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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Thinks I’m Not as FUN as His Parents

232 replies

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 07/03/2022 11:14

Off the bat, I’m just going to say; I’m not going to indulge any responses that insult my husband or tell me to divorce him. That being said…

We’ve been married at little over a year. Maybe it’s me- it probably is, but it seems there is a lot of overlap with us enjoying eachother as a couple and his family. They live next door. We have fought 3 days in a row now about visiting because they always know when he’s off and call and text and find a reason to get him over (chore, errand, random gift). I always initially get upset because they do this without a care that we might want to time together, arguing him into going over there for ‘just a minute’, try to keep him longer (and he wants to stay), and often exclude me.. however, the fight devolves into (probably) the truer reason this bothers me so much; I want to be seen as his wife, by his side, before family. Not simply the babymaking machine he landed that stays at home. I say this because it’s a pattern in his family to sort of leave the wives at home while you visit everyone… I suppose because they’re just in-laws. Besides that, I want to feel like my husband wants time with me. Often, our plans are canceled, ‘forgotten’, or were ‘never made’ once they call. Often, if we’re in the yard just spending time together, if he’s not already over there talking them, he’s looking hopefully in their direction.

I told him I just can’t keep trying to win him. I told him I don’t care anymore. Go over, stay for hours, leave me out of it. I have bent over backwards and tore myself apart trying to be fun, sweet, sexy, exciting… and I still am not enough to keep his attention. It pains me so much.. and I do care. A lot. I can’t keep fighting this fight with his real desires, and I’m hoping my change will maybe make him miss me or realize he took all I did for granted. Maybe he’ll stop constantly hoping for their call and wanting to visit, maybe he’ll want me…

However, I’m experiencing a bit of self doubt. I might be executing this wrong. He seems to just be accepting I am pulling away and pulling away also. I’m so tired of this. What does one really do in this situation? What would you do to get the marriage revolving back around you guys and on track? I told him that he’s free to do whatever he wants with them and not to involve me, and that time will tell me all I need to know about this. If he’s over everyday.. if he asks me to come.. if he even initiates time together anymore. I don’t think he understood that I meant it though. I’m sorry I’m ranting, I’m just so crushed that I finally gave up on this after working on it for a year. I really don’t want to end up like his parents (glorified roommates, dad always at his parents, mom always at home upset she’s excluded again… no dates ever). Can you give me your advice?

OP posts:
Piggy42 · 07/03/2022 13:16

Could you move further away?

Shesmyperson · 07/03/2022 13:17

@MrsMissusAnonAnonymous didn't realise it was you.

On your last thread you talked about you were young and still learning.

What you need to learn is that if you change nothing, nothing changes. You know what life has in store for you staying with him. You know this is your life.

So unless you actually act and leave him. Your life will be one series of miserable days. That's the choice you are actively making.

This isn't you not having choices or you being a helpless bystander. You are making choices that make you unhappy.

Why would you keep doing that?

Summerfun54321 · 07/03/2022 13:18

Shouldn’t this have all been discussed when you decided to live next door to them? Not many people live next door to their parents or in-laws for exactly this reason.

TillyTopper · 07/03/2022 13:22

Really the issue is with your husband and how he sees you and how he puts his family first and before you. Ideally you would move away. But as you say no suggestions that change his behaviour then those two are out.

The only thing I can suggest is working outside the home. You will still have to get used to PILs next door unless you want him to change, but if you become more of a person in your own right and operating in your own sphere outside the home then you may feel better about it. Personally his behaviour and closeness proximity of his family would be a deal breaker for me as you clearly are not happy with that level of contact/interaction.

Fernie6491 · 07/03/2022 13:22

@murasaki

Are you the poster who has a caravan on land by the parents? It seemed to ring a bell.
Yes, same poster - I think they live in a caravan/trailer on the parents' land.
Branleuse · 07/03/2022 13:24

I think if youve already told him exactly how you feel about it, then he obviously just wants it this way. You can only control how you respond to it.

Weirdlynormal · 07/03/2022 13:25

Are you saying that his parents do the same thing? His mum is home alone too?... well would be except your DH is there?

AgathaX · 07/03/2022 13:26

Well, no-one can comment on your husband, or suggest that you leave. You've not come back to join any kind of discussion with people.
I'm not sure what you really expect from this thread.
You either accept the situation as it is or you don't. If you don't then it's up to you to do something about it because your husband is not going to. So, what do you want to do?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/03/2022 13:26

Personally I think the only way you can gain more of his attention is to move away from his parents.

It doesn't even have to be that far - but I find at least 15 minutes away by car to be good - close enough to be useful but far enough that they're not forever popping in (or him popping in to theirs).

However, in your DH's case, that might not be far enough; and all that would happen is that he would spend more time away from you.

I get that you don't want to be told to LTB, but what are you staying for? He prefers his folks to you - do you want to play second fiddle to them for the rest of their lives? He's not going to change unless you leave, and possibly not even then. In which case, you'd be well rid of him and could free yourself up to find a man who actually WANTS to spend his life with you, rather than having you as an optional add-on while he basically spends all his free time with his parents.

longcoffeebreak · 07/03/2022 13:27

Sounds hurtful. Has he said why he wants to go there so much?
Did you spend time with him having fun before you married or has this scenario always been the norm?

FinnulaFloss · 07/03/2022 13:27

Move.

BigupPemberleyMassive · 07/03/2022 13:27

Of course the dynamic of being pampered by mummy and daddy is not as fun as being an adult who has to deal with the daily grind.

He needs to grow up.

gingerhills · 07/03/2022 13:27

I'd move to make some space between us and them. Or book some events each week that get you out of the house.

I'd also turn up, looking bright, beautiful and breezy and hang out with them, to send a message that this isn't a marriage where wifey fades into the background.

Alternatively, you could try getting a really vibrant life of your own - dance classes or rowing - something that gets you out of the house and keeping fit several times a week. If he starts to get jealous, encourage him to plan more together time with you.

One thing I would do it, every time he just goes over there, down tools and do something for yourself - a craft or course of study or fitness regime, so you associate him being off at his parents with precious down time for you. If/when you have babies, just hand them to him as he goes next door and say they want to see granny.

Booklover3 · 07/03/2022 13:28

It’s family enmeshment. Very unhealthy.

Eddielizzard · 07/03/2022 13:28

If you are mobile home on crazy parent's land, you have a plan to exit, KOKO

If not, how did you get to this point, living next to his inlaws and not see this behaviour before? Or did you see it and think 'it'll be different after we're married'. You're not alone in that thinking, but it is usually wrong. DP's don't usually morph into brilliant DH/Ws. I don't think you can change him in all truth.

TakeMe2Insanity · 07/03/2022 13:29

Really what you want to do is change their family culture and the only way to do that is to arrange things with everyone. Does your DH have siblings are their spouses fed up, then you need to join forces and fight fire with fire. Alternatively you need to walk away because it’s not wrong to feel the way you do. I doubt you want to carry on the cycle so you need to put up good fight or concede defeat and move on with your life (the status quo or walk away).

nitsandwormsdodger · 07/03/2022 13:30

I if you have had a serious sit down chat and told him how unhappy you are and what you want
If he doesn’t change you have your answer suck it up for rest of your life or leave
Him not wanting to change is a clear message how he prioritises your happiness
Don’t have kids until the marriage has been good for two years

Jaxhog · 07/03/2022 13:31

Well, it doesn't sound like he's much fun for you! I'd tell him to stay there and not come home. You'll find someone who makes life fun for YOU.

Mirw · 07/03/2022 13:33

Why posymt on here if you don't want advice? If there is to be no criticism of your husband...

TravellingFrom · 07/03/2022 13:37

I found yur post quite sad.
You c;early want to spend time with your dh. he is very family orientated, HIS family though. I can understand that.

What I don't underatd is the cancelling any plan he has with you in favour of his family. The fact all the other SIL seem to ahve accepoted it doesn't mean it's OK, nor does it mean THEY have accepted it. They might well be as hurt and as you are. And getting resentful.

The thing is, nothing is going to change unless he wants to change.
I am wondering what will happen when/if ypu have children together too. Him going away and spending time with mum and dad leaing you with the bulk of the work childcare wise? I suspect so.

I know you don't want to hear LTB or that he is a twat. But apart from acceptingsomething that you think is hurtful and unacceptable, I am not sure what else you can do.
I suspect you just turning up with him ins't going to cut it, is it?

steff13 · 07/03/2022 13:39

Is this new behavior? Because based on this:

I say this because it’s a pattern in his family to sort of leave the wives at home while you visit everyone

And the fact that you knew him prior to marrying him, it seems like you could have anticipated this.

If you don't want to leave him, I think you should just live your life. Go out with friends, develop hobbies, do things that make you happy.

TidyDancer · 07/03/2022 13:40

I'm not really sure what you want to hear OP. You don't want any criticism of your DH or your marriage so what is it that you're looking for here? It's fine if you just want a moan but given your self imposed parameters, I don't think there's a huge amount of advice people can give you that you'd be willing to implement.

Fundamentally, you two just don't sound very compatible.

Noname1999 · 07/03/2022 13:40

You can't change him, you can only change your reaction to it. Since you don't want to leave you need to learn to accept it. Create a life of your own and get out more. Also, go over with him. Get involved.

zeldaonadreamcloud · 07/03/2022 13:41

@KleineDracheKokosnuss

He won’t change and you can’t make him. But you’re not ready to hear that. So you are going to need to continue playing a ‘pick me’ dance (family version) until you either give up and accept a miserable future, or become ready to hear that there are men out there who won’t treat you like this.
Sorry OP I agree with this.

Different marriage situation, but I have been where you are OP. Thinking if I can just find the right words, the right way to get through to him, then he'll understand and it will all be ok.

But that doesn't happen. You can't make people change. You'll waste years of your life and get more and more miserable if you try.

There was another thread on red lines in a relationship and mine is, 'if you can't sort things out by discussing them reasonably, then its time to leave.' Because that really is the hallmark of a relationship where you are both treated as equals of equal worth and that you are with a reasonable man who is interested in you as a person.

And if you are not pregnant, do not have a baby with this man. It' ll make life harder whichever path you take.

RealBecca · 07/03/2022 13:42

I dont think your husband should be behaving like this just also you come across quite needy by saying you've tried to be everything for him, sweet, sexy Confused to win. And from your one post I think if I was your husband I would know I could pretty much do whatever and you'll stick around. So the point is respect and self worth. Why would he change when there is no consequence other than a row?

If you want to game play you can proactively make plans and enmesh yourself further into the mess. But seriously, life is too short. Put up or leave are the only 2 choices in your control.

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