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Original poster

Husband Thinks I’m Not as FUN as His Parents

232 replies

MrsMissusAnonAnonymous · 07/03/2022 11:14

Off the bat, I’m just going to say; I’m not going to indulge any responses that insult my husband or tell me to divorce him. That being said…

We’ve been married at little over a year. Maybe it’s me- it probably is, but it seems there is a lot of overlap with us enjoying eachother as a couple and his family. They live next door. We have fought 3 days in a row now about visiting because they always know when he’s off and call and text and find a reason to get him over (chore, errand, random gift). I always initially get upset because they do this without a care that we might want to time together, arguing him into going over there for ‘just a minute’, try to keep him longer (and he wants to stay), and often exclude me.. however, the fight devolves into (probably) the truer reason this bothers me so much; I want to be seen as his wife, by his side, before family. Not simply the babymaking machine he landed that stays at home. I say this because it’s a pattern in his family to sort of leave the wives at home while you visit everyone… I suppose because they’re just in-laws. Besides that, I want to feel like my husband wants time with me. Often, our plans are canceled, ‘forgotten’, or were ‘never made’ once they call. Often, if we’re in the yard just spending time together, if he’s not already over there talking them, he’s looking hopefully in their direction.

I told him I just can’t keep trying to win him. I told him I don’t care anymore. Go over, stay for hours, leave me out of it. I have bent over backwards and tore myself apart trying to be fun, sweet, sexy, exciting… and I still am not enough to keep his attention. It pains me so much.. and I do care. A lot. I can’t keep fighting this fight with his real desires, and I’m hoping my change will maybe make him miss me or realize he took all I did for granted. Maybe he’ll stop constantly hoping for their call and wanting to visit, maybe he’ll want me…

However, I’m experiencing a bit of self doubt. I might be executing this wrong. He seems to just be accepting I am pulling away and pulling away also. I’m so tired of this. What does one really do in this situation? What would you do to get the marriage revolving back around you guys and on track? I told him that he’s free to do whatever he wants with them and not to involve me, and that time will tell me all I need to know about this. If he’s over everyday.. if he asks me to come.. if he even initiates time together anymore. I don’t think he understood that I meant it though. I’m sorry I’m ranting, I’m just so crushed that I finally gave up on this after working on it for a year. I really don’t want to end up like his parents (glorified roommates, dad always at his parents, mom always at home upset she’s excluded again… no dates ever). Can you give me your advice?

OP posts:
CushionSpiral · 07/03/2022 13:43

If you won’t respond to anything negative, not much to say.
In the meantime, make sure you’re using as many forms of birth control as you can. Sounds like a set up from the 50’s.

Only solution. Move!

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 07/03/2022 13:44

Not sure what you want people to say.

You went into this with your eyes wide open.

You moved in next door to them.

🤷🏻‍♀️

For God’s sake, do not have a child with this man. I realise it’s inevitably way too late for that advice.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 07/03/2022 13:45

He knows what you want from him. You’ve told him many times over the year. He doesn’t want to spend lots of his time with you. He married you to be a wife/chief/mother/cleaner or whatever you do for him. He doesn’t want an equal partner or a friend.
I agree with others your options are - fight him on it (you’ve tried that) or give up and suck it up. He won’t change.

Lambkin689 · 07/03/2022 13:47

Move away from the in-laws?

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 07/03/2022 13:48

You backing off and letting him spend all his time around there isn’t going to draw him to you.

Quite the opposite. It’s just giving him exactly what he wants.

Win-win for him.

AKASammyScrounge · 07/03/2022 13:48

Move house, as far away as you can get.

TatianaBis · 07/03/2022 13:49

Moving won't solve anything as the dynamic will continue. As you won't consider divorce the only thing is to accept that this is your life for good.

Ionlydomassiveones · 07/03/2022 13:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 07/03/2022 13:55

This is going to be one of those tedious threads where the OP comes on to complain about her deeply unreasonable partner …. everyone piles on to strongly agree that she does indeed have a shit one on her hands … so the OP, not liking what she’s reading, disappears into the ether ….

zeldaonadreamcloud · 07/03/2022 13:58

Off the bat, I’m just going to say; I’m not going to indulge any responses that insult my husband or tell me to divorce him

I guess this indicates that you feel a lot of loyalty towards your husband.
And that you are very invested in thinking he is a good husband, and good man. And, from your perspective, that means the problem is all with his family and not at all with him.

Unfortunately this is not true. He is doing what he wants to do. His family can't make him do anything. He's quite clear that they are the priority over you. You have only been married a year. This problem is going to get much worse, not better.

You have a husband problem, not a 'his family' problem.

You could try to build up your own life outside of him, but why would you do that? That is advice for older women with kids who feel financially trapped in a marriage. Not a young woman like you. You have a whole life ahead of you. Why would you miserably compromise it like that? Having to find ways to compensate for a miserable home life by not being home?

godmum56 · 07/03/2022 14:01

@MaChienEstUnDick

This is weird AF and it's hard to answer without criticising your husband or telling you to leave because honestly I want to do both. However...

Old gimmer here and I've realised this over my long life: you can't change anyone.

If he wants to be with his parents rather than with you, you can't change that.

So you either accept it, adapt yourself (by developing a full, rich life around the sides of his behaviour), or you reject it utterly and leave the relationship.

That's your three options. Nothing else will work for more than a couple of weeks at a time.

This. people are who they are and can only give you what they have got. If that's not what you want or need then its NEVER going to work.
zeldaonadreamcloud · 07/03/2022 14:02

I really don’t want to end up like his parents (glorified roommates, dad always at his parents, mom always at home upset she’s excluded again… no dates ever)

You've already ended up like that OP. This already is you.

The only way to change this is to leave and find a relationship with a man who truly is your friend and partner and support through life.

Momijin · 07/03/2022 14:02

The problem that I would have, is that i wouldn't want to force my husband to spend time with me. I would want him to spend time with me.

And if he didn't enjoy spending time with me then I would leave and find someone who would enjoy it.

3luckystars · 07/03/2022 14:04

I think moving in beside them was a huge mistake. Alarm bells should have gone off at that. Good luck fixing it.

KRoo22 · 07/03/2022 14:05

Follow him next door every time! Get involved in whatever conversation he is having/ task he is being asked to do. This will either change behaviour/force acceptance/one of you will leave.

SarahBellam · 07/03/2022 14:05

Well, you don’t want us to insult him, and you don’t want us to tell you to leave him, and you haven’t been able to change him, so the only option you have left is to suck it up, buttercup. There’s really nothing else you can do given your parameters.

Dentistlakes · 07/03/2022 14:12

I think the situation is unlikely to change unless you move. We nearly bought a house very close to my IL’s. Whilst I’m sure it would have had its advantages, I’m very glad we decided against it and I’m sure they probably are too. It’s extremely hard to be so close and not have very intertwined lives. Of course it will be less annoying for your husband since they are his own parents.

You need to have an honest discussion and make it clear your marriage is likely to suffer if you remain in such close proximity. If your husband refuses to move then I would consider that game over (sorry op).

arethereanyleftatall · 07/03/2022 14:15

As you have expressed a desire to continue to wallow in your misery, my only advice would be to not get pregnant.

Gonnagetgoing · 07/03/2022 14:18

You got married at 19 to a DH with interfering parents. Why on earth did you do that?!

I bet you'll stay with him though, get pregnant in time and continue to whine on here about how awful IL's are and how awful your life is.

PeacefulPrune · 07/03/2022 14:18

Enjoy the extra time you have for yourself. I don't know if you have kids?

See your friends more. Reconnect with old friends. Start a new hobby or class. Go to the gym? Think of all the possibilities.

Do you work? Are you satisfied and fulfilled in it? Do you want to progress within it?

Then if you want to do something specifically with your husband plan it and get it booked into his diary and tell him directly that it can't be rearranged.

LaurenKelsey · 07/03/2022 14:21

@Hoppinggreen

Well if we aren’t allowed to criticise your Husband then I suggest you just suck it up
Exactly.
Gonnagetgoing · 07/03/2022 14:22

It sounds like from your OP that you're not the sweet, obliging DW that your DH really could do with.

He wants a yes woman, someone who'll do what he says and go to his DP's whenever etc. He seems perfectly happy with the status quo. You on the other hand don't seem happy.

Years ago I met my then fiance (Canadian) yet I was English. All set to get married to him at 20/21, ring bought, wedding booked etc.

His DM was very controlling, he was an only child, and they lived 2 ferry rides away from the nearest big city. I'd have been stuck there on that island, though he did move to the mainland eventually.

Luckily I had a close friend who persuaded me not to marry him.

Sounds like you either knew what you were signing up for or didn't.

Gonnagetgoing · 07/03/2022 14:23

My DM was also in this situation with her DH (my DF) - he wanted her to visit them on a regular basis but she fell out with them and then didn't go. For other reasons they divorced. Luckily they didn't live near.

Tuiwow · 07/03/2022 14:23

Why don’t you have an affair? Will take your mind off things

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 07/03/2022 14:24

I remember you from your other threads.

Start thinking long term about empowering yourself so that you have better choices. Are you working? Have you opportunities for promotion/career development? Do you have any options to study? Can you save money quietly? Are you building social relationships outside of the family?

Even if ultimately your decision is to keep working at your marriage, doing some of these things will help that too.