Husband Thinks I’m Not as FUN as His Parents

[MrsMissusAnonAnonymous]

Off the bat, I’m just going to say; I’m not going to indulge any responses that insult my husband or tell me to divorce him. That being said…

We’ve been married at little over a year. Maybe it’s me- it probably is, but it seems there is a lot of overlap with us enjoying eachother as a couple and his family. They live next door. We have fought 3 days in a row now about visiting because they always know when he’s off and call and text and find a reason to get him over (chore, errand, random gift). I always initially get upset because they do this without a care that we might want to time together, arguing him into going over there for ‘just a minute’, try to keep him longer (and he wants to stay), and often exclude me.. however, the fight devolves into (probably) the truer reason this bothers me so much; I want to be seen as his wife, by his side, before family. Not simply the babymaking machine he landed that stays at home. I say this because it’s a pattern in his family to sort of leave the wives at home while you visit everyone… I suppose because they’re just in-laws. Besides that, I want to feel like my husband wants time with me. Often, our plans are canceled, ‘forgotten’, or were ‘never made’ once they call. Often, if we’re in the yard just spending time together, if he’s not already over there talking them, he’s looking hopefully in their direction.

I told him I just can’t keep trying to win him. I told him I don’t care anymore. Go over, stay for hours, leave me out of it. I have bent over backwards and tore myself apart trying to be fun, sweet, sexy, exciting… and I still am not enough to keep his attention. It pains me so much.. and I do care. A lot. I can’t keep fighting this fight with his real desires, and I’m hoping my change will maybe make him miss me or realize he took all I did for granted. Maybe he’ll stop constantly hoping for their call and wanting to visit, maybe he’ll want me…

However, I’m experiencing a bit of self doubt. I might be executing this wrong. He seems to just be accepting I am pulling away and pulling away also. I’m so tired of this. What does one really do in this situation? What would you do to get the marriage revolving back around you guys and on track? I told him that he’s free to do whatever he wants with them and not to involve me, and that time will tell me all I need to know about this. If he’s over everyday.. if he asks me to come.. if he even initiates time together anymore. I don’t think he understood that I meant it though. I’m sorry I’m ranting, I’m just so crushed that I finally gave up on this after working on it for a year. I really don’t want to end up like his parents (glorified roommates, dad always at his parents, mom always at home upset she’s excluded again… no dates ever). Can you give me your advice?

A spouse who always wants to be somewhere else is a huge problem. It’s not always in-laws. It can be friends, a hobby, staying late at work even when not necessary, etc. it’s the mentality that being home with the spouse is boring and that home responsibilities are not a priority. It can be either spouse, but it is almost always men. Occasionally they grow up. I get the impression that my XH did eventually but he had to marry someone 10 years his junior to find a person who was at the same point in domestic life that he was.

You can choose to live like this, but if you have a child with this man, it will be awful. He will leave you alone with the baby to do everything. He won’t do his share of parenting.

@MrsMissusAnonAnonymous

Are you the poster who had a thread about his parents having keys and letting themselves in because your house used to be theirs before they gave it to you?

Omg whose idea was it to live next door to each other? My idea of hell.

Do your own thing and hope he feels he is missing out on a nice life with you, of course he can have both but we all have to juggle our time and priorities.

You have to be less available. Don't be there when he bothers to turn to you. Be out. Be at a friend's. Be at work. Be at your family's.

DO NOT sit around waiting for him to be with you.

Get busy elsewhere.

If he starts to miss you, that's when you work on restoring balance, and prioritising each other. If he doesn't, then you need to split.

You've posted about this before. You're not going to get any different answers to the ones you had before.

If there are cultural reasons for living beside them, and for the wives to be left at home, then it's going to be more difficult to make any changes to the dynamic. As PPs have said, you can't change your DH. You can only change how you react and what you do.

It jumped out at me that you wanted the marriage to revolve around you (and your DH presumably?!) But marriages are about the wider family too especially if you live next door to your ILs.

Make plans with your DH, with your friends, with your family. If you think you're not having fun or being fun, then arrange days and nights out. Stop relying on and waiting on your DH.

If you have plans together and he goes to your ILs, then knock on their door and say 'we have plans - are you ready?' If he refuses, then go ahead on your own.

You have to set your own boundaries.

Ok… don’t LTB, but don’t have children with him either because it is just a matter of time before you leave, 2-3 years if you stay where you are.

The other strategy you may try is to join and be one of the family. If they are so close you might not have much a chance to influence who he pays attention to, even if you say you say you are leaving.

OK, I think there may be a 'pull factor' from their side too, where they are maybe guilt-tripping him a little, either subtly or not so subtly.
There will be a portion of him being afraid to put a foot wrong in terms of their expectations/demands. It doesn't feel like fear all the time, but when he (or you, on his watch) has 'transgressed' and he gets shit for it, then it does. Incidentally, how does he feel about your parents and how regularly you see them as a couple?

Does he have any siblings, and if so, where are they and what is the relationship like with his parents? If it's a situation where they are used to having as much time from him as they like, as well as plenty of knowledge of your home and his work, which it sounds like, they will be at a stage of not being keen to 'share' him and not really wanting to build a relationship with you beyond what they think is true, so not the real give and take way. Ditto any grandchildren (especially in a format of grandparent rivalry - which is where I noticed it glaringly).

There isn't a quick fix but honest, assertive but patient communication with him needs to be stepped up a lot, and he should be courteous enough to listen to you and not minimize. Point it out if he does. If he's not committed to that, then that does mean quite bad news.

@Hoppinggreen

Well if we aren’t allowed to criticise your Husband then I suggest you just suck it up

This. Come on, OP! He clearly just sees you as something that can be dumped at home like a sack of spuds while he's out next door being fussed by mummy.

It ain't sexy.

OP, I just read your other threads and, my goodness, you need to get away from this family. Are you in the States? I have a feeling that you might be from the language you use and the shops you refer to. Anyway, I spent some of my childhood in the US and still have a lot of family and friends there and actually this kind of set up isn't hugely uncommon in rural, less economically developed communities (kids in trailer on parents' land).
But it is very, very often unhealthy.

OP, you don't want us to be rude about your husband, and that's fair enough, but either he is with you in moving away from his parents and putting you first as his family or he is not.

My MIL and I don't always see eye to eye but one thing that I've always appreciated is that she completely agrees and understands that the DC and I are DH's family first and foremost now. She and FIL are not.

[quote FavouritePi]@MrsMissusAnonAnonymous

Are you the poster who had a thread about his parents having keys and letting themselves in because your house used to be theirs before they gave it to you?[/quote]
Whattttttttt??
That sounds like Danté's Seventh Circle of Hell.

Hi, I appreciate everyone’s responses and advices and honestly, most personally, their sympathies. I understand the frustration at my requests… I just want to make it clear my mindset is to ‘repair’ not ‘run’. That being said, I will respond later to the questions because I really want out of this rut, but I am in my college class right now. And I did let DH know again today that I am completely not ok with this dynamic and if he’s choosing to see them daily, he is choosing to see me less and I’m not going to work to makeup for it any longer or play ‘pick me’ anymore. I’ll be responding soon, thanks a lot you all!

P.S. yes, I am the caravan girl :/

If you don't want to LTB, then I'd suggest you find yourself a lover to fill the emotional void in your life.

Honestly. If he can't be there for you, you don't have to be there for him.

P.S. yes, I am the caravan girl :/

You made these choices. You enmeshed your life with people who are massively invested in things carrying on like this. The good news is you can make different choices.

You will end up divorcing. Or you will end up as his mother. You will also have to learn that the hard way, I'm afraid. Do what you can to educate yourself, save money, and have interests and people outside this awful dynamic.

Please excuse me as I have not read many PPs but have you confronted you ILs with strong long sentences of complain about how they are intruding on and ruining your marriage and do they think you are just a ''baby machine'' and anything else you could rant about? Sock it to them. What have you got to lose?

I went and read some of the other threads and I have so many questions. Op does not have to answer them, but I just can’t resist.

Op, it is incredibly unusual for college students in the US to be married. What made you decide to get married so young?

An unmovable mobile home on rented property has essentially zero value. How did they decide on a figure for “half” its value?

Does your college offer married student housing? It would let you live together and let you have something more akin to a traditional college experience which you are missing out on living like this.

Oh OP, the wasted lives of women who think it is their burden to 'repair' relationships, whilst the men have no interest in this, just in the status quo.. What pointless pain, what wasted years of women, even whole lives.

Stop thinking about repairing your relationship, Start thinking of repairing your life.
Stop thinking of it as running from your H and start thinking of it as running to a life lived on your terms.

Your H will never centre you. But you can.

Good luck OP.

Make some friends at college and go out and do things with them.

I'm actually of two minds here. On the one hand, you're right, he's too enmeshed with his family. But on the other, if this is how his family is, it's wrong of you to expect him to change. You either have to get ok with it or leave, I think.

Where are you in the US?

All the best op

Well, the only option as I see it is moving away from his family or moving your family in/next door or see more of them on the occasions when he might have made plans. He probably has reverted to becoming a child and it is harder to say no to his parents than you. I would agree dates/times for quality family time and tell his family too to give you space.

If you're college age then you sound pretty young. I also got married at that age (super religious) to someone else within my faith. My unwanted advice is to run. Don't have a baby with this man. Don't waste your life trying to be the wife that he will want to spend time with. It's him, not you.

I eventually took my own advice (2 babies later). My life now is happy, with two great kids, a husband who loves me and a fulfilling career. By contrast, my exH has now been divorced twice, doesn't have any contact with his youngest child, hardly sees our two children and seems to spend his time holes up in his hole of a house bewailing the unfairness of the world. I am so glad I didn't sink myself with him.

Get your own life. Arrange other things to don't which don't include him, on his days off particularly! Make sure you leave before they call - "oh you know you'll only go over to your parents' place, so you won't miss me! Must be off - there's X for dinner tonight, could you put it in the over at 6 on 180 so it's ready for 7 (or whatever time you normally eat)? Thanks! What would I do without you." Then eat out on your way home anyway so it doesn't matter that he doesn't have food ready.

I would start staudying, it's a great way to develop an interest and meet other people, as well as fill otherwise empty time and lonely hours, as well as providing a safe and warm place to be, the College cafe or library are usually very comforting places ime. But that's me, you'll find your own places.

He will take a little while to realise that you can't be taken for granted as he does bow and start pulling his finger out. Give it a month or two and then re-evaluate. At the very least you'll have discovered that you're worth a darn site more than youthink you are right now and you could also develop a life-long interest/hobby and friends. As well as saving your marriage.

At the very worst, he will just let you go your own way, but you would probably prefer that to the alternative should it come to that; you might find pride enough to do it yourself.

Anything is better than what you have right now.

I just want to make it clear my mindset is to ‘repair’ not ‘run’.

You can’t repair it by yourself, though. And you’ve made it clear to your husband many times. He either knows you won’t leave and therefore isn’t listening to you; or he’s made his choice and it’s not you.

Don’t get me wrong, that sucks. I’ve had my share of in-law problems too. But there’s only so much you can do before it’s your husbands choice.

Respecting your wishes not to have people suggest you end your relationship (although I fail to see what you get out of it) and given that you don't want to become glorified roommates, then you need to move (together).

Not to a different street. Not to a different town.

You need to move at least a couple of hours away from his parents/family.

That is the only way you're going to have a chance to live a life together without interference. And I'd throw in some couples counselling.