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Original poster

Ex getting married, just caused a row with DH

252 replies

Exgetshitched · 05/03/2022 23:24

Name changed here as outing if you know me and the situation.

Was in a long term relationship, foolishly cheated on partner so ended the relationship. A year later I got into a relationship with the man I had the affair with. Years later, we’re married and have two children.

I haven’t seen my ex in years, but one of my friends boyfriends still see him regularly. Meaning my friend does as well.

My ex is getting married this year, which I have absolutely no issues with. My friend and her boyfriend are going, again no issues with this. Tonight another friends husband told me he had an evening invite to the wedding, I was a bit surprised as whilst they saw each other loads as a group when we were together they’ve seen each other twice in the last 8 years. After the initial surprise, I really am fine with it.

What did bother me though was his wife, my best friend, thinking about going. She started off saying, she didn’t like weddings and probably wasn’t going to go, to realising our other friend was going to be there and then basically making plans to go.

I still see my best friend frequently but she will not go on nights out anymore as she doesn’t like drinking. So it bothered me a bit that she’s suddenly up for this wedding, which will involve heavy drinking.

I just tried to speak to my DH about how that made me feel and he just lost it at me.

Apparently, it shouldn’t bother me at all that my friend was going along to a wedding with her husband. Apparently I shouldn’t have spoken to him about my feelings and if anything I should be trying to reassure him.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see it from the angle that she’s going to support her husband. I’m not convinced that is why she’s going. I also am genuinely not bothered this he is getting married, otherwise I wouldn’t have been mentioning anything would I?

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 05/03/2022 23:28

But you cheated with him? Why is the cheating an issue when you ended up with him anyway?

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 05/03/2022 23:29

To be honest I’m not entirely sure why your upset your friend is going. It sounds like you’re jealous so if that’s the way it’s coming across to your partner I kind of get his reaction.

Redshoeblueshoe · 05/03/2022 23:30

Why would you care if your friend is going ?

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 05/03/2022 23:31

You are entirely in the wrong.

There's no reason your friend shouldn't go, and discussing it with your dh was never going to go well. You sound jealous, which is weird since you were the one who cheated.

Bunty55 · 05/03/2022 23:31

You need to leave this alone. It will not end well

bonfireheart · 05/03/2022 23:31

YABU about your friend going to the wedding.

DixonD · 05/03/2022 23:31

@Idontgiveagriffindamn

To be honest I’m not entirely sure why your upset your friend is going. It sounds like you’re jealous so if that’s the way it’s coming across to your partner I kind of get his reaction.

I was about to say the same. If you’re not bothered he’s getting married, who cares if your friend does or not? Bringing up the drinking comparison doesn’t work as weddings aren’t just about drinking are they? I’ve never got drunk at a wedding, or even really had a drink.

I think it’s odd that you are bothered about your friend going, but not bothered about the ex getting married. I don’t understand.

FlowerArranger · 05/03/2022 23:32

Knickers
Twist...

DixonD · 05/03/2022 23:32

*goes

TracyMosby · 05/03/2022 23:33

I don’t know how to handle this with my dh now, especially as he announced he has never gotten over the fact I cheated. Surely, I don’t still deserve to be punished for that all these years later?!
Isnt your dh the person you cheated with? If ive not read that wrong, how dare he take that view!

Ohyesiam · 05/03/2022 23:34

I’m confused. If you’re now together with the person you had the affair with, and he gets upset that you cheated, doesn’t that mean he’s upset you’re in a relationship with him?

Nightlystroll · 05/03/2022 23:34

Say what now? You cheated on him so your friend shouldn't go to the wedding? I think you're losing the plot a bit. It's none of your business. Who cares what you are or are not fine with?

Confusedteacher · 05/03/2022 23:34

I also don’t see why you’re bothered that your friend is going. My exH still sees some of our joint friends, as do I. I invited some of them to my wedding. If he ever got remarried I’d expect him to do the same. I just don’t understand why you think your friend shouldn’t go.

Bellyups · 05/03/2022 23:35

I really don’t see why you care of your best friend is going or not.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/03/2022 23:37

The fact that you are upset that your friend is going to this wedding is just weird and ridiculous. Why do you care?

It won't involve heavy drinking for her if she doesn't drink, will it?

Stop policing your friends decisions.

Honeyroar · 05/03/2022 23:41

YANU. Why would you care if you’re happily married after all this time? Would you expect her to leave her husband to go on his own?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/03/2022 23:41

But it was him you cheated with?!

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/03/2022 23:42

My best friend is married to exH's best friend. So I can say with some certainty she would attend his wedding. She has certainly seen his new partner and their baby loads.

And I can say honestly that I couldn't give the tiniest poop. I wish them all, all the best.

Which begs the question, why do you care?

Kinko · 05/03/2022 23:43

Just try to recognise that you can't control this situation.

Apologise to your DH. Just say you're sorry and maybe feeling insecure about losing the friendship with her, if she becomes good friends with your ex?

Some things just end up being off topic with a partner, sounds like your ex is a thorn for him.

We all have these sorts of niggles which aren't really easy to explain - I think it's just people breaking the status quo and the fear of change or something. I wouldn't like it if one of my bestfriends went to one of my ex-boyfriends weddings. I think it's a territory/loyalty thing - over our friends (not the ex) but it's our problem to deal with in our heads, not their's.

But with your DH - probably best to leave the off loading to a work colleague, or a hairdresser - someone on the outskirts of your world, someone who can relate and be outraged with you but won't be turning up at your doorstep for a dinner party - if you know what I mean?

Rosiestraws · 05/03/2022 23:44

I disagree with PP

I assume firstly that your partner is bothered by the cheating because he didn't know you were cheating with him? He assumed were single when whatever happened with him originally? Is that correct? So essentially you cheated on him too there

Having said that...I think the whole backstory is actually irrelevant to this. You could have left that out and the issue is "my best friend is considering going to my ex's wedding" and I agree that I wouldn't particularly like this either if theyre not actually friends. It's hard to explain why...just I would feel it's a bit unnecessary I guess? It would make me wonder more about the wedding/think of the ex etc if my best friend was attending. Ultimately I don't think you've really got any leg to stand on though with stopping her...

Current partner is likely to find it difficult go understand why it's an issue tho because ultimately it is a bit hard to explain...it's just one of those things that's a bit annoying but not the end of the world

cocodomingo · 05/03/2022 23:47

The wedding may as well be completely unconnected to you, your friend wanting to enjoy a night out whatever the event is actually not your concern or business..you come across as controlling...whether you are fine with any of your friends going to a social event that you would never be invited to is neither here nor there. You feel left out and possibly sad about missing a social event...so recognise your feelings and stop trying to dress them up as something else to your husband and self

Tallisimo · 05/03/2022 23:47

I don’t understand why you were so upset about your friend going to the wedding. You cheated, your relationship ended, your ex moved on. Is it really any of your business whether your friends attend the wedding?

I think you owe your OH an apology.

Bellagio40 · 05/03/2022 23:55

This makes no sense. Are you sure you are ok with your ex getting married?

Migrainesbythedozen · 05/03/2022 23:55

The only way you would be justified with feeling upset that your best friend is going, is if YOU were the one who was the wronged party, ie the ex cheated on you. But you since you were the one who did the wrong doing, you've got a brass neck as thick as a forest to even dare think you have a right to be upset. How dare you! Give your head a wobble, grow up and wake up to yourself!

Momijin · 06/03/2022 00:01

Why were you upset about your friend going? You cheated on him, right?

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