Husband Thinks I’m Not as FUN as His Parents

[MrsMissusAnonAnonymous]

Off the bat, I’m just going to say; I’m not going to indulge any responses that insult my husband or tell me to divorce him. That being said…

We’ve been married at little over a year. Maybe it’s me- it probably is, but it seems there is a lot of overlap with us enjoying eachother as a couple and his family. They live next door. We have fought 3 days in a row now about visiting because they always know when he’s off and call and text and find a reason to get him over (chore, errand, random gift). I always initially get upset because they do this without a care that we might want to time together, arguing him into going over there for ‘just a minute’, try to keep him longer (and he wants to stay), and often exclude me.. however, the fight devolves into (probably) the truer reason this bothers me so much; I want to be seen as his wife, by his side, before family. Not simply the babymaking machine he landed that stays at home. I say this because it’s a pattern in his family to sort of leave the wives at home while you visit everyone… I suppose because they’re just in-laws. Besides that, I want to feel like my husband wants time with me. Often, our plans are canceled, ‘forgotten’, or were ‘never made’ once they call. Often, if we’re in the yard just spending time together, if he’s not already over there talking them, he’s looking hopefully in their direction.

I told him I just can’t keep trying to win him. I told him I don’t care anymore. Go over, stay for hours, leave me out of it. I have bent over backwards and tore myself apart trying to be fun, sweet, sexy, exciting… and I still am not enough to keep his attention. It pains me so much.. and I do care. A lot. I can’t keep fighting this fight with his real desires, and I’m hoping my change will maybe make him miss me or realize he took all I did for granted. Maybe he’ll stop constantly hoping for their call and wanting to visit, maybe he’ll want me…

However, I’m experiencing a bit of self doubt. I might be executing this wrong. He seems to just be accepting I am pulling away and pulling away also. I’m so tired of this. What does one really do in this situation? What would you do to get the marriage revolving back around you guys and on track? I told him that he’s free to do whatever he wants with them and not to involve me, and that time will tell me all I need to know about this. If he’s over everyday.. if he asks me to come.. if he even initiates time together anymore. I don’t think he understood that I meant it though. I’m sorry I’m ranting, I’m just so crushed that I finally gave up on this after working on it for a year. I really don’t want to end up like his parents (glorified roommates, dad always at his parents, mom always at home upset she’s excluded again… no dates ever). Can you give me your advice?

You're 19? You've not lived, my darling. Please don't get pregnant. Please stand up for yourself and look after yourself cos nobody else will. Especially not your mummy's boy 'husband'. I hope you have options. It's so fucking hard when you don't.

Oh OP, I remember trying so hard on previous threads to help you see how utterly toxic this situation is and how important it is to leave and not look back. This will never change.

His relationship with his family (which was clearer on the other thread) is akin to a cult. He needs deprogramming but he won't do it. Because he is too brainwashed and thinks that their behaviour is acceptable.

You're 19, you're sensible in other areas of your life, you're a nice person. Stop throwing your life away and wasting years on someone you can never have a healthy, happy relationship with.

And for goodness' sake do it before you get pregnant.

Are you the woman who lives in a home on the PIL’s land and they’re constantly invading your space, etc?
You need to leave. ASAP.

Oooooh, you're "caravan girl". I remember you very well. I also remember lots of people trying very very hard to help you, but you're just not ready to hear what they're saying.

I really feel sorry for you, it's a complete mess. But until you're ready to actually make some changes then things will just continue as is. And for all your words warning him that you're not happy, he knows that you won't actually do anything about it.

You're so young, I know it seems like an impossible situation but you aren't happy, and haven't been for a while. Life doesn't have to feel like this.

OP is he 19 like you?
Real talk: he was too young to get married and whether it was for religious or cultural reasons doesn't matter.
He misses his family and still wants to be part of their everyday lives.
If you're determined to stay married you have to go with him every time he goes over and become part of that dynamic.
Stay in college and complete your studies. Get a job too. Be independent. Do not, whatever you do, get pregnant until you've established if you can be married to his family as well as him.

You are going to get a lot of people telling you that you are too young to know your mind, etc… I happen to think you are showing a level of maturity beyond your years and experience. You have clearly explained (not that it’s anyone’s business) that you’re not planning on getting pregnant just because you’re married - despite pressure from PILS. You are studying and take your future seriously. I am returning to this thread because my previous post was blunt without explanation. Women are much more emotionally mature than men at your age. This is a well-documented fact. I don’t know if you know the saying “To want to eat the cake and keep it too…”? I suspect this is where your DH is right now. He wants to be a big boy with a wife, and sex, etc, but he wants his mummy to tell him that he’s a good boy and she will sort his life out for him so he doesn’t have to do the hard things. I am getting the impression that your PILS are banking on this… They are manipulating him to estrange you, and honestly? It’s never going to work.

You say you want to repair not run, but 'repair' isn't in your control. You've done everything you can and yet your DH prefers being with his parents, and doesn't care that he's upsetting you. After just a year of marriage!!!

So repair isn't an option available to you. Not unless your husband does an about turn, realises what he's doing wrong and puts it right, for good. Is that likely to happen?

The other option is to learn to live with it, accept you won't ever be his priority and make another life for yourself, with friends, hobbies etc. But that isn't repairing your marriage. It's learning to live in a bad one.