Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Thinks I’m Not as FUN as His Parents

232 replies

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 07/03/2022 11:14

Off the bat, I’m just going to say; I’m not going to indulge any responses that insult my husband or tell me to divorce him. That being said…

We’ve been married at little over a year. Maybe it’s me- it probably is, but it seems there is a lot of overlap with us enjoying eachother as a couple and his family. They live next door. We have fought 3 days in a row now about visiting because they always know when he’s off and call and text and find a reason to get him over (chore, errand, random gift). I always initially get upset because they do this without a care that we might want to time together, arguing him into going over there for ‘just a minute’, try to keep him longer (and he wants to stay), and often exclude me.. however, the fight devolves into (probably) the truer reason this bothers me so much; I want to be seen as his wife, by his side, before family. Not simply the babymaking machine he landed that stays at home. I say this because it’s a pattern in his family to sort of leave the wives at home while you visit everyone… I suppose because they’re just in-laws. Besides that, I want to feel like my husband wants time with me. Often, our plans are canceled, ‘forgotten’, or were ‘never made’ once they call. Often, if we’re in the yard just spending time together, if he’s not already over there talking them, he’s looking hopefully in their direction.

I told him I just can’t keep trying to win him. I told him I don’t care anymore. Go over, stay for hours, leave me out of it. I have bent over backwards and tore myself apart trying to be fun, sweet, sexy, exciting… and I still am not enough to keep his attention. It pains me so much.. and I do care. A lot. I can’t keep fighting this fight with his real desires, and I’m hoping my change will maybe make him miss me or realize he took all I did for granted. Maybe he’ll stop constantly hoping for their call and wanting to visit, maybe he’ll want me…

However, I’m experiencing a bit of self doubt. I might be executing this wrong. He seems to just be accepting I am pulling away and pulling away also. I’m so tired of this. What does one really do in this situation? What would you do to get the marriage revolving back around you guys and on track? I told him that he’s free to do whatever he wants with them and not to involve me, and that time will tell me all I need to know about this. If he’s over everyday.. if he asks me to come.. if he even initiates time together anymore. I don’t think he understood that I meant it though. I’m sorry I’m ranting, I’m just so crushed that I finally gave up on this after working on it for a year. I really don’t want to end up like his parents (glorified roommates, dad always at his parents, mom always at home upset she’s excluded again… no dates ever). Can you give me your advice?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 07/03/2022 11:16

Why does he want to go over there?

What is happening when he does?

Original poster
MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 07/03/2022 11:20

@LaurieFairyCake

Why does he want to go over there?

What is happening when he does?

Honestly. I have no idea. They just sit around talking.
OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 07/03/2022 11:20

My advice would be to allow your husband to visit his parents. It is safe to say that you married this man in the knowledge that he was close to his family.

You don’t want to leave, he enjoys spending time there so you should accept the situation.

Are you invited too? Are you close to your own family?

I mean I understand why you are frustrated but it seems like you walked into a situation with your eyes wide open. People rarely change. If they’re a close family you should get in on it or spend your life hating them, in turn causing rows and plenty misery.

TulipsGarden · 07/03/2022 11:41

How long were you together before you got married, and why do you live next door to your in-laws?

Velvetbee · 07/03/2022 11:43

I think you need to make your life more interesting. Go out by yourself or with friends, cafes, galleries, the cinema? He might then realise what he’s in danger of losing.

Hoppinggreen · 07/03/2022 11:43

Well if we aren’t allowed to criticise your Husband then I suggest you just suck it up

Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns · 07/03/2022 11:46

This is so weird op. Poor you
But we need to know -did they always live next door? Did he buy the house next to them?

Are they not bothered to spend time with you either?

I don’t really know how to advise you other then go nuclear: parents stop by when you say so.

But it really does sound like your onto a loser with this one, sorry.
No shame in having your eyes opened, especially before you have kids.

LouOver · 07/03/2022 11:48

Move. If you don't think he'll change but you want to stay with him then at least out physical distance in place.

Shoxfordian · 07/03/2022 11:51

Was he like this before you got married? I don’t know why you expected any different

Counsellingtime · 07/03/2022 11:54

This is part of the reason I ended my marriage. I didn't married to play 2nd fiddle to my annoying and selfish as shite inlaws

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 07/03/2022 11:55

He won’t change and you can’t make him. But you’re not ready to hear that. So you are going to need to continue playing a ‘pick me’ dance (family version) until you either give up and accept a miserable future, or become ready to hear that there are men out there who won’t treat you like this.

Googlecanthelpme · 07/03/2022 11:56

Well honestly OP if you don’t want to leave then your options are limited.

You cannot MAKE someone change their behaviour or habits, only they can choose to do that. Only your husband can make the decision to spend more time with you and less with his family (or include you in that more).

If you don’t want to leave and your husband sees no issue with preferring to spend time with them over you then you’ll have to learn to love your time alone. Fill it with hobbies and friends that make you feel happy and that you enjoy. So that there is no resentment that he’d rather be chatting to his parents, because you’re happily doing your favourite hobby or past time etc.

I personally wouldn’t do this - I’d end a relationship where the other person consistently put other people above me and basically ignored my pleas to spend more time together. I would not stay in that relationship but if you’re going to then you will need to change your reaction to his behaviour because if after a year he has still not compromised, well it’s unlikely he will.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink - you can be as sweet and sexy and obliging as you like but if your husband chooses not to prioritise you, then you can’t force him

MaChienEstUnDick · 07/03/2022 11:57

This is weird AF and it's hard to answer without criticising your husband or telling you to leave because honestly I want to do both. However...

Old gimmer here and I've realised this over my long life: you can't change anyone.

If he wants to be with his parents rather than with you, you can't change that.

So you either accept it, adapt yourself (by developing a full, rich life around the sides of his behaviour), or you reject it utterly and leave the relationship.

That's your three options. Nothing else will work for more than a couple of weeks at a time.

okhue · 07/03/2022 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

shiningstar2 · 07/03/2022 12:00

I can imagine how difficult it is to establish a separate life if you live next door to either set of parents. I think the only way forward is to move house and establish new boundaries. For example he pips in on his way home from work once a week you invite them over for coffee every couple of weekends ext. Something that is enough to keep your DH happy but isn't constantly in your face on a daily basis

ThoseTallTrees · 07/03/2022 12:02

Well you sort of live in a commune I guess, and he’s happier to socialise. Are his family nice to you?

Do you have a job and a life at home? Hobbies etc?

RishiRich · 07/03/2022 12:03

Move far, far away. Or just accept this is how it is, he doesn't seem interested in compromising what he wants to do in the interests of your relationship.

TacoCats · 07/03/2022 12:04

Move, you live next door to them there's your problem you get no space.

PliqueAjour · 07/03/2022 12:06

Are there cultural expectations at play here? I ask as you mention his parents marriage is the same. There's a saying that you can't change other people, you can only change how you respond to them. I would focus on building friendships and hobbies of your own, but ultimately it doesn't sound like you're compatible.

girlmom21 · 07/03/2022 12:12

If you don't want to leave him and every option you try doesn't work you either need to suck it up or move house.

What was your relationship like before you got married?

You say about being a baby making machine. Do you have kids?

CourtRand · 07/03/2022 12:15

Well firstly I'd never agree to live next door to family what a nightmare. Secondly, y not just go with him when they invite him?

Peachtoiletpaper · 07/03/2022 12:19

I understand you don't want to just leave but I doubt this will change, it's all he knows judging by his parent's relationship. Have you pointed this out?

If he's no interest in compromise then your choices are accept it and build your own life separate to the marriage, make the best of the situation but to be honest, eventually grow into a version of his parents, even if you have a fuller life than his mother. Alternatively, don't accept it and leave.

Why do you live next door? That's very close to home. Could he be persuaded to move, day if you found a good job opportunity some distance away?

Peachtoiletpaper · 07/03/2022 12:20

The one thing I would avoid is getting into spending all your time with his family and seeing that as an improvement.

IdentifyingAsAPrincess · 07/03/2022 12:21

Is your husbands name Raymond?

2Gen · 07/03/2022 12:22

@MaChienEstUnDick

This is weird AF and it's hard to answer without criticising your husband or telling you to leave because honestly I want to do both. However...

Old gimmer here and I've realised this over my long life: you can't change anyone.

If he wants to be with his parents rather than with you, you can't change that.

So you either accept it, adapt yourself (by developing a full, rich life around the sides of his behaviour), or you reject it utterly and leave the relationship.

That's your three options. Nothing else will work for more than a couple of weeks at a time.

You could do this, OP! But in your shoes, I would leave him BEFORE I'd conceived any children with him. I doubt he's ever going to put you first, as man should do his wife. He's still a big baby really! You've told him how you feel over and over again and he just won't change, which means he doesn't care much that he's hurting you. Once you have children, you'd be trapped and it would only get worse. Have you anywhere to go? If so, I'd pack up your bags and go there. Once there, contact a solicitor to find out about your legal rights. As you're married, you'll have certain entitlements. Once the house would be sold, he could move back in with mammy and daddy (the big child!) and you could have a fresh start. Get away from this painful situation whilst you only have yourself to think about because it's so much harder once you've children! Sorry you're being treated like this, it's shite!
Swipe left for the next trending thread