few months ago when a bailiff knocked on the door and he was forced then to sort of come clean about his money issues but thing is he still hasn't earned any money at all and in my opinion hasn't really made steps to find an income.

He made a comment the other day that he'll just go stacking shelves if needed, good for you I thought, go on then. But nothing.

He has not brought in any money in two years now. He left his well paid full time job when covid hit in a 'now or never' sort of way as his job wouldn't furlough him so he just quit, he already had the business idea but it is a tech based start up so in need of £ investment before he can actually make it.

I asked him a few months ago how he was living and he said 'just savings'. I know this not to be the case though. He gets some UC but for a single person it is hardly any, it wouldn't cover his rent alone per month.

I think he might be taking money out of his business account per month to buy food etc, he has some individual investors who have put money in early doors before the business is launched. Is this even allowed? I'm not self employed myself but I know SO many people who are. But all of them started their businesses on their own from scratch and made sure they were off the ground before leaving paid employment.

I'm wondering if this guy is just burying his head in the sand or is this sort of thing normal pre launching a business? Is there usually a period of years before any income is generated?

I like him a lot but as we approach the year mark I wonder if there is any future for us together long term. I've made some bad financial decisions in the past regarding partners which is one of the reasons I still don't own a house so I'm really wary at the moment. For instance I couldn't imagine a world we could ever live together as I don't want to financially link to someone with bad credit not to mention not bringing money in.

For context. I'm a single mum. Work full time long hours, not a high earner but average full time wage (public sector). Zero assets and just about covering my bills.

Fireflygal has summed it up really and that fits the profile of his current investors exactly.

Also the numbers you quote are what he's told me it will cost, exactly really.

He is not a developer and has none of the tech knowledge at all, only the idea of how it all works. It is all outsourced and the initial building of the prototype has been done (in a different country) but to get it to market he needs a big pot of cash that he doesn't have.

He in no terms works on this 'full time'. His time is his own and I suspect the two years have mainly been spent titting about drinking coffee with wankers in chinos.

As someone who actually works and grafts full time, I find this difficult to relate to and a bit baffling.

It is only recently that I've questioned the personal finance side of things as I said, he'd just told me he was 'living off savings'.

As he comes from a posh family this was plausible as assumed could have had an inheritance or maybe he had a house from his previous marriage that he was renting out and drawing an income from or something? But nope.

UC, credit cards and other men's money

He’s a posh wanker, twatting about drinking coffee in his chinos. Believing his own bullshit. Protected by posh friends/deluded sense of entitlement. He does not even have the same values as you.

Does he pay anything towards his child??? I wonder whether the mother of his child thinks he’s a good dad. I wonder what she would say.

How can you respect this, OP?

What example do you want to set to your child?

Do you want to live in a house with your dc where bailiffs come knocking?

From where I’m sitting, you’re on the brink of repeating your past relationship trends.

Make sure your contraception is bomb-proof.
Think about whether a casual dating relationship is ok for you (doesn’t sound like it, since you’re on here enquiring about the technicalities of how this loser can be protected from himself).

OP, I think you know what to do.

For now, STOP purchasing ANY items for him (thin end of a massive wedge).

As of now. Start liking him less. Start seeing him less. Fade him the fuck out.

Good lord OP, step away from this.

If he is spending investors money on his lifestyle, he is surely committing a crime?

Don't be dragged down by a lazy dreamer.

Step away.

That's what I'm wondering, is it some sort of fraud or is that a thing that people do?

So he's got several retired people to buy shares in his company. I don't know the exact amounts but let's assume between them they've put in 30k.

I'm 90% that he is transferring money from his business acc into his (overdrawn) personal account a few times a month in order to literally eat/pay phone bill etc.

Is this a thing that people are ok with?!

That’s not fraud. He’s allowed to take a salary from a start up. He probably takes a minimal amount. It’s perfectly legal.

Ok good. It just seems weird before it actually...exists. so people have put a lot of trust in him if they are essentially paying him to live

Have you watched The Tinder Swindler, OP?

Praps some Sunday viewing.

I haven't yet no. I will

Goodness, if he isn't doing the build, and the project isn't at the marketing stage, then why exactly hasn't he got a job to fund his life? If all the business needs at the moment from him, is small amounts if managing contractors, that could be done as a side hustle. He's a dreamer. I know several people who have set up serious tech based companies, successful ones this way. What exactly is he doing all day?

He's 'researching' and networking all day

What do you mean by "degree educated" Vs "highly educated". I don't think that makes any difference if you ask me. Also a marketplace app (which sounds like he's going for) can be set up in next to no time. He just needs to find someone who does white label apps. In all honesty, I think he's having some sort of early midlife crisis. My DH and I are financially incompatible in many ways, however we're trying to make it work... However that means I'm for the most part financially responsible for the whole of our household. If you think he's worth it then go for it, but it's not easy to navigate and wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

@Stealmyheart

You're all right.

Before the UC text it was just the 'just savings' and shrug answer and tbf that hasn't changed. He doesn't know that I know he's on UC.

Friend of his is not self employed he has a very well paid employment so I hope he will be ok and this won't negatively impact him.

I'll try not to make this my administration task from now on.

Omg. You're the 'friend' aren't you?!

What does he bring you, OP?

Does he love you? Or at least seem to love you? Like you? Care about you? Respect you? Admire you?
Is it the sex?
Can you be yourself with him?
Or is he completely wrapped up in himself (happens with some men)?

It’s just I have a feeling if those kinds of things were aligned, there would be less floundering in this issue ….

He is a looser don’t fall in love with him he will bring you down, tell him to go and get a proper job, even stacking shelves pays some of the bills.

Every start up starts somewhere but from my experience (and we have a successful business) - you develop it whilst doing something else, if there is ‘nothing’ to administer and he’s not a developer , then he has an awful lot of time he could be earning elsewhere— and he isn’t. I’ve known a few of this type OP from having desks in co working centres— usually from very comfortable backgrounds , but not that keen on 9 to 5 or hardwork— they are ‘ideas’ people and like the idea of something really taking off and them earning good money for not much work—- same happens with those going into crypto etc. They faff around using other people’s cash till it runs out and then go off the idea. It's always seemed a blokey thing to me—- I know very few women with this kind of attitude. Doesn’t make him a horrible person, doesn’t not make him a nice date—- but if you are looking for stability and reliability then he may well be an ok love out boyfriend , but not more than that

I'm not the co director friend. I'm his gf.

He loves me, adores and worships me. Is caring, kind, gentle and we laugh all day. He's not a wanker in that sense, believe me I've had my share of those.

I'm trying to figure out if he's just been stupid and silly and maybe accidentally got himself down a rabbit hole of debt that he is too embarrassed to admit.

Or.

Is he just so unbelievably entitled that he thinks that he can just not pay for things and deal with it 'in the future'.

He could be so naive that he genuinely believes he can get away with the debt stuff.

As previously pointed out, if he goes bankrupt he will not be allowed to do the business anyway.

I think you are the ‘friend’ too— I think that’s why you are asking these questions about bankruptcy and IVC s etc— be honest— I know the score here , I know how it works so can advise you.. if you are— you go online and resign immediately— like now!!!

I'm honestly not the co director. He's my boyfriend. Who I may rename Peter Pan

I hope you aren’t the co director OP. By the way , if it’s a ltd company— it won’t make him go personally that’s the point of limited companies. However if he owes a lot on a personal level rather than businesslevel— thats a different story

That's the thing. Business has no debt yet but all the debt is personal to him. Credit cards, overdraft, some sort of loan, possible outstanding car finance

@Stealmyheart

Thank you all for talking it through with me. It's a shame but he isn't a good prospect is he.

No. Because the very best case scenario means that at some point you will pay for a date, a day out, a meal for the two of you and your brain will shout "That's money you could have spent on your kids"

Then you will resent him, and yourself, for every penny he ate, drank, enjoyed that could have been spend feeding, playing with, holidaying with your kids.

So see it right now and save yourself and your bank account the heartache.

You’ve got a great SOH, OP! I’m glad he thinks so highly of you. As he should. Just make sure you’re not being overly grateful, submissive or over-idealising. It happens to a lot of us women with difficult pasts … And also I think a man who “worships” you should be doing more for you generally. But it’s hard to tell from an online conversation.

If he does genuinely love you, maybe enjoy your time with Peter Pan?

But I’m not sure he’s a keeper …

Maybe you should even talk to him about some of your feelings about this, over dinner in a restaurant. Help clarify your thoughts. Obviously not everything, better to keep some cards close to your chest. It would be interesting at the very least. Just make sure you don’t fall for a sob story (esp when you’re life’s been probably much harder, which does he even take on board?)

He could work FT or PT and work on his own Business in his spare time

There is no reason why he cannot do this, except that he chooses not to

He could borrow via peer to peer lending Business loan or sell part of the Business whilst he is setting it up

Stop buying him food etc