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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Thinks I’m Not as FUN as His Parents

232 replies

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 07/03/2022 11:14

Off the bat, I’m just going to say; I’m not going to indulge any responses that insult my husband or tell me to divorce him. That being said…

We’ve been married at little over a year. Maybe it’s me- it probably is, but it seems there is a lot of overlap with us enjoying eachother as a couple and his family. They live next door. We have fought 3 days in a row now about visiting because they always know when he’s off and call and text and find a reason to get him over (chore, errand, random gift). I always initially get upset because they do this without a care that we might want to time together, arguing him into going over there for ‘just a minute’, try to keep him longer (and he wants to stay), and often exclude me.. however, the fight devolves into (probably) the truer reason this bothers me so much; I want to be seen as his wife, by his side, before family. Not simply the babymaking machine he landed that stays at home. I say this because it’s a pattern in his family to sort of leave the wives at home while you visit everyone… I suppose because they’re just in-laws. Besides that, I want to feel like my husband wants time with me. Often, our plans are canceled, ‘forgotten’, or were ‘never made’ once they call. Often, if we’re in the yard just spending time together, if he’s not already over there talking them, he’s looking hopefully in their direction.

I told him I just can’t keep trying to win him. I told him I don’t care anymore. Go over, stay for hours, leave me out of it. I have bent over backwards and tore myself apart trying to be fun, sweet, sexy, exciting… and I still am not enough to keep his attention. It pains me so much.. and I do care. A lot. I can’t keep fighting this fight with his real desires, and I’m hoping my change will maybe make him miss me or realize he took all I did for granted. Maybe he’ll stop constantly hoping for their call and wanting to visit, maybe he’ll want me…

However, I’m experiencing a bit of self doubt. I might be executing this wrong. He seems to just be accepting I am pulling away and pulling away also. I’m so tired of this. What does one really do in this situation? What would you do to get the marriage revolving back around you guys and on track? I told him that he’s free to do whatever he wants with them and not to involve me, and that time will tell me all I need to know about this. If he’s over everyday.. if he asks me to come.. if he even initiates time together anymore. I don’t think he understood that I meant it though. I’m sorry I’m ranting, I’m just so crushed that I finally gave up on this after working on it for a year. I really don’t want to end up like his parents (glorified roommates, dad always at his parents, mom always at home upset she’s excluded again… no dates ever). Can you give me your advice?

OP posts:
VodselForDinner · 07/03/2022 17:13

My advice- double-up on the contraception.

Before you know it you’ll be tied-down with children while he saunters over to his parents’ for peace and his mummy’s cooking.

TricksAnd · 07/03/2022 17:15

@Orchidsonthetable

Is there a cultural element to this op?
OP is American.
steff13 · 07/03/2022 17:22

OP is American.

Lots of people with lots of different cultures live here and continue to observe their respective cultures.

tkwal · 07/03/2022 17:25

Invite yourself over along with him. Every.Single. Time for as long as you can stand it. And don't be a shy, retiring wallflower. After all you're part of the family . Put yourself out there. Then remind him about the plans you have, they wouldn't want you to miss out on things you have booked and paid for do they ?.If you don't cut the apron strings now,you and any kids you might have will find yourself with an absentee husband/ father. There are close families and then there are CLOSE families . This one is far too CLOSE (why did you buy the house next door anyway ?)

BOOTS52 · 07/03/2022 17:25

Are you only 19? so young to be married when you should be enjoying life as your married life does not sound like any fun at all. Feels like a prison and you expect to live this live forever. Please listen to the wise women on here who have been through similar and are trying to help you. Try to get your independence through education and a good job and put money away in a secret account.

Ormally · 07/03/2022 17:27

"Stop thinking about repairing your relationship, Start thinking of repairing your life."

Leaving 'him' and the case in point to one side...

What did you want to do 2 - 5 years ago (I know you're under 20 but this still may be a good timescale).

If someone in the last term of your college course took you aside and gave you the opportunity to recommend you for an entry job in whatever you most wanted, because they were amazed at your progress and work ethic, what would it be?

Who would you dream of meeting because they have been an incredible influence on the things that really interest you?

What kind of habits or things would you look forward to stopping and not giving any further energy to, if you had enough money or resources to drop them?

Write "I'm proud that..." to start 20 lines of a page. Giving yourself no time to overthink the rest, fill in all the lines.

If your best friends were on here anonymously, and were commenting here (without guessing it was you), what do you think they would say?

Don't answer these things publicly but I recommend thinking and maybe writing them.

BorsetshireBanality · 07/03/2022 17:28

19 is a bit young to settle for being ignored by your husband (are you religious and married him so sex wasn't sinful?) and living in a trailer right next to your in-laws.

At 19 the world should be your oyster. Please don't get trapped.

Jobseeker19 · 07/03/2022 17:34

Why would being his wife mean you are before family?
Is thats whats going to happen to you when your son grows up?

tkwal · 07/03/2022 17:40

I've just read your update. You're in college ?what age are you, or your husband ? Why the crazy rush to get married before you have even started to live your life? My advice has changed. Tell him flat out you're not going to spend the rest of your life playing second fiddle and you need to make him choose. Better finding out now than when you have kids round your ankles before you get the chance to graduate

WonderfulYou · 07/03/2022 17:42

I want to be seen as his wife, by his side, before family.

YABU and this is your mistake.
Why do you think you should come before his family?

Do you have kids?
If so how would you feel if one of them put a partner before you?

By becoming his wife you have become a family. That doesn’t mean you trump the family already there.

I think instead of it being your vs them you need to try and become more part of his family so he’s not choosing between you both.

What’s the reason you live so close?
This is the major issue as you can’t get away from them.

WonderfulYou · 07/03/2022 17:43

You’re 19??

So do you live with your parents or DH?

NowEvenBetter · 07/03/2022 17:46

Oh god, you again? Did any of your other threads help, at all?

coodawoodashooda · 07/03/2022 17:48

@KleineDracheKokosnuss

He won’t change and you can’t make him. But you’re not ready to hear that. So you are going to need to continue playing a ‘pick me’ dance (family version) until you either give up and accept a miserable future, or become ready to hear that there are men out there who won’t treat you like this.
I agree.
BOOTS52 · 07/03/2022 17:49

Well done you are in college so that is good so please keep this going and try to further your education and get a good job/career and don't have children yet. If you do not want to leave him then try to mix with his family more and try not to criticize them as that will make him go to them more. Do you see your own family at all and have friends. Take up some hobby that you really enjoy and be independent and see how things are in a few months. Wishing you the best but at 19 very young to know how to handle all of this pressure from his family and you cannot force someone to spend time with you as that will make him run in the opposite direction. Know your self worth and put yourself first now. Take care xx

Riverlee · 07/03/2022 17:51

You’ve basically got three choices.

  1. Accept the status quo. Learn to live with the current situation.
  2. Make changes. Somehow get him to stay home more, or go to in-laws with him. Break the pattern off being the little wife left at home.
  3. leave
Jonny1265 · 07/03/2022 18:28

Move

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/03/2022 18:30

Yep, you've got some choices to make.

I actually think there are four.

  1. Leave
  2. Stay, do as you're expected at home leaving him to do as he pleases.
  3. Stay but please yourself, fill your life with tons of fun stuff you enjoy, college, work, hobbies. Have a fine old time. He can do as he pleases.
  4. Stay.. but JOIN IN.. so go around to theirs EVERY time he does. Everything they do, you do, cooking, chatting, tv shows, throw yourself into all of it in the hopes that either you enjoy it in the end or... HE gets fed up of it and behaves in a more reasonable fashion.

Personally in your shoes if 1 is off the table, 2 looks miserable as fuck, I'd go with 3 or 4.

CaptSkippy · 07/03/2022 18:56

@Hoppinggreen

Well if we aren’t allowed to criticise your Husband then I suggest you just suck it up
This, with bells on.

Sorry OP, but this is your life now. I suggest you learn to put up with it. I think it will be easiest if you just consider him a roomate rather than a partner.

BulletTrain · 07/03/2022 19:13

This is the man you married.

I had a friend who got married at 19 and they lived in her parents' annexe. I'll let you guess how long that one lasted. Clue - not years.

supercali77 · 07/03/2022 19:29

Having searched your previous threads I think you have a weird personal issue with your husbands side of the family, for incredibly petty reasons in some cases.

Jux · 07/03/2022 19:43

Do WiddlinDiddlin's 3 or 4 as she says. If you can't bear 4 def do 3. You'll get so fed up with him in the end whatever you do, especially if it's 2.

A580Hojas · 07/03/2022 19:44

I wonder how many threads you are going to make about this situation op? This is at least the third that I know of.

MunchyMonsters · 07/03/2022 20:04

You never seem to like the advice given on your threads.

Not only are somethings unfixable but some things shouldn't be fixed.

Jux · 07/03/2022 22:30

A580 are you implying something akin to op being a bridgedweller? I assume you know that if you suspect that then MNHQ want you to report to them rather than anything else. I am also assuming do you mean something like that else why would you he so unkind and disrespectful to an op posting for support and advice?

A580Hojas · 07/03/2022 22:56

@Jux

A580 are you implying something akin to op being a bridgedweller? I assume you know that if you suspect that then MNHQ want you to report to them rather than anything else. I am also assuming do you mean something like that else why would you he so unkind and disrespectful to an op posting for support and advice?
No. Just how many times is it worthwhile to ask for advice on a repeat question?