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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Thinks I’m Not as FUN as His Parents

232 replies

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 07/03/2022 11:14

Off the bat, I’m just going to say; I’m not going to indulge any responses that insult my husband or tell me to divorce him. That being said…

We’ve been married at little over a year. Maybe it’s me- it probably is, but it seems there is a lot of overlap with us enjoying eachother as a couple and his family. They live next door. We have fought 3 days in a row now about visiting because they always know when he’s off and call and text and find a reason to get him over (chore, errand, random gift). I always initially get upset because they do this without a care that we might want to time together, arguing him into going over there for ‘just a minute’, try to keep him longer (and he wants to stay), and often exclude me.. however, the fight devolves into (probably) the truer reason this bothers me so much; I want to be seen as his wife, by his side, before family. Not simply the babymaking machine he landed that stays at home. I say this because it’s a pattern in his family to sort of leave the wives at home while you visit everyone… I suppose because they’re just in-laws. Besides that, I want to feel like my husband wants time with me. Often, our plans are canceled, ‘forgotten’, or were ‘never made’ once they call. Often, if we’re in the yard just spending time together, if he’s not already over there talking them, he’s looking hopefully in their direction.

I told him I just can’t keep trying to win him. I told him I don’t care anymore. Go over, stay for hours, leave me out of it. I have bent over backwards and tore myself apart trying to be fun, sweet, sexy, exciting… and I still am not enough to keep his attention. It pains me so much.. and I do care. A lot. I can’t keep fighting this fight with his real desires, and I’m hoping my change will maybe make him miss me or realize he took all I did for granted. Maybe he’ll stop constantly hoping for their call and wanting to visit, maybe he’ll want me…

However, I’m experiencing a bit of self doubt. I might be executing this wrong. He seems to just be accepting I am pulling away and pulling away also. I’m so tired of this. What does one really do in this situation? What would you do to get the marriage revolving back around you guys and on track? I told him that he’s free to do whatever he wants with them and not to involve me, and that time will tell me all I need to know about this. If he’s over everyday.. if he asks me to come.. if he even initiates time together anymore. I don’t think he understood that I meant it though. I’m sorry I’m ranting, I’m just so crushed that I finally gave up on this after working on it for a year. I really don’t want to end up like his parents (glorified roommates, dad always at his parents, mom always at home upset she’s excluded again… no dates ever). Can you give me your advice?

OP posts:
Mummytobe93 · 07/03/2022 12:22

Was he always like this? Is it cultural? Have you got any kids?

2Gen · 07/03/2022 12:24

P.S. I've just realised I've critisised your husband and I'm sorry, I don't want to add to your distress but I stand by advising you to leave him before you conceive any children so you can have a fresh start!

Orchidsonthetable · 07/03/2022 12:25

I think this is because you moved next door to his parents. This was always going to cause intrusion issues, and when coupled with a very close family it was inevitable.

I also wouldn’t fight it. Becayse you will not win. The best you can do is try to carve out time for you and him, and let him get on with it the rest of the time. Stop competing. Find fun things for you to do without him.

Can you maybe explain why you agreed to live next door to his parents like this when you must have known how close the relationship was. Personally I’d rather gnaw my own foot off than live next door to my inlaws.

CousinKrispy · 07/03/2022 12:26

What would happen if you went along with him when he visited?

This must be tough, OP, I know it hurts to feel sidelined. At the same time, I'm not sure you can realistically change your husband's outlook. Presumably he likes being close to his parents and having easygoing daily contact with them.

Can the two of you go out together more?

DoItAfraid · 07/03/2022 12:27

Other posters have made good suggestions. All i can add is please do not get pregnant before this is resolved.

MadisonMontgomery · 07/03/2022 12:29

What does his mum say about it? You say he leaves you alone to spend time with them, but then say that his mum is left on her own whilst his dad visits his parents - so does he go with his dad, leaving you both sat on your own? Or could you talk to his mum and ask her advice on how to change it, as surely she would sympathise if she is in the same situation?

CatSpeakForDummies · 07/03/2022 12:30

I think you are fighting a losing battle if you turn this into a competition, the only things making you less fun is deliberately turning this into a You and Us situation. If you have chosen to live next door to your ILs, then you embrace that decision and join in. Go round with him - if you want to spend time together as well, then make plans and it gives you an excuse to leave (don't sit at home waiting and stewing). Pop round and get to know your MIL on your own. This will be lovely if you have children, assuming the family are nice enough to have moved in next door to.

It sounds like you had very different expectations when you decided to live next door. He was picturing a large boisterous extended family, you were imagining a distant relationship but with convenience of being nearby.

50DaysAF · 07/03/2022 12:30

If you don’t want to end the marriage I would suggest pushing hard for a relocation.
I can’t see how you can get him to stop. He already knows it upsets you and he does it anyway.

AlisonDonut · 07/03/2022 12:32

So we can't say anything really.

What is it you want from this thread then?

Recommendations on where to best buy a hair shirt? Which 'pick me' dance to perfect?

I mean, next door? The signs were there but you choose to proceed so...

princesssparkle9985 · 07/03/2022 12:33

This sounds really hard and it’s a similar experience that a friend of mine has had. I wanted to add that it really would be a disaster if you add children to these dynamics, when they happened my friend it amplified everything and she is now so angry and resentful because the in-laws will want the kids there all the time too and your feelings of abandonment and being left out will take on a whole other angle. Or you will be left at home constantly with the children and the fights about division of childcare will be endless.
I recommend some couples therapy, I think it will really help you both think through your expectations of marriage and family relationships versus the reality and how to set boundaries around you as a couple. Clearly he is replicating the dynamics of his own family and you both need to find a middle ground.

murasaki · 07/03/2022 12:33

Are you the poster who has a caravan on land by the parents? It seemed to ring a bell.

nearlyspringyay · 07/03/2022 12:34

Why did you move in next door, genuine question? My parents and his would drive me mad if we lived next door to each other. Are they drinking when he's round there? Party family?

Orchidsonthetable · 07/03/2022 12:41

This is quite different to your other threads op where your inlaws, who you clearly hate, were intrusive and you and your husband trying to find boundaries to distance from them, now it’s him doing the running.

As you really don’t like them this whole thing just doesn’t work for you at all.

SatinHeart · 07/03/2022 12:41

I've read your OP several times and I just keep coming back to "yhey live next door" Confused. It's difficult to know what advice to give without knowing how that came about?

I say this because it’s a pattern in his family to sort of leave the wives at home while you visit everyone

That rings alarm bells. Sounds like your DH thinks he is behaving perfectly normally in which case it's going to be difficult to convince him otherwise.

Landedonfeet · 07/03/2022 12:42

I’m not going to tell you to LTB or that’s he’s abusive

He just doesn’t sound like he enjoys your company. So the decision re LTB may not be yours to make in the end

DowntonCrabby · 07/03/2022 12:43

I know you say it’s not as simple as “just leave him” but why would you stay with such an immature Mummy’s boy whom has so little respect for his wife and her feelings? You deserve better Flowers

Shesmyperson · 07/03/2022 12:43

I mean this kindly. But what do yiu want from the thread.

We can say anything negative about your husband, despite his behaviour hurting you, even thay itself brraks your 'rules' as its critical of him.

We can't suggest that this relationship isn't going to work, because that would be suggesting ending it. Despite the fact that he is quite happy with you pulling away and doing the same.

You can't force him to pick you. And he is unlikey to move.

You are very unhappy and I would suggest looking at why you are so defensive of him when he doesn't, appear, to treat you very well.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/03/2022 12:45

Was it like this before the wedding?

So his Dad is at his parents, and your DH is at his parents with his Mom. Can you try and Foster a relationship with her? Suggest you do something together in your day off or go to a show etc together on an evening?

I def wouldn't be rushing into the baby making.
And whilst you won't have anyone suggest he's less than perfect and instead insist you should totally stay in your marriage forever, what do you think people really think of a grown man who constantly neglects his new wife to hang out with his Mom?

Loopytiles · 07/03/2022 12:45

Don’t have DC with him with this being the situation!

peachy3 · 07/03/2022 12:47

Are you in a position to move house? Would this be something he would disagree to?

Loopytiles · 07/03/2022 12:47

Why on earth did you agree to live next door to your in laws!

‘ it’s a pattern in his family to sort of leave the wives at home while you visit everyone…’ Wives and DC? In effect wives doing the parenting while the husbands ‘visit’ others?

WetLookKnitwear · 07/03/2022 12:50

Use the time to go out and do a hobby that you look forward to more than seeing his parents. If you are angry and moping when he comes back that isn’t going to entice him in. If you start to genuinely not care, that might help.

This is a bit of a crap situation and it’s hard to answer your question without saying something critical of your husband, because half of his marriage is up to him.

moose62 · 07/03/2022 12:51

As you don't like them, really annoy them by going with him every time he goes round. Join him in whatever he is doing, make it about you, keep up the chatter, annoy them all. Perhaps they will stop asking him...if he says 'I'm going next door' just says, 'lovely, so am I'.

Satansballsacks · 07/03/2022 12:51

OP, how did you end up living next door to your husband's family?

Arabellla · 07/03/2022 12:52

Time to move away.

Sounds like you've already agreed to a room mate relationship as she spends more time time at his parents.

Stop giving him babies and make your own life.