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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Thinks I’m Not as FUN as His Parents

232 replies

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 07/03/2022 11:14

Off the bat, I’m just going to say; I’m not going to indulge any responses that insult my husband or tell me to divorce him. That being said…

We’ve been married at little over a year. Maybe it’s me- it probably is, but it seems there is a lot of overlap with us enjoying eachother as a couple and his family. They live next door. We have fought 3 days in a row now about visiting because they always know when he’s off and call and text and find a reason to get him over (chore, errand, random gift). I always initially get upset because they do this without a care that we might want to time together, arguing him into going over there for ‘just a minute’, try to keep him longer (and he wants to stay), and often exclude me.. however, the fight devolves into (probably) the truer reason this bothers me so much; I want to be seen as his wife, by his side, before family. Not simply the babymaking machine he landed that stays at home. I say this because it’s a pattern in his family to sort of leave the wives at home while you visit everyone… I suppose because they’re just in-laws. Besides that, I want to feel like my husband wants time with me. Often, our plans are canceled, ‘forgotten’, or were ‘never made’ once they call. Often, if we’re in the yard just spending time together, if he’s not already over there talking them, he’s looking hopefully in their direction.

I told him I just can’t keep trying to win him. I told him I don’t care anymore. Go over, stay for hours, leave me out of it. I have bent over backwards and tore myself apart trying to be fun, sweet, sexy, exciting… and I still am not enough to keep his attention. It pains me so much.. and I do care. A lot. I can’t keep fighting this fight with his real desires, and I’m hoping my change will maybe make him miss me or realize he took all I did for granted. Maybe he’ll stop constantly hoping for their call and wanting to visit, maybe he’ll want me…

However, I’m experiencing a bit of self doubt. I might be executing this wrong. He seems to just be accepting I am pulling away and pulling away also. I’m so tired of this. What does one really do in this situation? What would you do to get the marriage revolving back around you guys and on track? I told him that he’s free to do whatever he wants with them and not to involve me, and that time will tell me all I need to know about this. If he’s over everyday.. if he asks me to come.. if he even initiates time together anymore. I don’t think he understood that I meant it though. I’m sorry I’m ranting, I’m just so crushed that I finally gave up on this after working on it for a year. I really don’t want to end up like his parents (glorified roommates, dad always at his parents, mom always at home upset she’s excluded again… no dates ever). Can you give me your advice?

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 07/03/2022 12:54

As regards not ‘insulting’ your H, as posters often say, your main problem isn’t your in-laws it’s your H!

He is choosing to drop your plans, deny having had plans, not to spend time with you etc etc.

Unsure33 · 07/03/2022 12:55

look - my mum and dad were opposites ( married over 60 years ) my dad was not sociable - mum was .

she just made her own life and friends and went out a lot .

they stayed married .

you have to find a balance some how.

just go and do your own thing every time he goes out .

dont be there when he comes back

jan

ApolloandDaphne · 07/03/2022 12:55

Are you the poster who is fairly young and who lives in a house that was paid for or owned by his parents?

Do you have your own friends and hobbies? Do you work? If I were you and leaving him is not an option you want right now, I would carve out an interesting life of your own. Let him go see his parents. If he sees you leading a fun life apart from him and them he may want to become more involved with you and what you are doing.

Dillydollydingdong · 07/03/2022 12:55

Why on earth do you live next door? That's just death to any happy marriage. Yo need to live at least 20 miles away .

Herewegoagain84 · 07/03/2022 12:56

If you don’t want to hear that this isn’t going to work, then you’ll just have to suffer it - until you finally realise you want out, probably after several years of misery and a few children to drag in to your broken marriage.

Daisydoesnt · 07/03/2022 12:57

Are you the poster who has a caravan on land by the parents? It seemed to ring a bell

Yes she is. Honestly OP I really wonder why you bother, I don't think this relationship brings you any happiness. Your boyfriend's behaviour and life is so enmeshed with his parents - literally, you live on their land - that you either need to be able to come to terms with the fact that this is your life, or get the hell out of there. You won't change him!

Daisydoesnt · 07/03/2022 13:00

Are you the poster who is fairly young and who lives in a house that was paid for or owned by his parents?

I got strangely invested in that other thread - OP lives in an old mobile home that her boyfriend bought from his parents. It is parked up on the parents land.

OP I really feel for you, in all your posts/ threads your frustration is so clear. But you are not going to change him or the dynamic with his parents.

Laiste · 07/03/2022 13:01

He and they are happy with the situation as it is.

You aren't.

There isn't much room for middle ground here.

It's not an insult to anyone to say the pair of you don't sound compatible.

I think you should get out and about and enjoy yourself.
after a couple of years you'll find the strength to leave

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2022 13:01

Off the bat, I’m just going to say; I’m not going to indulge any responses that insult my husband or tell me to divorce him.

Can you give me your advice?

In that case, no.

Daisydoesnt · 07/03/2022 13:02

Apologies, DH not boyfriend (my mistake).

CoraggioCara · 07/03/2022 13:03

So the question you asked in your OP is 'what does one do in this situation?' broadly, there are 3 options:

  • Accept the situation
  • keep trying to change the dynamic (you have done for more than a year and it hasn't worked)
  • Leave (you have asked us to rule this out)

Your second question was 'what does one do to get the marriage revolving back around the couple?'. Well, people have given you lots of suggestions but realistically, without your DH wanting to get it back on track it doesn't look realistic. And it sounds like he's happy with the situation.

Either way, you have 3 options.

Pinkbonbon · 07/03/2022 13:06

Either live your own life (hobbies, friends, courses, work) and flesh out your life so that he is just a part of it. Which tbf...might still feel roommatey...but if you have your own life, you'll have a better idea of what you still need from him.
Or its a case of leaving. Because you cannot make him into something he isn't. But you can make yourself into anything you want.

Blinkingbatshit · 07/03/2022 13:07

Please don’t bring kids into this situation. I think the best advice (since you don’t want to listen to criticism of your dh or ltb) is to get out there and start making a life for yourself. Do you work? If not get a job. Get out the house and do hobbies in the evening, join some local groups. If nothing else it will give you time to build up your independence and mean that should you ever decide to move on from this situation you have some stuff that is not entwined with your dh and his family.

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 07/03/2022 13:08

@MaChienEstUnDick

This is weird AF and it's hard to answer without criticising your husband or telling you to leave because honestly I want to do both. However...

Old gimmer here and I've realised this over my long life: you can't change anyone.

If he wants to be with his parents rather than with you, you can't change that.

So you either accept it, adapt yourself (by developing a full, rich life around the sides of his behaviour), or you reject it utterly and leave the relationship.

That's your three options. Nothing else will work for more than a couple of weeks at a time.

What @MaChienEstUnDick said, basically.
BoredZelda · 07/03/2022 13:10

Well if we aren’t allowed to criticise your Husband then I suggest you just suck it up

Yep!

Is your husbands name Raymond?

😆😆

Or Kevin…?

LittleOwl153 · 07/03/2022 13:10

Advice - Don't get pregnant. Otherwise you will be the incubator and then the resultant child will be taken over there by his dad and you sat at home until its time to bread the next one.

I reality - if withdrawing (completely) doesn't make him sit up - nothing will. And you will need to leave or accept you have become a housekeeper.

thepeopleversuswork · 07/03/2022 13:10

You can't really have it both ways OP: you can't start a thread off saying you refuse to be told to leave or to accept any criticism of your husband. That kind of defeats the object of a thread.

FWIW I think living next door to the in laws is a recipe for disaster and I'm struggling to understand why you went along with that in the first place. Is there any chance of your being able to move? Has that been discussed?

I do think if he deliberately chooses to spend all his free time with the in laws and none with you its reasonable to ask why you stay. You can't force someone to want to be with you and if their time with you isn't freely given then I don't see the point of being in a marriage with them TBH.

If you won't leave or move house your choices are:

a) develop your own interests and build more of a life outside him
b) suck it up and let it corrode you with resentment
c) try to instal some boundaries about your in-laws and the amount of time he spends with them - it doesn't sound like this is going to work

If you're determined not to leave, your best option is a. Do you work and have outside interests?

BluerThanRobinsEggs · 07/03/2022 13:12

Ah so you're the 19 year old who lives in a mobile home on your in law's land for which they have a set of keys and think they still own?

You need to move.

canary1 · 07/03/2022 13:13

There’s not much to do while you are living next door to them! Why did you agree to that?? Did you not watch Everybody Loves Raymond? Poor Deborah, poor you

Really18 · 07/03/2022 13:14

Move

SameToo · 07/03/2022 13:14

What do you think your options are if you don’t want to leave?

Orchidsonthetable · 07/03/2022 13:15

@BluerThanRobinsEggs

Ah so you're the 19 year old who lives in a mobile home on your in law's land for which they have a set of keys and think they still own?

You need to move.

I don’t think she is, no.
EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 07/03/2022 13:15

As nobody is to comment on your DH or relationship then there's not much to advise upon.

I could only suggest that you take the opportunity to create a circle of friends and a good social network as you may well need it in the near future. I don't fully understand whether or not you're working because that would be very helpful as a distractor from your situation as well as for your own wellbeing in many ways.

Whatever happens, do not allow yourself to become isolated. At best, you'd end up in your MiL's position, at worst you're vulnerable to coercive control and more.

GandTfortea · 07/03/2022 13:15

How the fuck have you ended up living next door to them
Get your house up for sale and get some major distance in place

WallaceinAnderland · 07/03/2022 13:16

@IdentifyingAsAPrincess

Is your husbands name Raymond?
Lol

Well you've told him to do what he wants and told us you won't leave him so I guess he will do what he wants and you will stay with him.

Suck it up Buttercup, your choice.

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